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Default Re: 5 Tough Questions - 11-28-2006, 07:44 PM

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Originally Posted by Rachael Van Helsing View Post
Have a look at Darren's answers, landoverites. Right there are answers that would not get you castrated.
No, my dear Rachel.

Those are the answers given by someone ALREADY castrated.
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Default Re: 5 Tough Questions - 11-28-2006, 07:51 PM

What are you thinking about? Sweet Jesus.

Do you love me? Almost as much as I love Sweet Jesus.

Do I look fat? SWEET JESUS, that's one bodacious boo-tay! Gimme some sugar!

Do you think she is prettier than me? She's not nearly as sweet as you. Or Sweet Jesus.

What would you do if I died? LET'S FIND OUT, YOU INCESSANTLY NAGGING . . . Er, I mean, pray that Sweet Jesus would enjoy your bodacious boo-tay in Heaven as much as I enjoy it here. And still share it with me when I get there!
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Default Re: 5 Tough Questions - 11-30-2006, 02:12 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by OnYourKnees View Post
What are you thinking about? Sweet Jesus.

Do you love me? Almost as much as I love Sweet Jesus.

Do I look fat? SWEET JESUS, that's one bodacious boo-tay! Gimme some sugar!

Do you think she is prettier than me? She's not nearly as sweet as you. Or Sweet Jesus.

What would you do if I died? LET'S FIND OUT, YOU INCESSANTLY NAGGING . . . Er, I mean, pray that Sweet Jesus would enjoy your bodacious boo-tay in Heaven as much as I enjoy it here. And still share it with me when I get there!
Brother, are you speaking in tongues? What on earth can those words mean? Surely you wouldn't lower yourself to using unintelligible nigra street slang on God's favorite forum...


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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Default Re: 5 Tough Questions - 11-30-2006, 07:20 PM

Very funny topic, pastor Ezekiel!

With you, heaven won't be boring.
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Default Re: 5 Tough Questions - 11-30-2006, 08:49 PM

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Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
Brother, are you speaking in tongues? What on earth can those words mean? Surely you wouldn't lower yourself to using unintelligible nigra street slang on God's favorite forum...
My apologies, Pastor.

I believe I may have been tainted by my encounter with those three bucks I asked Remy about. I'd heard it rubs off!

I shall go to my dungeon -- er, basement prayer room -- with Rosa and have her help me purge my mind of such filth.
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Default Re: 5 Tough Questions - 12-02-2006, 08:52 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Marshall View Post
[/list]1:Killing Islamists for Jesus.
2:After Jesus? Sure. You're my silver medal.
3:Nothing a diet and eating less won't fix.
4:Of course I do, but she's not fat so do you blame me?
5:Try and get a newer model so I can make more babies for Jesus Army.
These are the best answers yet. No. 2 is my favourite. Your wife is certainly blessed, Marshall.


Tir'd, and despairing, O celestial maid,
I'm caught, I cry'd, without thy heav'nly aid.
Help me, Diana, help a nymph forlorn,
Devoted to the woods, who long has worn
Thy livery, and long thy quiver born.
- Ovid
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Default Re: 5 Tough Questions - 12-13-2006, 02:55 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
Brothers, we have all been in those uncomfortable situations when a woman starts asking questions that seem simple enough, but are actually satanic traps designed to ruin an entire weekend.

The 5 toughest questions a woman can ask a Man are:
  1. What are you thinking about?
  2. Do you love me?
  3. Do I look fat?
  4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
  5. What would you do if I died?

.
I'm afraid inspiration has never been my strong point.

For ANY of the questions above the answer is simple:

QUESTION (1 to 5)

ANSWER: "What?"

Repeated question (already a bit off-balance)

ANSWER: "Don't be silly woman!"

if any sound is uttered ...

ANSWER: "ts ts ts ts" (and gently but surely going for the whip... and the gag)

WORKS EVERY TIME! PRAISE THE LORD!
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Default Re: 5 Tough Questions - 12-13-2006, 03:47 AM

  1. What are you thinking about? Nothing Dear
  2. Do you love me? Every Night
  3. Do I look fat? HUH?
  4. Do you think she is prettier than me? Ye-What?
  5. What would you do if I died? Wonder off in the wilderness.
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Default Re: 5 Tough Questions - 12-15-2006, 04:59 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
Brothers, we have all been in those uncomfortable situations when a woman starts asking questions that seem simple enough, but are actually satanic traps designed to ruin an entire weekend.

The 5 toughest questions a woman can ask a Man are:
  1. What are you thinking about?
  2. Do you love me?
  3. Do I look fat?
  4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
  5. What would you do if I died?
1: Dunno
2: Yep
3: No
4: Nope
5: Dunno

O, sweet, simple answers, you can't go wrong! Of, course, if I had to really answer these questions, I would do so convincingly!
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Default Re: 5 Tough Questions - 07-29-2011, 04:48 AM

Shout GLORY!!


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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Default Re: 5 Tough Questions - 07-29-2011, 05:05 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me? Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Incorrect responses include:

  • Yes, but you have a better personality
  • Not prettier, but definitely thinner
  • Not as pretty as you, when you were her age
  • Define 'pretty'
  • Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
I think this is the most important of the relationship traps that you have mentioned. Unless you're REALLY LUCKY, it's likely that the woman you have sitting beside you right now is not Claudia Schiffer.

The most important thing you can do for the health of your relationship is to make your woman think that she is prettier than Claudia Schiffer.

The easiest way to do this is to keep telling her how beautiful she is. If Claudia Schiffer happens to walk by and your wife sees your eyes jumping out of your skull, look at her and tell her how beautiful she is. If you're having trouble getting the words our, just imagine Claudia Schiffer and pretend you're talking to her. The wife won't know the difference.

You don't have to be with the prettiest woman in the world; you just have to make her think that way. That seemed to work pretty well with my last girlfriend.


May you be a blessing to every life you touch.
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