[Cranky Old Man]

"A lifetime of wisdom freely given to all."

Being a 83 year old True Christian™, having 9 sons, even some daughters and over 100 grandchildren, I know a lot about raising children. Since I get a lot of questions about how children should be raised, I decided to write this guide so everyone can read the very important things I have to say about this. Please don't waste my time with stupid questions about this guide.

Read all of them: Cranky Old Man's Easy Guide to MAKING CHILDREN, RAISING CHILDREN and GETTING RID OF CHILDREN!

Raising babies (age 0-6)
Babies are annoying. Just ignore them. If they make to much noise, just hit them with a rod, as God demands from us in Proverbs 23:13-14, until they stop doing that. If your wife ignores 1st Timothy 2:11-12 and starts complaining about you hitting the baby, they tend to do that in the beginning, just hit your wife with the same rod until she stops doing that. Usually a few good beatings will make sure everyone knows their place in the household again. If not, a larger piece of wood will do the trick.

Raising young children (age 6-12)
At the age of 6 you can give your child his first gun and learn him how to hunt down and kill animals. Start with small animals, like the neighbors cats, and slowly work up to the bigger animals. Once they are 6 you can start homeschooling them. Learn them how to read, write, do math and also spend some time on history and geography. Learn them enough so they understand why they have to vote Republican. Most important is of course to make them memorize and understand the entire KJV1611 Holy Bible.

Raising older children (age 12-18)
By the time your child is 12 years old, your child should have fully memorized the KJV1611 Holy Bible. If not just give them a daily beating with the Bible on their head until they do. It's also very important that your child learns to work hard, as demanded by Proverbs 12:24. Make sure they work at least 60 hours a week and if they earn money with that make sure you get all of it. The best way to learn a child the value of a dollar is to never let them spend one.

Toys, video games and pop music? NO!
Except for hunting and Bible Study there is no need for any other forms of entertainment. If some idiot gives your child a toy for his birthday, just smash it into pieces immediately and explain that you prefer the child not to burn in hell. After that kick the idiot out of your house. Usually your child starts crying when this happens. Make sure to blame the idiot for that and if that doesn't help beat the child until it stops crying. This might take a while. It goes without saying that children should not watch TV and never listen to MP3 players. Learning them computer skills is useful though in this day and age, but make sure the computer only gives them access to proper and safe information like the KJV1611 Holy Bible.

Sex? NO!
At some point your child will become sexually active. It seems to be unavoidable that children start to masturbate at some point. When this happens you have to do two things. First of all you have to stop the child from masturbating by giving it the hardest beating of his entire life. Repeat this until the masturbation phase is over. If for some reason your child refuses to stop masturbating, you have no choice but to cut of his hand, as demanded by Mark 9:43, to force the issue. Second you need to explain to the child that it should never have sex, ever. Some parents over complicate these things by adding "until you are married" to that, but I prefer to keep it simple. Abstinence, abstinence and then some more abstinence! You can explain the rest on the day they get married. There are some very helpful sections on these matters in the Holy Bible: Genesis 38:9-10, Matthew 5:28, 1st Corinthians 6:18-19 and of course 1st Corinthians 7:2.

Never EVER talk with children!
Children, like wives, are to obey your every command. Once the child starts talking back it is very important to nip that in the bud immediately. Give the child a very firm beating to make it understand it should never talk back to you. If your child doesn't bleed, the beating has not been firm enough. Make sure you don't beat the child unconscious though, as that will reduce the effect of the beating. This might take some practice.

Raising girls...
Don't waste any times on those. Let your wife take care of them. Make sure your girls have a lot of work to do like helping your wife repairing damaged furniture, remove pet hairs and stains from carpets, clean up spills, clean your personal toilet every time you used it, remove stains from clothes, remove weird odors, clean the windows, fix your car, clean the face of your fireplace every day, remove candle wax from the carpet and all that other stuff they should not bother you with. Making sure your daughters work very hard all the time as that builds character. Girls should never talk in your presence. You should not even be aware they are capable of talking. As explained in Genesis 3:16, listening and obeying commands should be their most important skills.

Conclusion
Congratulations! You now know everything you need to know about raising children. The best way to conclude this guide is of course with the word of God: Ephesians 6:1 "Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right."

[Benedict A. Davis]

As communication and interaction with your children should be, short and to the point. Another job well done sir.

[Warner S. Davidson]

Brother Cranky:

What a relief that a correct and simple strategy for raising good and productive True Christian™ children has finally been placed in here

No namby pamby counseling, naughty chairs, quiet time or time out just good wholesome and effective tough love.

No kindergarten, daycare or play dates and other fruitless distraction brought about by the earthly agents of Satan

If this approach had been taken by the Parents of such life-failed trainwrecks such as Lindsay Lohan, Chelsea Clinton, Ellen Degenres, Millie Cyrus and Danny Bonaduce, their disgusting lives might actually amounted to something

Praise Jesus for Brother Cranky's proven and common sense approach to parenting

[Sister Christina]

Thank you so much for sharing your experiences with us, COM.
I wish I would have had this guide to follow 8 years ago. Parenting would have been so much easier.

I sure will be using this in the future. Glory!

[GoodRacist]

Originally Posted by Cranky Old Man

"A lifetime of wisdom freely given to all."

Babies are annoying. Just ignore them. If they make to much noise, just hit them with a rod, as God demands from us in Proverbs 23:13-14, until they stop doing that.

What the hell is your problem?

If your wife ignores 1st Timothy 2:11-12 and starts complaining about you hitting the baby, they tend to do that in the beginning, just hit your wife with the same rod until she stops doing that. Usually a few good beatings will make sure everyone knows their place in the household again. If not, a larger piece of wood will do the trick.

Again, are you insane? Beating women is wrong/

At the age of 6 you can give your child his first gun and learn him how to hunt down and kill animals. Start with small animals, like the neighbors cats, and slowly work up to the bigger animals.

This is digusting!

Learn them enough so they understand why they have to vote Republican.
By the time your child is 12 years old, your child should have fully memorized the KJV1611 Holy Bible. If not just give them a daily beating with the Bible on their head until they do.

Sure, that'll do the trick.
Make sure they work at least 60 hours a week and if they earn money with that make sure you get all of it. The best way to learn a child the value of a dollar is to never let them spend one.
.....What.

Except for hunting and Bible Study there is no need for any other forms of entertainment.

Of course not.
If some idiot gives your child a toy for his birthday, just smash it into pieces immediately and explain that you prefer the child not to burn in hell. After that kick the idiot out of your house. Usually your child starts crying when this happens. Make sure to blame the idiot for that and if that doesn't help beat the child until it stops crying. This might take a while. What does that do for you?? I guess it feeds your insatiable desire to beat children.

At some point your child will become sexually active. It seems to be unavoidable that children start to masturbate at some point. When this happens you have to do two things. First of all you have to stop the child from masturbating by giving it the hardest beating of his entire life. Repeat this until the masturbation phase is over. If for some reason your child refuses to stop masturbating, you have no choice but to cut of his hand, as demanded by Mark 9:43, to force the issue.

Grand idea, Ol sport.
Children, like wives, are to obey your every command. Once the child starts talking back it is very important to nip that in the bud immediately. Give the child a very firm beating to make it understand it should never talk back to you. If your child doesn't bleed, the beating has not been firm enough. Make sure you don't beat the child unconscious though, as that will reduce the effect of the beating. This might take some practice.
And this is being a good parent? What about giving your child a role model, someone to look up to and talk to about life, sexuality, etc.?

Don't waste any times on those. Let your wife take care of them.
Make sure your girls have a lot of work to do like helping your wife repairing damaged furniture, remove pet hairs and stains from carpets, clean up spills, clean your personal toilet every time you used it, remove stains from clothes, remove weird odors, clean the windows, fix your car, clean the face of your fireplace every day, remove candle wax from the carpet and all that other stuff they should not bother you with.
Girls should never talk in your presence. You should not even be aware they are capable of talking.
Wow, and that isn't the most sexist thing I've ever read!
Conclusion
Congratulations! You're crazy, all right!

[Cranky Old Man]

Originally Posted by GoodRacist

This is digusting!

Hunting is disgusting? Are you a vegetarian?

And this is being a good parent? What about giving your child a role model, someone to look up to and talk to about life, sexuality, etc.?

There is no better role model than properly raising your own children. I raised my children exactly the same way my father raised me.

[La Purga]

Originally Posted by Cranky Old Man

Hunting is disgusting? Are you a vegetarian?

There is no better role model than properly raising your own children. I raised my children exactly the same way my father raised me.

That's exactly why you're insane.

[BelieverInGod]

Originally Posted by Cranky Old Man

Hunting is disgusting? Are you a vegetarian?

There is no better role model than properly raising your own children. I raised my children exactly the same way my father raised me.

Although I agree with you, this really should be titled "Mens guide to raising children", us women need to get a little more involved.

As for hunting, he's probably one of those silly twits that think meat magically appears at Safeway.

[Mr fool (Quarantined)]

Cranky Old Man;579395]"A lifetime of wisdom freely given to all."

Being a 73 year old True Christian™, having 9 sons, even some daughters and over 100 grandchildren, I know a lot about raising children. Since I get a lot of questions about how children should be raised, I decided to write this guide so everyone can read the very important things I have to say about this. Please don't waste my time with stupid questions about this guide.

See also: Cranky Old Man's Easy 8 Step Guide to MAKING CHILDREN![/quote]

Raising babies (age 0-6)
Babies are annoying. Just ignore them. If they make to much noise, just hit them with a rod, as God demands from us in Proverbs 23:13-14, until they stop doing that. If your wife ignores 1st Timothy 2:11-12 and starts complaining about you hitting the baby, they tend to do that in the beginning, just hit your wife with the same rod until she stops doing that. Usually a few good beatings will make sure everyone knows their place in the household again. If not, a larger piece of wood will do the trick.

If you hit a baby they will start crying more? You'll have to be nice and kind to them and their sad feelings will go away
P.S don't beat your wife, she might leave you.

Raising young children (age 6-12)
At the age of 6 you can give your child his first gun and learn him how to hunt down and kill animals. Start with small animals, like the neighbors cats, and slowly work up to the bigger animals. Once they are 6 you can start homeschooling them. Learn them how to read, write, do math and also spend some time on history and geography. Learn them enough so they understand why they have to vote Republican. Most important is of course to make them memorize and understand the entire KJV1611 Holy Bible.

6 year olds should not handle guns and especially not bein taught to kill other peoples pets.
Yes you can learn them to read, write, math and maybe history and geography (might be to hard in their age).
Learning them the bible depends on what religion you have.

Raising older children (age 12-18)
By the time your child is 12 years old, your child should have fully memorized the KJV1611 Holy Bible. If not just give them a daily beating with the Bible on their head until they do. It's also very important that your child learns to work hard, as demanded by Proverbs 12:24. Make sure they work at least 60 hours a week and if they earn money with that make sure you get all of it. The best way to learn a child the value of a dollar is to never let them spend one.

Once again, don't hit your child because it's mean and illegal.
A child should start working 60 hours a week atleast after they have finished school.
What? you should not take your childs money that he earned? Teach them spend money and that wasting it is bad. You can ask to take it if you REALLY REALLY need it for something REALLY important.

Toys, video games and pop music? NO!
Except for hunting and Bible Study there is no need for any other forms of entertainment. If some idiot gives your child a toy for his birthday, just smash it into pieces immediately and explain that you prefer the child not to burn in hell. After that kick the idiot out of your house. Usually your child starts crying when this happens. Make sure to blame the idiot for that and if that doesn't help beat the child until it stops crying. This might take a while. It goes without saying that children should not watch TV and never listen to MP3 players. Learning them computer skills is useful though in this day and age, but make sure the computer only gives them access to proper and safe information like the KJV1611 Holy Bible.

Why would you destroy a kids toy? That's close to being evil for crying out loud.
And know this: Beating your child will NOT make it anyless noiser, it will make it scream even higher so the neighbours hear it! So don't hit your child, beat someone in your own size.

Sex? NO!
At some point your child will become sexually active. It seems to be unavoidable that children start to masturbate at some point. When this happens you have to do two things. First of all you have to stop the child from masturbating by giving it the hardest beating of his entire life. Repeat this until the masturbation phase is over. If for some reason your child refuses to stop masturbating, you have no choice but to cut of his hand, as demanded by Mark 9:43, to force the issue. Second you need to explain to the child that it should never have sex, ever. Some parents over complicate these things by adding "until you are married" to that, but I prefer to keep it simple. Abstinence, abstinence and then some more abstinence! You can explain the rest on the day they get married. There are some very helpful sections on these matters in the Holy Bible: Genesis 38:9-10, Matthew 5:28, 1st Corinthians 6:18-19 and of course 1st Corinthians 7:2.

This is the hardest part for a parent to learn their kid! And no DO NOT cut off your kids hands, how will he then be able to hold a gun, a bible or to even do anything normal? Think before you act! And don't beat it up because when he starts doin his little private thing he will probably be big enough to defend himself!

Never EVER talk with children!
Children, like wives, are to obey your every command. Once the child starts talking back it is very important to nip that in the bud immediately. Give the child a very firm beating to make it understand it should never talk back to you. If your child doesn't bleed, the beating has not been firm enough. Make sure you don't beat the child unconscious though, as that will reduce the effect of the beating. This might take some practice.

So if the kid didn't hear you he shouldn't ask what you've told him?
Never EVER hit your child? Is that so hard? confiscate something precious to it instead of beating it up.

Raising girls...
Don't waste any times on those. Let your wife take care of them. Make sure your girls have a lot of work to do like helping your wife repairing damaged furniture, remove pet hairs and stains from carpets, clean up spills, clean your personal toilet every time you used it, remove stains from clothes, remove weird odors, clean the windows, fix your car, clean the face of your fireplace every day, remove candle wax from the carpet and all that other stuff they should not bother you with. Making sure your daughters work very hard all the time as that builds character. Girls should never talk in your presence. You should not even be aware they are capable of talking. As explained in Genesis 3:16, listening and obeying commands should be their most important skills.

If it's a girl or a boy doesn't matter, raise them equally because they are both living persons.
You've got it all wrong! You have to be nice and soft to your children so it makes everybody happy!

Conclusion
Congratulations! You now know everything you need to know about raising children. The best way to conclude this guide is of course with the word of God: Ephesians 6:1 "Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right."

[/quote]

Congratulations? IF you do as this text says you've just become evil, beating up kids is evil.

''Children, obey your parents ''in the lord'': for this is right.

THIS MEANS: When your parents are inside the lord children should start obeying parents. Which makes little to no sense at all

[Cranky Old Man]

Originally Posted by Mr fool

If you hit a baby they will start crying more?

If that happens, you just have to hit harder.

You'll have to be nice and kind to them and their sad feelings will go away

You clearly didn't bother to look at the scripture I provided. Too lazy to click on some links? Allow me to do it for you:

Proverbs 23:13-14 "Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die. Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell."

Proverbs 13:24 "He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes."

So you can learn two things here. If you love your child, hit it. If you hate your child, do not hit it. The Bible is very clear on that.

Also if you refuse to hit your child, the Bible clearly states, it will end up in hell!

6 year olds should not handle guns and especially not bein taught to kill other peoples pets.

You would prefer them to kill the owners of those pets? Although I can sympathize with that, God does not allow us to kill people, that is unless he specifically commands us to kill them.

What? you should not take your childs money that he earned? Teach them spend money and that wasting it is bad. You can ask to take it if you REALLY REALLY need it for something REALLY important.

Nonsense, kids do not need money.

So don't hit your child, beat someone in your own size.

Are you my size?

This is the hardest part for a parent to learn their kid! And no DO NOT cut off your kids hands, how will he then be able to hold a gun, a bible or to even do anything normal?

Again you failed to look in the Bible, which is very clear on this: Mark 9:43 "And if thy hand offend thee, cut it off: it is better for thee to enter into life maimed, than having two hands to go into hell, into the firethat never shall be quenched".

Never EVER hit your child? Is that so hard? confiscate something precious to it instead of beating it up.

You would steal from your own children? That is horrible!

You have to be nice and soft to your children so it makes everybody happy!

Why do you want to please satan?

[Mr fool (Quarantined)]

Cranky Old Man;581624]If that happens, you just have to hit harder.

Oh yeah! Great idea...one problem...it will start yell and cry even more!!

You clearly didn't bother to look at the scripture I provided. Too lazy to click on some links? Allow me to do it for you:

Proverbs 23:13-14 "Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die. Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell."

Proverbs 13:24 "He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes."

So you can learn two things here. If you love your child, hit it. If you hate your child, do not hit it. The Bible is very clear on that.

Also if you refuse to hit your child, the Bible clearly states, it will end up in hell!

I would rather worry about my kids health and wellbeing then listen to a book.

You would prefer them to kill the owners of those pets? Although I can sympathize with that, God does not allow us to kill people, that is unless he specifically commands us to kill them.

Kids should not handle guns or weapons at all in that age.

Nonsense, kids do not need money.

Well then the first time they get it when they are old they will not know what to do with then to spend it relentlessly.
Teach them how money works and that it should only be spent on neccesary things.

Are you my size?

Nope! You look a little too little from up here

Again you failed to look in the Bible, which is very clear on this: Mark 9:43 "And if thy hand offend thee, cut it off: it is better for thee to enter into life maimed, than having two hands to go into hell, into the firethat never shall be quenched".

Bad idea, what is he going to tell people who asks him: OMG what happend?

You would steal from your own children? That is horrible!

Don't misunderstand me.
Confiscate his toy or something and tell him he can get it back when he has calmed down and said he was sorry or something depending on what he did.

[/quote]
Why do you want to please satan?[/QUOTE]

Making your kids happy pleases satan? Nonono that is not my picture of satan. I thought satan was evil! Satan would be pleased to see people suffer, not reverse!
God or jesus may get pleased when they see a happy family!

[BelieverInGod]

Originally Posted by Mr fool

Oh yeah! Great idea...one problem...it will start yell and cry even more!!



I would rather worry about my kids health and wellbeing then listen to a book.



Kids should not handle guns or weapons at all in that age.



Well then the first time they get it when they are old they will not know what to do with then to spend it relentlessly.
Teach them how money works and that it should only be spent on neccesary things.



Nope! You look a little too little from up here



Bad idea, what is he going to tell people who asks him: OMG what happend?



Don't misunderstand me.
Confiscate his toy or something and tell him he can get it back when he has calmed down and said he was sorry or something depending on what he did.


Making your kids happy pleases satan? Nonono that is not my picture of satan. I thought satan was evil! Satan would be pleased to see people suffer, not reverse!
God or jesus may get pleased when they see a happy family!

You don't have children, I can tell.

[Sister Charli]

Originally Posted by Cranky Old Man

Congratulations! You now know everything you need to know about raising children. The best way to conclude this guide is of course with the word of God: Ephesians 6:1 "Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right."

What fabulous advice for a beginner parent Mr Cranky.

Thank you very much.

[Mr fool (Quarantined)]

Originally Posted by BelieverInGod

You don't have children, I can tell.

I don't need to have any to understand that this is wrong!

He says to hit your kid! Hitting/beating kids is against the law for crying out loud!



@Sistercharli
No don't follow these instructions, again hitting or beating your kid is against the law! And dismemberment too.

Poor children

[Cranky Old Man]

Originally Posted by Mr fool

I don't need to have any to understand that this is wrong! He says to hit your kid! Hitting/beating kids is against the law for crying out loud!

You could not be more wrong. It is against God's law not to beat your children!

Proverbs 23:13-14 "Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die. Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell."

Proverbs 13:24 "He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes."

[BelieverInGod]

Originally Posted by Mr fool

I don't need to have any to understand that this is wrong!

He says to hit your kid! Hitting/beating kids is against the law for crying out loud!



@Sistercharli
No don't follow these instructions, again hitting or beating your kid is against the law! And dismemberment too.

Poor children

Yep, it's amazing how the childless are such experts at how to raise children.

Yes, I hit my kids. I have a lightning fast back of the head cuff, and that's only my quick response. Their father gets a hold of them and they don't sit down for a few days.

Funny how children were so much happier and more respectful when beating your children was the norm.

[Mr fool (Quarantined)]

Originally Posted by BelieverInGod

Yep, it's amazing how the childless are such experts at how to raise children.

Are you saying im right?

Yes, I hit my kids. I have a lightning fast back of the head cuff, and that's only my quick response. Their father gets a hold of them and they don't sit down for a few days.

Poor beings
A better idea than to beat your children is to confiscate their i.e favorite toy or something, tell them that they can have it back when they have said they're sorry and really means it!

Funny how children were so much happier and more respectful when beating your children was the norm.

Happier? No! More respectful? Probably since for almost everything you do you get beaten for!

[Cranky Old Man]

Originally Posted by Mr fool

A better idea than to beat your children is to confiscate their i.e favorite toy or something

So you are promoting stealing from your own children?

[Levi Jones]

Originally Posted by Mr fool

Happier? No! More respectful? Probably since for almost everything you do you get beaten for!

Aw.... Are you mad because daddy loved you enough to hit you with the belt?

My daddy would make me take my pants down first. He was just that concerned with my well being. I'm sure he only wanted to make sure I didn't have a book in my back side.

[Rev. M. Rodimer]

Brother Cranky, do you have any 6-year-old grandchildren?

I believe Brother Nobar is still having trouble with Mrs. Johnson's cats digging up his garden over in Jenkem Flats.