Go Back   The Landover Baptist Church Forum > Church Forums > Valentine's Day, AKA Treason Season!
Reload this Page Last Febuary 14th...
Valentine's Day, AKA Treason Season! Where we discuss the evils of this pagan holiday.

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
(#1)
Old
Rev. Wendell Wooke's Avatar
Rev. Wendell Wooke Rev. Wendell Wooke is offline
Confirmed Enemy of God
BANNED from Landover -- Aeternal Damnation Assured
 
Posts: 4
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: The Greatest Country on Earth
Rev. Wendell Wooke is under investigation -- suspected to be Unsaved Trash.
Default Last Febuary 14th... - 01-17-2009, 03:00 PM

Our Sunday services were over and I was shaking hands with an attractive lady parishoner--using my two-handed "Pastor Pump" Hand Shake© --when she mentioned that it was close to Valentine's Day and asked me if I "had a heart on."

That night I awoke at 3 AM drenched in sweat and crying out for the Lord.
Reply With Quote
(#2)
Old
Ezekiel Bathfire's Avatar
Ezekiel Bathfire Ezekiel Bathfire is offline
Pastor for Diversity and Tolerance
Christ's Rottweiler
 

One Year/1000 posts Saved 1 Year 1st Year Bible College 2nd Year Bible College 3rd Year Bible College 4th Year Bible College True Christian™ The Al E. Pistle Award for Excellence in Rebuking Christian Love Real American™ Tithing Manager Heaven Bound Protected by JESUS True Scientist™ Pastor of GOD Ex-Masturbator Super Soaker Baptism Award Ready for the Rapture True Christian Caucasian Senior Pastor Teabag Patriot TC Bravery Friend of Jesus Flat Earth Tell her once Persecuted Porn Resistant The Hatchet Child Rearing Award Ex-Brit Eats the Most Pork True Republican Ex-eurotrash Batman Shooting Survivor Loves a GODLY Chic-Fil-A Guns, Guts and GLORY! Proud Niglet Sponsorer Kirk Cameron Fan Club Nuts for JESUS! Prayer Warrior Touched by Jesus Stamp of Approval Rick Perry's Niggerhead Ranch Mower Donald Trump 2016! Anti-sodomy Pastor Ezekiel Aardvark Bathfire Crown of Life Alternative Facts Probing for Jesus 20,000 posts Saved 10 Years Proud TP Rebuker for Christ Anti-Biden

 
Posts: 22,268
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Toiling selflessly towards Salvation
Ezekiel Bathfire will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Ezekiel Bathfire will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Ezekiel Bathfire will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Ezekiel Bathfire will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Ezekiel Bathfire will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Ezekiel Bathfire will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Ezekiel Bathfire will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Ezekiel Bathfire will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Ezekiel Bathfire will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Ezekiel Bathfire will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Ezekiel Bathfire will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: Last Febuary 14th... - 01-17-2009, 03:18 PM

You do not tell us the age and status of the parishioner, nor your own age and marital status. Neither do you mention if the “heart” of which she spoke is some sort of graven image or a button of some sort, nor do you state where her eyes were cast at the moment of her utterance.

I am going to assume that she is single, a virgin, is not above 30 years of age and is of solid Christian lineage. If this is so, she is clearly in urgent need of your personal attention that will lead to a prolonged and forceful ministering to rid her of the associations of the 14th of February.

Do not flinch from your task, take strength in The Lord and recall that Christ never said that it would be an easy path.





“We must reassert that the essence of Christianity is the love of obedience to God’s Laws and that how that complete obedience is used or implemented does not concern us.”

Author of such illuminating essays as,
Map of the Known World; Periodic Table of Elements; The History of Linguistics; The Errors of Wicca; Dolphins and Evolution; The History of Landover (The Apology); Landover and the Civil War; 2000 Racial Slurs.
Reply With Quote
(#3)
Old
Rev. Wendell Wooke's Avatar
Rev. Wendell Wooke Rev. Wendell Wooke is offline
Confirmed Enemy of God
BANNED from Landover -- Aeternal Damnation Assured
 
Posts: 4
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: The Greatest Country on Earth
Rev. Wendell Wooke is under investigation -- suspected to be Unsaved Trash.
Default Re: Last Febuary 14th... - 01-17-2009, 04:17 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ezekiel Bathfire View Post
You do not tell us the age and status of the parishioner, nor your own age and marital status. Neither do you mention if the “heart” of which she spoke is some sort of graven image or a button of some sort, nor do you state where her eyes were cast at the moment of her utterance.

I am going to assume that she is single, a virgin, is not above 30 years of age and is of solid Christian lineage. If this is so, she is clearly in urgent need of your personal attention that will lead to a prolonged and forceful ministering to rid her of the associations of the 14th of February.

Do not flinch from your task, take strength in The Lord and recall that Christ never said that it would be an easy path.
Thank you, Brother, and God's graces to you.

After a period of feverish prayer I have taken on the burden of putting on the Whole Armor of God and becoming a regular-scheduled mentor to this young woman. She may be saved yet.
Reply With Quote
(#4)
Old
Ezekiel Bathfire's Avatar
Ezekiel Bathfire Ezekiel Bathfire is offline
Pastor for Diversity and Tolerance
Christ's Rottweiler
 

One Year/1000 posts Saved 1 Year 1st Year Bible College 2nd Year Bible College 3rd Year Bible College 4th Year Bible College True Christian™ The Al E. Pistle Award for Excellence in Rebuking Christian Love Real American™ Tithing Manager Heaven Bound Protected by JESUS True Scientist™ Pastor of GOD Ex-Masturbator Super Soaker Baptism Award Ready for the Rapture True Christian Caucasian Senior Pastor Teabag Patriot TC Bravery Friend of Jesus Flat Earth Tell her once Persecuted Porn Resistant The Hatchet Child Rearing Award Ex-Brit Eats the Most Pork True Republican Ex-eurotrash Batman Shooting Survivor Loves a GODLY Chic-Fil-A Guns, Guts and GLORY! Proud Niglet Sponsorer Kirk Cameron Fan Club Nuts for JESUS! Prayer Warrior Touched by Jesus Stamp of Approval Rick Perry's Niggerhead Ranch Mower Donald Trump 2016! Anti-sodomy Pastor Ezekiel Aardvark Bathfire Crown of Life Alternative Facts Probing for Jesus 20,000 posts Saved 10 Years Proud TP Rebuker for Christ Anti-Biden

 
Posts: 22,268
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Toiling selflessly towards Salvation
Ezekiel Bathfire will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Ezekiel Bathfire will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Ezekiel Bathfire will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Ezekiel Bathfire will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Ezekiel Bathfire will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Ezekiel Bathfire will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Ezekiel Bathfire will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Ezekiel Bathfire will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Ezekiel Bathfire will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Ezekiel Bathfire will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Ezekiel Bathfire will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: Last Febuary 14th... - 01-17-2009, 07:20 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rev. Wendell Wooke View Post
Thank you, Brother, and God's graces to you.

After a period of feverish prayer I have taken on the burden of putting on the Whole Armor of God and becoming a regular-scheduled mentor to this young woman. She may be saved yet.
A word of advice: such charming an innocent young ladies have, as a result of an over protective upbringing, a veneer of reticence to accept the True Love of Jesus. I suggest a measured approach, slowly increasing in intensity and fervor and consummating in a final ripping away of the outer layers of false modesty. You will then gain access to her innermost parts of her being where your thrusting points of theology will have the finest mutual effect.

I find it quite a Godly pleasure when this happens.





“We must reassert that the essence of Christianity is the love of obedience to God’s Laws and that how that complete obedience is used or implemented does not concern us.”

Author of such illuminating essays as,
Map of the Known World; Periodic Table of Elements; The History of Linguistics; The Errors of Wicca; Dolphins and Evolution; The History of Landover (The Apology); Landover and the Civil War; 2000 Racial Slurs.
Reply With Quote
(#5)
Old
MosesGropedMe's Avatar
MosesGropedMe MosesGropedMe is offline
Confirmed Enemy of God
BANNED from Landover -- Aeternal Damnation Assured
 
Posts: 4
Join Date: Jan 2009
MosesGropedMe is under investigation -- suspected to be Unsaved Trash.
Default Re: Last Febuary 14th... - 01-19-2009, 04:29 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rev. Wendell Wooke View Post
Our Sunday services were over and I was shaking hands with an attractive lady parishoner--using my two-handed "Pastor Pump" Hand Shake© --when she mentioned that it was close to Valentine's Day and asked me if I "had a heart on."

That night I awoke at 3 AM drenched in sweat and crying out for the Lord.


so... unless the pastor pump is a new sex move im unaware of, you are very clearly gay.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Find Additional Forums Here



Powered by Jesus - vBulletin® Version 3.8.9
Copyright ©2000 - 2022, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
vBulletin Skin developed by: vBStyles.com
Content Landover Baptist Forums © 1620, 2022 all rights reserved