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Default WWJD: What Would Jesus Drive? - 01-09-2008, 07:09 PM

I'm looking into getting yet another Godly SUV (the vehicle, not the church member ) and, in the interest of staying Godly in absolutely every way, what Jesus would drive? Please back up your answers with Scripture. Sinners need not reply because you wouldn't know God if he smited you (which he is likely to do).

Yours in Christ,

Andrew Barrick
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Default Re: WWJD: What Would Jesus Drive? - 01-09-2008, 07:18 PM

Stupid Boy!

God has no need of a car.
Didn't you know, he's everywhere anyway! Why does he need to drive from A-B?



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HE took the damsel by the hand, and said unto her, Talitha Cumi; which is,
being interpreted, Damsel, I say unto thee, arise!...Mark 5:41



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Default Re: WWJD: What Would Jesus Drive? - 01-09-2008, 07:22 PM

Sister Talitha,

With your having that horrible condition of being a woman, I can see why you wouldn't understand. It was a hy-po-thet-ical question. That means, in this case, that if Jesus did need to drive, what would he drive? See?
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Default Re: WWJD: What Would Jesus Drive? - 01-09-2008, 07:28 PM

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Originally Posted by Andrew Barrick View Post
Sister Talitha,

With your having that horrible condition of being a woman, I can see why you wouldn't understand. It was a hy-po-thet-ical question. That means, in this case, that if Jesus did need to drive, what would he drive? See?
Oh I see!!
Why didn't you explain it was a pathetic-all question in the first place?
I shall have to go away and think about that one. I usually have more important things to do like Pie making or visiting the Nail Parlor.



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HE took the damsel by the hand, and said unto her, Talitha Cumi; which is,
being interpreted, Damsel, I say unto thee, arise!...Mark 5:41



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Default Re: WWJD: What Would Jesus Drive? - 01-09-2008, 08:20 PM

A very good idea. Stick to things at which you are qualified.
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Default Re: WWJD: What Would Jesus Drive? - 01-09-2008, 08:35 PM

Mr. Barrick, I believe your question is answered adequately here, in an inspirational video referenced some time ago by Pastor Pistle.
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Default Re: WWJD: What Would Jesus Drive? - 01-09-2008, 08:59 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by JennyD View Post
Mr. Barrick, I believe your question is answered adequately here, in an inspirational video referenced some time ago by Pastor Pistle.
Well PRAISE YOU Sister Jenny. Young Brother Andrew was probably too busy doing the kind of things Boys of his age do instead of researching the finer details.
A good job a LOL (Lady of Landover) was here to take him in hand.



Sister Talitha

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HE took the damsel by the hand, and said unto her, Talitha Cumi; which is,
being interpreted, Damsel, I say unto thee, arise!...Mark 5:41



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Default Re: WWJD: What Would Jesus Drive? - 01-09-2008, 09:31 PM

What Jesus would drive is well documented, but I don't think you want one...

[8]


"They shall take up serpents; and if they drink any deadly thing, it shall not hurt them; they shall lay hands on the sick, and they shall recover." Mark 16
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Default Re: WWJD: What Would Jesus Drive? - 01-10-2008, 12:49 AM

Well if the Lord wanted a vehicle, I think he would go for a Hummer. Personly I have a Dodge Caravan I have to haul around alot of folks sometimes and I am short so when driving I can see the road better.
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Default Re: WWJD: What Would Jesus Drive? - 01-10-2008, 03:58 AM

Dodge Stratus?
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Default Re: WWJD: What Would Jesus Drive? - 01-10-2008, 07:56 AM

Just to sidetrack a little bit, I think that if Jesus were able to BUILD HIS OWN CAR it would probably be something called an Alfa Omega SUV 'Messiah". This car would have a 15 liter V24 engine, capable of 5000hp, and be able to outrun jet fighters. It would also be capable of flight and would carry nuclear armaments.
It would be completely undetectable by radar, and could withstand a direct hit by any man made weapon or even a meteor strike.
It would also be fitted with a passenger side ejector seat if Jesus got pissed off with some passenger, like Judas or Tom Cruise and he'd never run out of petrol.
When Jesus took it for a fly/drive he'd do KJV bible-drops into the Occupied Heathen lands and be able to deliver loaves and fishes to trapped civilians in airlift rescue operations.
Jesus would never ever get road rage or change lanes without indicating , and he'd never get lost or stuck in traffic jams. He'd never get a flat tyre neither. Jesus would always get green lights.
Jesus' car would have heated vibrating sheepskin seat covers, a pumping stereo and air con that worked, and he'd get it washed and polished for free whenever he wanted.
Jesus would never hit animals on the road, but if he did, he'd stop and make them come back to life again.
If Jesus built a car, he'd always get a parking spot, right near where he wanted to go .
Any girl that sat in Jesus' back seat would instantly conceive without him even having to stop driving, and if Jesus' car ever got impounded , after 3 days it would be released with a full apology and a full tank of gas.
Jesus would be able to drive through toll gates and they'd give him money instead.
Anyone that tried to drag race Jesus would burn alive instantly when they finished.
Jesus WOULD NOT brake for Catholics. Or Mooselimbs.


The devil, whose business is to pervert the truth, mimics the exact circumstance of the Divine Sacraments. He baptises his believers and promises forgiveness of sins...he celebrates the oblation of bread, and brings in the symbol of the resurrection. Let us therefore acknowledge the craftiness of the devil, who copied certain things of those that be divine."
Tertullian (155-222 AD) from The Prescription Against Heretics' Ch XL
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Default Re: WWJD: What Would Jesus Drive? - 01-10-2008, 11:33 AM

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Originally Posted by Brother Guy View Post
Just to sidetrack a little bit, I think that if Jesus were able to BUILD HIS OWN CAR it would probably be something called an Alfa Omega SUV 'Messiah".
Thanks for that information Brother Guy. It all sounds plausible.

One little question: would it be an automatic, a manual six-speed, or a robot-assisted automatic? Would He have a driver controlled centre diff, or would it be a programmable ECU assisted one? Would He be able to go sideways for hours on end? Would He ever suffer from Lift Off Oversteer (LOO) ? What would His Time be on Watkins Glenn or Suzuka? Would He ever do Holy Burnouts? Would He care about climate change or would He suffer no CO2 emissions at all?

OK, that's more than one question technically, but I got carried away.


And Joshua said, Hereby ye shall know that the living God is among you, and that he will without fail drive out from before you the Canaanites, and the Hittites, and the Hivites, and the Perizzites, and the Girgashites, and the Amorites, and the Jebusites.
Joshua 3:10


Psalm 81:10:
I am the LORD thy God, which brought thee out of the land of Egypt:
open thy mouth wide, and I will fill it.
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Default Re: WWJD: What Would Jesus Drive? - 01-10-2008, 05:17 PM

His Noodliness of course favours interesting posts. Pity this isn't one.


Touched by his noodly appendage

Last edited by Brother Temperance; 01-10-2008 at 05:22 PM. Reason: Poster still hasn't quite perfected the art of this "thinking" business
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Default Re: WWJD: What Would Jesus Drive? - 01-10-2008, 05:23 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Wide-Open View Post
Would He care about climate change or would He suffer no CO2 emissions at all?
Neither. What interests me more is the question of what would happen if He crashed head-on into an iron chariot.


O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it--for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen.


God being truth, justice, goodness, beauty, power, and life, man is falsehood, iniquity, evil, ugliness, impotence, and death. God being master, man is the slave. Incapable of finding justice, truth, and eternal life by his own effort, he can attain them only through a divine revelation... he who desires to worship God must harbor no childish illusions about the matter, but bravely renounce his liberty and humanity.
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Default Re: WWJD: What Would Jesus Drive? - 01-10-2008, 05:27 PM

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Originally Posted by Brother Temperance View Post
Neither. What interests me more is the question of what would happen if He crashed head-on into an iron chariot.
Prepare to face the wrath of his noodliness >=[!


Touched by his noodly appendage
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Default Re: WWJD: What Would Jesus Drive? - 01-10-2008, 06:15 PM

Jesus wouldnt be seen DEAD in an AUTOMATIC. STRICTLY STICK SHIFT. Automatics are for chicks. Jesus would scorn Fuel injection, be supercharged, and go for massive 4 barrel carbys with K&N air filters and he'd have a LUMPY CAMSHAFT. Jesus would have Nitrous injection too, all the time and A TWIN TURBO.
Any car Jesus drove would have a Ford 9" diff. Period.
Jesus would be able to Drive from coast to coast drifting the entire way. and able to pick up chicks with the tyres still spinning, smoking and squealing. Jesus would always run on slicks, even in the wet and he'd never get bogged when he went OFFROAD.
Just like Jesus, the car would never suffer from oversteer, understeer or any type of handling problem, and if he was ever asked to do time trials at suzuka, or Nurburgring or he'd say "Tempt me not Satan, begone!" but you just KNOW that if he DID do a TIME TRIAL he'd get the fastest ever qualifying time in the history of motor sport. And thats in a SUV!
In Jesus garage, he'd have A TEAM OF ANGELS AS HIS PIT CREW and he'd get new tyres and fuel faster than Dale Earnhardt, Ayrton Senna and Michael Andretti put together. Mechanical repairs would be fixed with just a wave of his hand and he could turn water into petrol, or even AVGAS.
If Jesus raced against you you could only ever win silver, but you'd get to stand next to him on the winners podium FOR EVER and he'd lift your hand up too when he waved to the crowd. Jesus would never need to PEE IN HIS RACE SUIT.
Jesus would only have LYNYRD SKYNYRD AND BUCKCHERRY cds in his 2000 stacker cd player that also played mp3s, and you would be able to hear all the words to the songs OVER THE NOISE OF THE MOTOR, AND SQUEALING TYRES even when he hit the NITROUS.
If Jesus took his SUV off-road for a holiday, he'd have enough room for all his friends and their bags too, and his fishing boat wouldnt even need a motor, and they'd all catch all the fish they wanted and it would never rain on Jesus' holidays, EXCEPT ON THE LAST DAY AFTER THEY HAD PACKED UP THEIR TENTS and they were already driving home.
I'd love to go camping with Jesus. And Hunting too - but Jesus might shoot everything before you had a chance to, so I'm not too sure about that. He'd probably let you bag a few of your own, but he'd get to shoot the BIGGEST GODDAMN GRIZZLY EVER and also THE BIGGEST MOOSE, and his Hunting Lodge WOULD ALWAYS HAVE FOOD AND FIREWOOD AND THE ROOF WOULDN'T LEAK AND THERE'D BE NO POSSUMS OR RACCONS LIVING IN IT WHEN HE BROUGHT HIS FRIENDS AROUND. Jesus hunting lodge would also have CABLE TV.
Who wouldn't want to be Jesus' friend with all that cool stuff?


The devil, whose business is to pervert the truth, mimics the exact circumstance of the Divine Sacraments. He baptises his believers and promises forgiveness of sins...he celebrates the oblation of bread, and brings in the symbol of the resurrection. Let us therefore acknowledge the craftiness of the devil, who copied certain things of those that be divine."
Tertullian (155-222 AD) from The Prescription Against Heretics' Ch XL
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Default Re: WWJD: What Would Jesus Drive? - 01-10-2008, 06:20 PM

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Who wouldn't want to be Jesus' friend with all that cool stuff?
Amen to that Brother Guy! There wouldn't be a heretic or heathen left on earth if that were the case. But then we'd have people becoming Christians for all the wrong reasons and there would be more false Christians than we have now. It's still nice to dream though...
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Default Re: WWJD: What Would Jesus Drive? - 01-20-2008, 01:18 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Brother Guy View Post
If Jesus raced against you you could only ever win silver, but you'd get to stand next to him on the winners podium FOR EVER and he'd lift your hand up too when he waved to the crowd. Jesus would never need to PEE IN HIS RACE SUIT.
Good point. As Our Lord and Saviour, Jesus would certainly never fall in love with a space shuttle pilot and drive from Texas to Florida to kidnap a love rival, but if for some implausible reason He did, He could certainly make the entire journey in one go without needing a nappy.


O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it--for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen.


God being truth, justice, goodness, beauty, power, and life, man is falsehood, iniquity, evil, ugliness, impotence, and death. God being master, man is the slave. Incapable of finding justice, truth, and eternal life by his own effort, he can attain them only through a divine revelation... he who desires to worship God must harbor no childish illusions about the matter, but bravely renounce his liberty and humanity.
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