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Default I proclaim AUTHORITY over coronavirus and this church! - 04-02-2020, 02:01 AM

Friends I am sorry you have not heard from me, as I was in the hospital on a ventilator, and was thus unable to charge my phone. Also, the WiFi was not very good at the hospital.

I was at death's door from the COVID-19, but in my darkest hour, when it appeared even the ventilator could not help me, I received a miraculous vision!



As I drowned in my own sickening lung fluid, the Angel Gabriel appeared to me and said, "I have a very important message for you."

Naturally I could not speak with a tube down my throat, but I gargled at the blessed apparition, "Ynnnn hghgh n vrrn mmmphrtnt msss nst phrree mmmggh?"

Being an emissary of the Lord, Gabriel psychically knew I was trying to say, "You have a very important message just for me?"

The angel gently corrected me, saying, "Nay, child, I carry a message for you, which the Lord has decreed you shall in turn carry forth to all His followers!"

It was then that Gabriel informed me Christ has given me authority over all illness, including the dread coronavirus.

I am ashamed to admit even in the presence of an angel of the Lord, my faith was weak, and I refused to believe such power had been placed in my unworthy hands!

Gabriel then shared with me the following verse:

Quote:
Genesis 1:28

And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth.

"Is not a virus a living thing that moveth?" the angel asked me.

I conceded that was true.


"Then you have authority over the virus!" Gabriel thundered!


Gabriel then commanded me to recite from memory Mark 13:34, Luke 7:3-9, Luke 9:1, and Matthew 10:8.

Fortunately, Gabriel could again use his Lord powers to hear my thoughts, so I wasn't required to attempt to speak while intubated!

"Do you see now, that you have authority over all disease?"


I told the angel I could not deny what he said.


"Then arise," Gabriel commanded me, "Rip that tube from your throat and arise from that bed this instant, for you are HEALED!"


I did exactly that, and blood splattered forth from my gasping maw, as ripping a ventilator tube from one's throat is a somewhat violent act.

A loud alarm on the ventilator pierced the air, and nurses and orderlies came running, but when they saw the blood dripping down my face, and saw me standing on my bed in a dramatic God-praising posture, they fearfully kept their distance.

I thanked the angel and gave even greater thanks to Jesus, but Gabriel wasn't done with me!


He then said, "It is not enough you take authority over this disease and heal those who suffer from it."


I asked Gabriel to continue, and what he said next truly shook me to the core of my being.

"The Landover Baptist Church is a boat becalmed," Gabriel said, "Jesus' followers need a new pilot at the rudder, a firm hand to gently guide them back on course."

I told the Godly apparition I didn't understand.

"That hand is you, brother Faith," the angel told me, "God wants you to assume control of the church's executive office and all who report to it!"


But what about our beloved Pastor Ezekiel Flint?


Gabriel said, "Pastor Flint is a good and true servant of the Lord, and he shall be as your right hand, carrying out the instructions you will convey to Ezekiel from the Most High!"


There were many details the angel spoke to me about, including what to do with the monies currently sitting in Pastor Zeke's new airplane fund, but that's a bit much to get into here.


Your first order of business as my God's faithful servants shall be to secure my release from the facility in which I am currently housed.

I regret to say the mostly unsaved staff at the hospital did not understand the revelations I sought to share with them, and became unreasonably alarmed when I attempted to lay my bloody hands on my fellow ICU patients, that I might order the coronavirus to leave their bodies.

I was therefore placed on a 72-hour psychiatric hold. It is only by the grace of God another inmate here had been able to smuggle his phone in, and is allowing me to use it.

I instruct you to dispatch our legal team forthwith. Kindly have them serve papers for my release at the following address:


Zuckerberg San Francisco General
Emergency Department
1001 Potrero Ave.
San Francisco, CA 94110


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Default Re: I proclaim AUTHORITY over coronavirus and this church! - 04-02-2020, 11:25 AM

Why the ventilator? Why the hospital?

It seems to me prayer should have been the solution here.


Freedom means voting for Donald Trump!
To most "Christians" The Bible is like a license agreement. They just scroll to the bottom and click "I agree". All those "Christians" will burn in Hell!
James 2:10 "For whosoever shall keep the whole law, and yet offend in one point, he is guilty of all."
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Default Re: I proclaim AUTHORITY over coronavirus and this church! - 04-02-2020, 11:35 AM

Never mind all that; I need you to get me out of here! Have you contacted Landover Security? Tell them to send a helicopter and an ops team for a high-risk exfiltration!


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Default Re: I proclaim AUTHORITY over coronavirus and this church! - 04-02-2020, 12:35 PM

Nice to meet you Faith Machine. Sorry to hear you were infected with The Chinese virus. No doubt you got it from a negro hootin and hollerin like the ignorant monkey he was. White Jesus knows they ignore 1 Corinthians 6:19 What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost [which is] in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own?

Why do you have armed security around you anyway in that hospital? Is it to keep an infected negro from increasing your viral load? I’d be willing to take up the job as your armed security. I know as a white man you probably won’t pay me as much as a rapper or black politician, but being a security guard for a Christian white man such as yourself would be a privilege and look real good on my resume.
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Default Re: I proclaim AUTHORITY over coronavirus and this church! - 04-02-2020, 01:11 PM

Sir,

Right now, you are barking up the wrong tree. LBC's Security is the best on God's Earth. Let them handle the situation.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Uncle Rutherford View Post
Nice to meet you Faith Machine. Sorry to hear you were infected with The Chinese virus. No doubt you got it from a negro hootin and hollerin like the ignorant monkey he was. White Jesus knows they ignore 1 Corinthians 6:19 What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost [which is] in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own?

Why do you have armed security around you anyway in that hospital? Is it to keep an infected negro from increasing your viral load? I’d be willing to take up the job as your armed security. I know as a white man you probably won’t pay me as much as a rapper or black politician, but being a security guard for a Christian white man such as yourself would be a privilege and look real good on my resume.


In Christ,

Thomas K. White (That's Mr. White to you Sinners! )

Rev 20:11-15
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Default Re: I proclaim AUTHORITY over coronavirus and this church! - 04-02-2020, 02:08 PM

Well, the Wuhan COVID-19 virus is not a "living" thing as we've come to understand it - the scientists anyway.

Think back there Faith_Machine - did Gabriel say anything else? Did he talk about you giving up Camlel trading and writing a book? Did he mention anything about starting a new religion?


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brothers, lift your voices, loud your anthems raise.
...and get off my lawn
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Default Re: I proclaim AUTHORITY over coronavirus and this church! - 04-03-2020, 02:35 AM

Look, I DEMAND YOU GET ME OUT OF HERE!

There are two days left on this 72-hour hold, and if I'm still in this place when we reach the end of that period, there are going to be some BIG changes.



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Default Re: I proclaim AUTHORITY over coronavirus and this church! - 04-03-2020, 03:38 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Faith_Machine View Post
Look, I DEMAND YOU GET ME OUT OF HERE!

There are two days left on this 72-hour hold, and if I'm still in this place when we reach the end of that period, there are going to be some BIG changes.

Alright alright calm down. I can see you weren’t supposed to be infected and you’re acting just fine. Lucky for you one of the jobs I have came with a security guard uniform. I’ll help you white man. I don’t expect much from you other than to have the opportunity to bask in great Christian whiteness and learn from the white man like yourself. I remember Hebrews 13:16 But to do good and to communicate forget not; for with such sacrifices God is well pleased. See, I ain’t like the other darkies. I work and can read! On my way now Faith Machine.
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Default Re: I proclaim AUTHORITY over coronavirus and this church! - 04-03-2020, 03:44 AM

I'm sorry, but did this unsaved gentleman just instruct me to CALM DOWN!?!!?!?!!????!!!!????


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Default Re: I proclaim AUTHORITY over coronavirus and this church! - 04-03-2020, 03:47 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Faith_Machine View Post
I'm sorry, but did this unsaved gentleman just instruct me to CALM DOWN!?!!?!?!!????!!!!????
My apologies white man. I just figured you were so excited for having talked to an angel while on the ventilator. I know hospital folk can do nasty things to people when they appear as though they’re in a hurry. If you want me to rescind my offer I can do that on request. I’m just so new to this and look up to the white man and White Jesus hoping that some day when I die that the golden gates of Heaven will open up and I can meet my hero Ronald Reagan.
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Default Re: I proclaim AUTHORITY over coronavirus and this church! - 04-03-2020, 04:32 AM

I'm sorry young Mr. Rutherford, it's not you I'm upset with. I just can not believe our church's officials are sitting around playing poker and getting lost inside a bottle of brandy while I am sitting here in the looney bin like some indigent drug addict.


I think God is very offended by this!


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Default Re: I proclaim AUTHORITY over coronavirus and this church! - 04-03-2020, 04:44 AM

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Originally Posted by Faith_Machine View Post
...sitting here in the looney bin like some indigent drug addict...
Have you thought of leading a sing-along with your fellow residents, to pass the time?




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Rebuke Re: I proclaim AUTHORITY over coronavirus and this church! - 04-03-2020, 07:24 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Faith_Machine View Post
Look, I DEMAND YOU GET ME OUT OF HERE!

There are two days left on this 72-hour hold, and if I'm still in this place when we reach the end of that period, there are going to be some BIG changes.

BIG changes, indeed!Big Item: My septic tank now holds 8 additional metric tons of waster matter that you need to take care of!
Another Big Item: My houseboys (COVID-tested, clean and obedient) will henceforth continue to be your superiors, also the 14 yo's.
Big Item: Here are some instructions:


The manhole is where you enter and I see no reason for you to exit any day soon.

Big Change: due to the coronavirus outbreak I have been praying some extra hours (and all the millions of Americans who have not caught it have only me and Jesus to thank for!) and the tithes only cover as much. Your tithes/household income that you can save (10:90) will be overturned until the end of the restrictions that I recommended the Donald take.AND there's no End in sight except when my Pal Jesus comes.

Quote:
Do all things without murmurings and disputings:
Philippians 2:14


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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Default Re: I proclaim AUTHORITY over coronavirus and this church! - 04-03-2020, 08:33 AM

Quote:
Do all things without murmurings and disputings:
Philippians 2:14
Does that apply to the secure wing of the nuthouse? We know what actual angels do:
Acts 12:4-11a When [Herod] had apprehended [Peter] he put him in prison, and delivered him to four quaternions of soldiers to keep him; intending after Easter to bring him forth to the people. Peter therefore was kept in prison: but prayer was made without ceasing of the church unto God for him. And when Herod would have brought him forth, the same night Peter was sleeping between two soldiers, bound with two chains: and the keepers before the door kept the prison. And, behold, the angel of the Lord came upon him, and a light shined in the prison: and he smote Peter on the side, and raised him up, saying, Arise up quickly. And his chains fell off from his hands. And the angel said unto him, Gird thyself, and bind on thy sandals. And so he did. And he saith unto him, Cast thy garment about thee, and follow me. And he went out, and followed him; and wist not that it was true which was done by the angel; but thought he saw a vision. When they were past the first and the second ward, they came unto the iron gate that leadeth unto the city; which opened to them of his own accord: and they went out, and passed on through one street; and forthwith the angel departed from him. And when Peter was come to himself, he said, Now I know of a surety, that the Lord hath sent his angel
There were no helicopters, unless someone thinks "angel" is a code word for "helicopter" I suppose, no earthquakes, no atomic disrupter beams; given what Peter was detained for I think we can say that he was in a Roman psych. unit because one thing Romans understood quite well was who was sane and who was not. Hence their electoral system. The following clip contains some soothing music.

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Default Re: I proclaim AUTHORITY over coronavirus and this church! - 04-03-2020, 10:24 AM

Pastor Zeke! My dear, dear friend Zeke! Oh, how I have longed to hear your voice and gaze upon your radiant countenance!


Please Ezekiel, I am begging you, GET ME OUT OF HERE!

If I have to spent one more night in this forsaken place, I fear I shall lose the will to live.


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Default Re: I proclaim AUTHORITY over coronavirus and this church! - 04-03-2020, 12:24 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
BIG changes, indeed!Big Item: My septic tank now holds 8 additional metric tons of waster matter that you need to take care of!
Another Big Item: My houseboys (COVID-tested, clean and obedient) will henceforth continue to be your superiors, also the 14 yo's.
Big Item: Here are some instructions:


The manhole is where you enter and I see no reason for you to exit any day soon.

Big Change: due to the coronavirus outbreak I have been praying some extra hours (and all the millions of Americans who have not caught it have only me and Jesus to thank for!) and the tithes only cover as much. Your tithes/household income that you can save (10:90) will be overturned until the end of the restrictions that I recommended the Donald take.AND there's no End in sight except when my Pal Jesus comes.
If that septic tank truly needs cleaning and has been neglected by the responsible workers, I would love to clean for the white Christian man. It would be an honor. Who in their right mind would neglect the duties given upon them by a pastor of God?
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Default Re: I proclaim AUTHORITY over coronavirus and this church! - 04-03-2020, 03:02 PM

Faith Machine, I have long known you to be a true True Christian™, but I seriously doubt that the Archangel Gabriel would deliver a message of this importance in a hospital named after a Jew.

Nevertheless, Church security should definitely arrange a rescue mission. Last time a church member spent more than a day in San Francisco, we lost him to the queer lifestlye. We need to liberate our brother or, if that proves impossible, euthanize him in place. Better to go to Heaven now than to burn for all eternity if they convert him to Satan worship, eating sourdough, and the other, unspeakable things they do in that den of vipers.


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Johny Joe Hold
for Vice President in 2024
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Default Re: I proclaim AUTHORITY over coronavirus and this church! - 04-03-2020, 09:26 PM

FM,

God has this! Don't despair!


Luke 21:28 King James Version (KJV)

28 And when these things begin to come to pass, then look up, and lift up your heads; for your redemption draweth nigh.


In Christ,

Thomas K. White (That's Mr. White to you Sinners! )

Rev 20:11-15
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Default Re: I proclaim AUTHORITY over coronavirus and this church! - 04-04-2020, 12:46 AM

Well they're apparently releasing me now. I have no money and they lost my shoes and belt, but they're giving me replacements. Could somebody please send me a Lyft or something so I can get to the airport?


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Default Re: I proclaim AUTHORITY over coronavirus and this church! - 04-04-2020, 01:05 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Faith_Machine View Post
Well they're apparently releasing me now. I have no money and they lost my shoes and belt, but they're giving me replacements. Could somebody please send me a Lyft or something so I can get to the airport?
Lucky for you driving a Lyft car is one of my several gigs I do. Funny how I can hold down so many jobs while a negro can’t seem to hold one. I’d be happy to drive you from Washington to Iowa for free as I love helping the white Christian folk, but it’s going to be a while as I’m in Georgia and have to sneak through state lockdown patrols. Is that acceptable? While driving you back I’d be happy to hear all about the encounters you’ve had as well. Have to bring my grand kids along though as they’d probably end up dead in an alleyway due to how rowdy they are. Just use the belt in the backseat to discipline them if they act like dumb monkeys. Do we have a deal?
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