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Jesus Investment Advice, Please - 01-16-2018, 08:05 PM

Today I received an envelope marked "URGENT! INVEST IN HEAVEN TODAY!" from a company called Celestial Storehouse. Inside was a reminder that we should not be collecting treasures here, but rather setting up for our Heavenly Home in Glory. Deuteronomy 32:34 speaks of God's storehouses (notice the plural; for you ladies, that means more than one).


Matthew 6:20 was mentioned in the personalized letter. I was told that rather than tithing to my local church, it is best to tithe to Jesus Himself by setting up a Celestial Storehouse with a recommended weekly donation of $15,000 or more. But that's not all! If I set up an account by February 1, I will also be guaranteed a part of the firmament to call my very own. Imagine all of your heavenly neighbors green with envy over the fact that they do not own a piece of the firmament, but YOU DO! Isn't that a great feeling? I am feeling like shouting Hallelujah. However, since I am an intelligent, handsome, well built certified equine gnathologist, I do not want to squander my riches in Glory. I am therefore coming to you, my brothers in Christ, to tell me what you think a fair price is for such an investment. Is $15,000 too pricey?


I believe in the firmament, as all Christians should - but what will be the need for ownership of it once we fly through the air to meet Jesus and have supper? Will there be charges for upkeep, or will that even be a concern in our mansion Jesus has prepared for us?


I hope I don't seem like a foolish child to worry about such things, but I want to do what's right. May God richly bless those who offer advice.


Proverbs 21:31 KJV 1611:
“The horse is prepared against the day of battell: but safetie is of the Lord.”

Lord, may I serve my equine brothers and sisters just as I do my fellow man.
Amen and Amen
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Default Re: Investment Advice, Please - 01-17-2018, 03:50 AM

I would say $15,000 would be about right for the low end. I have to agree that giving it all to Jesus would be the way to go. Hope this helps.
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Default Re: Investment Advice, Please - 01-17-2018, 07:07 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by BrotherLarry View Post
I was told that rather than tithing to my local church, it is best to tithe to Jesus Himself
My dear, innocent, trusting, gullible brother in Christ. You are a good man with a good heart, but.... You are the the charlatan's greatest hope.
Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves.
By their fruits you will recognize them. Are grapes gathered from thornbushes, or figs from thistles?
Matthew 7:15-16
What fruits does this corporation have that Landover Baptist Church lacks? Have you seen the latest plans for Pastor Zeke's jet? It's going to be grander and more opulent than President Trumps when it's all ready! The Agar wood (price per kilogram: $8,313!) and platinum trim will show the heathens in all the four corners of the earth just who God blesses the most! Far be it from me to tell you what to do, dear, but keep in mind there's no reason to skimp on your responsibilities to help provide the kind of pomp and circumstance befitting the Ambassador of Christ to the Lost that would herald the Coming of the LORD.


Hello, my name is Mary. I hope to fellowship with you! That is, unless you don't listen to church authority (Deuteronomy 17:12); are a witch (Exodus 22:17); are a homosexual (Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:24-32); or fortuneteller (Leviticus 20:27) or a snotty kid who hits their dad (Exodus 21:15); or curses their parents (Proverbs 20:20; Leviticus 20:9); an adulterer (Leviticus 20:10); a non-Christian (Exodus 22:19; Deuteronomy 13:7-12; Deuteronomy 17:2-5;Romans 1:24-32); an atheist (2 Chronicles 15:12-13); or false prophet (Zechariah 13:3); from the town of one who worships another, false god (Deuteronomy 13:13-19); were a non-virgin bride (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); or blasphemer (Leviticus 24:10-16), as God calls for your execution and will no doubt send you to Hell, and I have no interest developing a friendship with the Spiritually Walking Dead.

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Default Re: Investment Advice, Please - 01-17-2018, 01:09 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by BrotherLarry View Post
Today I received an envelope marked "URGENT! INVEST IN HEAVEN TODAY!" from a company called Celestial Storehouse. Inside was a reminder that we should not be collecting treasures here, but rather setting up for our Heavenly Home in Glory. Deuteronomy 32:34 speaks of God's storehouses (notice the plural; for you ladies, that means more than one).


Matthew 6:20 was mentioned in the personalized letter. I was told that rather than tithing to my local church, it is best to tithe to Jesus Himself by setting up a Celestial Storehouse with a recommended weekly donation of $15,000 or more. But that's not all! If I set up an account by February 1, I will also be guaranteed a part of the firmament to call my very own. Imagine all of your heavenly neighbors green with envy over the fact that they do not own a piece of the firmament, but YOU DO! Isn't that a great feeling? I am feeling like shouting Hallelujah. However, since I am an intelligent, handsome, well built certified equine gnathologist, I do not want to squander my riches in Glory. I am therefore coming to you, my brothers in Christ, to tell me what you think a fair price is for such an investment. Is $15,000 too pricey?


I believe in the firmament, as all Christians should - but what will be the need for ownership of it once we fly through the air to meet Jesus and have supper? Will there be charges for upkeep, or will that even be a concern in our mansion Jesus has prepared for us?


I hope I don't seem like a foolish child to worry about such things, but I want to do what's right. May God richly bless those who offer advice.
It always amazes me how consistent The Bible is. Deluded freaks will say something they made up last night, just before passing out from excessive fumes, is supported by God. For instance


OBADIAH 1 .KJV
5b
If the grapegatherers came to thee, would they not leave some grapes?


could support the delusion that one is a grape. Due to making grape vodka from family members the grapegatherers decided to crush the world for such wanton fratricide and, stumbling over the Kipp's generator prior to hitting the deck so getting a good lungful on the way down, Freak 1 imagines these gatherers in their mercy to leave some grapes unsquashed for regeneration.

Suddenly, hallucinating Freak 1 awakes. All around are grapes, blue grapes, red grapes, mauve, green and puce grapes some with legs some with wings and all singing. Freaks 2, 3, 4, 5 & 6 as Freak 1 is now convinced: "See, it says so right there in The Bible!!"
"The grapegatherers have been merciful leaving some grapes to generate after the great squashing; look! Do you not see grapes? Were they not spared?" but due to overlooking the context Obadiah 1:1-21 this wasted freak gets arrested trying to generate with Freak 6, the puce grape, which in reality was not a grape at all. Although seeming plausible, Freak 1 is exposed by a simple Bible reading.

I'm not going to show the fullest context concerning firmamental real estate but rely on the inerrant consistency of God's message highlighting a couple of passages which could be relevant. Has the salesperson detailed which firmament is offered here? I only ask because God has defined His terms so that we will know.

Genesis 1:7-8 .. Revelation 21:1
Revelation 22:5


God explains here that the firmament has a name. This is a temporary arrangement and The Bible is clear what happens to it. But we are not left abandoned, cast aside like pomace for methane production, but promised an eternal status in the second..permanent..scheme. Before investing a simple question referring to the passages I've cited may be prudent.
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Default Re: Investment Advice, Please - 01-18-2018, 01:34 PM

Peter Popoff, a minister who claims to talk to Jesus has personally sent me letters asking for my money so he can send it straight to Jesus. In return, I've received a holy string, a little vial of REAL HOLY WATER, and a blessed wristband so far. Utilizing these artifacts blessed by God is sure to bring good fortune back some day. I'm only at the 3000 mark though and haven't made it to the top tier to be saved yet. Maybe 15,000 would surely get you to the top with the help of Peter Popoff.
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Default Re: Investment Advice, Please - 01-18-2018, 02:44 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bubba Buck View Post
Peter Popoff, a minister who claims to talk to Jesus has personally sent me letters asking for my money so he can send it straight to Jesus. In return, I've received a holy string, a little vial of REAL HOLY WATER, and a blessed wristband so far. Utilizing these artifacts blessed by God is sure to bring good fortune back some day. I'm only at the 3000 mark though and haven't made it to the top tier to be saved yet. Maybe 15,000 would surely get you to the top with the help of Peter Popoff.
NOTHING involving "holy water" leads in any direction other than DOWN.

There is no such thing as ACTUAL holy water although criminals do market a product so labelled.
There is no such thing as holy string. Did the return address include the words "Kabbalah" or "Centre" by any chance?
I have yet to be shown how any inanimate object can attain "Blessèd" status or how special magic can be transmitted from any dead object (such as a bit of toenail or gem encrusted tooth) to any living soul. Non-special-magic is transmitted by demons and does not involve blessing; in that case it is witchcraft and very much common- or garden-variety devil worship as exemplified by popes whose mumbojumbo tends to engender earthquakes. This can happen retroactively:

Quote:
When the pope asked them if they were married, the couple revealed the story of how the deadly quake had forced them to cancel their wedding. The pontiff asked if they would like him to conduct the ceremony right there on the plane, and they agreed. The pope asked them repeatedly if they were sure, but they didn't waiver. Pope Francis blessed the wedding rings the couple have worn since their civil ceremony.
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Jesus Re: Investment Advice, Please - 01-18-2018, 04:18 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bubba Buck View Post
Peter Popoff, a minister who claims to talk to Jesus has personally sent me letters asking for my money so he can send it straight to Jesus. In return, I've received a holy string, a little vial of REAL HOLY WATER, and a blessed wristband so far. Utilizing these artifacts blessed by God is sure to bring good fortune back some day. I'm only at the 3000 mark though and haven't made it to the top tier to be saved yet. Maybe 15,000 would surely get you to the top with the help of Peter Popoff.

Brother Buck,


I, too, am blessed to be on the mailing list of Brother Popoff. In addition to the items you mentioned, I have a plastic shofar, a cherry lifesaver which I was to kiss and mail back to him, (and I did), a gold crayon that I used to color the gold crown I was to wear for 7 hours and then send back to him along with a photo of me wearing it, 7 keys to heaven's gates (I was told to put a different key on my keychain for 7 days and pray a special prayer so $50,000 would come to me miraculously - it hasn't arrived yet, but it will), and water from the Jordan River. The instructions for the river water were quite simple: I was to step over it 7 times as a gesture of crossing the River Jordan, then I was to pray 7 times the following: "Lord Jesus, in YOUR NAME I claim my special passport to the Promised Land. I repent of my sins and know that one day when I cross the river, You will be there to guide my footsteps through the muddy waters into the Land of Heavenly Eternal Life. Amen!"


I can't wait to see what I get this week or next. None of the promised blessings have shown up as of today - but my, it's fun waiting for them. I should post pictures of some of these items.


Proverbs 21:31 KJV 1611:
“The horse is prepared against the day of battell: but safetie is of the Lord.”

Lord, may I serve my equine brothers and sisters just as I do my fellow man.
Amen and Amen
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Default Re: Investment Advice, Please - 01-24-2018, 03:59 PM

I'm also interested in this, thanks for the information!
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Jesus Re: Investment Advice, Please - 01-26-2018, 08:52 PM

After years of shellfish research and long talks with some of the finest Biblical scholars in the world, I've found that giving to a Church that gives it all back 10 times and absolutely, positively guarantees True Salvation™ is the very best investment a person could make.

What is 100 years of living as a person on Gods Perfect Earth© compared to an eternity of sitting upon the Right Hand of .
Invest in your soul. It may seem worthless now but think of the dividends!

-


Isaiah 45:7 I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the LORD do all these things.
Amos 3:6 Shall a trumpet be blown in the city, and the people not be afraid? shall there be evil in a city, and the LORD hath not done it?
Numbers 21:6 And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died.
Matthew 10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
Matthew 10:35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
Matthew 10:36 And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.
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Default Re: Investment Advice, Please - 02-09-2018, 07:42 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by MitzaLizalor View Post
NOTHING involving "holy water" leads in any direction other than DOWN.

There is no such thing as ACTUAL holy water although criminals do market a product so labelled.
There is no such thing as holy string. Did the return address include the words "Kabbalah" or "Centre" by any chance?
I have yet to be shown how any inanimate object can attain "Blessèd" status or how special magic can be transmitted from any dead object (such as a bit of toenail or gem encrusted tooth) to any living soul. Non-special-magic is transmitted by demons and does not involve blessing; in that case it is witchcraft and very much common- or garden-variety devil worship as exemplified by popes whose mumbojumbo tends to engender earthquakes. This can happen retroactively:

I have no reason to doubt Brother Popoff's words about how he was listening in on God's word as well as his discovery of the relics blessed by Jesus himself to help bring salvation to others. Brother Larry is also on his mailing list if you scroll up a bit. Any man who can recite the book of Leviticus in his letters as well as vote for Trump is good in my corner. Why, just last week I finished tooting on the GOLDEN Plastic SHOFAR so that God himself could hear my prayers and pleads for repentance of my sins. Being a former faggot, I used to blow on many things. Now that I have Jesus in my life, the only thing I need to blow is God's words out of my mouth to pray for salvation and happiness!
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Default Re: Investment Advice, Please - 02-10-2018, 12:40 PM

Have you considered praying in Hebrew? It seems only a few words are needed, repeated but not so much Matthew 6:7 as would annoy God, and I'm not sure which words. He would then make investment recommendations clearly -- but not if your repetitions were vain. There may be an opportunity soon of interest to you in textiles. I'll let you know if I hear anything.
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Default Re: Investment Advice, Please - 02-10-2018, 10:42 PM

Glory!


My letter from Brother Popoff this week contined two small vials of holy water from the Jordan River. One was colored blue and the other was colored yellow. I am to pray over them while touching them for seven days. On the eve of the seventh day, I am supposed to pour them into a little container that has been taken to church and placed on the altar (he tells me to obtain permission from the pastor) during the service.


I am to mix the water together. He says if it turns green, I am guaranteed a financial blessing of at least $58,390! Glory! He says to tithe ten percent of that amount when I return the little card that has two places to check. One says, YES! My water turned green! and the other says NO! The Lord will still bless me but my water did not change color. Either way the tithe is to be the same.


Hallelujah! Isn't God wonderful?


Anyway, I have decided to tithe to Landover rather than trying to buy some of the firmament at this time. I appreciate all the comments and prayers. And again, if you aren't already on Brother Popoff's mailing list, write to him and request some of the miracle water. Just use the prayer request form on his site: peterpopoff.org.


Don't write to his home address on Long Canyon Blvd because that would be an invasion of his privacy. That would be like posting Pastor Zeke's address, which is PROHIBITED INFO DELETED


Proverbs 21:31 KJV 1611:
“The horse is prepared against the day of battell: but safetie is of the Lord.”

Lord, may I serve my equine brothers and sisters just as I do my fellow man.
Amen and Amen
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Default Re: Investment Advice, Please - 09-10-2018, 09:42 AM

Like to hear from you. I would appreciate your efforts and all the best for the future enforcement. I am fina abbar working with the jeddahmovers. A famous***seductive probes to discard Jesus removed by moderator***.
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Default Re: Investment Advice, Please - 09-26-2018, 02:03 AM

I have been investing heavily in jewels for some years now. Not any jewels, but very special ones only found in the firmament. I have purchased over a thousand of these precious gems. The poor fools call them stars and I don't think they know what they've got! So I'm eating their lunch!

Quote:
FAQ

How visible will my star be?

We only ever name stars that are clearly visible online with a magnitude that ensures it can be located with a telescope.

What is the star deed?

A star Deed is the 250gsm (Thickness) professionally printed award that we send you upon purchase. This will contain the name of your star, the memorable date, personal message, signatures of deed provisioner and of course the Star-Name-Registry official embossed seal of approval.

Does the name last forever?

Our registry will last forever! All of our deeds are backed up in a secure location so we can always provide duplicate copies of the deed! Further more, our Registry has a unique database that cannot be renamed or edited without your own approval.
I was smart enough to get in early so I bought up most of the brightest stars in their inventory. So you are looking at the owner of a significant proportion of the firmament right here. Don't ask if my gems are for sale. This is my retirement and guarantee of richness in heaven when Jesus calls me to his side. See the FAQ above - this is FOREVER.
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Default Re: Investment Advice, Please - 11-17-2018, 05:03 AM

1. Sell your gargantuan Freehold lands.2. Use the money to feed the poor...with how much it's worth, it's probably enough to feed and shelter every homeless person in Iowa.


(per Matthew 19:21, Mark 10:21 and Luke 18:22)


#SellFreeholdFeedThePoor
#DownWithChurchianity
#JESUSIsAllYouNeed
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Default Re: Investment Advice, Please - 11-17-2018, 06:59 AM

Weren't you saying that The Bible is sort of GUIDELINES?
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Default Re: Investment Advice, Please - 11-17-2018, 12:34 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Paul Tarzan View Post
1. Sell your gargantuan Freehold lands.
All that will happen is that someone else will buy it and then run the labor with greed and avarice unlike we Christians
Quote:
2. Use the money to feed the poor...with how much it's worth, it's probably enough to feed and shelter every homeless person in Iowa.
Giving small amounts to the individual poor without any publicity is the Godly way.



Any attempt by one person to solve poverty is pointless and doomed to failure. As Christ Himself said

"M't:26:7: There came unto him a woman having an alabaster box of very precious ointment, and poured it on his head, as he sat at meat.
M't:26:8: But when his disciples saw it, they had indignation, saying, To what purpose is this waste?
M't:26:9: For this ointment might have been sold for much, and given to the poor.
M't:26:10: When Jesus understood it, he said unto them, Why trouble ye the woman? for she hath wrought a good work upon me.
M't:26:11: For ye have the poor always with you; but me ye have not always.




Ec:7:16: Be not righteous over much; neither make thyself over wise: why shouldest thou destroy thyself?

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Jesus Re: Investment Advice, Please - 11-17-2018, 12:58 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ezekiel Bathfire View Post

M't:26:11: For ye have the poor always with you; but me ye have not always.
Dearest, Sweetest Pastor In Christ,

I've always had confusing emotions about this verse. At first, it seems to be just one of the beautiful citations of Christ - whatever we do, the poor will always be there! Such a good verse to oppose Scandinavian communism and the National Hell Service of Godless U of K. But is it that simple? Let us decipher the verse.

We shall always have the poor. Always. For eternity. What could this mean. I have conjured up a couple of highly intelligent but still unsatisfactory hypotheses.

1. The poor will be in Heaven. Fact: We'll be in Heaven. Fact: Always means forever. Ergo: There could be some poor people there. This is supported by Luke 16:22 but I have some misgivings. Heaven is the place for total happiness, and I tend to think that looking at beggars there would somehow diminish the bliss. In addition, we have been promised riches in Heaven.

Matthew 6:20
But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal:

It would be terrible if the few poor people in Heaven would be thieves to steal the gold, silver, frankincense and platinum that we shall obtain above the Firmament (Genesis 1:6).

2. The poor will remain on Earth after it's been demolished and the new Earth has been constructed (Revelation 21:1) - or at least a few poor people. This would obviously give us some much-needed entertainment during our infinite stay in Heaven. It might be fun to watch the poor struggle and eventually wish they were in the actual Hell that is as real as Jesus, as the scarce food supplies run out after all the Tribulations.

Which one is it going be? Shall we know before Jesus reveals everything to us in due course?


Yours in Christ,


Elmer


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Default Re: Investment Advice, Please - 11-17-2018, 01:38 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Paul Tarzan View Post
1. Sell your gargantuan Freehold lands.
Brother Larry does not yet own any lands at all in Freehold, let alone gargantuan lands. So your advice is (as so often before) worthless.


Revelation 21:8

But the fearful, and unbelieving, and the abominable, and murderers, and whoremongers, and sorcerers, and idolaters, and all liars, shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone: which is the second death.
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Default Re: Investment Advice, Please - 11-17-2018, 02:03 PM

I've often noticed how a country like Africa remains poor regardless of trillions of dollars pumped in, in real terms, over more than a century now. The mind boggles. Even basket cases like Syria or Afghanistan perform better with triple or quadruple per capita GDP levels!


https://www.cia.gov/library/publications/the-world-factbook/rankorder/2004rank.html
BASKET CASEper capita GDPranking
Syria
$2,900.
194th
Afghanistan
$2,000.
207th
AFRICAN STATE
Burundi
$700.
229th
Congo, Dem. Rep.
$800.
227th
Liberia
$1,400.
221st
Comoros
$1,600.
216th
.an island
Malawi
$1,200.
223rd
Cent. African Rep.
$700.
228th
.formerly Central African Empire *.
* https://rarehistoricalphotos.com/emperor-jean-bedel-bokassa-coronation-1977/


Equally noticeable is the way Christians are persecuted with Bible verses taken out of context and used to different effect.

In Matthew 6:1-4 for instance Jesus is straightforward to not thy left hand know what thy right hand doeth and Christians follow His words. But more importantly and perhaps deliberately ignored in Post #15 is Christ's teaching concerning wealth and prosperity. Full context is available by clicking on the hover link.

Matthew 13:12 Whosoever hath, to him shall be given, and he shall have more abundance: but whosoever hath not, from him shall be taken away even that he hath.
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