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Default Day 102. 1 Kings 19-22 - 12-28-2007, 12:39 AM

1 Kings 19-22

Today we get:
  • Elijah on the run
  • Benhadad does stuff
  • Naboth's vineyard
  • Ahab's final battle

1 Kings 19

Remember, last time, Elijah had the god showdown and had the prophets of Baal killed. Well, Ahab's wife Jezebel was REALLY pissed about this.

2 Then Jezebel sent a messenger unto Elijah, saying, So let the gods do to me, and more also, if I make not thy life as the life of one of them by to morrow about this time.

She said, make me dead, if you aren't dead by tomorrow.

3 And when he saw that, he arose, and went for his life, and came to Beersheba, which belongeth to Judah, and left his servant there.

Why didn't the messenger carry out the assassin job?

Either way, Elijah went into hiding.

4 But he himself went a day's journey into the wilderness, and came and sat down under a juniper tree: and he requested for himself that he might die; and said, It is enough; now, O LORD, take away my life; for I am not better than my fathers.

Remember the other day in the almug trees from Ophir? Well, if you thought those trees were juniper, this shows that there was a word for Juniper, so that wasn't it.

While Elijah was sleeping, an angel woke him up and told him to get up and eat. The angel provided a meal of cakes and some water.

Elijah ate, then went back to sleep, and the angel woke him up with more cakes (I'd prefer sammiches). Elijah ate, and that gave him the strength to walk for 40 days, and he wound up sleeping in a cave in Horeb.

9 And he came thither unto a cave, and lodged there; and, behold, the word of the LORD came to him, and he said unto him, What doest thou here, Elijah?

The word of the LORD. What is the word? The word is Jesus. Jesus came to Elijah.

10 And he said, I have been very jealous for the LORD God of hosts: for the children of Israel have forsaken thy covenant, thrown down thine altars, and slain thy prophets with the sword; and I, even I only, am left; and they seek my life, to take it away.

What happened to the 100 prophets that Obadiah hid in the caves? Did Elijah conveniently forget about them when his life was on the line?

God then sends him on an anointing mission.

First, he is to go to Damascus and anoint Hazael over Syria.
Then, he is to go to anoint Jehu as king of Israel.
Finally, he is to anoint Elisha as the next major prophet.

God then tells him that Hazael will fight against Ahab, and when he's done, Jehu will take up the fight, and when he's done Elisha will finish off Ahab.

Elijah goes out, and anoints Elisha. Elisha asks for a second to say goodbye to his parents, and then he goes and finds Elijah.

1 Kings 20

1 And Benhadad the king of Syria gathered all his host together: and there were thirty and two kings with him, and horses, and chariots; and he went up and besieged Samaria, and warred against it.

Ahab was in Samaria at the time. Benhadad sent a messenger to Ahab saying give me your gold, silver, wives and kids.

4 And the king of Israel answered and said, My lord, O king, according to thy saying, I am thine, and all that I have.

Ahab is such a wuss.

Benhadad tells Ahab that he's gonna send people to make sure that Ahab gave up all the goods, booty and boot-ay!

Ahab then calls together his men and he whines about the final request, and they say don't do it.

Then some prophet guy shows up and says the the LORD will deliver Benhadad into Ahab's hands.

Benhadad hears that Ahab isn't gonna allow the search so he puts his troops into battle formation.

Well, Ahab sends out his troops while Benhadad and his men were having a party and were drunk.

20 And they slew every one his man: and the Syrians fled; and Israel pursued them: and Benhadad the king of Syria escaped on an horse with the horsemen.

Israel conquered Syria that day.

Ahab recuperated his losses and got himself a new army that was the same size as the last. Then they went out again to fight against Israel.

Earlier, Syria thought they lost because they were fighting in the hills, and claimed that the LORD was only good in the hills, so this time they fought in a valley.

28 And there came a man of God, and spake unto the king of Israel, and said, Thus saith the LORD, Because the Syrians have said, The LORD is God of the hills, but he is not God of the valleys, therefore will I deliver all this great multitude into thine hand, and ye shall know that I am the LORD.

The children of Israel killed 100,000 Syrians that day.

30 But the rest fled to Aphek, into the city; and there a wall fell upon twenty and seven thousand of the men that were left. And Benhadad fled, and came into the city, into an inner chamber.

Apparently a pissed on wall isn't very sturdy.

Benhadad and his men put on sackcloth and put ropes on their heads (not sure what that was all about) and told Ahab that they would restore the stolen cities and all name a street in Damascus after Ahab.

So Ahab and Benhadad made a treaty.

Now we get a weird little story about a prophet.

35 And a certain man of the sons of the prophets said unto his neighbour in the word of the LORD, Smite me, I pray thee. And the man refused to smite him.

So the prophet cursed the guy and said that when he leaves a lion will kill him... and it did.

37 Then he found another man, and said, Smite me, I pray thee. And the man smote him, so that in smiting he wounded him.

If a prophet asks you to hit him, you'd better do it and do it good.

The prophet then goes and waits in the road with ashes on his face as a disguise while waiting for the king of Israel.

The king shows up and the prophet tells him a story.

39 And as the king passed by, he cried unto the king: and he said, Thy servant went out into the midst of the battle; and, behold, a man turned aside, and brought a man unto me, and said, Keep this man: if by any means he be missing, then shall thy life be for his life, or else thou shalt pay a talent of silver.

Not sure exactly what that means, but apparently it means...

42 And he said unto him, Thus saith the LORD, Because thou hast let go out of thy hand a man whom I appointed to utter destruction, therefore thy life shall go for his life, and thy people for his people.

If God wants you to kill someone and you let him go, then you will be the one killed instead.

1 Kings 21

1 And it came to pass after these things, that Naboth the Jezreelite had a vineyard, which was in Jezreel, hard by the palace of Ahab king of Samaria.

Naboth had a vineyard; it was kind of a nice vineyard. Ahab decides he wants the land (because it's close to the palace) for an herb garden. So he offers Naboth other land, or money.

3 And Naboth said to Ahab, The LORD forbid it me, that I should give the inheritance of my fathers unto thee.

Naboth decides he can't sell his families inheritance. Apparently the offer wasn't enough because, like, a joo would turn down money.

So Ahab is all sad, cuz he really wants the land, and he tells Jezebel, and she concocts a plan (without telling Ahab).

9 And she wrote in the letters, saying, Proclaim a fast, and set Naboth on high among the people:

10 And set two men, sons of Belial, before him, to bear witness against him, saying, Thou didst blaspheme God and the king. And then carry him out, and stone him, that he may die.

Have a feast in Naboth's honour, and at the end, have 2 men witness against Naboth (remember it takes 2 witnesses for a death penalty conviction).

They had the feast, the witnessed against Naboth, they stoned him, then Ahab got the land.

Then Jesus visits Elijah again saying;

18 Arise, go down to meet Ahab king of Israel, which is in Samaria: behold, he is in the vineyard of Naboth, whither he is gone down to possess it.

19 And thou shalt speak unto him, saying, Thus saith the LORD, Hast thou killed, and also taken possession? And thou shalt speak unto him, saying, Thus saith the LORD, In the place where dogs licked the blood of Naboth shall dogs lick thy blood, even thine.

So Elijah goes and talks to Ahab.

21 Behold, I will bring evil upon thee, and will take away thy posterity, and will cut off from Ahab him that pisseth against the wall, and him that is shut up and left in Israel,

22 And will make thine house like the house of Jeroboam the son of Nebat, and like the house of Baasha the son of Ahijah, for the provocation wherewith thou hast provoked me to anger, and made Israel to sin.

Damn those wall pissers! Remember Jeroboam and Baasha, both of their families (and friends; and casual acquaintances) were killed.

23 And of Jezebel also spake the LORD, saying, The dogs shall eat Jezebel by the wall of Jezreel.

And that bitch Jezebel is gonna die too!

25 But there was none like unto Ahab, which did sell himself to work wickedness in the sight of the LORD, whom Jezebel his wife stirred up.

26 And he did very abominably in following idols, according to all things as did the Amorites, whom the LORD cast out before the children of Israel.

You think those joos Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley were bad, they ain't go NOTHING on Ahab.

27 And it came to pass, when Ahab heard those words, that he rent his clothes, and put sackcloth upon his flesh, and fasted, and lay in sackcloth, and went softly.

Apparently this appeased the LORD and he decides not to kill Ahab, but to put the punishment on Ahab's children.

29 Seest thou how Ahab humbleth himself before me? because he humbleth himself before me, I will not bring the evil in his days: but in his son's days will I bring the evil upon his house.

God (once again) promises punishment on the children for the parent's sins.

1 Kings 22

There was peace between Syria and Israel for 3 years. Then Jehosaphat (king of Judah) goes to talk to Ahab.

He asks Ahab to help him take back a city from Syria.

Ahab calls together his prophets asking if he should help in the battle.

They were all yes men, so of course they said "the LORD will deliver it".

Jehosaphat asks if there are any other prophets than these 400 that they could ask.

Ahab is like, there's one guy Micaiah, but he always says bad prophesies against me, so I don't like him.

They ask the 400 again and they are like "yeah boss, great plan" finally Micaiah arrives.

15 So he came to the king. And the king said unto him, Micaiah, shall we go against Ramothgilead to battle, or shall we forbear? And he answered him, Go, and prosper: for the LORD shall deliver it into the hand of the king.

Ahab is like WTF? you just said it would be good, how come?

Micaich tells the kings about a vision of his.

20 And the LORD said, Who shall persuade Ahab, that he may go up and fall at Ramothgilead? And one said on this manner, and another said on that manner.

21 And there came forth a spirit, and stood before the LORD, and said, I will persuade him.

22 And the LORD said unto him, Wherewith? And he said, I will go forth, and I will be a lying spirit in the mouth of all his prophets. And he said, Thou shalt persuade him, and prevail also: go forth, and do so.

The spirit is going to give visions to the prophets that Ahab will win, when really, he's gonna die.

Then one of the prophets comes up and hits Micaiah, and asks, where was the spirit to tell you that I was gonna hit you???

Micaiah tells the guy that he's gonna die soon.

They finally go out to fight, with Jehosaphat dressed as Ahab, and Ahab dressed as a common charioter. The people of Syria only want to kill Ahab for breaking the promise. When they see that Jehosaphat isn't Ahab, they don't kill him, but some archer guy recognized Ahab and shot him.

35 And the battle increased that day: and the king was stayed up in his chariot against the Syrians, and died at even: and the blood ran out of the wound into the midst of the chariot

They buried him in Samaria, and then dogs licked up the blood from the chariot, just as prophesied, except, that the prophesy was then passed on down to Ahab's children...

Then Ahaziah became king of the Northern Kingdom.

During Jehoshaphat's reign he did lots of good things.

46 And the remnant of the sodomites, which remained in the days of his father Asa, he took out of the land.

Where is he when we need him now?

During Ahaziah's reign, he was a bad man.

52 And he did evil in the sight of the LORD, and walked in the way of his father, and in the way of his mother, and in the way of Jeroboam the son of Nebat, who made Israel to sin:

53 For he served Baal, and worshipped him, and provoked to anger the LORD God of Israel, according to all that his father had done.

Bad Bad Ahaziah!

So what have we learned today?

1. God will feed you with bread and water when you are on the run from an evil queen.
2. Riding the land of queers is one of the things you can do to REALLY garner the LORD's favour. (You'd think those lieburals at Westboro would be a little more fervent in their actions).
3. Sometimes when the LORD decided to pass your judgment onto your children, he puts it on you anyway.


Judges 9:21 And Jotham ran away, and fled, and went to Beer, and dwelt there, for fear of Abimelech his brother.
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