The Freehold Truth and Light Baptist newspaper Featured editorials, letters to the GODLY Pastors of Landover, local news, advise columns. |
|
Didn't write the Bible, just obeys it
|
|
Posts: 6,639
Join Date: Jun 2007
|
|
2008 CAR ISSUE! Submit your praises here! -
06-06-2008, 01:43 AM
I can't believe it's this time of year again already. Yes, it's almost time for the Freehold Truth and Light's annual car issue. Submit your articles here!
I love cars.
Cars, how many ways do I love thee! Let me count the ways...One twothreefour ALLOF'EM!
Did you ever want to live in your own steel cocoon? You can! It's called a car! Just get in and drive somewhere, anywhere. Buy a car and your life looks like an MTV video, become a driver and you will look like a fashion model, you'll be staring at yourself in the rear-view mirrors while driving flat-out on a totally deserted highway your car so brilliantly clean and shiny, the road wet with rain (so sexy!), going 80mph or so around curves, doing jackrabbit starts at a light and of course there will always be a classic rock song in the background. Remember T. Rex? Golden Earring? Doesn't it make you feel young again? You'll be that young again, when you drive a car!
I love sports cars, I love how they make the old become young again. Most of all, I love the name. Sports cars. Ever wanted to be an athelete? Ever wanted to be a fit, muscular negro who gets paid millions of dollars to play games? Well, you'll be one, when you drive a sports car.
I love luxury cars, I love how all your fears and anxieties about status and class and approval from other people will vanish with one swipe of the credit card. Buy a luxury car and you will become a Very Successful Person in a business suit driving to your American Dream. You will drive past a young Greek or Italian boy, and he will say "They say this car has powers magical. They say in this car you become a new person. In this car I wish to ride." Yes, America, if you're not happy with your life, just buy a new car and become a new person.
I love trucks. Be a real man and buy a big truck. Be a real American and buy a big American truck. Buy a truck and you will become a cowboy. You will become a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat and boots and you will haul something that looks like an ocean liner behind you. You will be STRONG, you will be TOUGH, and all you need to do is turn a key and step on a pedal. You will become one of the rugged individuals who Won The West, who made this country what it is today. You can be one of them if you buy a truck.
I love cars that carry cars.
I love seeing Americans drive a car to Wal-Mart, get out of their car, and then use a smaller car to do the shopping.
I love cars that mow our lawns. Oh, I also love lawns, but that's a subject for another special issue.
I love how cars can be used for anything. Use them to walk the dog, use them to drive to the mailbox, or drive them to the beach to use as portable air conditioners.
I love drive-in everything.
I can't wait until we have cars for our dogs. Proto-dog-cars are already on the market:
(Carnes, who paid $200 for the stroller...“It was worth every penny,”...Deprado’s store sells six different models ranging in prices from the Happy Trails model at $65, to the $200 luxury Jeep model...)
I love cars that look angry. Cars that look like Hannibal-Lector style psycho killers all chained up and masked. Cars that say "I'm ready to rub a rusty cheesegrater across a newborn's face while crushing a kitten's skull with my teeth".
IN CONCLUSION:
CARS ARE GODLY!
CARS ARE SEXY!
CARS ARE SO GREAT WE CAN'T EVEN PUT IT INTO WORDS!
Disagree? By failing to register and debate me, you prove that liberals are factless frauds who only persuade through intimidation. To prove otherwise, debate me!
Got Questions? See Frequently Asked Questions, or use Forum Search, tag system, or our guides on Geography, History, Science, Comparative Religion, Civics, and Current Events.
Did I use a new word you've never heard? Definitions here. | Vote! Everything you need to vote here!
Last edited by Jeb Stuart Thurmond; 06-26-2009 at 05:57 PM.
|
|
Righteous and Patriotic Highest body count at the VFW
True Christian™
|
|
Posts: 3,319
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Wiseman Compound and Bible Complex
|
|
Re: 2008 CAR ISSUE! Submit your praises here! -
06-06-2008, 02:08 AM
Now Jeb, as you know I have a sweet spot for Dodge and Plymouth cars from the late 60s and early seventies. I was teenager coming up in the fields and could only daydream as they drove by, what it must've been like to drive one of those big block rockets.
Now that Christ has Saved™ my unworthy soul and seen fit to bless me with a modest success story, I have the means to buy these blessed machines to drive and enjoy in my spare time. From my first car which was a 1966 Plymouth Belvedere to my current daily driver a Ford F350 Quad cab Dually.
Currently my collection is a modest 13 strong. I won't bore you all with the details, but I recently acquired a VERY nice example of a 1971 Six Pack Cuda in the rare and excellent FC7 Plum Crazy purple.
Thats my cousin Donny and his wife Emma, both in red. The other two are Billy and Christine which own one of the shops I use to fix my cars and maintain them. None of them are Saved™ but they don't mind helping me set up for a show so I let them sit with my cars while I go for hotdogs and Cokes.
God bless America, the Second Amendment and the Constitution. God bless the United States Marine Corps and all who fight for Jesus in third world cess pools. God bless the GOP and all they stand for, Truth, Honesty and the American people. God bless Landover Baptist Church and all True Christians™ the world over. Curses to our Muslim President, his failure is our Salvation.
|
|
Senior Pastor Ex-liberal; converted to True Christianity™ Always Biblically correct
True Christian™
|
|
Posts: 10,667
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 13706 Levite's Sojourn Terr., Gibeah Hill, Freehold, Iowa
|
|
Re: 2008 CAR ISSUE! Submit your praises here! -
06-06-2008, 02:29 AM
SUV's are the ideal vehicles, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. The lie-berals tell you that you could get along fine in a station wagon, but have you ever been off-roading in a station wagon? It's true that most SUV's go no farther off road than the valet-parking lane at the mall, but the point remains that you could go off-roading, and that's what's important.
I also don't want to hear any whining about how SUV's and their owners get special privileges in terms of taxation and safety regulation or about how they take up two parking spaces in the parking garage while paying for only one. It's just none of your business that I drive an SUV, okay?
This church is dedicated to preaching True Christianity™ and the King James Bible exactly as they are, with no alterations to make them more politically correct for modern liberals. If you think that we've misquoted or twisted Scripture or quoted any verse out of context, please explain in detail how we've done so. Otherwise, if what you read on this site offends you, then you're offended by Almighty God and His Word, not by us.
Questions to ask liberal "Christians" ✞ Things that the Bible doesn't say ✞ Tolerance
|
|
Municipal Code Archivist - Deuteronomy 28:58 Christ's Guardian
True Christian™
|
|
Posts: 23,743
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Mostly on the front porch.
|
|
Re: 2008 CAR ISSUE! Submit your praises here! -
06-06-2008, 03:15 AM
Sometimes it really IS necessary to have a car. In my old place the Jack-in-the-box next door was open all night, but you had to drive thru after 11, even if all you wanted was some fries they wouldn't sell them to you. Well, we wasted used our blessed gasoline and moved our cars 100 feet to get the freedom fries. Without the car we would have gone hungry.
May you be a blessing to every life you touch.
|
|
Didn't write the Bible, just obeys it
|
|
Posts: 6,639
Join Date: Jun 2007
|
|
Re: 2008 CAR ISSUE! Submit your praises here! -
06-06-2008, 03:31 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nobar King
Sometimes it really IS necessary to have a car. In my old place the Jack-in-the-box next door was open all night, but you had to drive thru after 11, even if all you wanted was some fries they wouldn't sell them to you. Well, we wasted used our blessed gasoline and moved our cars 100 feet to get the freedom fries. Without the car we would have gone hungry.
|
You mean the drive-thru wasn't wide enough to fit your SUV? Call your lawyer, thats DISCRIMINATION!
Disagree? By failing to register and debate me, you prove that liberals are factless frauds who only persuade through intimidation. To prove otherwise, debate me!
Got Questions? See Frequently Asked Questions, or use Forum Search, tag system, or our guides on Geography, History, Science, Comparative Religion, Civics, and Current Events.
Did I use a new word you've never heard? Definitions here. | Vote! Everything you need to vote here!
|
|
Municipal Code Archivist - Deuteronomy 28:58 Christ's Guardian
True Christian™
|
|
Posts: 23,743
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Mostly on the front porch.
|
|
Re: 2008 CAR ISSUE! Submit your praises here! -
06-06-2008, 03:35 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jeb Thurmond
You mean the drive-thru wasn't wide enough to fit your SUV? Call your lawyer, thats DISCRIMINATION!
|
Sorry if my post wasn't clear. What I meant was that we lived next door to the restaurant and usually would walk over to get the fries (the counter girls were cute), but after 11 we couldn't walk there anymore. We NEEDED the car then for our salty carbohydrates.
May you be a blessing to every life you touch.
|
|
Didn't write the Bible, just obeys it
|
|
Posts: 6,639
Join Date: Jun 2007
|
|
Re: 2008 CAR ISSUE! Submit your praises here! -
06-06-2008, 03:37 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nobar King
after 11 we couldn't walk there anymore. We NEEDED the car then for our salty carbohydrates.
|
Oh, that's not discrimination, that's just good business sense. Keeping out the riff-raff and all.
Disagree? By failing to register and debate me, you prove that liberals are factless frauds who only persuade through intimidation. To prove otherwise, debate me!
Got Questions? See Frequently Asked Questions, or use Forum Search, tag system, or our guides on Geography, History, Science, Comparative Religion, Civics, and Current Events.
Did I use a new word you've never heard? Definitions here. | Vote! Everything you need to vote here!
|
|
True Christian™
|
|
Posts: 9,361
Join Date: Jan 2007
|
|
Re: 2008 CAR ISSUE! Submit your praises here! -
06-06-2008, 06:40 AM
There's no doubt about it, big cars (and I mean big Detroit Iron) are safer. The way to think about it is to have some big balls, like all American Football. There is no question who is going to win in any contest between a football and a chink ping-pong ball.
In the end it's God's way of dealing with those hyphenate enviro-pinko-commie-tree-hugger Prius drivers, they are all going to die in car accidents.
Billy-Bob has the right idea here:
Glory!
Hell's foundations quiver at the shout of praise;
brothers, lift your voices, loud your anthems raise.
...and get off my lawn
|
|
Confirmed Enemy of God
BANNED from Landover -- Aeternal Damnation Assured
|
|
Posts: 309
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Greenbush, Georgia
|
|
Re: 2008 CAR ISSUE! Submit your praises here! -
06-06-2008, 11:44 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Alex_B
Rev. Green: You drive a Beetle?!?
|
Well I've been tight on cash lately. Most of my money has been going to Landover to keep securing my place as a Platinum Tither™. I even had to make a insurance claim some some silver Candlesticks that went missing from the church. Unfortunately, the insurance man, Mr. Biddle claims that my claim was fake and that I took them myself! (Needless to say I took care of him in the Kitchen....with some handy rope).
But my good ol' Beetle has been a old reliable for me. It was now starting to splutter out some rather decidedly toxic sludge from it's exhaust pipe, but that just added to it's rustic charm.
I guess the eco-greenies cannot appreciate that sort of beauty.
|
|
The Future Mrs. Ezekiel Flint Voted Best Pies in Freehold 10 Years Running aka the BiblethumpinBlonde
True Christian™
|
|
Posts: 15,473
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Apostles Grove, Freehold, IA
|
|
Re: 2008 CAR ISSUE! Submit your praises here! -
06-06-2008, 06:58 PM
Can I submit my own JESUS mobile?
GLORY!!
|
|
Senior Pastor Ex-liberal; converted to True Christianity™ Always Biblically correct
True Christian™
|
|
Posts: 10,667
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 13706 Levite's Sojourn Terr., Gibeah Hill, Freehold, Iowa
|
|
Re: 2008 CAR ISSUE! Submit your praises here! -
06-06-2008, 08:12 PM
I like to use this vehicle for going into town. It's also handy for taking my grandson and his friends places.
This church is dedicated to preaching True Christianity™ and the King James Bible exactly as they are, with no alterations to make them more politically correct for modern liberals. If you think that we've misquoted or twisted Scripture or quoted any verse out of context, please explain in detail how we've done so. Otherwise, if what you read on this site offends you, then you're offended by Almighty God and His Word, not by us.
Questions to ask liberal "Christians" ✞ Things that the Bible doesn't say ✞ Tolerance
|
|
Putting the "stud" back in Bible Study
|
|
Posts: 79,909
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Freehold, Iowa
|
|
Re: 2008 CAR ISSUE! Submit your praises here! -
06-07-2008, 12:37 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rev. Carlton Green
Well I've been tight on cash lately. Most of my money has been going to Landover to keep securing my place as a Platinum Tither™. I even had to make a insurance claim some some silver Candlesticks that went missing from the church. Unfortunately, the insurance man, Mr. Biddle claims that my claim was fake and that I took them myself! (Needless to say I took care of him in the Kitchen....with some handy rope).
But my good ol' Beetle has been a old reliable for me. It was now starting to splutter out some rather decidedly toxic sludge from it's exhaust pipe, but that just added to it's rustic charm.
I guess the eco-greenies cannot appreciate that sort of beauty.
|
You know, you have to hand it to the krauts. They just seem to have a knack for engeneering. A kraut is as clever with machines as a joo is with money.
God works in mysterious ways.
Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:
Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)
|
|
Righteous and Patriotic Highest body count at the VFW
True Christian™
|
|
Posts: 3,319
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Wiseman Compound and Bible Complex
|
|
Re: 2008 CAR ISSUE! Submit your praises here! -
06-07-2008, 02:53 AM
Speaking of Fords, I have a couple of those as well. Besides the F350 I used to haul with.
My favorite is the 67 Comet with a 427 in it. She's a sweety and sips gas at almost 12 miles to the gallon on the interstate.
God bless America, the Second Amendment and the Constitution. God bless the United States Marine Corps and all who fight for Jesus in third world cess pools. God bless the GOP and all they stand for, Truth, Honesty and the American people. God bless Landover Baptist Church and all True Christians™ the world over. Curses to our Muslim President, his failure is our Salvation.
|
|
Pastor for Diversity and Tolerance Christ's Rottweiler
|
|
Posts: 22,727
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Toiling selflessly towards Salvation
|
|
Re: 2008 CAR ISSUE! Submit your praises here! -
06-08-2008, 10:38 PM
I really should get rid of it, at my age, I just don't feel I'm up to speeds over 150mph.
Last edited by Ezekiel Bathfire; 07-19-2008 at 12:26 AM.
|
|
Founder, Operation Rescue, Now in Heaven with Jesus
True Christian™
|
|
Posts: 912
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: In Heaven with Jesus
|
|
Re: 2008 CAR ISSUE! Submit your praises here! -
06-10-2008, 03:14 PM
Personally, I prefer one of these...
Not only useful for commuting, but great for killing Arabs!
YIC,
Buford
yours in Christ,
Brother Buford
The only way to reduce the number of nuclear weapons is to use them.
- Rush Limbaugh
|
|
Confirmed Enemy of God
BANNED from Landover -- Aeternal Damnation Assured
|
|
Posts: 225
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Washington
|
|
Re: 2008 CAR ISSUE! Submit your praises here! -
06-10-2008, 04:01 PM
How money do you have? Seeing as though a tank is well over $5 million for the M1 Abrams tank (the one you have pictured).
|
|
Municipal Code Archivist - Deuteronomy 28:58 Christ's Guardian
True Christian™
|
|
Posts: 23,743
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Mostly on the front porch.
|
|
Re: 2008 CAR ISSUE! Submit your praises here! -
06-10-2008, 04:29 PM
Maybe he gets paid to drive it?
May you be a blessing to every life you touch.
|
|
Didn't write the Bible, just obeys it
|
|
Posts: 6,639
Join Date: Jun 2007
|
|
Re: 2008 CAR ISSUE! Submit your praises here! -
06-19-2008, 01:42 PM
I just updated the article: I love drive in everything, including drive-in-cars:
Disagree? By failing to register and debate me, you prove that liberals are factless frauds who only persuade through intimidation. To prove otherwise, debate me!
Got Questions? See Frequently Asked Questions, or use Forum Search, tag system, or our guides on Geography, History, Science, Comparative Religion, Civics, and Current Events.
Did I use a new word you've never heard? Definitions here. | Vote! Everything you need to vote here!
|
|
Senior Pastor Ex-liberal; converted to True Christianity™ Always Biblically correct
True Christian™
|
|
Posts: 10,667
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 13706 Levite's Sojourn Terr., Gibeah Hill, Freehold, Iowa
|
|
Re: 2008 CAR ISSUE! Submit your praises here! -
06-19-2008, 02:42 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jeb Thurmond
I just updated the article: I love drive in everything, including drive-in-cars:
|
That would certainly eliminate the need for a spare tire.
This church is dedicated to preaching True Christianity™ and the King James Bible exactly as they are, with no alterations to make them more politically correct for modern liberals. If you think that we've misquoted or twisted Scripture or quoted any verse out of context, please explain in detail how we've done so. Otherwise, if what you read on this site offends you, then you're offended by Almighty God and His Word, not by us.
Questions to ask liberal "Christians" ✞ Things that the Bible doesn't say ✞ Tolerance
|
|
Righteous and Patriotic Highest body count at the VFW
True Christian™
|
|
Posts: 3,319
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Wiseman Compound and Bible Complex
|
|
Re: 2008 CAR ISSUE! Submit your praises here! -
06-19-2008, 09:47 PM
Saves the environment like that. Tires last forever in a landfill I hear. I use old tires for dock foundations in the cow ponds.
God bless America, the Second Amendment and the Constitution. God bless the United States Marine Corps and all who fight for Jesus in third world cess pools. God bless the GOP and all they stand for, Truth, Honesty and the American people. God bless Landover Baptist Church and all True Christians™ the world over. Curses to our Muslim President, his failure is our Salvation.
|
Thread Tools |
|
Display Modes |
Linear Mode
|
Posting Rules
|
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
HTML code is Off
|
|
|
Powered by Jesus - vBulletin® Version 3.8.9 Copyright ©2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
vBulletin Skin developed by: vBStyles.com
Content Landover Baptist Forums © 1620, 2022 all rights reserved
|