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Reload this Page Landover's Ex-Masturbator shirts are in!
Valentine's Day, AKA Treason Season! Where we discuss the evils of this pagan holiday.

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Default Re: Landover's Ex-Masturbator shirts are in! - 01-29-2010, 08:37 PM

Those look like some snazzy T-shirts, Brother Larry! Please put my name down for a couple of smalls, please. I'd like to get my Christmas shopping for my family out of the way while I can....not to mention my anniversary with my wife is coming up (I think? ).

By the way, can these t-shirts count towards my monthly tithing to the church?

Thanks!


Matthew 7:15
Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves.
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Default Re: Landover's Ex-Masturbator shirts are in! - 01-29-2010, 10:41 PM

I will not need one unless masterbation as a child counts. I have not touched myself since as a lad my father got a switch and taught me the difference between when I was wacking myself and when he was wacking my wicked winky with a willow branch. (say that fast five times)

Thank God for True Christian™ parenting! Glory!

-ND
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Default Re: Landover's Ex-Masturbator shirts are in! - 01-30-2010, 12:29 AM

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Originally Posted by Jed_Cassidy View Post

By the way, can these t-shirts count towards my monthly tithing to the church?

Thanks!
No.

Speaking of which, you still owe December's tithing payment. Because of late fees and interest, it stands at $421.58 as of today.

I'd hate to see that '93 F-150 of yours get in an unfortunate accident because God decided to punish you for not tithing to your church. It would be such a pity...



Watch the #1 Televangelist Gospel Hour in the World! "Turn or Burn: Accept Christ or Go to Hell with Rev. Jim Osborne." Check your local cable listings.

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Default Re: Landover's Ex-Masturbator shirts are in! - 01-30-2010, 05:03 AM

I love masturbating. And it's better than church!! Whenever I missed a day of church even back when I went, I would use the opprotunity to get off in privacy.
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Default Re: Landover's Ex-Masturbator shirts are in! - 01-30-2010, 05:33 AM

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Originally Posted by Rev. Jim Osborne View Post
No.

Speaking of which, you still owe December's tithing payment. Because of late fees and interest, it stands at $421.58 as of today.

I'd hate to see that '93 F-150 of yours get in an unfortunate accident because God decided to punish you for not tithing to your church. It would be such a pity...
Oh yes, sorry Reverend, I understand completely. The Christmas season took quite a toll on me (had to buy decorations for the house), but I know that's no excuse for the late payment.

I'll write a check immediately. Do you want me to make it out to the church, or is this one of those special "straight-to-Jesus" tithes you told me about that I should write out directly to you?

Thanks for the reminder Reverend!


Matthew 7:15
Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves.
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Default Re: Landover's Ex-Masturbator shirts are in! - 01-30-2010, 11:10 AM

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Originally Posted by TheLegitMan View Post
I love masturbating. And it's better than church!! Whenever I missed a day of church even back when I went, I would use the opprotunity to get off in privacy.
Would you be so kind as to burn your house down for us? Thank you.


5 Reasons why GOD HATES WOMEN!
To most "Christians" The Bible is like a license agreement. They just scroll to the bottom and click "I agree". All those "Christians" will burn in Hell!
James 2:10 "For whosoever shall keep the whole law, and yet offend in one point, he is guilty of all."
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Default Re: Landover's Ex-Masturbator shirts are in! - 01-30-2010, 11:47 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by TheLegitMan View Post
I love masturbating. And it's better than church!! Whenever I missed a day of church even back when I went, I would use the opprotunity to get off in privacy.
Dear Godmocking Queer;

Thank you for taking the time out of your busy schedule of worshiping satan and being sodomized by strangers in public toilets to post this hateful message. The Holy Bible tells us that we are actually Blessed by your persecution! Thanks for proving that we're right.

Quote:
Matthew 5:10 Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness' sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
5:11 Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake.
5:12 Rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward in heaven: for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you.
Enjoy hell. I know that Jesus and I can't wait to watch you burn in hell for all eternity. Oh, how we'll laugh at you as you scream in agony! Shout Glory!!

YIC,

--Pastor Ezekiel


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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Default Re: Landover's Ex-Masturbator shirts are in! - 02-10-2010, 12:46 AM

I ride with some brothers that struggle with this daily! Exactly how long do you have to quit this Onanistic behavior to be considered an "ex"?
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Default Re: Landover's Ex-Masturbator shirts are in! - 02-10-2010, 11:28 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Muttthepreacher View Post
I ride with some brothers that struggle with this daily! Exactly how long do you have to quit this Onanistic behavior to be considered an "ex"?
Some would say 20 minutes. But in truth, your status as an ex-masturbator is between you and your God, who watches your every move.


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I loved Newt before Newt was invincible
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Default Re: Landover's Ex-Masturbator shirts are in! - 02-10-2010, 09:04 PM

I had a shirt similar to that made for myself a few years back after I started my "Touch Jesus, Not Yourself" program at my Church. It went over very well.
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Default Re: Landover's Ex-Masturbator shirts are in! - 02-10-2010, 10:00 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by RevBuddy View Post
I had a shirt similar to that made for myself a few years back after I started my "Touch Jesus, Not Yourself" program at my Church. It went over very well.
How exactly did these kids "touch Jesus"? You have some weird methods my friend. Why not stay with the proven method from the Holy Bible? They workd fine for my kids and my grand kids and we all love each other almost as much as we love Jesus.

Proverbs 13:24 "He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes."

Proverbs 23:13-14 "Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die. Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell."


5 Reasons why GOD HATES WOMEN!
To most "Christians" The Bible is like a license agreement. They just scroll to the bottom and click "I agree". All those "Christians" will burn in Hell!
James 2:10 "For whosoever shall keep the whole law, and yet offend in one point, he is guilty of all."
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Default Re: Landover's Ex-Masturbator shirts are in! - 02-10-2010, 11:18 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
Having never committed the sin of Onan even once in my life, I will not be needing any of those shirts.

Lord knows I've had the chance, but I've never been tempted to engage in such a revolting, unnatural act.

Especially when Jesus is watching.
Why do you have an "Ex-Masturbator" badge up above your post, then? Did you decide to give them all to yourself in some sort of power trip?
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Default Re: Landover's Ex-Masturbator shirts are in! - 02-10-2010, 11:20 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Loving Christian View Post
Why do you have an "Ex-Masturbator" badge up above your post, then? Did you decide to give them all to yourself in some sort of power trip?
In my case, it's an honorary title.


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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Default Re: Landover's Ex-Masturbator shirts are in! - 02-10-2010, 11:50 PM

As the good Pastor says, it's an honorary title referring to the fact that, while he himself has never committed the act of self-pollution, over three dozen people have done filthy things to themselves while thinking about him (thus making him an accessory to masturbation), and then given up and found Jesus. So although he's never touched himself, he is a relevant factor in the cases of nearly 40 ex-masturbators. I think we can all agree he deserves that award.


O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it--for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen.


God being truth, justice, goodness, beauty, power, and life, man is falsehood, iniquity, evil, ugliness, impotence, and death. God being master, man is the slave. Incapable of finding justice, truth, and eternal life by his own effort, he can attain them only through a divine revelation... he who desires to worship God must harbor no childish illusions about the matter, but bravely renounce his liberty and humanity.
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Default Re: Landover's Ex-Masturbator shirts are in! - 02-11-2010, 01:26 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Brother Temperance View Post
As the good Pastor says, it's an honorary title referring to the fact that, while he himself has never committed the act of self-pollution, over three dozen people have done filthy things to themselves while thinking about him (thus making him an accessory to masturbation), and then given up and found Jesus. So although he's never touched himself, he is a relevant factor in the cases of nearly 40 ex-masturbators. I think we can all agree he deserves that award.
All of those who have accessorized their Onanism with mental imagery involving our beloved Pastor Zeke need to apologize to him by PM. They should ask Pastor how they can ever hope to compensate him for the shame of his second-hand participation in their sin.


Newt

I loved Newt before Newt was invincible
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amie-81 amie-81 is offline
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Default Re: Landover's Ex-Masturbator shirts are in! - 02-26-2010, 09:39 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by BibleThumpinBlonde View Post
I don't believe those negroes and their T-Shirts. I think they are lying. They still look like savage beasts from the jungle.
are you calling some of God's works- beasts? are you saying black people are not worthy of respect and being treated equal- like one of God's own children?
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Default Re: Landover's Ex-Masturbator shirts are in! - 02-26-2010, 09:44 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
Dear Godmocking Queer;

Thank you for taking the time out of your busy schedule of worshiping satan and being sodomized by strangers in public toilets to post this hateful message. The Holy Bible tells us that we are actually Blessed by your persecution! Thanks for proving that we're right.



Enjoy hell. I know that Jesus and I can't wait to watch you burn in hell for all eternity. Oh, how we'll laugh at you as you scream in agony! Shout Glory!!

YIC,

--Pastor Ezekiel
funny...I thought Jesus said it would be His will that not one would perish....I thought HE would love for all of us to make it to heaven? (I know it won't happen but I do not think he would find JOY in seeing someone go to hell.) Do you really think he does?!
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Default Re: Landover's Ex-Masturbator shirts are in! - 02-26-2010, 09:45 PM

You can look, but are you going to buy a shirt, or not?


May you be a blessing to every life you touch.
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Default Re: Landover's Ex-Masturbator shirts are in! - 02-27-2010, 12:09 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by amie-81 View Post
are you calling some of God's works- beasts? are you saying black people are not worthy of respect and being treated equal- like one of God's own children?

Yes they are. They say black people were put on this earth to be our slave.

They believe unless you are just like them you are going to hell.
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Default Re: Landover's Ex-Masturbator shirts are in! - 02-27-2010, 12:12 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by TrueJuggaloMaMa View Post
Yes they are. They say black people were put on this earth to be our slave.

They believe unless you are just like them you are going to hell.
And your issue with that is what exactly?

We follow the Holy Word of God. If you don't like that, take it up with Him!


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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