[Mary Etheldreda]

To the Parents of Freehold,


Please do keep in mind that our Summer Bible Camps and Vacation Bible Schools will continue to serve Christ by delivering demons and satanic spawn from your dear children. While every good parents believes their child is impervious to such infestation, like lice, demons and evil spirits can and do attach themselves to children when parents least expect it. When children sit together in close contact topics of Pokemon, and Mario Kart, and that Harry Potter spin-off Gringot's Magical Beasts, and all of these violent games and stories come up, and little creepy crawlies spread from one head to the next, both corporeal and spiritual. Children are sin-born and natural liars and so cannot be trusted. The camp counselors will make no assumptions but will act in accordance to the prompting of the Holy Ghost in their spirits in these matters.

I would like to remind parents to have their children brush their teeth before coming to camp, as last year two of our teen counselors got violently ill when getting too close to the breath of some children who will remain nameless. Let this serve as a warning that living in a trailer is not an excuse for bad hygiene. I won't call anyone out, but Mrs. Rhiner is not the only one with children who smell like a combination of eggs and raw meat sacs left out in the sun all day.

Children should be prepared to give their hearts and souls to Christ again this summer in case last year's baptism was a trick of the flesh put on by Satan himself, as he is wont to do. Because children don't always understand the work of Satan upon their flesh and often mistake it for feelings of independence and defiance, there will be no letter sent home for the duration of the camp once again. You can pick up your child's letters when you pick up your child at the end of camp.

Please call Cookie in the office if you have any questions.

Thank you.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Praise Jesus! I'll be supervising the 13-14-yo boy cohort and engage with them in rigorous physical exercises and make 'em kneel in front of Jesus' number one pal, that is me.

Brushing the teeth is in deed mandatory and I will not accept those with fecal incontinence. This is gonna be the bestest camp EVAH!

YIC etc etc

Zeke

[Johny Joe Hold]

Summer in Freehold is a delightful time and the Summer Bible Camp is the highlight. All children in the city of appropriate ages are expected to attend. I know the staff always wrestle with balancing changing teen tastes in programs and food with the Old Time Religion we demand here at Landover Baptist.

I've heard other Bible Camps are confronted with "gender uncertainty", children who were born of one gender want to bunk with the other. We make it so clear in the camp publicity none of this nonsense will be tolerated that no such children show up.

Praise Jesus for this camp.

[Dr. Anthony J. Toole]

Will there be a session on How to Defend Against the FBI this year? Kids need to learn how to fill out forms properly so that their pocket money goes directly to Mr. Trump, rather than the GOP. It's actually easy to make the mistake of non-recurring donation.