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Exclamation The Baldknobbers REVEALED! - 11-20-2012, 12:46 AM

Friends,

I have just returned to my dwelling, bolted the doors and released the blood hounds. Only by repeating Psalm 23:4 have I calmed down sufficiently to type my account. It was an evening of such depravity that I hardly dare describe it. However, keeping in mind the words of Philippians 4:13, I will begin at the beginning.

My great-grand-daddy was proud to call himself a Bald Knobber.



This was in the years immediately after the war of Yankee agression, and folks like my great-grand-daddy had to uphold God's law in a lawless time. There were freed nigras running amok; tens of thousands of yankee looters, with raping and pillaging of both women and cattle; all manner of sleazy politicians, their carpet bags bulging with stolen gold and fixings: they all laid siege to the lives of decent folk in the South and the South West.

In the state of Missouri, however, a group arose who spread salvation and glory, under the noble moniker of "The Bald Knobbers". These were no ordinary men. They saw about them fornicators, thieves, adulterers, liars, drunkards and cheats; and they dealt with these criminals according to God's law. These heroes would recite 1 Corinthians 6:9-10, as they strung the transgressors up from the nearest tree.



"Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind, Nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners, shall inherit the kingdom of God." were the last words these criminals ever heard!

All in all, the Hopkins's have always been proud of great-grand-daddy. And so, it was with a song in my heart, and praising Jesus by not sparing the gas, that I drove over to Branson yesterday evening.

I had noticed an advertisement in the local newspaper for "The Baldknobbers Jamboree Show", and was determined to make contact with the fine men who were carrying on my great-grand-daddy's tradition.

Now, you have to keep in mind, that my great-grand-daddy was a man who would only quote 1 John 3:4, when in conjunction with Romans 6:23!

"Whosoever committeth sin transgresseth also the law: for sin is the transgression of the law, young Matthew", he would croak, "And you must never forget that! For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord," he would add, with a twinkle in his eye.


It was with high hopes then, that I cruised into the outskirts of Branson as the dusk fell softly over the hills all around. I seemed to feel my great-grand-daddy's angel was sitting next to me, like generations of Hopkins's were with me, there in my luxury SUV. Maybe it was the Hopkin's family heirlooms, laid out on the passenger seat, which brought about these strange feelings.

There they were, old Obadiah Hopkins' hickory shafted hatchet:




Habakkuk 'Hop-along' Hopkins' trusty rope:



And the costume of my great-grand-daddy, Abednego Hopkins:



Yes, friends, how I was looking forward to meeting some real men. Missouri men. Republican men. Men prepared to beard the lion in its den, men prepared to fight back against liberals and queers and God-hating God-hating God-hating atheists. Men like my great-grand-daddy. Men like The Bald Knobbers, who had once struck fear into the hearts of all sinful men. I was going to meet them, and together we would strike a blow for God, and for freedom from Democrat oppression and hatred.

You can imagine, friends, my emotions, when upon arriving at what I had imagined to be a fundraising jamboree for a Godly, Republican militia, instead I found....










...THIS......





















And this...










I maintained my composure, and taking my strength from the book of Leviticus, Chapter 21, I proclaimed:"Whosoever he be of thy seed in their generations that hath any blemish, let him not approach to offer the bread of his God!" as I turned over the nearest table,
"Or a dwarf, or that hath a blemish in his eye, or be scurvy, or scabbed, or hath his stones broken!" I exalted, as I strode onto the stage and kicked the middle of those three fools in the tallywhacker, "A fool's lips enter into contention, and his mouth calleth for strokes!" said I, smiting the spastic on the left with Proverbs 18:6 and a swift uppercut.

I was on the verge of dealing with the third retard, preparing to save him with Proverbs 3:35 and a kick in the kneecap, when I was set upon by a surprisingly athletic, blonde violiniste. Shortly afterwards I was roughly escorted to my car by two colored men in uniforms.

What happened next is hazy, I'm afraid. I remember the hatchet, and the rope, and something about calling 911. But the main thing is that I made it home safely, after such a shocking evening. It was like some sort of spastic orgy of music and dance, back there. Women cavorting in revealing clothes, retards and learning disableds on stage.

Blemishes,

harlots,

whores

and banjos.

That about sums up "The Baldknobbers".

But folks, don't let their disgusting, "inclusive" agenda fool you. These people are evil. They are sinners, and they are law breakers. They spew their "comedy" and their "antics", but their very being is of satan.

Don't forget those verses that my great-grand-daddy, Abednego Hopkins, was so fond of quoting:

"Whosoever committeth sin transgresseth also the law: for sin is the transgression of the law." 1 John 3:4 "For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord." Romans 6:23


I shall replace Abednego's costume in the library, in the cabinet next to his portrait, where I keep a candle burning. Then I shall lock the shutters, and go to my room.



As always, I will lie awake, pondering Ephesians 5:22, and, as of late, I will pray earnestly for the fifth Mrs Hopkins to arrive most urgently. I ask this of you, Oh Lord.

YBIC

Matthew

Last edited by Professor Bessemer; 11-20-2012 at 08:01 AM. Reason: Typographical error.
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Default Re: The Baldknobbers REVEALED! - 11-20-2012, 01:40 AM

I am speechless. "As they carried out justice on the transgressors," my first thoughts were that they're in God's hands from the Scriptural reference. I had never seen from the perspective of those who arrange the meeting between them and God.
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Default Re: The Baldknobbers REVEALED! - 11-20-2012, 02:01 AM

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Originally Posted by Shimei View Post
I am speechless. "As they carried out justice on the transgressors," my first thoughts were that they're in God's hands from the Scriptural reference. I had never seen from the perspective of those who arrange the meeting between them and God.
Friend, you have just been shown by scripture that sinning is unlawful, and that breaking the law is sinful (1 John 3:4). Then you were shown by God's Holy Bible that the wages of sin is death (Romans 6:23).

That was a lawless time, when great-grand-daddy was a Bald Knobber. I would never advocate behaving in such a way today, unless anarchy abounded, and it was down to True Christians™ to give God's law to the people. We are not yet living in anarchy, friend, not yet. But, and it's just my two cents, that day is not far off.

YBIC
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Default Re: The Baldknobbers REVEALED! - 11-20-2012, 02:37 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Matthew Hopkins View Post
Friend, you have just been shown by scripture that sinning is unlawful, and that breaking the law is sinful (1 John 3:4). Then you were shown by God's Holy Bible that the wages of sin is death (Romans 6:23).

That was a lawless time, when great-grand-daddy was a Bald Knobber. I would never advocate behaving in such a way today, unless anarchy abounded, and it was down to True Christians™ to give God's law to the people. We are not yet living in anarchy, friend, not yet. But, and it's just my two cents, that day is not far off.

YBIC
Question, how will we know the enemy in times ahead, by their uniform, their color, their state...

The times past and the times ahead makes me cringe more than the fingers of Jesus’ against the splintered rails.



Thanks for the history lesson, and sharing the word of God.


God bless
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Post Re: The Baldknobbers REVEALED! - 11-20-2012, 02:59 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Shimei View Post
Question, how will we know the enemy in times ahead, by their uniform, their color, their state...

The times past and the times ahead makes me cringe more than the fingers of Jesus’ against the splintered rails.



Thanks for the history lesson, and sharing the word of God.


God bless
I think you are confusing me with the book of Revelation, friend. My favorite book in the Bible is Psalms.

How long will ye judge unjustly, and accept the persons of the wicked? Selah.
Defend the poor and fatherless: do justice to the afflicted and needy.
Deliver the poor and needy: rid them out of the hand of the wicked.
They know not, neither will they understand ; they walk on in darkness: all the foundations of the earth are out of course. I have said ,
Ye are gods; and all of you are children of the most High.
But ye shall die like men, and fall like one of the princes.
Arise , O God, judge the earth: for thou shalt inherit all nations.
Psalm 82:2-8

YBIC
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Default Re: The Baldknobbers REVEALED! - 11-20-2012, 08:07 AM

When I was a rampant, drug crazed homosexual deviant, I was also mislead by these buffoons that rather ignominiously call themselves the Bald Knobbers.. It was 1992 and I was flying back to the west coast after attending a lubricant manufacturers convention in Atlanta.

We hit rough weather soon after take off, and my plane was forced to land in Missouri. After I got to the room the airline provided, I furiously masturbated several times over a Gymboree advertisement I found in USA Today. Having nothing better to do, I then perused the local tourist information booklet that I found on my nightstand. When I saw that there was a group of local performers who called themselves the Baldknobbers, my perverted curiousity was piqued. To prepare myself for the evening, I took the last three hits of mescaline that I had in my overnight bag. After vomiting violently, I called a cab. During the ride to Branson, I anticipated a night of homoerotic spectacle and said as much to my driver. He was strangely silent.

Needles to say, soon after the show started, I realized that the performance was not what I had hoped for. I was of course quite disappointed, and due to the mescaline, also more than a bit agitated. If I remember correctly, as I was leaving, I assaulted an elderly usher, removed most of my clothing, and urinated in a potted plant in the foyer before being escorted back to my hotel room by the local authorities.

Looking back today, as a saved True Christian™, I can see that the safe, unfunny, familiar, repetitive, non threatening comedy that the Baldknobbers provide is in reality part of the glue that holds this country together. While they may not be as righteous as their historical namesakes, the Baldknobbers of Branson, MO are truly doing God's work by keeping up the spirits of right thinking Americans.


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Sodomites! Stop being gay TODAY!

Wherefore lay apart all filthiness and superfluity of naughtiness, and receive with meekness the engrafted word, which is able to save your souls. James 1:21

Last edited by Professor Bessemer; 11-21-2012 at 07:38 AM. Reason: Clarity in the eyes of Jesus
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Default Re: The Baldknobbers REVEALED! - 11-20-2012, 09:45 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Professor Bessemer View Post
Looking back today, as a saved True Christian™, I can see that the safe, unfunny, familiar, repetitive, non threatening comedy that the Baldknobbers provide is in reality part of the glue that holds this country together. While they may not be as righteous as their historical namesakes, the Baldknobbers of Branson, MO are truly doing God's work by keeping up the spirits of right thinking Americans.
I see now, Professor, in the cold light of day, that my reaction may have been extreme. Perhaps I was vainly searching for something of yesterday that no longer exists, or that perhaps never existed. In any case, I shall restrict all further 'pleasure excursions' to Dollywood.

YBIC
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Default Re: The Baldknobbers REVEALED! - 11-20-2012, 01:09 PM

And now I come to think about it, that last tequila I took for the road did seem to contain some protein..



YBIC
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Default Re: The Baldknobbers REVEALED! - 11-20-2012, 05:43 PM

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Originally Posted by Matthew Hopkins View Post
And now I come to think about it, that last tequila I took for the road did seem to contain some protein..



YBIC
Must have been Mezcal then. Damn beaner writing..


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Default Re: The Baldknobbers REVEALED! - 11-20-2012, 06:38 PM

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Originally Posted by Carl the wop View Post
Must have been Mezcal then. Damn beaner writing..
Indeed, I had confiscated the bottle from one of my messican laborers. He is now under lock and key in the dungeon guest room, while I decide what to do with him.

YBIC
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Default Re: The Baldknobbers REVEALED! - 11-20-2012, 07:24 PM

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Indeed, I had confiscated the bottle from one of my messican laborers. He is now under lock and key in the dungeon guest room, while I decide what to do with him.

YBIC
Can't trust them beaners, brother Matthew. Remember they were injuns before the Spanish Papists took them over..


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Default Re: The Baldknobbers REVEALED! - 11-20-2012, 07:30 PM

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Originally Posted by Carl the wop View Post
Can't trust them beaners, brother Matthew. Remember they were injuns before the Spanish Papists took them over..
That's very true, brother, you make sense as always. Any suggestions as to his fate? It's a long way down the mountain...

YBIC
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