[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

Dating is getting hard these days, what with Obama's persecution of the wealthy causing civilization to collapse. After you've done the nearly-impossible task of finding a good lady, you can't take her to a yacht parade, the movies are all terrible, restaurant service is torture, and even a simple date at the shooting range is going to be killed by gun control (how am I supposed to get into a flow-state when I have to reload more than once every 30 shots?).

Well, it turns out that a fellow well-heeled, pro-faith gentleman (who I may or may not know personally) has found the solution:

Their first date was arranged in April 2005. Cruise took her for a night flight over LA in a helicopter stocked with take-out sushi ...Two weeks later, Holmes had moved in with him and cut off all contact with her friends and representatives. She was shadowed everywhere...

You'll have to hurry though, before Obama's taxageddon renders even a modest outing like that one impossible. Of course, I'd choose a different flightpath and meal, but let's not get hung up on details. The article gave me another idea: why not go to Washington for a lobbying date?

Cruise used his celebrity to lobby Bill Clinton and ex-British Prime Minister Tony Blair in pursuit of tax breaks for the church, which ex-members say has at least $1 billion in holdings.

Such selflessness. The man's life is a living martyrdom to his faith:

For his part, Cruise believes his true aim in life is to convert all nonbelievers into the church... "Look," he said, "I wish the world was a different place. I'd like to go on vacation, and go and romp and play, you know what I mean? But I can't. Because I know. I know. I have to do something about it. You can sit here and wish it was different, but there's that moment where you go, ‘You know, I have to do something. Don't I?'

Edit: Turns out this advice is really only suitable for Gold Tithers and above. Frankly I'm surprised to find that "middle"-class types are also into dating, I thought you'd just take her behind the trailer and rutt among the garden gnomes. Nice to know I'm expanding my knowledge and become a more open-minded person every day.

[WilliamJenningsBryan]

I always thought these Scientologists were a cult, but they might be right about one thing - there probably are aliens on earth; from the planet Kolob. Most people call them mormons, and they came pretty near to capturing the presidency. We'll never know what would have been worse - alien mormons or a Kenyan Marxist Muslim.

[Trent Harvey, Jr.]

Oh great, NOW you tell me.

I was on a first date with a Gold-Tither a while back, and when she said she said "I'm in the mood for some helicoptering" I interpreted it in what turned out to be the wrong way.