General Church Fellowship A place for True Christians to join in praise, faith and fellowship. |
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Petite pearl of Baptist womanhood
True Christian™
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Posts: 6,686
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Woodlawn Drive, Freehold, USA USA USA
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Re: Have You started collecting stones? -
06-17-2010, 07:18 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Brother Alex
I have already hired a group of Poles to bring me all the obsidian they can find on this depraved little island...we could also make souvenirs engraved with some inspirational Bible quotes.
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These are beautiful! I wonder if we could assign carving them to the patients in Quarantine. It could be good therapy, and really help them concentrate on the Scriptures.
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True Christian™ Creation Cosmologist Strong in Spirit and Filled With Christ's Wisdom A Greater Genius Than Einstein, Hawking, and Sagan Combined
True Christian™
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Posts: 860
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Freehold, Iowa
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Re: Have You started collecting stones? -
06-17-2010, 07:36 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mistress Cookie
These are beautiful! I wonder if we could assign carving them to the patients in Quarantine. It could be good therapy, and really help them concentrate on the Scriptures.
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What a wonderful idea, Sister. I bet that would bring a lot of joy to the patients and help them truly understand the ways of the Lord.
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#63 on Forbes'...but #1 in Jesus's Heart
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Posts: 6,234
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Freehold, Ia
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Re: Have You started collecting stones? -
06-17-2010, 11:29 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Brother Alex
I got your message, Brother. I have already hired a group of Poles to bring me all the obsidian they can find on this depraved little island. We could make a fortune from this. Not only are these stones perfectly fit for stoning, but we could also make souvenirs engraved with some inspirational Bible quotes...
I also got a pile of lava stones in my backyard. They're great for stoning due to their rough surface. I use them myself when me and my children gather together to stone my wife. She barely speaks anymore and keeps all her focus on cooking and cleaning, just like a True Christian™ woman should do.
I'll bring some samples when I get to Freehold, then we could make some arrangements for shipping the rest of the stones overseas. Tell me what you think.
- Alex
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I have dispatched a freighter to Iceland have 400 tons of obsidian and 200 ton of lava rocks ready for loading. Will arrive 06/24/2010 Iceland, back to New York 07/1/2010, Freehold 07/05/2010. Also have 3500 stones polished and engraved, Will ship them Via Air Transport. many thanks James.
Quote:
Originally Posted by aim for heaven
How absolutely wonderful I guess I really should be talking with Brother James about his Iceland Idea.And the dated business plan I had written and notarized and copy sent to my silent business partner in Freehold,who is to be named later if the absolute need arises.
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Relax Brother, You said you could not cover the initial expense, I can. I told you I will catch you on the back side, here is the lay out. After all expenses are paid out 50% of clear profit to Pastor Ezekiel/LBC. 10% to Brother Hutchins(Trucking) 10% to Brother Fred( Shipping) 10% to you and 20% to me, after all I am paying the bills and taking all the heat from the Government on inspections. If you want more of a cut, I guess I can take it from Jesus
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Putting the "stud" back in Bible Study
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Posts: 79,909
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Freehold, Iowa
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Re: Have You started collecting stones? -
06-17-2010, 11:32 PM
I've heard the best stones come from the Holy Land.
I suppose the joos have them all locked up by now, huh?
Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:
Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)
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#63 on Forbes'...but #1 in Jesus's Heart
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Posts: 6,234
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Freehold, Ia
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Re: Have You started collecting stones? -
06-17-2010, 11:51 PM
Brothers and Sister I am pleased to unveil the most recent advance in stoning capabilities. We have gone through many hours of research and development(A big shout out to the fellas at the creation lab and the R&D team at Landover University) The design of this modern stone chucking device was created with the elderly, surgically impaired and weak females in mind. Initial tests showed that with hair spray as the propellant a speed of 450ft per second could be achieved with the common tennis ball. We ramped it up with the use of acetylene as a propellant. We found that we could achieve a speed a of 650ft per second with a rock weighing 1.755 lbs.
Brothers and Sisters I present you the Landover Stonier model 2010. I have ordered 150 to start with. Call or Pm me for cost and shipping info. James Dewitt
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#63 on Forbes'...but #1 in Jesus's Heart
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Posts: 6,234
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Freehold, Ia
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Re: Have You started collecting stones? -
06-17-2010, 11:56 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel
I've heard the best stones come from the Holy Land.
I suppose the joos have them all locked up by now, huh?
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I was saving this for a surprise, I have arranged for a shipment of rocks form the Holy land. Hold on to your seats. They will come from a mountain, yes a very special mountain. Mt Sinai, yes indeed 25 tons are being air shipped as we speak. The rocks form the Holy Mountain will be auctioned off in lots of 10 lbs. All proceeds will go to the Pastors fund. Praises Jesus, Can I get a Amen .
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GALS 4 GOD Guidance Counseler Expert at baking, sewing, and rebuking unsaved scum
True Christian™
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Posts: 2,619
Join Date: May 2010
Location: At all times between Genesis and Revelation
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Re: Have You started collecting stones? -
06-18-2010, 12:10 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by James Dewitt
I was saving this for a surprise, I have arranged for a shipment of rocks form the Holy land. Hold on to your seats. They will come from a mountain, yes a very special mountain. Mt Sinai, yes indeed 25 tons are being air shipped as we speak. The rocks form the Holy Mountain will be auctioned off in lots of 10 lbs. All proceeds will go to the Pastors fund. Praises Jesus, Can I get a Amen .
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You can get an Amen as well as a Praise the Lord!
Jingies!! This is very exciting news Brother. I would be beside myself, -if of course Jesus was not there always!
I would ask how you managed this, but God does work in mysterious ways, so I am content with that as explanation.
Gosh, how exciting!!
YIC,
Mrs.P.Wintersnow
There's Jesus here,
Just see what He offers me....
Down here my sins forgiven,
Up there a home in heaven
Praise God, That's the way for me!!
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Mayor of Freehold
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Posts: 12,118
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: City Hall, Freehold, Iowa
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Re: Have You started collecting stones? -
06-18-2010, 12:11 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by James Dewitt
I was saving this for a surprise, I have arranged for a shipment of rocks form the Holy land. Hold on to your seats. They will come from a mountain, yes a very special mountain. Mt Sinai, yes indeed 25 tons are being air shipped as we speak. The rocks form the Holy Mountain will be auctioned off in lots of 10 lbs. All proceeds will go to the Pastors fund. Praises Jesus, Can I get a Amen .
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AMEN, Brother, Amen. Thank you for all the great work you are doing.
I get a little emotional thinking about these ancient stones. They very well may be the same stone used to stone kill evil people during the time of Jesus. Praise.
Isaiah 24:1-3 Behold, the LORD maketh the earth empty (2)...as the taker of usury, so with the giver of usury to him. (3) The land shall be utterly emptied, and utterly spoiled: for the LORD hath spoken his word.
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GALS 4 GOD Guidance Counseler Expert at baking, sewing, and rebuking unsaved scum
True Christian™
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Posts: 2,619
Join Date: May 2010
Location: At all times between Genesis and Revelation
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Re: Have You started collecting stones? -
06-18-2010, 12:20 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by James Dewitt
Brothers and Sister I am pleased to unveil the most recent advance in stoning capabilities. We have gone through many hours of research and development(A big shout out to the fellas at the creation lab and the R&D team at Landover University) The design of this modern stone chucking device was created with the elderly, surgically impaired and weak females in mind. Initial tests showed that with hair spray as the propellant a speed of 450ft per second could be achieved with the common tennis ball. We ramped it up with the use of acetylene as a propellant. We found that we could achieve a speed a of 650ft per second with a rock weighing 1.755 lbs.
Brothers and Sisters I present you the Landover Stonier model 2010. I have ordered 150 to start with. Call or Pm me for cost and shipping info. James Dewitt
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It is a mighty piece of equipment there, Brother James, but gosh, I just hope that the homers (prior to being stoned) don't eye it off as a means for their debauched sexual gratification.
It will be out of site from them until necessary I hope.
YIC,
Mrs.P.Wintersnow.
There's Jesus here,
Just see what He offers me....
Down here my sins forgiven,
Up there a home in heaven
Praise God, That's the way for me!!
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#63 on Forbes'...but #1 in Jesus's Heart
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Posts: 6,234
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Freehold, Ia
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Re: Have You started collecting stones? -
06-18-2010, 12:27 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mrs. P Wintersnow
It is a mighty piece of equipment there, Brother James, but gosh, I just hope that the homers (prior to being stoned) don't eye it off as a means for their debauched sexual gratification.
It will be out of site from them until necessary I hope.
YIC,
Mrs.P.Wintersnow.
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Sister that might happen with the first Homerexural, I can assure you it wont with the second. I fired it at a brick wall from 50 feet, it broke 3 bricks and took the windshield out of a white Cadillac Escalade that was parked 200 feet behind the wall. I sure wish I knew who owned that Cadillac.
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True Christian™ Just a Regular Nice Guy
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Posts: 29,835
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Between Lynchburg and Walton's Mountain
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Re: Have You started collecting stones? -
06-18-2010, 01:24 AM
Brother Dewitt. I do not need any funds whatsoever. I am able to bill Salem Nuclear, Hsaliburton and BP Exploration for the transport fees along with a handsome profit, 50% of which is going to the Landover Pastorsd General Use Fund, looks like the Pastors Retreat house will be getting that indoor Olympic sized Volcanic Ash Mud pool well before the fall after all.
Though some special arrangements with some gook people, I am going to have the place built entirely out of teak and pegs, not a single nail. Will be bringing a container or two of these craftsmen over. When they finish the 20 acre pool pavillion, they will be work9ing on my lieetle 20,000 sqft 'getaway shaque' as the missus calls it.
Isaiah 45:7 I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the LORD do all these things.
Amos 3:6 Shall a trumpet be blown in the city, and the people not be afraid? shall there be evil in a city, and the LORD hath not done it?
Numbers 21:6 And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died.
Matthew 10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
Matthew 10:35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
Matthew 10:36 And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.
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True Christian™ Creation Cosmologist Strong in Spirit and Filled With Christ's Wisdom A Greater Genius Than Einstein, Hawking, and Sagan Combined
True Christian™
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Posts: 860
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Freehold, Iowa
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Re: Have You started collecting stones? -
06-18-2010, 03:13 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by James Dewitt
Relax Brother, You said you could not cover the initial expense, I can. I told you I will catch you on the back side, here is the lay out. After all expenses are paid out 50% of clear profit to Pastor Ezekiel/LBC. 10% to Brother Hutchins(Trucking) 10% to Brother Fred( Shipping) 10% to you and 20% to me, after all I am paying the bills and taking all the heat from the Government on inspections. If you want more of a cut, I guess I can take it from Jesus
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Well, that won't be until you've bought the stones from me for a reasonable price. 50% of the profit will go to Pastor Ezekiel/LBC and the rest goes to me. After that you can sell them for as much as you like, but just make sure Pastor Ezekiel/LBC gets 50% of that profit too. That way everybody can be happy, especially Jesus and the Landover Baptist Church. So, what do you say, Brother?
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Pastor of Hermeneutics and Apologetics Bathed in Christ's Precious Blood Apostle to the Cactuses, Tumbleweeds and Jackrabbits
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Posts: 14,181
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: With my nose stuck in the Bible.
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Re: Have You started collecting stones? -
06-18-2010, 07:01 AM
I read a book on muzzie stoning techniques. (Don't ask)
I appears the worse the crime, the smaller the stones. The more you wish to prolong the screaming agony of your victim effigy buried up to the neck, the smaller the rocks you use. You generally let the kids go first for the worst offenders.
If it's something more minor, you use a large boulder directly applied to the head.
I wonder if we could rank the prolongation of the non-existent stoning with the crime.
Christians are superior because we possess an understanding that unbelievers lack. It is through the Power of Jesus only the converted mind is able to understand what is going on in the world; what the Communists are really up to; what Satan's intentions are. Most unbelievers do not even believe in Satan and cannot understand his tactics.
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#63 on Forbes'...but #1 in Jesus's Heart
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Posts: 6,234
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Freehold, Ia
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Re: Have You started collecting stones? -
06-18-2010, 07:50 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Brother Alex
Well, that won't be until you've bought the stones from me for a reasonable price. 50% of the profit will go to Pastor Ezekiel/LBC and the rest goes to me. After that you can sell them for as much as you like, but just make sure Pastor Ezekiel/LBC gets 50% of that profit too. That way everybody can be happy, especially Jesus and the Landover Baptist Church. So, what do you say, Brother?
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Or I can pay you for your asking price, and then give you 10% of the profit after resale mark up(YOU get paid twice)
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True Christian™
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Posts: 1,424
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: In the sky
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Re: Have You started collecting stones? -
06-18-2010, 07:51 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by James Dewitt
Relax Brother, You said you could not cover the initial expense, I can. I told you I will catch you on the back side, here is the lay out. After all expenses are paid out 50% of clear profit to Pastor Ezekiel/LBC. 10% to Brother Hutchins(Trucking) 10% to Brother Fred( Shipping) 10% to you and 20% to me, after all I am paying the bills and taking all the heat from the Government on inspections. If you want more of a cut, I guess I can take it from Jesus
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Wait, where is my share? I put up my land available for the festival.
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#63 on Forbes'...but #1 in Jesus's Heart
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Posts: 6,234
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Freehold, Ia
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Re: Have You started collecting stones? -
06-18-2010, 12:36 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dirk
Wait, where is my share? I put up my land available for the festival.
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Brother Dirk, WE have 5000 special rocks coming in from Sierra Leone. They will be in the same shipment but require some further refinement in New York. WE got a bloody good deal on them.
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Predestinated Servant of Jesus Christ by the Will of God True Christian™ Theologian
True Christian™
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Posts: 4,420
Join Date: Sep 2006
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Re: Have You started collecting stones? -
06-18-2010, 04:21 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Levi Jones
I read a book on muzzie stoning techniques. (Don't ask)
I appears the worse the crime, the smaller the stones. The more you wish to prolong the screaming agony of your victim effigy buried up to the neck, the smaller the rocks you use. You generally let the kids go first for the worst offenders.
If it's something more minor, you use a large boulder directly applied to the head.
I wonder if we could rank the prolongation of the non-existent stoning with the crime.
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This is quite excellent advice -- wherever it came from -- although I see one little problem. For a criminal as heinous as, oh, the usual DEMONcrat, we'd logically want to stone them with... fish gravel? Not too sure about that.
I loved Newt before Newt was invincible
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Petite pearl of Baptist womanhood
True Christian™
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Posts: 6,686
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Woodlawn Drive, Freehold, USA USA USA
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Re: Have You started collecting stones? -
06-18-2010, 04:33 PM
So that everyone can participate, I wonder if we should make some arrangement where Tin Tithers and some of the elderly (who don't have real cash flow at the moment) can sign over their houses to the Church, in exchange for Mt Sinai / Holy Land stones.
We don't want them to be embarrassed by having to use plain old river rocks when the rest of the congregation has the "holy" stones.
I spoke to Widow Florence and Widow Sharon, and they're ready to sign up, if the Pastors can arrange it.
It's so wonderful to be able to reach out to these poor old souls!
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True Christian™
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Posts: 1,424
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: In the sky
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Re: Have You started collecting stones? -
06-18-2010, 04:58 PM
Update regarding the Freehold Summer Stoning Festival
There is no fee since it is paid for by our Lord. There will be a BBQ after the festival ends.
Pastor Zeke had plans to make the BBQ coincide with the Annual Endangere Species Dinner, more information on the BBQ will follow soon!
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True Christian™ Creation Cosmologist Strong in Spirit and Filled With Christ's Wisdom A Greater Genius Than Einstein, Hawking, and Sagan Combined
True Christian™
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Posts: 860
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Freehold, Iowa
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Re: Have You started collecting stones? -
06-18-2010, 05:30 PM
Praise Jesus!
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