[Brother V]

2 Samuel 19-21

Today we get:

• David's triumphant return
• Sheba starts a revolt
• A famine in the land

2 Samuel 19

1 And it was told Joab, Behold, the king weepeth and mourneth for Absalom.

David was still sad about his treasonous son's death.

4 But the king covered his face, and the king cried with a loud voice, O my son Absalom, O Absalom, my son, my son!

David is so melodramatic.

5 And Joab came into the house to the king, and said, Thou hast shamed this day the faces of all thy servants, which this day have saved thy life, and the lives of thy sons and of thy daughters, and the lives of thy wives, and the lives of thy concubines;

6 In that thou lovest thine enemies, and hatest thy friends. For thou hast declared this day, that thou regardest neither princes nor servants: for this day I perceive, that if Absalom had lived, and all we had died this day, then it had pleased thee well.

Joab is rightly pissed that the guy he killed in battle (while hanging helplessly from a tree) is being mourned by his leader. Joab even thinks David would be happier if Absalom were alive and had killed all of David's men instead.

So, Joab talks the king out of his mourning, and into going back to Jerusalem.

David decides to return back, and he sets his nephew Amasa as leader of the army; replacing Joab.

15 So the king returned, and came to Jordan. And Judah came to Gilgal, to go to meet the king, to conduct the king over Jordan.

Long live the king!

16 And Shimei the son of Gera, a Benjamite, which was of Bahurim, hasted and came down with the men of Judah to meet king David.

Wasn't this the same asshole who was cursing David and throwing rocks at him when David was leaving?

19 And said unto the king, Let not my lord impute iniquity unto me, neither do thou remember that which thy servant did perversely the day that my lord the king went out of Jerusalem, that the king should take it to his heart.

20 For thy servant doth know that I have sinned: therefore, behold, I am come the first this day of all the house of Joseph to go down to meet my lord the king.

What an asshat. When David was leaving, Shimei was all big and strong, but when David was returning, he begged for mercy.

Abishai wants to kill him.

23 Therefore the king said unto Shimei, Thou shalt not die. And the king sware unto him.

David pardons him for slander.

24 And Mephibosheth the son of Saul came down to meet the king, and had neither dressed his feet, nor trimmed his beard, nor washed his clothes, from the day the king departed until the day he came again in peace.

Oh look who's next to welcome the king back, it's Jonathan's son Mr. Lame-o!

26 And he answered, My lord, O king, my servant deceived me: for thy servant said, I will saddle me an ass, that I may ride thereon, and go to the king; because thy servant is lame.

27 And he hath slandered thy servant unto my lord the king; but my lord the king is as an angel of God: do therefore what is good in thine eyes.

It wasn't me... it was... my servant who said I wanted to be king, yeah, that's it.

David pardons him, and divides his land in half and gives it to the servant, well, Mr. Cripple says he can have it all.

David later asks an old guy who fed him to go with him, but the guy offers his son instead.

41 And, behold, all the men of Israel came to the king, and said unto the king, Why have our brethren the men of Judah stolen thee away, and have brought the king, and his household, and all David's men with him, over Jordan?

Great, now the entirety of Israel is making up a story about them not wanting David to leave.

2 Samuel 20

1 And there happened to be there a man of Belial, whose name was Sheba, the son of Bichri, a Benjamite: and he blew a trumpet, and said, We have no part in David, neither have we inheritance in the son of Jesse: every man to his tents, O Israel.

Sheba actually has the balls to not welcome the king back.

3 And David came to his house at Jerusalem; and the king took the ten women his concubines, whom he had left to keep the house, and put them in ward, and fed them, but went not in unto them. So they were shut up unto the day of their death, living in widowhood.

David finally makes it home, and he locks up the 10 concubines who slept with Absalom.

4 Then said the king to Amasa, Assemble me the men of Judah within three days, and be thou here present.

Remember, Amasa is the general of the army now, and has replaced Joab.

Well, Amasa didn't make it back in three days, so David sent out the rest of the people.

Joab meets up with him in a bit.

8 When they were at the great stone which is in Gibeon, Amasa went before them. And Joab's garment that he had put on was girded unto him, and upon it a girdle with a sword fastened upon his loins in the sheath thereof; and as he went forth it fell out.

9 And Joab said to Amasa, Art thou in health, my brother? And Joab took Amasa by the beard with the right hand to kiss him.

10 But Amasa took no heed to the sword that was in Joab's hand: so he smote him therewith in the fifth rib, and shed out his bowels to the ground, and struck him not again; and he died. So Joab and Abishai his brother pursued after Sheba the son of Bichri.

Amasa wore Joab's girdle, the one that showed he was general. Well, it didn't fit. So Joab kills him. Add another person to Joab's death total.

Joab and the army finally make it to the city where Sheba was holed up in, and they start to tear down the wall.

This pisses off some old lady.

19 I am one of them that are peaceable and faithful in Israel: thou seekest to destroy a city and a mother in Israel: why wilt thou swallow up the inheritance of the LORD?

Joab's like, hey lady, we are just here for Sheba.

21 The matter is not so: but a man of mount Ephraim, Sheba the son of Bichri by name, hath lifted up his hand against the king, even against David: deliver him only, and I will depart from the city. And the woman said unto Joab, Behold, his head shall be thrown to thee over the wall.

So the woman goes into town, talks to the elders, and summarily throws Sheba's head to Joab.

Joab then returns to Jerusalem, leader of the army.

2 Samuel 21

1 Then there was a famine in the days of David three years, year after year; and David enquired of the LORD. And the LORD answered, It is for Saul, and for his bloody house, because he slew the Gibeonites.

So David asks God how to stop the famine, and God says he has to appease the Gibeonites.

4 And the Gibeonites said unto him, We will have no silver nor gold of Saul, nor of his house; neither for us shalt thou kill any man in Israel. And he said, What ye shall say, that will I do for you.

So he can't pay them off with cash.

6 Let seven men of his sons be delivered unto us, and we will hang them up unto the LORD in Gibeah of Saul, whom the LORD did choose. And the king said, I will give them.

Crap, are there still 7 descendants of Saul?

7 But the king spared Mephibosheth, the son of Jonathan the son of Saul, because of the LORD's oath that was between them, between David and Jonathan the son of Saul.

Well, apparently there's at least 8.

8 But the king took the two sons of Rizpah the daughter of Aiah, whom she bare unto Saul, Armoni and Mephibosheth; and the five sons of Michal the daughter of Saul, whom she brought up for Adriel the son of Barzillai the Meholathite:

David gave up two from Rizpah, and the remaining 5 he took from his wife, those would be his step-sons.

9 And he delivered them into the hands of the Gibeonites, and they hanged them in the hill before the LORD: and they fell all seven together, and were put to death in the days of harvest, in the first days, in the beginning of barley harvest.

So, they all died.

David has someone get Saul's bones, and Jonathan's bones, and he buries them with the other 7.

14 And the bones of Saul and Jonathan his son buried they in the country of Benjamin in Zelah, in the sepulchre of Kish his father: and they performed all that the king commanded. And after that God was intreated for the land.

God is pacified for the Gibeonites.

15 Moreover the Philistines had yet war again with Israel; and David went down, and his servants with him, and fought against the Philistines: and David waxed faint.

David is getting old, he can't fight like he used to.

Then David has the remaining brothers of Goliath killed.

So what have we learned today?

1. Absalom is the only person who David mourned in death, everyone else, he got over kind of quickly.
2. If your ho's sleep with your son, they need to be put away.
3. If you leave in shame, and come back in victory, people who threw rocks at you will royally kiss your ass upon your return.

YIC
V

[Ahimaaz Smith]

GLORY! Another rousing exposition of the Word!

And there was again a battle in Gob with the Philistines, where Elhanan the son of Jaareoregim, a Bethlehemite, slew the brother of Goliath the Gittite, the staff of whose spear was like a weaver's beam. 2 Samuel 21:19

An interesting note on this verse: All known Hebrew texts say that Elhanan slew Goliath, not Goliath's brother:

וַתְּהִי־עֹ֧וד הַמִּלְחָמָ֛ה בְּגֹ֖וב עִם־פְּלִשְׁתִּ֑ים וַיַּ֡ךְ אֶלְחָנָן֩ בֶּן־יַעְרֵי֙ אֹרְגִ֜ים בֵּ֣ית הַלַּחְמִ֗י אֵ֚ת גָּלְיָ֣ת הַגִּתִּ֔י וְעֵ֣ץ חֲנִיתֹ֔ו כִּמְנֹ֖ור אֹרְגִֽים׃

Of course, Elhanan the son of Jaareoregim could not have slain Goliath, since David had already done that in 1 Samuel 17:49-50. The translators of the King James inserted the words "the brother of" to clarify. This proves that (a) the KJV1611 version was truly inspired by God as an inerrant and definitive rendition of the Holy Word and (b) you just can't trust a Jew to tell the truth.

[Pastor Billy-Reuben]

Originally Posted by Ahimaaz Smith

This proves that the KJV1611 version was truly inspired by God as an inerrant and definitive rendition of the Holy Word.

Amen, Brother.

I looked at the American Standard Version (ASV), Amplified Bible, Bible in Basic English (BBE), Contemporary English Version, Douay-Rheims, Darby Translation, English Revised Version (ERV), God's Word Translation, Holman Christian Standard Bible, Jewish Publication Society Tanakh, The Message, New American Standard Bible (NASB), New Century Version, New International Version (NIV), and the New Life Version.

They all tell you in 1 Samuel 17:49-50 that David killed Goliath, then contradict themselves and tell you in 2 Samuel 21:19 that Elhanan killed Goliath, and finally contradict themselves again and tell you in 1 Chronicles 20:5 that Elhanan killed Goliath's brother.

Most of these blasphemous translations go so far as to hang a footnote on 2 Samuel 21:19 to call attention to their introduced contradiction just in case the reader hadn't noticed it, in an attempt to cause the reader to doubt God's Word.

Whenever some lame-brained liberal Christian claims that the Bible isn't reliable because it is "full of contradictions", you can be sure that he isn't studying the real Bible, the KJV.

Pastor Billy-Reuben