[Naomi Ruth Lamb]

The thrifty True Christian™ shouldn't miss the annual Apostles Park area garage sales! Yes, once again the residents of this exclusive haven of heaven in Freehold will be holding a huge sale. Over 15 families have banded together for the event. Among the items we have thus far:

Life-sized resin statues of our Lord for your front yard (the arms wave as traffic goes by - it's just a must-see feature)

Men's, women's, and children's church approved clothing

Stoning bags (many with stones)

Mother's hand made Bible covers (can be customized)

Hand massagers (to bring tingling relaxation and ease to stiff, achy joints)

Freshly baked pies, cookies, cakes, and scones

Rare DVD's of Mistress Cookie's Hollywood career highlights

All proceeds from this year's sale will help support our senior pastor's mission trip to Japan (those vending machines aren't free, you know!)

IF YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO DONATE: A collection bin will be placed at the south and west entrances on concourse D near the platinum tither's ramp to the main sanctuary. The bleacher seats may donate by placing items in the paper sacks placed on each seat.

The sale date is to be announced soon; we're hoping for October 18th should the Lord tarry.

Exciting news: Pastor Zeke has donated one of the shirts he wore during his evangelistic campaign to the godless land of Burkina Faso in 2013! This one will be sold via silent auction! We're still trying to talk Sister Daisy into donating the Dolly Parton wig she wore during our Dolly Parton Lookalike for the Lord contest that was held just before our annual stoning festival this year. Come on, sweetheart! It's for Zeke, after all. God knows you won't get anything else out of him. Except promises.

[Thomas Helwys]

Originally Posted by Naomi Ruth Lamb

..... It's for Zeke, after all. God knows you won't get anything else out of him. Except promises.

Amen!!!

[Jimmy-Roy Stewart]

I hope their's clothes in my size times ain't been to good but i keep praying and tithing so's God will bless me may bee this will be His way of doing that and besides the pastors are holy men of God they're ministry deserves all of are support.

[Naomi Ruth Lamb]

Originally Posted by Jimmy-Roy Stewart

I hope their's clothes in my size times ain't been to good but i keep praying and tithing so's God will bless me may bee this will be His way of doing that and besides the pastors are holy men of God they're ministry deserves all of are support.

Jimmy Roy,

You are welcome to stop by and try things on if you like.
Are you married?

NRL

[WilliamJenningsBryan]

While the Bible (KJV1611) doesn't explicitly say so, I imagine there was a garage sale in Galilee when Jesus' Apostles gave up their occupation to follow Jesus. Garage sales are truly Christian things to do, although today some of them may have tried to sell their nets on E-Bay.

And Jesus, walking by the sea of Galilee, saw two brethren, Simon called Peter, and Andrew his brother, casting a net into the sea: for they were fishers.

And he saith unto them, Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men.

And they straightway left their nets, and followed him.

And going on from thence, he saw other two brethren, James the son of Zebedee, and John his brother, in a ship with Zebedee their father, mending their nets; and he called them.

And they immediately left the ship and their father, and followed him.

- Matthew 4:18-22

[Des]

I have two slightly used maid uniforms, size 2 & 3 that I can drop off. Two more of my slant-eyed maids went and got themselves pregnant out of wedlock again and I had to ship them back to China.

These are latex as I have found that they can't conceal pilfered valuables in them. They have hand pleated ruffles, puff sleeves, and come complete with petticoats. While they are sizes 2 & 3 as I mentioned above, you can easily squeeze a size 4 or 5 girl into them if you dust the inside with talcum powder.

[Naomi Ruth Lamb]

Des, those maid outfits were some of the first items to sell. I think Sister Victory is being a bit ambitious but she insists the diet is "getting [her] there." Keep praying, sis.

Everyone, I am sorry that I didn't give the results of the garage sale this year; we have been so busy opening new locations of Naomi's Moist Pie that I neglected to report the proceeds to the church business office within the required 8 hours.

We made over $24,000, which is up $2000 from last year (GLORY to GOD). We are voting on whether to send the funds (after Pastor Ezekiel's tithe) to our Niglet charity or to help repair the pastor's recreation room. Your vote matters, so be sure to let us know.

I would be remiss if I didn't thank the sisters of the church that helped prepare, price, and sell the items in various Apostle's Park Court homes. A donor that deserves recognition but insisted on remaining anonymous helped us immensely by giving up one of his cherished axes. Sister Cookie contributed her faux panda jacket, which sold for over $200, praise Jesus. Brother Smyth sent authentic oranges from Florida and they brought in $20 each.

A few people thought they saw Sister Llewelyn Dorcas Jones milling about the sales; she has been a shut-in since breaking her hip at the Stoning Festival when a stone was accidentally hurled at her by one of the youth of the church after she yelled at him for skateboarding on her estate. Happy to see you out and about, Sister Jones. I could go on and on with stories about the event, but perhaps another time. Let's make next year even better - and don't forget to vote for the allocation of proceeds.

In Jesus,
NRL

[Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson]

While I am not a True Christian, my dear Sister Naomi, may I suggest using the money to support the pastors' room. They put all of themselves into serving the Lord, and helping us get to heaven, that it is only just that we support them, for they are doing the Lord's work, and thus, we are paying the Lord what is His. "And Jesus answering said unto them, Render to Caesar the things that are Caesar's, and to God the things that are God's. And they marvelled at him." Mark 12:17

[James Hutchins]

I have a few latex full body 'swim suits' size XXXXL (one red, one black) to donate. They need to be cleaned and powdered.