[Elmer G. White]

Exciting news! In this era or forced feminism, sanctioned sodomy and coerced colonic copulation it is heart-warming to find a group of young, comely Caucasian strictly heterosexual males who follow Jesus. During a frustrating sermon session at a nearby mall I encountered a group of adolescent men proudly flaunting their commitment to Jesus by wearing T-shirts with the beautiful statement "Power Bottoms for Jesus"! Praise God! Apparently they were going to the beach, which I find distasteful and would never ever visit nor wear a T-shirt, as God did invent suits and ties, didn't he! But I presume that the beach is a good place to cruise for new converts!



I quickly gave them a few Chick Tracts and leaflets and they happily received my good news and we laughed together (Luke 15:23)! I asked if I could join their Society but they dropped a hint that I was somehow too old or not vigorous enough to keep up with them.

Obviously, I had no idea about their doctrine - they could have been Methodists or - even worse - Catholics. So I rigorously researched this new Society and used only the most reliable sources, that is, the KJV Bible. What would it say about the "Power Bottoms for Jesus"? It confirmed by initial innovation that this is indeed something of great spiritual benefit for our own youth! We all now that "Power" appears countless times in the Good Book but what about "Bottoms"? As it turns out, only once!

Jonah 2:6
I went down to the bottoms of the mountains; the earth with her bars was about me for ever: yet hast thou brought up my life from corruption, O LORD my God.

Great stuff. What does it mean in its crystal-clear unambiguous clarity? To understand that, we must first turn to "Power"!

Ephesians 1:19
And what is the exceeding greatness of his power to us-ward who believe, according to the working of his mighty power,

Now we can easily understand the beautiful message of Power Bottoms for Jesus. By relying on the exceeding greatness of Jesus' Power we can be brought up from corruption! Having realized this, I turned to secondary sources, that is, image searches in the Interwebs. It seems that there is lots of good merchandise to order in order to become a Power Bottom! I won't ever wear a T-shirt in public or in bed (I don't go to gym and you shouldn't, either), but a bump sticker would be nice, or perhaps I'll just stick it on the cover of my trusty KJV!



There is also a sticker that reminds us of the great flood (Genesis 9:13)!



And for toddlers who can not yet wear a suit, I recommend this garment!



I am going to do more exercise, that is, stroll the malls and the rural villages, walking to gain more muscle power into my lower body half, and with powerful (pun intended!) Prayers I will also one day be fit to become a Power Bottom for Jesus! I am sure that He will assist me in this task and, if I ask kindly, He will help #metoo (I can use this modernistic small talk so well, can't I) to become one of His cherished Power Bottoms!!!! I urge you all to spread this information to your sons and make them part of His Power Bottom Posse!


Yours in Christ,

Elmer