[Rick 'Magma' Bocchino]

How you all doin'? I wanted to post here about something I did last year and plan to do this year that you can all try at your places this Halloween.

Two years ago was my first Halloween as a Saved® True Christian™. I was really excited to spread the word of Jesus to the unsaved masses so my wife Olga and I bought 200 Chick Tracts to put in the little Trick-or-treaters' bags instead of candy. We also required them to listen to a chapter from the Old Testament before we would give it to them (or let them leave our porch without one, for that matter). Apparently the trick-or-treaters didn't like getting Bible tracts instead of candy or listening to Bible stories for some reason and they started vandalizing our house. First they egged our cars, then the rocks started coming through the windows. By the time the night had concluded there was $1,100 worth of damage done to the front of my house and my cars.

A year passed and in October of 2009 another Halloween was upon us. Still angry about all the damage that had been inflicted on my property I decided not to purchase any Chick tracts this time around. I instead headed down to the drug store and picked up several hundred dollars worth of laxatives and bags of little cheap Mexican candies from the dollar store.

The night before Halloween Olga and I sat down and inserted the laxative tablets into the bags of Mexican candy and then resealed the packaging. That night we handed out laxatives to over 200 disgusting little sinner children - the same ones who had wrecked our property the year before - without any incident. I only wish I could have seen those little pinheads as they rocked in the fetal position on the floor of their bathrooms crying that night.

[Free Market Fred]

Brother Rick,

This is a great idea, and I want to let you know that my company is doing its part. Every year in mid to late October, we always have a sale on the necessary ingredients for making brownies and chocolate chip cookies.


You can even buy them with food stamps

What we've discovered though is that many people just don't want to be bothered baking. Besides, you can't be sure how many of the little brats will come to your door, so you're liable to make too few or too many cookies. Too few would be disappointing, and too many leaves you with the problem of how to get rid of them. I had that problem last year, so I donated my extras to a homeless shelter.

Anyway, this year we're introducing a new product. No need to bake - just give each kid one of these and tell them to share with their friends:


Another great product from Uranus

Don't worry about buying too many - you can return the extras to Wal-Mart for a refund. Or else save them for next year - we've added so much preservative to our food products that you could pass these chocolate bars on to your grandchildren.