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Reload this Page Former witch looking for Jesus!
The introduction forum Attention Unsaved Trash: This the ONLY subforum you can start threads in. Here is where you introduce yourself. Tell us what church you go to and what your favorite Bible verse is and how you came to find Jesus.

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Post Former witch looking for Jesus! - 09-30-2013, 05:35 PM



Hullo, everyone

My name is Ariana and I've come to these forums in grave need of assistance!

My goal: It is my deep longing to become a True Christian™ after a recent experience I had that was surely a sign from The Good Lord, Himself! A revelation, if you will.

My story: I was out in the woods, tracing pentacles in the sacred Earth with my finger, when I felt a tap on my shoulder. I was wearing my jacket, so the sound was quite solid and pronounced, I knew it wasn't my imagination!

So I looked over my shoulder and saw no one. Spooky, right? But where the sound had emitted was what appeared to be a white splatter, which vaguely resembled the face of a bearded man. I looked up and guess what I saw???

A white bird! So, rushing home to discover what sort of symbolism this might mean I quickly saw that the symbol of the white bird is a DOVE! And a DOVE is a sign of The Good Lord!

Clearly He was displeased of my drawing pentacles on the dirt below.. and I deeply repent! I was actually planning to summon something from beyond (cause I was lonely and needed an invisible friend).. so He came in the nick of time! This was yesterday! But now I wish to be a disciple of Jesus. The 13th disciple.

But my brothers and father have informed me of how stupid I was, since.. there is no 13th disciple. But they are graceful and forgiving as they understand my ignorance is due to my natural design.

I know as a woman I will hardly be able to get *anything* done right compared to a man, so will you all guide and bare with me as I quest to become a True Christian™ woman???

My favorite biblical verses are Deuteronomy 23:1 and Deuteronomy 25:11-12 as they've really conveyed to me just how important manhoods are. (I took the path of a Pagan due to the FemiNazis lying to me about my own feminine power, so these verses really helped to set me straight).

Thank you for your consideration.

GLORY JESUS!!!
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Default Re: Former witch looking for Jesus! - 09-30-2013, 07:05 PM

Glory!



Looks like you got here just in time, friend. You never know when Jesus is going to drop a grand piano on your head, or send a swarm of cockatrices to tear the meat from your bones.

Tell me, how far along have you got in your cover-to-cover reading of Scripture? That is the only sure-fire way to know what He wants.

Yours in Christ,

Z. Smyth


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Default Re: Former witch looking for Jesus! - 09-30-2013, 08:32 PM

Hello and welcome to our friendly forums! How wonderful for you to have such a tangible and unmistakable sign as proof that Jesus watches over you all the time! Most people have forgotten this, and only think about Him when they need something, not thinking that Jesus is always there, always watching! Always!

Have you started reading the Holy Bible yet? You should! It's God's love letter just to you (well, and to me, and to everyone, but it's still personal in a mysterious way if you don't think too hard about it)!


Hello, my name is Mary. I hope to fellowship with you! That is, unless you don't listen to church authority (Deuteronomy 17:12); are a witch (Exodus 22:17); are a homosexual (Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:24-32); or fortuneteller (Leviticus 20:27) or a snotty kid who hits their dad (Exodus 21:15); or curses their parents (Proverbs 20:20; Leviticus 20:9); an adulterer (Leviticus 20:10); a non-Christian (Exodus 22:19; Deuteronomy 13:7-12; Deuteronomy 17:2-5;Romans 1:24-32); an atheist (2 Chronicles 15:12-13); or false prophet (Zechariah 13:3); from the town of one who worships another, false god (Deuteronomy 13:13-19); were a non-virgin bride (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); or blasphemer (Leviticus 24:10-16), as God calls for your execution and will no doubt send you to Hell, and I have no interest developing a friendship with the Spiritually Walking Dead.

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Smile Re: Former witch looking for Jesus! - 09-30-2013, 08:42 PM

Oh, oh yes, I know! The idea is terrifying to me. As someone who was an expert at reading signs, this one was all too clear. The bird splatter was a fair warning that the Dove (God) was displeased with the filth I was mingling into.

The warnings of The Lord always start off benign before getting serious. Who knows, had I not turned away from Sin, He might've even arranged for me to be near a skyscraper whilst some man infected with The Gay jumps out the window to kill us both off! From bird-poop to butt pirates falling from the sky. The Lord Works in Mysterious ways!

As for your question, I am still beginning. I frantically sought online for Christ but there were SO MANY confusing denominators and contradicting paths. Hundreds and Thousands of them!!!

I wanted the REAL DEAL so I looked online for something official and behold, another sign ... in the symbols of trademarks and copyrights. Why would GOD himself allow His sacred words to be officially trademarked if they weren't officially his?? He wouldn't it! So this place beats them all!! and he's always ready to beat the others! <-- "Only I shall stand!" Proverbs 19:21

The answer was TOO clear. I am still working on the FULL interpretation of

It was nice to meet you, brother in Christ, Zechariah Smyth!
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Red face Re: Former witch looking for Jesus! - 09-30-2013, 08:48 PM

Oh thank you for that link, Mary Etheldreda !! You truly seem to be a woman in Christ's heart so I will look into your footsteps as a guidance.
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Default Re: Former witch looking for Jesus! - 09-30-2013, 10:34 PM

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Originally Posted by 13th_Disciple View Post
Oh, oh yes, I know! The idea is terrifying to me. As someone who was an expert at reading signs, this one was all too clear. The bird splatter was a fair warning that the Dove (God) was displeased with the filth I was mingling into.

The warnings of The Lord always start off benign before getting serious. Who knows, had I not turned away from Sin, He might've even arranged for me to be near a skyscraper whilst some man infected with The Gay jumps out the window to kill us both off! From bird-poop to butt pirates falling from the sky. The Lord Works in Mysterious ways!

As for your question, I am still beginning. I frantically sought online for Christ but there were SO MANY confusing denominators and contradicting paths. Hundreds and Thousands of them!!!

I wanted the REAL DEAL so I looked online for something official and behold, another sign ... in the symbols of trademarks and copyrights. Why would GOD himself allow His sacred words to be officially trademarked if they weren't officially his?? He wouldn't it! So this place beats them all!! and he's always ready to beat the others! <-- "Only I shall stand!" Proverbs 19:21

The answer was TOO clear. I am still working on the FULL interpretation of

It was nice to meet you, brother in Christ, Zechariah Smyth!
Ariana,

I won't "bare" with you, as you put it. That means getting naked and JESUS doesn't want me showing everyone my junk. That 8 hours in jail a few years ago wasn't wasted on me. You must mean "bear" with you, meaning to be patient. Wow, do we have a bunch of patient people here.

Welcome to our friendly forums!

Brother Larry
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Smile Re: Former witch looking for Jesus! - 09-30-2013, 10:49 PM

Oh, thank you brother Larry. I must confess, I was a bit terrified of using the word "bear" over "bare" after reading of the two bears that lovingly massacred the god mockers in honor of the King of Kings! 2 Kings 2:23-25!

As the expression goes, "speak of the Devil, and he shall appear.." I did not wish to invoke the wrath of my Lord.. it is bad enough I am walking a thin line by my existing with two "x" chromosomes.

But thank you for the welcome! I look forward to singing Gospels and learning more of the Lord along side you.



Ezekiel 13:18

"Thus says the Lord God: Woe to the women who sew magic bands upon all wrists, and make veils for the heads of persons of every stature, in the hunt for souls! Will you hunt down souls belonging to my people and keep your own souls alive?"
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Default Re: Former witch looking for Jesus! - 09-30-2013, 11:23 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by 13th_Disciple View Post
As the expression goes, "speak of the Devil, and he shall appear.." I did not wish to invoke the wrath of my Lord.. it is bad enough I am walking a thin line by my existing with two "x" chromosomes.
Don't worry dear, that's just superstition.

Saying words don't change the nature of reality just because some people think they do. If you want to make a difference, start your words with "Dear Jesus..." and then believe (Matthew 21:21-22).



Hello, my name is Mary. I hope to fellowship with you! That is, unless you don't listen to church authority (Deuteronomy 17:12); are a witch (Exodus 22:17); are a homosexual (Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:24-32); or fortuneteller (Leviticus 20:27) or a snotty kid who hits their dad (Exodus 21:15); or curses their parents (Proverbs 20:20; Leviticus 20:9); an adulterer (Leviticus 20:10); a non-Christian (Exodus 22:19; Deuteronomy 13:7-12; Deuteronomy 17:2-5;Romans 1:24-32); an atheist (2 Chronicles 15:12-13); or false prophet (Zechariah 13:3); from the town of one who worships another, false god (Deuteronomy 13:13-19); were a non-virgin bride (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); or blasphemer (Leviticus 24:10-16), as God calls for your execution and will no doubt send you to Hell, and I have no interest developing a friendship with the Spiritually Walking Dead.

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Default Re: Former witch looking for Jesus! - 09-30-2013, 11:42 PM

Dear witch;

You are converting just in time. Our annual witch hunt starts in just a few days. I'd slip out of those robes and into something more Godly if I were you. And burn your broom!

If you'd like to find out more about Landover Baptist Church, please read THIS thread created especially for new posters.

If you have a question, use the "search" function before posting it. Most likely it is being discussed somewhere on this Godly forum. Please don't waste God's precious bandwidth.

You will keep a respectful tongue in your head whenever addressing your betters, which includes all True Christians™. Failure to do so, or any attempt at inciting debate or mockery of God's Divine Plan, can and will result in the suspension of your posting privileges.

Your rights on this forum are listed HERE. If you feel that any of these rights have been violated, please don't hesitate to contact a Pastor at once.

YIC,

--Pastor Ezekiel


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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Default Re: Former witch looking for Jesus! - 10-01-2013, 12:49 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by 13th_Disciple View Post
Oh, thank you brother Larry. I must confess, I was a bit terrified of using the word "bear" over "bare" after reading of the two bears that lovingly massacred the god mockers in honor of the King of Kings! 2 Kings 2:23-25!

As the expression goes, "speak of the Devil, and he shall appear.." I did not wish to invoke the wrath of my Lord.. it is bad enough I am walking a thin line by my existing with two "x" chromosomes.

But thank you for the welcome! I look forward to singing Gospels and learning more of the Lord along side you.

Hey, I'd love to sing with you and stuff, if you don't get caught up in the witch hunt, that is. You're kinda cute.

Brother Larry
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Default Re: Former witch looking for Jesus! - 10-01-2013, 01:07 AM

"Dear witch;

You are converting just in time. Our annual witch hunt starts in just a few days"


More solid evidence that those signs were unto something! Clearly Jesus foresaw my fate coming... he is truly the ONLY grand Wizard (as proven when God's staff was bigger than those other staffs, and when God's snakes were bigger than those other snakes!)

I should have abided long before my having stepped through the portal to Diagon Alle-- er.. you know. Hoodoo nonsense.

And please, do not worry, I was already gone through those forums with a fine comb before posting. I know my place when it comes to rule abiding by the Laws and loving Jesus to avoid the Eternal Damnation that he's created for me if I fail.

However, despite this, I would appreciate a fair warning if I crossed the line without being aware of it.. I am after all... a little more "oddly designed" in my Natural form.

Thank you


Ezekiel 13:18

"Thus says the Lord God: Woe to the women who sew magic bands upon all wrists, and make veils for the heads of persons of every stature, in the hunt for souls! Will you hunt down souls belonging to my people and keep your own souls alive?"
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Default Re: Former witch looking for Jesus! - 10-01-2013, 02:58 AM

I cautiously welcome you to the forums Ariana!

I've had some bad luck in the past with gypsy witches, Something i wont get into right now but lest just say it envoles a crate of cabbage two midgets and a lot of rape

God Bless
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Default Re: Former witch looking for Jesus! - 10-01-2013, 07:40 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by 13th_Disciple View Post
"Dear witch;

You are converting just in time. Our annual witch hunt starts in just a few days"

More solid evidence that those signs were unto something! Clearly Jesus foresaw my fate coming... he is truly the ONLY grand Wizard (as proven when God's staff was bigger than those other staffs, and when God's snakes were bigger than those other snakes!)

I should have abided long before my having stepped through the portal to Diagon Alle-- er.. you know. Hoodoo nonsense.

And please, do not worry, I was already gone through those forums with a fine comb before posting. I know my place when it comes to rule abiding by the Laws and loving Jesus to avoid the Eternal Damnation that he's created for me if I fail.

However, despite this, I would appreciate a fair warning if I crossed the line without being aware of it.. I am after all... a little more "oddly designed" in my Natural form.

Thank you
Hello, "Ex Witch" Ariana. Even though you may have claimed to be converted from witchery the folks at Landover Baptist may still want to put you through a few tests. This is purely to show that you are no longer a witch.

Such tests could include, but not be limited to:

Dunking on helloween
Burning
Checking whether or not you have a third nipple
Dropping you from a hieght to see if you survive
Shoving a red hot poker in your nether bits to see if it hurts

You know, nothing invasive, they just need to make sure that you have truly renounced your evil ways.

Ponder on this little gem that God gave us in The Bible (KJV 1611)

Revelation 21:8

But the fearefull, and vnbeleeuing, and the abominable, and murderers, and whore mongers, and sorcerers, and idolaters, and all lyars, shall haue their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone: which is the second death

Anyway, welcome to the forum, I hope you enjoy your time here however short it may be.


Isaiah 66:15

For behold, the Lord wil come with fire, and with his charets like a whirlewinde, to render his anger with furie, and his rebuke with flames of fire.
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Default Re: Former witch looking for Jesus! - 10-01-2013, 08:22 AM

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Originally Posted by 13th_Disciple View Post

Hullo, everyone

But now I wish to be a disciple of Jesus. The 13th disciple.

But my brothers and father have informed me of how stupid I was, since.. there is no 13th disciple. But they are graceful and forgiving as they understand my ignorance is due to my natural design.

I know as a woman I will hardly be able to get *anything* done right compared to a man, so will you all guide and bare with me as I quest to become a True Christian™ woman???

GLORY JESUS!!!
Welcome, Ariana.

Your background is somewhat of an interesting one. Since you seem to acknowledge that women are very easily given to sin, witchcraft, and silliness (2 Tim 3:6), then you are forearmed to fight against the besetting shortcomings that come with just being a woman.

Continue to learn and trust in God and his KJV to answer all of the difficult questions of life - as well as whatever fickle thoughts and concerns might run through your head - and you will do well.

Yours in Him,

Pastor Ed



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Default Re: Former witch looking for Jesus! - 10-02-2013, 03:15 AM

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Originally Posted by 13th_Disciple View Post
"Dear witch;

You are converting just in time. Our annual witch hunt starts in just a few days"

More solid evidence that those signs were unto something! Clearly Jesus foresaw my fate coming... he is truly the ONLY grand Wizard (as proven when God's staff was bigger than those other staffs, and when God's snakes were bigger than those other snakes!)

I should have abided long before my having stepped through the portal to Diagon Alle-- er.. you know. Hoodoo nonsense.

And please, do not worry, I was already gone through those forums with a fine comb before posting. I know my place when it comes to rule abiding by the Laws and loving Jesus to avoid the Eternal Damnation that he's created for me if I fail.

However, despite this, I would appreciate a fair warning if I crossed the line without being aware of it.. I am after all... a little more "oddly designed" in my Natural form.

Thank you
So have you gone through a de-witching ceremony yet? Any of the senior pastors can get you exorcised if they aren't backed up. (Landover pastors are always in demand because of their direct hotline to the LORD) As I said earlier, I'd sing with you if you're into it.



Demons gotta go first, though. No exceptions.
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Default Re: Former witch looking for Jesus! - 10-07-2013, 02:21 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mary Etheldreda View Post
Hello and welcome to our friendly forums! How wonderful for you to have such a tangible and unmistakable sign as proof that Jesus watches over you all the time! Most people have forgotten this, and only think about Him when they need something, not thinking that Jesus is always there, always watching! Always!

Have you started reading the Holy Bible yet? You should! It's God's love letter just to you (well, and to me, and to everyone, but it's still personal in a mysterious way if you don't think too hard about it)!
You look fat as shit lol
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Default Re: Former witch looking for Jesus! - 10-07-2013, 02:32 AM

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Originally Posted by Mathdebate View Post
You look fat as shit lol
And you look like an idiot, You probably think you're being a clever little boy. But trust me we will be the ones having the last laugh

Have fun burning in hell, trash
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Default Re: Former witch looking for Jesus! - 10-07-2013, 03:55 AM

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Originally Posted by Mathdebate View Post
You look fat as...
How dare you unbraid my dear friend Sister Etheldreda like that!

Do you think that looks are the most important thing about a True Christian™ woman like Mary?? Do you know how many healthy Christian children Mary has blessed her proud husband with? Do you know what it's like to have childbirth ruin your figure...what deep lines of worry caring for little ones etches in even the most devout mother's face? Do you know how a devout mother like Mary will sacrifice all her clothing allowance on the wee ones, buying only the cheapest and most unstylish "factory seconds" for herself?

How can you be so cruel?
.
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Default Re: Former witch looking for Jesus! - 10-07-2013, 10:08 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by 13th_Disciple View Post
I know as a woman I will hardly be able to get *anything* done right compared to a man
Do you have your husband's permission for being here?


CANCER is a state of mind! Time to stop ALL healthcare!!!
Follow me on Twitter or burn in Hell for all eternity!

To most "Christians" The Bible is like a license agreement. They just scroll to the bottom and click "I agree". All those "Christians" will burn in Hell!
James 2:10 "For whosoever shall keep the whole law, and yet offend in one point, he is guilty of all."
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Default Re: Former witch looking for Jesus! - 10-07-2013, 01:21 PM

13th_Disciple, are you sure you are really ready to leave your coven? Being a Christian means no more cauldron stuff and ESPECIALLY no more 'fur trading' or 'bumping bushes' with your other witch friends.
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