[Bob4God]

Though it may be a very embarrassing and personal issue, I feel that it is important that I write to you all today about a problem all men must face: The nighttime emission of unborn Christian babies from our privates.

For those of you whose fathers never explained it to you, GOD intelligently designed our bodies to expel our seed when we develop a surplus of it, so our dirty parts will not explode like overfilled water balloons. PRAISE HIS WISDOM!

However, we learn from the Bible that this seed is extremely valuable, and quite possibly a non-renewable source of precious life!

GENESIS 38:9-10

And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother's wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother.
And the thing which he did displeased the LORD: wherefore he slew him also.



GOD was so displeased with Onan's frivolous use of this holy nectar that He killed him! Clearly, GOD does not approve of wasting seed, no matter what the circumstances are.

So while GOD did create our bodies to automatically dispose of old seed, He does not expect us to let it go to waste!



Now as a True Christian there are only two ways your seed can leave your body: a) the shameful act of sex with your wife, and b) the shameful act of emitting it at night.

If your seed is spewed into your wife, a beautiful baby is the result! If it is spewed hap hazardously into your modest pajamas, GOD killing you in your sleep may be the result! After all, you are casting aside MILLIONS of tiny souls!

At first this may sound extremely controversial, but the LORD has shown me this plan to bring an end to this dire holocaust! Please hear us out.

Here's what you will need:

1. A condom

2. A glass jar with a removable lid

3. A spacious freezer

Every night before going to bed, slip one condom onto your tallywacker. (There are instructions inside each box for how to do this.)

Then, place a glass jar on your nightstand.

When you have your next perverted nighttime emission, wake up as soon as possible and carefully remove the condom containing your sacred seed. Remove the lid from the glass jar, and drain the contents of the condom into the jar. Make sure it all comes out! No unborn child left behind!

Once you have collected all of the goo of life in the jar, quickly seal the lid back on it and run to the kitchen and stick the jar in the freezer. This will put your unborn children into a state of suspended animation until the next evening when you will take the jar out of the freezer, defrost the sacred contents in the microwave (do not burn it, or GOD will burn YOU), and carefully use a syringe to inject it into your wife's dirty hole to create a Christian child!

The syringe should be burned, and the jar can be washed and used for homemade jams and preservatives until it is needed again.

Following this plan will please GOD and show that you are not ungrateful for the bounty of seed that he has supplied you with by allowing His design to waste it!

Those of you who have sons that are men in the eyes of GOD will want to share this plan with them as well. Depending on the number of men in your household and how fertile GOD has made them, you may need to buy a special freezer just for the purpose of storing babies. Make sure that each one of you writes his name on the jar containing his own seed so that you do not accidentally impregnate your wife with your son's child! (Only GOD can decide when incest is okay, such as with Adam and Eve's children.)

Your sons will simply have to keep their offspring on ice until GOD provides them a wife to receive it on their wedding night, and every night after that until all the jars are used up.

Finally, the cost of keeping your household supplied with condoms may become rather extravagant, but the LORD will provide, amen?

May GOD bless you and all of your future children!

AMEN!

[water evain time]

If i may ask, ARE YOU INSANE

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Originally Posted by water evain time

If i may ask, ARE YOU INSANE

A wad of aussie scum inquiring about insanity.....

Maybe you should make a post of our own in the "introductions" section and tell us all about how much you need Jesus in your life.

[water evain time]

At least your still smart enough to realise where i come from, i would consider posting in the introductions section but id prefer for you not to know anything more about me

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Originally Posted by water evain time

At least your still smart enough to realise where i come from, i would consider posting in the introductions section but id prefer for you not to know anything more about me

Well bye then. We don't host drunken Aussie trolls here.

[Ayeola]

smerm dies in the microwave.
1) the temperature difference is to high at the to short periode
2) microwave heathing is deadly for it

don't worry, you will have enough sperm

[Bob4God]

Originally Posted by Ayeola

2) microwave heathing is deadly for it

Not as deadly as hellfire.

[Ayeola]

that's true, but: I don't believe in Hellfire

[Bob4God]

Originally Posted by Ayeola

that's true, but: I don't believe in Hellfire

Yeah, well you will when GOD sends you there for not believing in HIM, and for wasting the precious seed He has given you.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Originally Posted by Ayeola

that's true, but: I don't believe in Hellfire

There are plenty of surprised people down in hell. :sinners:

[warnyucks]

hmmm I was wondering Ezikiel... can you err on the side of grace, I mean is it possible to forgive too much? What if there are lots of suprised people in Heaven as well as Hell? What if God's grace displayed on Clavary was sufficient to all? And was truely not by works of man's rightouesness but the Grace of God in the sacrifice of His SON john 3:16-17 not to condemn but to save. So that no man may boast on the day of judgement in personal purity/ piety/ or Holiness? for isnt faith equated to rightousness as in Abraham? Legalism of the 21st century is no more benificial than the legalism of the first. Just some thoughts man. I really hope a rational disscussion can come from this as I hope to hear what you have to say, sarcassm removed completely and in the transparency of Christ.

[Nobar King]

Originally Posted by warnock316

hmmm I was wondering Ezikiel... can you err on the side of grace, I mean is it possible to forgive too much? What if there are lots of suprised people in Heaven as well as Hell? What if God's grace displayed on Clavary was sufficient to all? And was truely not by works of man's rightouesness but the Grace of God in the sacrifice of His SON john 3:16-17 not to condemn but to save. So that no man may boast on the day of judgement in personal purity/ piety/ or Holiness? for isnt faith equated to rightousness as in Abraham? Legalism of the 21st century is no more benificial than the legalism of the first. Just some thoughts man. I really hope a rational disscussion can come from this as I hope to hear what you have to say, sarcassm removed completely and in the transparency of Christ.

Would you prefer your responses in clear American English, or full of grammar, punctuation, capitalization and spelling errors? Just checking.

[Bob4God]

Originally Posted by warnock316

hmmm I was wondering Ezikiel...

It's EZEKIEL, not Ezikiel!

And that's PASTOR Ezekiel to you, sinner. You sound like a GOD-loves-everybody-so-let's-ignore-the-obvious-rules-He-has-given-us-to-live-by type.

There's none of that nonsense at Landover!

[Bobby-Joe]

Originally Posted by warnock316

hmmm I was wondering Ezikiel... can you err on the side of grace, I mean is it possible to forgive too much? What if there are lots of suprised people in Heaven as well as Hell? What if God's grace displayed on Clavary was sufficient to all? And was truely not by works of man's rightouesness but the Grace of God in the sacrifice of His SON john 3:16-17 not to condemn but to save. So that no man may boast on the day of judgement in personal purity/ piety/ or Holiness? for isnt faith equated to rightousness as in Abraham? Legalism of the 21st century is no more benificial than the legalism of the first. Just some thoughts man. I really hope a rational disscussion can come from this as I hope to hear what you have to say, sarcassm removed completely and in the transparency of Christ.

Friend,

You comment is difficult to read, but, assuming I understand your question, basically while Jesus' sacrifice is enough for all of humanity we must ask for God's forgiveness. If it is otherwise and all are forgiven no matter what they do what is the point of the Great Commission He gave us and all His instruction on how the Righteous should behave friend? Do you really thing someone who spends his life murdering people, torturing children and voting Democratic is going just waltz into heaven with the rest of us?

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Originally Posted by warnyucks

hmmm I was wondering Ezikiel... can you err on the side of grace, I mean is it possible to forgive too much? What if there are lots of suprised people in Heaven as well as Hell? What if God's grace displayed on Clavary was sufficient to all? And was truely not by works of man's rightouesness but the Grace of God in the sacrifice of His SON john 3:16-17 not to condemn but to save. So that no man may boast on the day of judgement in personal purity/ piety/ or Holiness? for isnt faith equated to rightousness as in Abraham? Legalism of the 21st century is no more benificial than the legalism of the first. Just some thoughts man. I really hope a rational disscussion can come from this as I hope to hear what you have to say, sarcassm removed completely and in the transparency of Christ.

Friend, you are obviously one of those false Christian cherry-pickers, who falls in love with a handful of verses and ignores the rest. Let's look at the scripture in question.

John 3:16 For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.
3:17 For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved.
3:18 He that believeth on him is not condemned: but he that believeth not is condemned already, because he hath not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God.
3:19 And this is the condemnation, that light is come into the world, and men loved darkness rather than light, because their deeds were evil.
3:20 For every one that doeth evil hateth the light, neither cometh to the light, lest his deeds should be reproved.

Please pay special attention to the parts of the verses that I highlighted. It is of course true that God had His only begotten son tortured and temporarily killed on the cross as blood payment for Mankind's sins, but does the scripture say that Salvation applies to everyone?

Jesus suffered and died for my sins, this much is true. But for those who reject Him, there is no Salvation. The Bible is clear on this point. Those who do not believe in Jesus and accept Him as their personal Savior are condemned, not Saved. So for example, someone who practices witchcraft or sodomy could not profess to be Christian.

Those who chose to continue to wallow in sin and perversion and reject Jesus have no hope for His Grace. Salvation isn't something that God imposes on sinners. Rather, He offers it. You have to accept it, and that involves repentance.

You false Christians are doing satan's work by spreading the lie that every human being is somehow, magically Saved by nature of being created by God. That is simply not true. You are helping to condemn countless souls to hell with your liberal nonsense.

Now I have a question for you. Are you mentally disabled? I don't want to hurt your feelings, but judging from your lack of grammar, spelling and punctuation abilities, I'm guessing that you are. How old are you?

Feel free to make a thread of your own in the "introductions" section of the forum. Tell us all about your church and how you came to find Jesus.

[WickedWitch]

Bob, I have to tell you, and I say this with the utmost respect, that is one of the most digusting things I think I've ever heard on this forum. I'm suddenly feeling queasy...

[Pastor Billy-Reuben]

Originally Posted by WickedWitch

Bob, I have to tell you, and I say this with the utmost respect, that is one of the most digusting things I think I've ever heard on this forum. I'm suddenly feeling queasy...

That's why you were WARNED not to read it.

Pastor Billy-Reuben

[Bob4God]

Originally Posted by WickedWitch

Bob, I have to tell you, and I say this with the utmost respect, that is one of the most digusting things I think I've ever heard on this forum. I'm suddenly feeling queasy...

Well maybe you should stay out of threads in the men's only section that specifically tell women to keep away.

So excuse me for trying to advise my True Christian brothers on how to keep from wasting seed!

[WickedWitch]

Originally Posted by Pastor Billy-Reuben

That's why you were WARNED not to read it.

Pastor Billy-Reuben

It's the idea of reusing those jars for making jams and preservatives after there's been semen in them. That's disgustingly unsanitary. And it reminds me of something that happened once many years ago... That's where the queasiness came from.

Originally Posted by Bob4God

Well maybe you should stay out of threads in the men's only section that specifically tell women to keep away. Please see the above response.

So excuse me for trying to advise my True Christian brothers on how to keep from wasting seed!

And it's a disgusting idea, I can't help that. Look, it's something you can't control, right? You said that it's something that your god makes you do so that you don't explode, right? So then why do anything about it? If it's something God wants, how do you know he wants you to be putting your seed in jars (jars which you'll then use to store food in )? Maybe he wants you to spill your seed in your boxers, otherwise why would he make you do it without your knowledge or consent?

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Originally Posted by WickedWitch

It's the idea of reusing those jars for making jams and preservatives after there's been semen in them. That's disgustingly unsanitary. And it reminds me of something that happened once many years ago... That's where the queasiness came from.

And it's a disgusting idea, I can't help that. Look, it's something you can't control, right? You said that it's something that your god makes you do so that you don't explode, right? So then why do anything about it? If it's something God wants, how do you know he wants you to be putting your seed in jars (jars which you'll then use to store food in )? Maybe he wants you to spill your seed in your boxers, otherwise why would he make you do it without your knowledge or consent?

STAY OUT OF THE MEN'S SECTION YOU WITCH!