[Uncle Rutherford]

Public Church Announcement: Pastor Ezekiel has tasked me with repaving the bronze, silver, and gold parking lots to keep them up to code and looking pristine as the solid gold pillars of Landover Baptist Church. Those current tithers who are affected by this, I apologize in advance but worry not, for Pastor Ezekiel himself came up with a solution for you all! You have the option for signing up for Diamond and Platinum tither status after paying all appropriate fees that would be expected or a platinum or Diamond tither and signing on a contract for the next three months. Have a blessed day fellow True Christians ™️.

[Joanna Lytton-Vasey]

Brother Rutherford, my mom wants to know (1) where the current Diamond and Platinum parking tithers are expected to park for the next three months, if their space is to be invaded by cheap, temporary upstarts. And (2), why is the Platinum parking lot not being given priority when it comes to renovation? She says it is quite "gravelly".

Please contact Mom (Mrs Allchurch) direct about this. You have her number.

[Uncle Rutherford]

Originally Posted by Joanna Lytton-Vasey

Brother Rutherford, my mom wants to know (1) where the current Diamond and Platinum parking tithers are expected to park for the next three months, if their space is to be invaded by cheap, temporary upstarts. And (2), why is the Platinum parking lot not being given priority when it comes to renovation? She says it is quite "gravelly".

Please contact Mom (Mrs Allchurch) direct about this. You have her number.

Parking spots with reserved spots will remain untouched. I called to let her know this. I am also going to take this time to assert my status as a True Christian ™️ Male (even if I am Ex-nigra) to remind you and your mother about 1 Timothy 2:12 But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence. I am sure your dearest beautiful mother is aware of this as well. If this is not good enough, has she considered upgrading to Double Diamond Status?

As for the platinum lot being “untidy”, your mother should be well aware also of how church complaints are to be first left in the drop box outside Pastor Ezekiel’s office.

[Dennis Lukes]

Anyone who doesn't love Jesus enough to tithe to their church at a platinum level deserves to get some blisters on the walk to Sunday services. There's plenty of free parking in Hell.

[Uncle Rutherford]

Originally Posted by Dennis Lukes

Anyone who doesn't love Jesus enough to tithe to their church at a platinum level deserves to get some blisters on the walk to Sunday services. There's plenty of free parking in Hell.

I myself am a lowly bronze tither, but I like to think I make up for it with all the volunteer work Pastor Ezekiel makes me do. I enjoy workin for him as “workin for the W̶h̶i̶t̶e̶ ̶m̶a̶n̶ Lord” surely would look good on my resume. I may not get paid for it, but it’s a contribution to the church regardless and I enjoy it.

[Unfalsifiable]

Fingers crossed they extend the aerial tramway to the copper and tin parking lots. I am getting blisters on my feet.

[Dennis Lukes]

Originally Posted by Unfalsifiable

Fingers crossed they extend the aerial tramway to the copper and tin parking lots. I am getting blisters on my feet.

Have you considered getting another job? Many factories and restaurants offer second or third shift positions which wouldn't interfere with your day job, and you could tithe 100% of your new wages to the church. Selling unnecessary possessions like electronics, furniture, and blood would also help to bump up your tithing status. Other good ideas include taking out a second/third mortgage on your house, applying for a loan, applying for multiple credit cards, and cashing in your 401(k) or your children's college funds.


Next time you get painful blisters, instead of complaining, read Malachi 3:8.


I hope you'll consider my advice. Have a blessed day!
Dennis Lukes

[Uncle Rutherford]

Originally Posted by Unfalsifiable

Fingers crossed they extend the aerial tramway to the copper and tin parking lots. I am getting blisters on my feet.

Umm it would appear that a certain tin tither hasn’t been paying attention to the sermons.

Leviticus 5:15 If a soul commit a trespass, and sin through ignorance, in the holy things of the LORD; then he shall bring for his trespass unto the LORD a ram without blemish out of the flocks, with thy estimation by shekels of silver, after the shekel of the sanctuary, for a trespass offering.

There is nothing wrong with the copper and tin parking lots so there is no reason for you people to be trespassing upon a higher tier tithe lot. The rules of the church are very clear; he who trespasses shall pay 5,000 silver shekels or 1400 dollars to Landover Baptist Church, forfeit the vehicle they committed the sin in to Freehold’s very own Samson’s car crush and impound lot and pay the 600 impound fee within 30 days or lose your vehicle for good. You’ll also be subject to a parking spot two teirs lower than your tithe level for not less than 3 years.

[Prayer Warrior]

Originally Posted by Uncle Rutherford

You’ll also be subject to a parking spot two teirs lower than your tithe level for not less than 3 years.

What about those already in the tin and copper tithing parking lot? What's two tiers below them?

[Uncle Rutherford]

Originally Posted by Prayer Warrior

What about those already in the tin and copper tithing parking lot? What's two tiers below them?

I thought it was kind of an unspoken rule never to even bring up the clay or plastic tiers. I take these parking lots seriously to protect the spots or the top tithers and I don’t intend on letting the bottom rungs of the ladder get away with stealing Mrs. Allchurch’s spot.

[Unfalsifiable]

There has been some great tailgating in the Clay parking lot over the years. Last Sunday the ex-Catholics brought a wood-fired pizza oven.

[Dennis Lukes]

Originally Posted by Unfalsifiable

There has been some great tailgating in the Clay parking lot over the years. Last Sunday the ex-Catholics brought a wood-fired pizza oven.

If they sold that portable pizza oven they might be able to afford an upgrade into the tin tither lot. Salvation is more important than parking lot pizzas.

[Uncle Rutherford]

Originally Posted by Dennis Lukes

If they sold that portable pizza oven they might be able to afford an upgrade into the tin tither lot. Salvation is more important than parking lot pizzas.

Oh they are so getting repaved next with no upgrades. Matthew 6:1 Take heed that ye do not your alms before men, to be seen of them: otherwise ye have no reward of your Father which is in heaven.

[Phil Ander]

Originally Posted by Unfalsifiable

There has been some great tailgating in the Clay parking lot over the years. Last Sunday the ex-Catholics brought a wood-fired pizza oven.

Unless you are one of the help, you have no business being in Freehold. It's a True Christian™ Gated Community. Although I don't live in Freehold I understand that those who try and enter under FALSE pretenses are subject to immediate apprehension and expulsion. Security is authorised to use "all necessary means" in this endeavor.


I have spoken to a few of my friends in Freehold, and they have never seen anyone that would fit for you. So, if you are not one of the help (ALL of whom sign NDAs, even if they can't read American) you must be a wannabe resident with a vivid imagination. Looking forward to your "alien abduction" story.


Phil

[Unfalsifiable]

Originally Posted by Dennis Lukes

If they sold that portable pizza oven they might be able to afford an upgrade into the tin tither lot. Salvation is more important than parking lot pizzas.

Well I say wood-fired Pizza oven, they were burning the wood chippings used to level the parking spaces in a hollowed out washing machine.


I don't know much about ethnic food. Anyway, I doubt it was worth much money.