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Default Day 79. 1 Samuel 4-6 - 11-24-2007, 04:30 PM

1 Samuel 4-6

Today we get:
  • War with the Philistines
  • Death of Eli's boys
  • Plagues on the Philistines

1 Samuel 4

1 And the word of Samuel came to all Israel. Now Israel went out against the Philistines to battle, and pitched beside Ebenezer: and the Philistines pitched in Aphek.

Samuel's fame as the prophet of the LORD was spreading.

2 And the Philistines put themselves in array against Israel: and when they joined battle, Israel was smitten before the Philistines: and they slew of the army in the field about four thousand men.


So, to counter the losses, the Israelites decided they should bring the Ark to the camp. Because with God on their side (and in their camp) they couldn't lose... could they?

4 So the people sent to Shiloh, that they might bring from thence the ark of the covenant of the LORD of hosts, which dwelleth between the cherubims: and the two sons of Eli, Hophni and Phinehas, were there with the ark of the covenant of God.

Hophni and Phinehas were the caretakers of the Ark. Even though they were really bad people, they still performed the priestly role of carrying the ark. This would put them in the lineage of Aaron, although that isn't defined.

5 And when the ark of the covenant of the LORD came into the camp, all Israel shouted with a great shout, so that the earth rang again.

Great, now we can't lose!

6 And when the Philistines heard the noise of the shout, they said, What meaneth the noise of this great shout in the camp of the Hebrews? And they understood that the ark of the LORD was come into the camp.

Even the uncircumcised Philistines knew that with the ark there, they couldn't win.

7 And the Philistines were afraid, for they said, God is come into the camp. And they said, Woe unto us! for there hath not been such a thing heretofore.

CRAPOLA!

Someone told them to stop whining (like jews) otherwise, they'd wind up being servants to the hebrews, and they should get out and fight like real men! Like PHILISTINES!

10 And the Philistines fought, and Israel was smitten, and they fled every man into his tent: and there was a very great slaughter; for there fell of Israel thirty thousand footmen.

What about the ark? Why didn't it work?

11 And the ark of God was taken; and the two sons of Eli, Hophni and Phinehas, were slain.

Awww, well, they got what they deserved; and what was promised to them.

So a Benjaminite runs from the camp to Shiloh to tell Eli that they lost, Eli's sons are dead and the ark was taken.

17 And the messenger answered and said, Israel is fled before the Philistines, and there hath been also a great slaughter among the people, and thy two sons also, Hophni and Phinehas, are dead, and the ark of God is taken.

This can't be good.

18 And it came to pass, when he made mention of the ark of God, that he fell from off the seat backward by the side of the gate, and his neck brake, and he died: for he was an old man, and heavy. And he had judged Israel forty years.

Old fat Eli died from falling off his chair.

19 And his daughter in law, Phinehas' wife, was with child, near to be delivered: and when she heard the tidings that the ark of God was taken, and that her father in law and her husband were dead, she bowed herself and travailed; for her pains came upon her.

Word of her husbands death brought on labor.

20 And about the time of her death the women that stood by her said unto her, Fear not; for thou hast born a son. But she answered not, neither did she regard it.

21 And she named the child Ichabod, saying, The glory is departed from Israel: because the ark of God was taken, and because of her father in law and her husband.


Ichabod. The son of Phinehas, the grandson of Eli.

22 And she said, The glory is departed from Israel: for the ark of God is taken.

She said it twice, then she died.

1 Samuel 5

1 And the Philistines took the ark of God, and brought it from Ebenezer unto Ashdod.

Ashdod was one of the principal cities of the Philistines.

2 When the Philistines took the ark of God, they brought it into the house of Dagon, and set it by Dagon.

Dagon was (probably) at the time, a grain god. As the people became more water focused, he turned into the more familiar fish god.

3 And when they of Ashdod arose early on the morrow, behold, Dagon was fallen upon his face to the earth before the ark of the LORD. And they took Dagon, and set him in his place again.


Dagon fell and worshipped the LORD overnight.

4 And when they arose early on the morrow morning, behold, Dagon was fallen upon his face to the ground before the ark of the LORD; and the head of Dagon and both the palms of his hands were cut off upon the threshold; only the stump of Dagon was left to him.

He probably looked like a fish too. Reverse evolution? He went from being a land creature to crawling back into the water.

6 But the hand of the LORD was heavy upon them of Ashdod, and he destroyed them, and smote them with emerods, even Ashdod and the coasts thereof.

Emerods are boils. (It can also mean hemorrhoids)

Well, the people didn't like having all these hemorrhoids, so they sent the ark to another city.

8 They sent therefore and gathered all the lords of the Philistines unto them, and said, What shall we do with the ark of the God of Israel? And they answered, Let the ark of the God of Israel be carried about unto Gath. And they carried the ark of the God of Israel about thither.

So they sent it to Gath.

9 And it was so, that, after they had carried it about, the hand of the LORD was against the city with a very great destruction: and he smote the men of the city, both small and great, and they had emerods in their secret parts.

The LORD did give them hemorrhoids!

10 Therefore they sent the ark of God to Ekron. And it came to pass, as the ark of God came to Ekron, that the Ekronites cried out, saying, They have brought about the ark of the God of Israel to us, to slay us and our people.

Then they sent the ark to Ekron.

They then decided to just send the ark away. Somewhere.

1 Samuel 6

1 And the ark of the LORD was in the country of the Philistines seven months.

Seven months of hemorrhoids. They need them some Preparation JESUS!

So the Philistines called the priests to find out what to do about the ark, and they decide, to put it on a cart, pulled by two cows and put it on the road.

4 Then said they, What shall be the trespass offering which we shall return to him? They answered, Five golden emerods, and five golden mice, according to the number of the lords of the Philistines: for one plague was on you all, and on your lords.

Mice? Where did mice come in? 5, I only counted 3 cities.


5 Wherefore ye shall make images of your emerods, and images of your mice that mar the land; and ye shall give glory unto the God of Israel: peradventure he will lighten his hand from off you, and from off your gods, and from off your land.

That's exactly what God wants, 5 golden images of a hemorrhoid.

9 And see, if it goeth up by the way of his own coast to Bethshemesh, then he hath done us this great evil: but if not, then we shall know that it is not his hand that smote us: it was a chance that happened to us.

If God steers the cart back to the Israel people, then it was God, if not, then we just all somehow got plagued by hemorrhoids, and mice (even though that's not really listed).

12 And the kine took the straight way to the way of Bethshemesh, and went along the highway, lowing as they went, and turned not aside to the right hand or to the left; and the lords of the Philistines went after them unto the border of Bethshemesh.

God knows how to drive some cattle!

13 And they of Bethshemesh were reaping their wheat harvest in the valley: and they lifted up their eyes, and saw the ark, and rejoiced to see it.

Look, the ark is coming back, PRAISE JESUS!

14 And the cart came into the field of Joshua, a Bethshemite, and stood there, where there was a great stone: and they clave the wood of the cart, and offered the kine a burnt offering unto the LORD.

The cart made it ok, so they cut it up for firewood, and offered the cattle that were pulling it as sacrifices to the guy who was steering the cart (God).

19 And he smote the men of Bethshemesh, because they had looked into the ark of the LORD, even he smote of the people fifty thousand and threescore and ten men: and the people lamented, because the LORD had smitten many of the people with a great slaughter.

God killed 50,070 men for looking into the ark, kind of like in Raiders of the Lost Ark.

20 And the men of Bethshemesh said, Who is able to stand before this holy LORD God? and to whom shall he go up from us?

21 And they sent messengers to the inhabitants of Kirjathjearim, saying, The Philistines have brought again the ark of the LORD; come ye down, and fetch it up to you.


God was on a smiting rampage. He saved the worst punishment for His own people. 50,070 people for looking, heck, even the joos were trying to get other joos to take the ark away.

So what have we learned today?

1. If you find the ark, don't look in it, or have someone else look in it, if they did, then you know you found it.
2. If God then smites you with hemorrhoids, send the ark back to Israel, along with golden emerods, of your affliction.
3. God likes to kill families all in the same day, if your father, uncle, mother and grandfather both die on the same day, you should probably be named Ichabod.

YIC
V


Judges 9:21 And Jotham ran away, and fled, and went to Beer, and dwelt there, for fear of Abimelech his brother.
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