[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

Freehold's New Years Eve Fireworks display has been cancelled, on the orders of some grand poobah far, far above the Mayor.

This has happened despite heroic efforts by our legal battalions to have the fireworks reclassified as an essential service, on the grounds that the event is often very similar to a pharmacy and/or a riot.

In an unrelated note, at the exact same time and place as the cancelled fireworks display, there will be an archeological dig. Because the ground is probably frozen or something, the dig will be done with explosives.

Please stand by for further information.

[Social Construct]

I keep trying to tell people that I'm an anthropologist, not an archeologist, but now that I'm roped into this I'm in it to win it.

We will explore cultural relativism, physical and conceptual boundaries of social relationships, humanity and personhood for other-than-human persons, and finally Indigenous thought and theory. ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRE YOU READY?!?!?!

Schedule:

1 PM "Deconstructing the Reconstructed: Questionable Metaphysical Assumptions Underlying Recent Work in Archaeology"

2 PM "Do Material Objects Really Exist? Toward a Radically Skeptical Archaeology"

3 PM "Reading the Private Mail Of Persons Who Died Many Centuries Ago: An Ethical Quandary"

4 PM "Can We Know What We Don't Know? If Not, Can We Then Know That We Can't Know It? Epistemology as a Foundation For Archaeological Uncertainty"

5 PM "Metaarchaeology: Uncovering the Archaeological Practices of Ancient Societies"

6 PM "Is That Hand Axe Pink? A Queer Theory Perspective on Archaeological Survey Techniques."

7 PM "101 ways to use the word "praxis" - #35 will amaze you!"

8 PM "Grudge match: Ontological multiverse VS relational ontologies"

9 PM Essential service compliance: In the unlikely event that no rioting has occurred yet, we will pillage the nearest Chinese restaurant.

10 PM Musical Guest: Moe Toadlick and the Aardvarkocidal Cumquats.

11 PM Second Coming of Christ (no refunds)

12 AM Totally not fireworks.

[Dolores de Barriga]

Can I be squeezed into the program, to present "Alienated Nonhumans: Agency of Gendered Artifacts as an Intersection of Thing Theory, Technology of Enchantment, Sacred Commodities, and the Neo-Marxist Feminist Theory"? Because your program is very skewed, I see no feminist theory in an anthropological/archaeological conference program! That's so not politically correct of you, I'm so disappointed, even tempted to cancel you, Social Construct!

Anyway. I guess as long as you have the owners' permission to do so, "excavation" with fireworks doesn't constitute looting. And archaeology has been used since its infancy as cover for spying, so I suppose it's just desserts that now it will serve as cover for fireworks display.

[WWJDnow]

I'm sure that the people of the Iowa Tribe will rejoice in knowing that the secrets of their sacred ancestral burial ground will be blasted into the open, promoting a wider exploration and understanding of their unique heritage as savages. With the sheer volume of the blast debris, Creation Anthropologists from the Landover Baptist University will be examining the various bone fragments and what remains of the burial goods for decades to come, without all of the tedium of careful digging with paintbrushes and dental picks. These artifacts could even be from pre-flood times!

I may have to miss the talks, though, since I'm scheduled to participate in a seminar sponsored by the Landover Baptist University's Tony Alamo Center for Ethics in Religion, "Eternal Torture in Hell: Contextually Contingent or Anguish Without End? Hint: It's the Latter."

Originally Posted by Dolores de Barriga

I see no feminist theory in an anthropological/archaeological conference program! That's so not politically correct of you, I'm so disappointed, even tempted to cancel you, Social Construct!

How dare you treat a person of color like Social Construct with such blatant microaggression! Instead of inquiring as to the feminist theory component of his program, you blindly attacked him from your position of privilege as an almost white person. Your outmoded notions of race and aggressive attitude have no place in civilized discourse. Which is unfortunate, because your topic no doubt would have been a fascinating exploration of the intersection of dialectical feminism, reconstructive science, subcapitalist constructive theory, beingness as a deconstructivist paradigm, indigenous thought, and the role of narrativity in 21st Century hermeneutics.

Or you could just read the Bible, where it's all explained to us.

[Joanna Lytton-Vasey]

Originally Posted by WWJDnow

How dare you treat a person of color like Social Construct with such blatant microaggression! Instead of inquiring as to the feminist theory component of his program, you blindly attacked him from your position of privilege as an almost white person.

Never mind zeir race, are you absolutely sure of Social Construct's pronouns, Brother Dnow? Has he/she/ze/it/whatever shared this vital and doubtless fascinating information with us? I must confess that I may not have been paying attention.

[Basilissa]

Originally Posted by WWJDnow

I'm sure that the people of the Iowa Tribe will rejoice in knowing that the secrets of their sacred ancestral burial ground will be blasted into the open, promoting a wider exploration and understanding of their unique heritage as savages. With the sheer volume of the blast debris, Creation Anthropologists from the Landover Baptist University will be examining the various bone fragments and what remains of the burial goods for decades to come, without all of the tedium of careful digging with paintbrushes and dental picks.

Dearest Brother, I have seen all of the Indiana Jones movies, and I haven't seen "careful digging with paintbrushes and dental picks" in any of them. So your idea of what archaeologists do seems to be wrong?... Because what I learned from these movies, is that archaeologists go to cool places without seeking permission from national governments nor land owners, then blast their way through ancient walls, take as many valuable artifacts as they can carry, and let the ancient structures crumble behind them, burying all the other ancient relics forever.

So in this sense, excavating with fireworks is not too far from excavating the Indiana Jones' way!

[WWJDnow]

Don't forget the cool outfits that archaeologists wear in the field.

[Dr. Anthony J. Toole]

Originally Posted by WWJDnow

Don't forget the cool outfits that archaeologists wear in the field.

Sweet bazookas.

[Basilissa]

Originally Posted by WWJDnow

Don't forget the cool outfits that archaeologists wear in the field.

Note that there is not a speck of dust on that outfit - disproving myths surrounding archaeologists, claiming that they dig in dirt. Can you imagine something so absurd?!

[Dr. Anthony J. Toole]

Originally Posted by Basilissa

Note that there is not a speck of dust on that outfit - disproving myths surrounding archaeologists, claiming that they dig in dirt. Can you imagine something so absurd?!

The "dirty" secret that professional archeologists don't want you to know is that they spend more of their time like this than dropping trowel outside. The digging is reserved for volunteers and foreign labor sorry, students. Oh look here comes a new batch fresh of the boat. A warm welcome to Cailyin, Ivanka, Jennifer and Meghan.