[Old Man Hatchet]

Breakfast cereal has played a major role in America's moral degradation. I have tirelessly combated the cereal industry over the decades. If not for my vigilance and fortitude, I don't think it's an overstatement to say that we would currently be living in a post-apocalyptic world where Fruity Pebbles are currency and dangerous mutants rove the bleak, corpse-addled countryside looking for free toys and mail-in offers. I've been successful in getting many sinful brands removed from store shelves, but unfortunately there's still much wickedness in the cereal aisle.

As a Christian parent, you will find the information contained in this thread invaluable. It would behoove you to print these Commandments. Put them on your refrigerator. Have them engraved on a plaque. Memorize them. Above all, follow them. They are tantamount to the biblical Ten Commandments.


1. Thou shalt avoid any cereal that has a Negro on the front of the box.



White children who consume such cereal begin to embrace Negro culture. If you were to give your little one a bowl of Urkelos, it wouldn't be long before he or she were holding up liquor stores and talking loudly in movie theaters.



2. Thou shalt never purchase cereal that has letter or number shapes.



Your child could conceivably scoop up a prostitute's phone number or an inappropriate word like "taint" or "evolution."



3. Thou shalt leave on the shelf any cereal that evokes cooters or tallywackers.



Muffets is a very suspicious-sounding name. Then you see that Muffets resemble big, hairy cooters, and your suspicions are confirmed.



Perhaps you think the powers-that-be at Kellogg's chose a rooster to be the Corn Flakes mascot because it is an apt symbol for morning and therefore breakfast. Well, you're an idiot. They chose a rooster to make your child subconsciously hanker for shlongs.

As if that weren't egregious enough, Kellogg's manufactured this filth:



Fortunately the public was properly repulsed by a phallus in a skimmer hat, and the cereal was discontinued.



4. Thou shalt pass over any cereal brands that advocate false religions.



If you bring even a single packet of Quaker oatmeal into your home, you could bring God's wrath down upon you. Also, Quaker products will turn your son into a wuss who dresses funny and respects women.



5. Thou shalt not put occult-based cereal in your shopping cart.



Lucky Charms contain strange talismans. More than likely, General Mills is using sorcery to make your child gay and/or worship Satan.



If there's a ghost on the box, you run the risk of bringing evil spirits into your home--evil spirits that want to make your child gay.



6. Is there a cross-dressing mascot on the box? Thou shalt shield thy child's eyes and write thy congressperson when thou get home.



Tony the Tiger's dainty kerchief is a ploy by Kellogg's to turn boys into transvestites.



7. Thou shalt not buy fruity cereal.

Fruit-flavored cereal turns boys queer, doubly so if they're anus-shaped, like Froot Loops.





8. Thou shalt never stock thy pantry with Frankenberry.

Frankenberry is the worst cereal on the market. The pink packaging alone should be a warning sign to any discerning, Christian parent. Its name is a disgusting play on words that refers to male genitals--"frank" and "berries." Its mascot, an effeminate Frankenstein's monster, has a buttocks-shaped head.



He also has strawberry fingernails. Strawberry fingernails. You can't get much gayer than that. Furthermore, he's wearing chains as suspenders. That smacks of S&M. I am flabbergasted that no one at General Mills has been imprisoned for this monstrosity.



9. Thou shalt pay close attention to both sides of the cereal box.



Disregard the back of a cereal box, and before you know it your home has been turned into a gay bathhouse or your child has been enrolled in Ding Dong School. You don't need much of an imagination to envision what goes on at Ding Dong School.



10. Thou art permitted to give thy children Ezekiel Cereal.



Ezekiel 4:9 Take thou also unto thee wheat, and barley, and beans, and lentiles, and millet, and fitches, and put them in one vessel, and make thee bread thereof, [according] to the number of the days that thou shalt lie upon thy side, three hundred and ninety days shalt thou eat thereof.

That's a name you can trust. And if the Bible verse after which it is named is any indicator, it contains "fitches." Dictionary.com tells us that a fitch is "a chiefly nocturnal European carnivorous mammal of the weasel family that ejects a malodorous fluid to mark its territory and ward off enemies" or "a black aromatic seed still used as a flavoring in the East." I don't know which is an ingredient in Ezekiel Cereal, but they both sound yummy. In any case, it's not about what's in it, but what's not on it--a gay character. The only way it could get better is if our own Pastor Ezekiel were adopted as this delightful cereal's mascot.