[Faith_Machine]

Friends, you all know that I am a very open-minded and tolerant person. So when I heard that some nincompoops were working on yet another translation of the Bible, and that they were putting it in screenplay format, I kept my sense of alarm in check and tried to look at the possible positives.

Wouldn't it be grand, I thought, if we had the entire Bible, from the beginning of Genesis, through the end of Revelation, in the form of a movie script? Imagine what a magnum opus that would be if we could pitch the project to those Jews in Hollywood and get them to make the definitive Bible movie, one that leaves nothing out!

I envisioned a truly spectacular film, one that would probably be a couple of weeks in length, without breaks or intermissions. Oh, imagine the glory! Imagine the packed theaters!

Unfortunately, as you can see, this screenplay they're working on is far from ideal:

New Bible translation has screenplay format

NASHVILLE, Tenn. (AP) — A new Bible translation tackles the challenge of turning ancient Greek and Hebrew texts into modern American English and then adds a twist: It's written like a screenplay.

Take the passage from Genesis in which God gets angry at Adam for eating the forbidden fruit from the tree of knowledge of good and evil:

"Adam (pointing at the woman): It was she! The woman You gave me as a companion put the fruit in my hands, and I ate it.

"God (to the woman): What have you done?

"Eve: It was the serpent! He tricked me, and I ate."

Now compare that Hollywood hepcat hipster lingo drivel to the eloquent and beautiful words of the King James Bible:

12 And the man said, The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat.

13 And the Lord God said unto the woman, What is this that thou hast done? And the woman said, The serpent beguiled me, and I did eat.

I know which one I'd want to hear being spoken by famous actors and actresses on the silver screen.

So that settles it: We just need to sit Steven Spielberg down with a copy of the 1611 KJV and tell him, "Film it, and don't change a thing!"

Surely the Department of Faith must have an extensive file on him?

[LBC loving Dutchmen]

Is it a good idea to get Spielberg, he is a joo, and is likely to make some changes to the role of the joos that killed Jesus?

[LBC loving Dutchmen]

For the rest is a literal movie version of the KJV of course a great idea!

[Pastor Isaac Peters]

Imagine what a powerful witnessing tool a movie based exactly on the KJV would be. Even if we only had movie versions of the four Gospels that followed the KJV to the letter, we could show them in a movie marathon and get a wide audience to see the truth about Christianity.

[Zechariah Smyth]

Originally Posted by Pastor Isaac Peters

Imagine what a powerful witnessing tool a movie based exactly on the KJV would be. Even if we only had movie versions of the four Gospels that followed the KJV to the letter, we could show them in a movie marathon and get a wide audience to see the truth about Christianity.

Pastor Isaac, from your lips to God's Ear!



But, I have to admit that the one time I was confident a movie would show some Scriptural Truth, I was sorely disappointed. I'm talking of course about The Passion of the Christ.

I can't believe Mel Gibson glossed over such a powerful account of Jesus' suffering. I mean, c'mon, the movie was what, 2 hours long?

JESUS WAS TORTURED FOR OVER 12 HOURS.



OK, fine, Gibson made a movie that was toned down enough for children of all ages to enjoy it, but when Biblical Truth© is involved, that is simply unacceptable.



I also think that His punishment was sweetened up in order to capture a larger market share (I'm talking to YOU, Pat Robertson). I hope that at some point someone will make a movie (or movies!!!) that isn't all Disney-fied to appease the masses.

YiC,

Zech

[Faith_Machine]

I'm really looking forward to seeing several hours of screen time devoted to the Book of Numbers.




Naturally, when it comes to casting, those decisions must not be taken lightly, as there are so few Christians in Hollywood. I'm envisioning Kirk Cameron playing multiple roles in multiple books. I think he should play Moses, Job, and Jesus. Just for starters.

[Redeemed Papist]

Originally Posted by Faith_Machine

I'm really looking forward to seeing several hours of screen time devoted to the Book of Numbers.




Naturally, when it comes to casting, those decisions must not be taken lightly, as there are so few Christians in Hollywood. I'm envisioning Kirk Cameron playing multiple roles in multiple books. I think he should play Moses, Job, and Jesus. Just for starters.

I, for one, would pay good money to see Kirk Cameron nailed to a cross and afflicted with plagues. He just stands out for me with his relentless faith in the face of mockery and derision. He's a shining example of steadfastly staying true no matter how sorely afflicted.

[Rev. M. Rodimer]

Originally Posted by Redeemed Papist

I, for one, would pay good money to see Kirk Cameron nailed to a cross and afflicted with plagues. He just stands out for me with his relentless faith in the face of mockery and derision. He's a shining example of steadfastly staying true no matter how sorely afflicted.

Brother, you've really hit on something there. Imagine how much more popular Passion of the Christ would have been if it were a twelve-hour spectacle featuring Kirk Cameron as Jesus?

[Faith_Machine]

Hey, here's an idea: What if Kirk Cameron was to play every single male role in the film?

Only the male roles, of course, because the Bible proscribes cross-dressing.

Who would ideally play the female roles?

[Rev. M. Rodimer]

Originally Posted by Faith_Machine

Hey, here's an idea: What if Kirk Cameron was to play every single male role in the film?

Only the male roles, of course, because the Bible proscribes cross-dressing.

Who would ideally play the female roles?

mAnn Coulter and Michele Bachmann?

[Faith_Machine]

Ooh, those are good choices! Lesser women might raise some "feminist" objection to acting out the numerous rape scenes in the books of Judges, Numbers, Deuteronomy, etc, but I feel those two could really handle it.

[Rev. M. Rodimer]

Originally Posted by Faith_Machine

Ooh, those are good choices! Lesser women might raise some "feminist" objection to acting out the numerous rape scenes in the books of Judges, Numbers, Deuteronomy, etc, but I feel those two could really handle it.

For the larger scenes, particularly the Midianites in Numbers and similar moments, we could probably get young girls (12 and under) from Christian summer day camps. As long as they're all virgins!