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Default Re: SO YOU WANT TO BECOME A PASTOR! - 10-11-2007, 04:17 PM

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Originally Posted by Goats View Post
O.K You put forth a good point. But you get your belief's from the WORDS of a bible.
You're almost right. We get our beliefs from the words of the Bible.

Quote:
Do you not look at the deeper meaning behind the books?
Why would we do that? We are to follow the words of God's law, not the "deeper meaning," which actually adds to or subtracts from those words:

Deut. 4:2: Ye shall not add unto the word which I command you, neither shall ye diminish [ought] from it, that ye may keep the commandments of the LORD your God which I command you.

Deut. 32:46: And he said unto them, Set your hearts unto all the words which I testify among you this day, which ye shall command your children to observe to do, all the words of this law.

We are to read the words and understand, not try to interpret our way out of the inconvenient parts, as the have-a-nice-day liberal "Christians" do:

Eph. 3:3-4: How that by revelation he made known unto me the mystery; (as I wrote afore in few words, Whereby, when ye read, ye may understand my knowledge in the mystery of Christ)

Finally, does Scripture call Jesus the Word (John 1:1) or the Deeper Meaning?


This church is dedicated to preaching True Christianity™ and the King James Bible exactly as they are, with no alterations to make them more politically correct for modern liberals. If you think that we've misquoted or twisted Scripture or quoted any verse out of context, please explain in detail how we've done so. Otherwise, if what you read on this site offends you, then you're offended by Almighty God and His Word, not by us.

Questions to ask liberal "Christians"Things that the Bible doesn't sayTolerance

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Default Re: SO YOU WANT TO BECOME A PASTOR! - 10-11-2007, 04:22 PM

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Originally Posted by Goats View Post
I can control my anger towards you. However, I wish you not to slander my R.E teachers name. She is a respectable and knowledgable woman. She has more soul and spirit than you obviously. Because she talks of happiness, not, as some people might call your words, 'bull'.
What makes you think Christianity is about happiness friend? At look at this world with all its death and misery and it shows God clearly has cursed it. That is why they call it “this vale of tears”.

Friend, I must take great exception to this comment from your RE about us TRUE Christians™

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They preach hatred towards negros
Now friend, were do you get that in heaven’s name? There is no room for racism here at Landover. We TRUE Christians™ work hard to help blacks overcome the Curse of Ham that has been laid upon them for their ancestor’s sins.



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Goats is a sorcerer and idolater who follows false gods and will rot in Hell.Goats is a sorcerer and idolater who follows false gods and will rot in Hell.Goats is a sorcerer and idolater who follows false gods and will rot in Hell.Goats is a sorcerer and idolater who follows false gods and will rot in Hell.Goats is a sorcerer and idolater who follows false gods and will rot in Hell.Goats is a sorcerer and idolater who follows false gods and will rot in Hell.Goats is a sorcerer and idolater who follows false gods and will rot in Hell.Goats is a sorcerer and idolater who follows false gods and will rot in Hell.
Default Re: SO YOU WANT TO BECOME A PASTOR! - 10-11-2007, 06:01 PM

Yet you call Hitoshi, a Japanese person, 'slit eyed' and 'yellow skinned'? That's not racism is it?


God IS the Salvation. We are his messengers, NOT his workers. We bring people TO HIM. Don't you people see that I am a retarded?
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Default Re: SO YOU WANT TO BECOME A PASTOR! - 10-11-2007, 06:11 PM

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Originally Posted by Goats View Post
Yet you call Hitoshi, a Japanese person, 'slit eyed' and 'yellow skinned'? That's not racism is it?
Of course not. GOD says to tell the truth. Look at his picture. Should we lie? No.


Emeritus Professor of the Christ Jesus Chair of Theology at Landover Baptist University.
"God loves you. Let us arrange for you to meet Him".
Break their teeth, O God, in their mouth.--Psalms 58:6


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Goats is a sorcerer and idolater who follows false gods and will rot in Hell.Goats is a sorcerer and idolater who follows false gods and will rot in Hell.Goats is a sorcerer and idolater who follows false gods and will rot in Hell.Goats is a sorcerer and idolater who follows false gods and will rot in Hell.Goats is a sorcerer and idolater who follows false gods and will rot in Hell.Goats is a sorcerer and idolater who follows false gods and will rot in Hell.Goats is a sorcerer and idolater who follows false gods and will rot in Hell.Goats is a sorcerer and idolater who follows false gods and will rot in Hell.
Default Re: SO YOU WANT TO BECOME A PASTOR! - 10-11-2007, 06:22 PM

Alright. In that case, you're a four eyed stuck up old man. Right? That's what YOUR picture says pastor.


God IS the Salvation. We are his messengers, NOT his workers. We bring people TO HIM. Don't you people see that I am a retarded?
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Default Re: SO YOU WANT TO BECOME A PASTOR! - 10-11-2007, 06:32 PM

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Alright. In that case, you're a four eyed stuck up old man. Right? That's what YOUR picture says pastor.
Son, you need to learn the difference between physical traits, which MAY be see in pictures, and personality traits which never are. Once you have that sorted out, you need to work on your powers of observation. HOW MANY EYES DO YOU SEE IN MY PICTURE?


Emeritus Professor of the Christ Jesus Chair of Theology at Landover Baptist University.
"God loves you. Let us arrange for you to meet Him".
Break their teeth, O God, in their mouth.--Psalms 58:6


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Default Re: SO YOU WANT TO BECOME A PASTOR! - 10-11-2007, 07:32 PM

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Booby-Joe. You are the ONLY person who has shown the slightest kindness to me on this forum besides Hitoshi. I want to know that why, if you are trying to save me, I am insulted and called a 'poofter' among a few names. Surley, the way to go about saving someone is teaching them kindly, not insulting them?
Do you honestly think we have been mean to you, goats? It's tough love, we only want what's best for you in the long run, which is salvation in Jesus, through the True™ Word of the Bible.

Do you know that most who say they believe are false-christians, and so many of them have never even read the Bible; or they have read parts of false editions of the Bible; or they have been given false information by false teachers and preachers. When (and if) they ever start reading and studying the Bible as it actually is, they are shocked! They run away whining to their friends that it can't be true, God couldn't have meant this, or that. But Jesus hates a whiner!

We merely want to warn you against this, even if we have to bop you over the head to get you to see it. After all, you are only fourteen years old! You have your whole life ahead of you, best to get on the right track to the truth early on!



1st Timothy 2: 9 In like manner also, that women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with broided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array;
1st Timothy 2: 10 But (which becometh women professing godliness) with good works ...


1 Timothy 5: 16 If any man or woman that believeth have widows, let them relieve them, and let not the church be charged; that it may relieve them that are widows indeed ...

Proverbs 31: 26 She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness ...
Proverbs 31: 27 She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness ...
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Goats is a sorcerer and idolater who follows false gods and will rot in Hell.Goats is a sorcerer and idolater who follows false gods and will rot in Hell.Goats is a sorcerer and idolater who follows false gods and will rot in Hell.Goats is a sorcerer and idolater who follows false gods and will rot in Hell.Goats is a sorcerer and idolater who follows false gods and will rot in Hell.Goats is a sorcerer and idolater who follows false gods and will rot in Hell.Goats is a sorcerer and idolater who follows false gods and will rot in Hell.Goats is a sorcerer and idolater who follows false gods and will rot in Hell.
Default Re: SO YOU WANT TO BECOME A PASTOR! - 10-11-2007, 08:50 PM

O.K. I cannot take you people much longer. I have tried to reason with you. I have prayed for your understanding towards me. I have reasoned with you. But all I receive is torment and abuse from the members here. So I shall return it all in kindness. You are the biggest bunch of stuck up pricks since the prick was first created by God. I have seen piles of mould that look better than most of you, in fact, the only difference between you and mould is that mould is better looking and is easier to stand on. You refuse to believe anything remotely happy, or logical. You are obsessed with the fact that everyone unlike you is off to hell to be ass raped by fiery demons of hell which sound similar to yourselves, and have your heads up your own asses thinking that you're off to heaven to live a happy eternity. The majority of you are probably just big fake gay men who like to torment other happy people and make their lives as miserable as you can. You live in a country where violence is its main money maker and sex and drugs follow closely behind. Summing up, your a bunch or racist shit faced wankers that believe a pile of crap about nothing. Ban me if you want, I don't give a crap. You people sicken me...


God IS the Salvation. We are his messengers, NOT his workers. We bring people TO HIM. Don't you people see that I am a retarded?
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Goats is a sorcerer and idolater who follows false gods and will rot in Hell.Goats is a sorcerer and idolater who follows false gods and will rot in Hell.Goats is a sorcerer and idolater who follows false gods and will rot in Hell.Goats is a sorcerer and idolater who follows false gods and will rot in Hell.Goats is a sorcerer and idolater who follows false gods and will rot in Hell.Goats is a sorcerer and idolater who follows false gods and will rot in Hell.Goats is a sorcerer and idolater who follows false gods and will rot in Hell.Goats is a sorcerer and idolater who follows false gods and will rot in Hell.
Default Re: SO YOU WANT TO BECOME A PASTOR! - 10-11-2007, 09:09 PM

If you want salvation then this will give you a mroe clear view

http://www.objectiveness.com/objective_ministries_not/faq.html

and this site will get you more saved than landover baptists can

http://www.religioustolerance.org/satanis1.htm


God IS the Salvation. We are his messengers, NOT his workers. We bring people TO HIM. Don't you people see that I am a retarded?
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Default Re: SO YOU WANT TO BECOME A PASTOR! - 10-11-2007, 09:22 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Goats View Post
If you want salvation then this will give you a mroe clear view

http://www.objectiveness.com/objective_ministries_not/faq.html

and this site will get you more saved than landover baptists can

http://www.religioustolerance.org/satanis1.htm

Objective Ministry is a bunch of heretics that hate everything decent in Christianity. As for the Church of Satan goes my Jesus OS won't even let me look at it

Really friend, we've only tried to help you, these two posts of yours' is a spiteful and vicious attack on us.



Time to reclaim our FREEDOM from the “Mullah in Chief” and his growing activist voter hoards of socialists, communists, anti-Semites, anti-Christians, atheists, radical gays and lesbians, feminists, illegal immigrants, Muslims, anti-Anglo whites and others.

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Default Re: SO YOU WANT TO BECOME A PASTOR! - 10-11-2007, 09:23 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Goats View Post
If you want salvation then this will give you a mroe clear view

http://www.objectiveness.com/objective_ministries_not/faq.html

and this site will get you more saved than landover baptists can

http://www.religioustolerance.org/satanis1.htm
I hate to tell you this....I suppose you hadn't heard. Jim Carlson, from Operation Landover Shutdown stopped updating his site in June of 2003. That is when a large semi with a 40 foot trailer jumped the curb and ran poor Jim down as he was making his nightly walk to the liquor store with his three Pekingese dogs. They managed to identify Jim from dental records, but no one ever determined which dog was which from the pink stains on the sidewalk.

Sadly, although we at Landover offered to send in our best detectives and in spite of there being numerous witnesses, neither the truck or driver were ever identified. As a courtesy to Jim's memory, we have been financing that website ever since just to show how tolerant we are of opposing viewpoints. That horrid story that we own the site and leave it up as a warning to others is just silly nonsense!

We pray for Jim's rotten soul and hope that he is enjoying HELL, where he surely went for besmirching our good name!


Emeritus Professor of the Christ Jesus Chair of Theology at Landover Baptist University.
"God loves you. Let us arrange for you to meet Him".
Break their teeth, O God, in their mouth.--Psalms 58:6


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Default Re: SO YOU WANT TO BECOME A PASTOR! - 10-11-2007, 09:32 PM

Doesn't stop you from being a fricking retarded dip shit though, does it Pastor Pissface?


God IS the Salvation. We are his messengers, NOT his workers. We bring people TO HIM. Don't you people see that I am a retarded?
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Default Re: SO YOU WANT TO BECOME A PASTOR! - 10-11-2007, 09:54 PM

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Originally Posted by Goats View Post
Doesn't stop you from being a fricking retarded dip shit though, does it Pastor Pissface?
Seems like someone got their panties in a bunch..
Are you seriously saying we've ever spoken to you like this?
Don't be stupid.

We've only pointed out obvious truths.
You disobey the Bible & blaspheme God - Thus you are, a false teacher.
You refuse to listen to, or consider everything that opposes your view, including the Bible and reality - And that makes you an arrogant brat.
And all this immature crying and insult tossing you currently display is why you are a poofter.

See, all fact.

I can't believe that someone like you, a 14year old CHILD who ignores the Bible, contradicts Himself,
is a liar by own admittance, and throws childish insults around when he cannot defend his silly beliefs -
Can at the same time claim to be chosen by God to preach and teach!
Get thee hence, despite better knowledge we've given you a chance to prove your beliefs and act maturely..
And you reward our kindness by spitting in our (and Jesus) face.


You're currently on the fast track towards eternal damnation, and no childish insult you can think up could ever change that.
Only accepting the TRUE Jesus (ie not the one found in your fantasies but the real one found in reality and the Bible) could change that.


If thou be wise, thou shalt be wise for thyself: But if thou scornest, thou alone shalt bear it.
A foolish woman is clamorous: She is simple, and knoweth nothing.
Proverbs 9:12-13
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Default Re: SO YOU WANT TO BECOME A PASTOR! - 10-11-2007, 10:05 PM

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Doesn't stop you from being a fricking retarded dip shit though, does it Pastor Pissface?
Hahahaha! See Friends? SATAN ALWAYS shows himself. You must simply call out in the name of JESUS and demons completely lose their minds. If I had wanted to waste a few more minutes, I could have demonstrated how to actually INTERROGATE demons and get information about SATAN'S plans. It's easy, but you have to be careful you don't end up talking directly to SATAN who will try to steal your soul on the spot. Only those strong in the faith are allowed to interrogate demons!


Emeritus Professor of the Christ Jesus Chair of Theology at Landover Baptist University.
"God loves you. Let us arrange for you to meet Him".
Break their teeth, O God, in their mouth.--Psalms 58:6


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Default Re: SO YOU WANT TO BECOME A PASTOR! - 10-11-2007, 10:11 PM

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Doesn't stop you from being a fricking retarded dip shit though, does it Pastor Pissface?
Listen sonny boy,

That kind of tap dancing may play well in the bathroom with your boyfriend but we here at Landover have some stands. You do not go around attacking a kindly old man like Pastor Pistol you young punk. You keep this up Satan will be scream “Pastor Pissface” into your ear every time he bends your’ soft, smooth behind over a lava vent in Hell! Now straiten up before it is too late!



Time to reclaim our FREEDOM from the “Mullah in Chief” and his growing activist voter hoards of socialists, communists, anti-Semites, anti-Christians, atheists, radical gays and lesbians, feminists, illegal immigrants, Muslims, anti-Anglo whites and others.

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Default Lesson 3 - 10-12-2007, 06:50 AM

Pastor Al E. Pistle's


PASTORAL THEOLOGY

III. LEGITIMATE FIELD OF PASTORAL INFLUENCE.

1. His commission is from Christ, an ambassador.
2. If sent of God, he is His representative.
3. To assert His claims and secure universal obedience.
4. His field extends as far as the claims of God.
5. To all the moral conduct of the flock.
6. He should teach, advise, reprove, warn, rebuke, persuade, and command, in God's name on all moral questions.
7. In public, social, private, domestic questions.
8. Should allow no limitation of his legitimate sphere, short of the claims of God.
9. He has the right, for it is his duty to teach, reprove, rebuke, persuade, and interfere, whenever and wherever it is necessary to prevent sin and secure obedience.
10. Also, on all questions, public, social, private, domestic, that involve questions of duty to God or man.
11. All questions of public or private weal come within the true intent and meaning of his commission.
12. He is commissioned to all individuals, hence to the whole.
13. He can influence the masses only as he influences the individuals that compose the masses.
14. His aim is to mold private, individual character.
15. And thus secure the highest usefulness and final salvation of everyone.
16. Pastors should never admit that they are out of their appropriate sphere, when urging any claim of God. All are amenable to God.
17. The time, place, manner and circumstances of his teaching and interference should be guided by prayerful and well-considered discretion.
18. He should aim to form and control public opinion on all moral subjects. All Christians should co-operate.
19. To keep out all antichristian opinion and influences.
20. To promote the right kind and extent of education.
21. To secure public libraries of the best books.
22. To discourage the reading of injurious ones.
23. To rightly form the political opinions of all classes.
24. To regulate their pursuits and amusements.
25. To lead the way in all that concerns the well-being of the flock and community.
26. He is the appointed overseer. He has the oversight.
27. This idea will define the limits of his commission.
28. Remarks:
(1) A pastor must be a laborious man. (2) He needs to be more than an ordinary man.
(3) Also a considerate and cautious man.
(4) A wise man, apt to forecast results.
(5) An unselfish man.
(6) To have a single eye to the good of the flock.
(7) A patient man, slow to anger.
(8) A meek man -- if resentful, he will lose influence.
(9) A man of great faith.
(10) A man of large hope.
(11) A persevering man.
(12) Organize donation parties.
(13) Should not too much fear to be called eccentric.
(14) Nor to be an imitator, if the model be good.


Emeritus Professor of the Christ Jesus Chair of Theology at Landover Baptist University.
"God loves you. Let us arrange for you to meet Him".
Break their teeth, O God, in their mouth.--Psalms 58:6


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Brother Temperance Brother Temperance is offline
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Default Re: Lesson 3 - 10-12-2007, 11:16 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Goats View Post
I am from a church that has no origins.
Our Church has its origins in the teachings of Jesus Christ. I know which one I prefer.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Goats View Post
I'm not the leader of the whole church, no. I am not the best preacher in my youth group either. I like to try my best though. You say that we only preach hippy-dippy things to the congregation. The only thing you seem to preach is whiny complaints about other races who aren't like you, and how WalMart is being bad for not saying Happy Christmas in OCTOBER!
Friend, have you seen our Bible in a Year forum? How many other Churches are dedicated enough to go through THE ENTIRE BIBLE like that?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Goats View Post
But whilst we're on the subject here, I'll repeat what my BAPTIST R.E teacher
Does that stand for Retarded Education? Must be a horrible job.
Quote:
at school said when I showed her this site:
'There are some weird people out there, 'Ghost.' They are misguided by their brains, and temptation from the devil. Though these number are few, they must be prayed for, so they may be forgiven before it is too late. They preach hatred towards negros and other forms of Christianity.
Your Retarded Education teacher thinks negroes are a form of Christianity? No wonder the poor woman can't get a job that doesn't involve working with retardeds.
Quote:
They work against the disabled and mock everyone who is unlike them through insult, and use of scriptures that they use literally.
How else are we supposed to use Scripture? As toilet paper?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Goats View Post
Yet you call Hitoshi, a Japanese person, 'slit eyed' and 'yellow skinned'? That's not racism is it?
You want that we should call him round eyed and pink skinned? Lying to the poor nipper's hardly going to help him get Saved, is it?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Goats View Post
O.K. I cannot take you people much longer. I have tried to reason with you. I have prayed for your understanding towards me.
Proof that you're praying to the wrong god.
Quote:
I have seen piles of mould that look better than most of you, in fact, the only difference between you and mould is that mould is better looking and is easier to stand on.
Wait a second...are you admitting that your mongoloid demons have forced you to attempt fornication with mould? If we could get footage of this and sell it to the secular television stations, we could make millions for JESUS!
Quote:
You refuse to believe anything remotely happy.
That's just a flat-out lie. I believe I will spend eternity sipping pear cordial and gin with Jesus while we point and laugh as FINNISH demons tear your innards out and scatter them around like confetti. How is that not happy?
Quote:
You are obsessed with the fact that everyone unlike you is off to hell to be ass raped by fiery demons of hell which sound similar to yourselves.
And you're prepared to just sit back and allow everyone unlike us to be ass-raped by fiery demons for eternity? How callous are you?
Quote:
The majority of you are probably just big fake gay men who like to torment other happy people and make their lives as miserable as you can.
For the record, I'm pretty sure I'm not a big fake gay man. Who precisely do you think is a big fake gay man? Sister Templeton?
Quote:
You live in a country where violence is its main money maker and sex and drugs follow closely behind.
Wrong again, retarded. The US' major export is capital goods, such as transistors, aircraft, motor vehicle parts, computers, telecommunications equipment. Industrial supplies make up another 26.8% of its exports. How exactly is that violent or sexy?
Quote:
Summing up, your a bunch or racist shit faced wankers that believe a pile of crap about nothing.
You call God nothing? Given those options, I suppose we'd have to be described as a bunch.


O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it--for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen.


God being truth, justice, goodness, beauty, power, and life, man is falsehood, iniquity, evil, ugliness, impotence, and death. God being master, man is the slave. Incapable of finding justice, truth, and eternal life by his own effort, he can attain them only through a divine revelation... he who desires to worship God must harbor no childish illusions about the matter, but bravely renounce his liberty and humanity.
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Godless Liberal Godless Liberal is offline
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Default Re: SO YOU WANT TO BECOME A PASTOR! - 10-17-2007, 03:06 PM

God came to me last night and requested that I become a pastor. So let's get with the paperwork.
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Andrew Barrick Andrew Barrick is offline
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Default Re: SO YOU WANT TO BECOME A PASTOR! - 10-17-2007, 04:36 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sister Mary Maria View Post
Satan's hackers are at it again. The nerve of them, thinking they could make a good man look like he's in favor of female pastors. That's outrageous! If God wanted female pastors, He would have made us men!
Very observant, especially for a woman. I believe that I am called to Pastor. Is there anyone who would mentor me? I am more than willing to be a shepherd of the flock, as Pastor Pistle so aptly put it.
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Brother Guy Bayard Brother Guy Bayard is offline
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Brother Guy Bayard has bribed people to get these reputation points.Brother Guy Bayard has bribed people to get these reputation points.Brother Guy Bayard has bribed people to get these reputation points.Brother Guy Bayard has bribed people to get these reputation points.Brother Guy Bayard has bribed people to get these reputation points.Brother Guy Bayard has bribed people to get these reputation points.Brother Guy Bayard has bribed people to get these reputation points.Brother Guy Bayard has bribed people to get these reputation points.Brother Guy Bayard has bribed people to get these reputation points.Brother Guy Bayard has bribed people to get these reputation points.Brother Guy Bayard has bribed people to get these reputation points.
Default Re: SO YOU WANT TO BECOME A PASTOR! - 11-24-2007, 10:33 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Goats View Post
Doesn't stop you from being a fricking retarded dip shit though, does it Pastor Pissface?
I think she has sand in her vagina. She's a very masculine looking woman - maybe she's a Nun?


The devil, whose business is to pervert the truth, mimics the exact circumstance of the Divine Sacraments. He baptises his believers and promises forgiveness of sins...he celebrates the oblation of bread, and brings in the symbol of the resurrection. Let us therefore acknowledge the craftiness of the devil, who copied certain things of those that be divine."
Tertullian (155-222 AD) from The Prescription Against Heretics' Ch XL
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