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Felicity's Avatar
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Default I am a little scared, how can you know if you are pregnant? - 03-21-2011, 11:37 PM

As I don't have a husband I always thought I can not get pregnant.

But now a stork has been building a nest on our house. Does this mean I will get a baby?


I Jesus!
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James Dewitt James Dewitt is offline
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Default Re: I am a little scared, how can you know if you are pregnant? - 03-21-2011, 11:52 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Felicity View Post
As I don't have a husband I always thought I can not get pregnant.

But now a stork has been building a nest on our house. Does this mean I will get a baby?
My Dearest Felicity,. I know you are a good girl, but has your mom and dad (MOM ) ever had the talk with you? There are only three ways for a woman to become preggers.
1 God
2 having sex with a man.
3 sitting on a toilet seat that a homersexural man has sat on.

1A God has only gotten one woman preagant, that was the mother of Jesus, Mary( NOTICE Jesus is first ya damn Catliks).

2B Are you still pure?

3C Do you have any Homersexural men in your home?


The answer to question 2B better be yes and 3B NO.

Do you understand what it means when us grown ups are talking about having sex?

Love Uncle James
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Default Re: I am a little scared, how can you know if you are pregnant? - 03-22-2011, 01:00 AM

I hope it's a boy!


May you be a blessing to every life you touch.
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Default Re: I am a little scared, how can you know if you are pregnant? - 03-22-2011, 01:59 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nobar King View Post
I hope it's a boy!
Let us hope our little Felicity does not write something like ''Dear Diary, Great news today, my own baby Jesus is on the way!''
There won't be one living messican left in town when her father reads it! Think I will go get me an order of Tacos to go, just in case, might be a long time until this is all sorted out..


1 Chronicles 16:15
Be ye mindful always of his covenant; the word which he commanded to a thousand generations ... an everlasting covenant.
Proverbs 30:5,6: Every word of God is pure: he is a shield unto them that put their trust in him.
Add thou not unto his words, lest he reprove thee, and thou be found a liar.

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James Dewitt James Dewitt is offline
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Default Re: I am a little scared, how can you know if you are pregnant? - 03-22-2011, 03:32 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Benedict A. Davis View Post
Let us hope our little Felicity does not write something like ''Dear Diary, Great news today, my own baby Jesus is on the way!''
There won't be one living messican left in town when her father reads it! Think I will go get me an order of Tacos to go, just in case, might be a long time until this is all sorted out..

Oh crap, I best drive to Mama Vitia's, and stock up on empanadas.


I have not seen Rev Jim in a few days, coincidence?
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Default Re: I am a little scared, how can you know if you are pregnant? - 03-22-2011, 05:09 AM

Felicity, dear, now that you're growing up into a fine young lady, you really need to learn the facts of life. Now, maybe your daddy is going to get angry at me for telling you this, but I think it's high time you learned about where babies come from.

The first thing to understand, honey, is that babies don't actually come from storks. What really happens is when a husband and a wife love each other very much, they ask Jesus to bless them with a child. Then, depending on how much Jesus loves the married couple, He either blesses them with a son (He loves them a lot!!) or a daughter (He still loves them, but He thinks they could be tithing a little more or something). Finally, nine months later, a beautiful True Christian™ baby is born.

Now, since you're not married, you don't really need to be worrying about having babies yet. The Lord will bless you with one when you learn to love the husband your daddy picks out for you.

Now that I've answered your question, just keep on being a good girl and stop fretting about this. Just between us, the only people that worry about getting pregnant are sluts, and I know you aren't one of THOSE girls.

Hoping the Holy Spirit fills you and keeps you from worrying,

Sister Lycia


"Whether of them twain did the will of his father? They say unto him, The first. Jesus saith unto them, Verily I say unto you, That the publicans and the harlots go into the kingdom of God before you. For John came unto you in the way of righteousness, and ye believed him not: but the publicans and the harlots believed him: and ye, when ye had seen it, repented not afterward, that ye might believe him." Matthew 21:31-32

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Default Re: I am a little scared, how can you know if you are pregnant? - 03-22-2011, 12:48 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lycia The Repentant View Post
The first thing to understand, honey, is that babies don't actually come from storks. What really happens is when a husband and a wife love each other very much, they ask Jesus to bless them with a child. Then, depending on how much Jesus loves the married couple, He either blesses them with a son (He loves them a lot!!) or a daughter (He still loves them, but He thinks they could be tithing a little more or something). Finally, nine months later, a beautiful True Christian™ baby is born.
Sister Lycia, I am always impressed at your ability to sum up the Lord's teachings so concisely. Have you been working on refining the National Evangelical Church Association-Approved abstinence-only education plan? I know that Sister Palin has endorsed this reproduction education plan for when she is elected President.


Yours In Christ,

Gabriel Reproba, Esq. (Lawyer for the Lord)

Further reading to help you become a True Christian™

Stoning Sinners: A How-To Guide
Scientific Study: Bible is NOT "All About Love"
The One Sin Jesus Says He Won't EVER Forgive!
Should we only follow SOME of the Bible?
How will YOU sacrifice your kids?
20 Questions To See If Your Son Is A Fag
God: Dress Like A Whore...Get Raped!
Bible: If You Love Your Wife, Beat Her!
Logic and Bible Agree: Gay is a choice!
Nursery Rhymes Teach kids that Christ is Lord!
There is no such thing as an "agnostic!"
Science: People are Only Islamic Because They are Depressed!

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Default Re: I am a little scared, how can you know if you are pregnant? - 03-22-2011, 12:48 PM

Why has nobody suggested shooting the stork?


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James Dewitt James Dewitt is offline
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Default Re: I am a little scared, how can you know if you are pregnant? - 03-22-2011, 01:06 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by HTannor View Post
Why has nobody suggested shooting the stork?
Not a bad idea. Of course the stork in question really does not bring babies, but could make a fine dinner. I wonder how they are if you deep fry them like a turkey? On a side note in Florida where I sometimes winter there are a lot of flamingos, last year I shot one on my next door neighbors lawn, it did not taste good, very dry and hard to chew.
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Default Re: I am a little scared, how can you know if you are pregnant? - 03-22-2011, 01:44 PM

Dear Felicity:

Like Mr. Dewitt have say before, there is only real ways for become preñant.
Seems me it you are like a good cristian girl and have maybe misundarstand the how of become preñant.

Read the advises Mr Dewitt's I think is best.

And for the storks, don't you worry, there's storks doing the nests a lot in my country all over except my little corner which is beautiful Alicante whit is lovely climate all the year round and the perfect place for the tourists go and have great vacationing any time whit great especial offers, but the storks no like this wonderful climate so much so the elsewhere do the nests. And whit storks everywhere all over the place all over the country, you no really think that spansih ladies all are having babies all the time!? NO! ¡Dios nos libre! So don't worry. Is myth this.

The stork+baby myth is a myth what is no true and is propogate for the bad cartoon makers like the Warner Bros and Bogs Bonny, so is no true.

Stork story was invent I'm no sure when but please ignore. Is for fools this myth.

Remember you the Escriptures for what fools are:


Proverbs 14:8The wisedome of the prudent is to vnderstand his way: but the folly of fooles is deceit.

So you can see the myths of fooles is no very wise for you follow this.

I hope my advises are useful for you sister Felicity. I think you're very innocent. Sorry for spoil this for you.

YIC, Mari. xx


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My favorite verse from the Bible is:
- A true WITNESSE deliuereth soules: but a deceitfull WITNESSE speaketh lyes.
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Default Re: I am a little scared, how can you know if you are pregnant? - 03-22-2011, 04:55 PM

It wasn't me!


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Default Re: I am a little scared, how can you know if you are pregnant? - 03-22-2011, 04:59 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by James Dewitt View Post
...Love Uncle James
I'm hoping the missing comma was just an oversight, because it really changes the meaning here...you dawg



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Default Re: I am a little scared, how can you know if you are pregnant? - 03-22-2011, 06:20 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Didymus Much View Post
I'm hoping the missing comma was just an oversight, because it really changes the meaning here...you dawg
Get your mind out of the gutter. I could never think of Felicity in that way. Sure she is a pretty little thing, and God was very generous in creating her, but any thing more than the love of an uncle is out of the question. I am not a pervert. I leave that up to you and Joe- Freddie our resident perverts.
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Default Re: I am a little scared, how can you know if you are pregnant? - 03-22-2011, 11:01 PM

wow, this felicity sure is brain-dead, huh?
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Default Re: I am a little scared, how can you know if you are pregnant? - 03-22-2011, 11:32 PM

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wow, this felicity sure is brain-dead, huh?
What is wrong with you? In what kind of sick world is aware but cautious pure young lady called brain-dead?
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Default Re: I am a little scared, how can you know if you are pregnant? - 03-23-2011, 06:06 PM

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wow, this felicity sure is brain-dead, huh?
A young lady asks a sincere question, and suddenly she is "brain-dead" ???

Leave it to a paddy in his cups to totally miss the point.



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Default Re: I am a little scared, how can you know if you are pregnant? - 03-24-2011, 08:39 PM

A young member of my congregation (only 13!) asked me the same question, worrying about feeling queasy and thickening somewhat around the middle. Could it be an unintended pregnancy? The child asked me about how to get pregnant and what to do . . . adoption or even . . . abortion.

Naturally, I was horrified, and called in the family.

After a long chat with the parents, we agreed that having milk with each meal was not the same as having a milkshake with each meal. This minor adjustment to little Jimmy's diet took care of his symptoms.


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Default Re: I am a little scared, how can you know if you are pregnant? - 03-25-2011, 06:06 AM

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wow, this felicity sure is brain-dead, huh?
I'm trying very hard not to say anything. It is difficult. You are lucky you are far away or I would box your ears and make you wash your mouth out with Fels Naptha soap for insulting Felicity that way. You have 4 hours to apologize.

Felicity is a bright young lady (for a girl) but a bit sheltered by her overly protective True Christian™ parents. That is the reason she comes to friends at Landover Baptist Church when she has questions and concerns. At least that way we can buffer her from Unsaved Trash like you.


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Default Re: I am a little scared, how can you know if you are pregnant? - 03-25-2011, 01:40 PM

u can also get pregnant if u get a pizza delivered wif extra hot sausage apparently??? :S :S :S or if a plumber comes by bcuz u need plumbing or u r a maid n dont finish ur work on time ._.


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Default Re: I am a little scared, how can you know if you are pregnant? - 03-25-2011, 04:28 PM

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u can also get pregnant if u get a pizza delivered wif extra hot sausage apparently??? :S :S :S or if a plumber comes by bcuz u need plumbing or u r a maid n dont finish ur work on time ._.
Where do you get such ideas, young lady? Are you watching the wrong kind of movies? There is nothing in the 1611 King James Bible about pizza with hot sausage, or a plumber, or not finishing work on time (except for the bit about the end of times). The man has to know someone to get them pregnant. I'm sure you don't know what I mean. Besides, I don't see how any of that has anything to do with getting pregnant. Pray more, watch TV less.


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