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Default How to speak directly to the Lead Pastor - 10-28-2021, 06:36 PM

I have been asked how one might speak in person and directly to Landover’s beloved leader and inspiration, Pastor Ezekiel (Zeke) Flint.

This is an excellent question as Landover has, since 1620, prided itself (in a very humble way) on the accessibility of all its Pastors to all who seek Salvation. To that end, the following convenient and simple method is used:

However, before we progress, please note, that the necessity to speak to Pastor Flint will only occur if (i) you are still conflicted about the advice received from one of our many Pastors and (ii) it relates to matters that are of public interest to the fundamental issues of Baptist faith and (iii) the conflict is not addressed the Mission Statement (and supplementary documentation) of Landover Baptist Church.

If those very reasonable conditions are met, the following procedure should be followed.

At dawn, lay the carcass of a dove (not a pigeon) on the altar of the Lamentations Flint Chapel. At sundown of that day, a Pastor will appear unto you and he will ask you three questions related to your Faith. If you answer them correctly, he will provide to you a quill with which you will write your name upon the piece of papyrus provided. The Pastor will then instruct you to burn this papyrus in a fire made of tumbleweed. The following morning, Pastor Zeke will appear unto you, and at this point you may ask your question. I must warn you, show due respect and do not look him directly in the eye.





“We must reassert that the essence of Christianity is the love of obedience to God’s Laws and that how that complete obedience is used or implemented does not concern us.”

Author of such illuminating essays as,
Map of the Known World; Periodic Table of Elements; The History of Linguistics; The Errors of Wicca; Dolphins and Evolution; The History of Landover (The Apology); Landover and the Civil War; 2000 Racial Slurs.
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Default Re: How to speak directly to the Lead Pastor - 10-29-2021, 02:59 PM

Pastor Bathfire,

Asking for a friend, would a $100,000 contribution to the Jet fund be regarded as a suitable alternative pathway to being granted an audience with Pastor Zeke?

Phil


58 If thou wilt not observe to do all the words of this law that are written in this book, that thou mayest fear this glorious and fearful name, THE LORD THY GOD; 59 Then the LORD will make thy plagues wonderful, and the plagues of thy seed, even great plagues, and of long continuance, and sore sicknesses, and of long continuance. 60 Moreover he will bring upon thee all the diseases of Egypt, which thou wast afraid of; and they shall cleave unto thee. 61 Also every sickness, and every plague, which is not written in the book of this law, them will the LORD bringk upon thee, until thou be destroyed.


Deuteronomy 28: 58- 61
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Default Re: How to speak directly to the Lead Pastor - 11-06-2021, 03:18 PM

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Originally Posted by Phil Ander View Post
Asking for a friend, would a $100,000 contribution to the Jet fund be regarded as a suitable alternative pathway to being granted an audience with Pastor Zeke?
Yes, but you still need to sacrifice the dove.


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Default Re: How to speak directly to the Lead Pastor - 11-06-2021, 04:47 PM

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Originally Posted by WWJDnow View Post
Yes, but you still need to sacrifice the dove.
Thanks. I'll let my friend know.


Phil


58 If thou wilt not observe to do all the words of this law that are written in this book, that thou mayest fear this glorious and fearful name, THE LORD THY GOD; 59 Then the LORD will make thy plagues wonderful, and the plagues of thy seed, even great plagues, and of long continuance, and sore sicknesses, and of long continuance. 60 Moreover he will bring upon thee all the diseases of Egypt, which thou wast afraid of; and they shall cleave unto thee. 61 Also every sickness, and every plague, which is not written in the book of this law, them will the LORD bringk upon thee, until thou be destroyed.


Deuteronomy 28: 58- 61
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Default Re: How to speak directly to the Lead Pastor - 11-07-2021, 08:08 PM

Please remind your friend that a dove is the minimum. A lamb or oxen would be preferable if your friend can afford it. If he cannot, well... one wonders about a friend who can only afford the minimum. Try to find a lamb, that's all I'm saying.

Quote:
Leviticus 5
7And if he be not able to bring a lamb, then he shall bring for his trespass, which he hath committed, two turtledoves, or two young pigeons, unto the LORD; one for a sin offering, and the other for a burnt offering.

11But if he be not able to bring two turtledoves, or two young pigeons, then he that sinned shall bring for his offering the tenth part of an ephah of fine flour for a sin offering; he shall put no oil upon it, neither shall he put any frankincense thereon: for it is a sin offering.


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Default Re: How to speak directly to the Lead Pastor - 11-07-2021, 08:57 PM

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Originally Posted by Dr. Anthony J. Toole View Post
Please remind your friend that a dove is the minimum. A lamb or oxen would be preferable if your friend can afford it. If he cannot, well... one wonders about a friend who can only afford the minimum. Try to find a lamb, that's all I'm saying.
Lambs are seasonal, of course. In Godless Britain, it is quite difficult to find them until early Spring, though I dare say that if Brother Phil's friend happened to be in the Anti-Podes, an area which God has decreed should be eternally upside-down and back-to-front, it may well be Spring, or tomorrow, or last Tuesday. I honestly don't know how those people cope.

Oxen are of course plural, which is perhaps why a single dove might be preferred?


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Default Re: How to speak directly to the Lead Pastor - 11-08-2021, 12:41 AM

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Originally Posted by Joanna Lytton-Vasey View Post
Oxen are of course plural, which is perhaps why a single dove might be preferred?
Thank you Sister. Most helpful. However, a single dove seems about one short; the Bible mentions two turtledoves. Three French hens or a partridge might be substituted at one's own risk or otherwise, to be certain of satisfaction, a lamb. One tenth part of an ephah* of fine flour may pass muster in a pinch, but why risk it?!


* an ancient Hebrew unit of dry measure equal to ą/₁₀ homer


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Default Re: How to speak directly to the Lead Pastor - 11-08-2021, 02:14 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Joanna Lytton-Vasey View Post
an area which God has decreed should be eternally upside-down and back-to-front, it may well be Spring, or tomorrow, or last Tuesday. I honestly don't know how those people cope.
Their upside-downedness is especially egregious considering the fact that they are just as right side up as every other country on this flat earth. Surely the cause must truly be the cumulative effect of generations of fetal alcohol syndrome.


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Default Re: How to speak directly to the Lead Pastor - 11-08-2021, 10:51 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Joanna Lytton-Vasey View Post
I dare say that if Brother Phil's friend happened to be in the Anti-Podes, an area which God has decreed should be eternally upside-down and back-to-front, it may well be Spring, or tomorrow, or last Tuesday. I honestly don't know how those people cope.
My friend is a fellow congregant at Pastor Trewhella's Mercy Seat Christian Church in Milwaukee.


In Wisconsin, dove hunting season is from Sept 1 to Nov 29, so there is some time for my friend to bag a few, and perhaps put some in the freezer for off season applications to Pastor Zeke.


2019migratoryforecast.pdf (wi.gov)


Phil


58 If thou wilt not observe to do all the words of this law that are written in this book, that thou mayest fear this glorious and fearful name, THE LORD THY GOD; 59 Then the LORD will make thy plagues wonderful, and the plagues of thy seed, even great plagues, and of long continuance, and sore sicknesses, and of long continuance. 60 Moreover he will bring upon thee all the diseases of Egypt, which thou wast afraid of; and they shall cleave unto thee. 61 Also every sickness, and every plague, which is not written in the book of this law, them will the LORD bringk upon thee, until thou be destroyed.


Deuteronomy 28: 58- 61
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Default Re: How to speak directly to the Lead Pastor - 11-08-2021, 11:45 PM

There is no way on God's green Earth that I would sacrifice a frozen dove on Pastor Zeke's altar.

I agree that a bullock would be the best sacrifice, but please be sure that it is an unblemished bullock. If you don't have one at hand, they are available for purchase in the Church gift shop.


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Default Re: How to speak directly to the Lead Pastor - 11-09-2021, 12:26 AM

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Originally Posted by WWJDnow View Post
There is no way on God's green Earth that I would sacrifice a frozen dove on Pastor Zeke's altar.
I don't care about doves. Most people don't care about doves. How is that a sacrifice? Seems to me a real sacrifice would be to slaughter the family pet as an offering unto Pastor Ezekiel.


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Default Re: How to speak directly to the Lead Pastor - 11-09-2021, 03:14 AM

JF Christ! I expect anyone who dares to address me directly to be a sin-free born-again LBC Christian. In case you're a sinner and wish to speak to me, you will have to be satisfied with communicating your whinings to me through Jesus my Pal. Just pray that He forward your pitiful yearnings to me. Anyways, I'm in communication with Him on a 24/7 basis. Of course, if you're a sinner, He will not hear you!
Quote:
Now we know that God heareth not sinners: but if any man be a worshipper of God, and doeth his will, him he heareth.

John 9:31
In addition, substantial donations to our Church are a good indication of a sincere will to become a follower of me and JFC - gold, platinum, palladium and in extreme cases decent amounts of silver accepted.


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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Default Re: How to speak directly to the Lead Pastor - 08-12-2022, 01:02 AM

I get really nervous when this happens. Liberty University just hired a head- hunting firm to help find it a new President. You have to know they will put Pastor Zeke on their list.

We don't know if Liberty can come up with a package to beat the one we pay him. I'm sure they will not give him an Airbus 320. All the same, let's be pouring love and money on our Pastor Zeke.


Liberty U names executive search firm to hire next president | U.S. News (christianpost.com)




Isaiah 24:1-3 Behold, the LORD maketh the earth empty (2)...as the taker of usury, so with the giver of usury to him. (3) The land shall be utterly emptied, and utterly spoiled: for the LORD hath spoken his word.
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Default Re: How to speak directly to the Lead Pastor - 08-12-2022, 01:15 AM

Mr. Mayor, I took the liberty (pun intended) to bring the yearly poll forward so Pastor Zeke can see how much he is feared loved.


If I have seen further, it is by standing on the heads of others.
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Default Re: How to speak directly to the Lead Pastor - 08-13-2022, 07:33 AM

I sometimes fellowship with a guy whose brother works in the mimeograph office at Liberty. He told me that Pastor Ezekiel and Donald Trump are the two early favorites for the job. It makes sense--both embody the Christian values that Liberty promotes, both have led successful organizations that included prestigious universities, the Landover Baptist University and Trump University, both are beloved by the Lord, and neither is tainted by any hint of sexual scandal.

As a church community, we need to up the package we're offering Pastor Zeke to make it impossible for him to leave. What is the extra $100 or $200 million per year we'd need to pay him compared to the enlightened leadership Pastor Ezekiel provides? We could structure it creatively to include royalties on our tv ministries, tent revivals, traveling puppet shows, Biblical trading cards business, Pastor Ezekiel lunchboxes, the Thief in the Night podcast, church-branded disciplinary rods for beating children and wives, the Zeke of the Week screen saver app, the Baby Jesus line of infant clothing and accessories, Landover Baptist Church on Ice, etc. I'm sure the Jews in accounting and legal will have some great ideas on how to use offshore accounts to minimize the taxes.

We're the world's largest Evangelical megachurch. We're well enough endowed that we can offer Pastor Ezekiel a large package to make him stay. So let's make this happen!


The Christian Right: The Only Right Way to Be a Christian!
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Default Re: How to speak directly to the Lead Pastor - 08-13-2022, 02:08 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by WWJDnow View Post

As a church community, we need to up the package we're offering Pastor Zeke to make it impossible for him to leave. ... We could structure it creatively to include royalties on our tv ministries, tent revivals, traveling puppet shows, Biblical trading cards business, Pastor Ezekiel lunchboxes, the Thief in the Night podcast, church-branded disciplinary rods for beating children and wives, the Zeke of the Week screen saver app, the Baby Jesus line of infant clothing and accessories, Landover Baptist Church on Ice, etc.
We're the world's largest Evangelical megachurch. We're well enough endowed that we can offer Pastor Ezekiel a large package to make him stay. So let's make this happen!
The problem we face are the opportunities for side hustles. Jerry Falwell Jr. is now listed as worth $100 million. Nearly all of this was wheeling and dealing side hustles in real estate while still President at Liberty. I'm aware Pastor Zeke now has some side hustles but for us to compete with Liberty, we will need bigger ones. Apparently, we have a little time before Liberty comes. Let's work on this.


Isaiah 24:1-3 Behold, the LORD maketh the earth empty (2)...as the taker of usury, so with the giver of usury to him. (3) The land shall be utterly emptied, and utterly spoiled: for the LORD hath spoken his word.
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