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Reload this Page Day 200. Song of Solomon 5-8 (WARNING NC-17)
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Default Day 200. Song of Solomon 5-8 (WARNING NC-17) - 09-23-2009, 07:24 PM

Song of Solomon 5-8

1 I am come into my garden, my sister, my spouse: I have gathered my myrrh with my spice; I have eaten my honeycomb with my honey; I have drunk my wine with my milk: eat, O friends; drink, yea, drink abundantly, O beloved.

That is the man speaking, he has done these fine things, eaten the really sweet, drank stuff to make him happy and drank stuff for nourishment. And all these were the finer things.

2 I sleep, but my heart waketh: it is the voice of my beloved that knocketh, saying, Open to me, my sister, my love, my dove, my undefiled: for my head is filled with dew, and my locks with the drops of the night.

Now we get back to the woman's view. She's sleeping, but the husband goes to her.

3 I have put off my coat; how shall I put it on? I have washed my feet; how shall I defile them?

He took off his shirt, he took off his shoes, he wants to get busy!

4 My beloved put in his hand by the hole of the door, and my bowels were moved for him.

She got wet.

6 I opened to my beloved; but my beloved had withdrawn himself, and was gone: my soul failed when he spake: I sought him, but I could not find him; I called him, but he gave me no answer.

She didn't get to the door in time, so, even though she's his favorite, he still went off. He had taken his viagra, he knew where he wanted to put his penis, but since she didn't open the door in time, he couldn't wait, so he's gone off to find another woman to stick his dick into.

This is how the LORD loves us. This is how Jesus loves his church. PRAISE JESUS!!!

Solomon then goes on to talk about how hot he is. He's white and ruddy, he's got nice hair, nice eyes, good cheeks, lips like sugar, thick legs, and nice hands.

Song of Solomon 6

1 Whither is thy beloved gone, O thou fairest among women? whither is thy beloved turned aside? that we may seek him with thee.

This was spoken by the third main character in the story, the voice over narrator.

2 My beloved is gone down into his garden, to the beds of spices, to feed in the gardens, and to gather lilies.

The woman speaks again. The man goes to his garden, his garden is his harem. He's still got 3.75 hours worth of erection from the viagra.

Once again, his features are described, goat hair, sheep teeth, temple pomegranates.

8 There are threescore queens, and fourscore concubines, and virgins without number.

So his garden IS a harem.

9 My dove, my undefiled is but one; she is the only one of her mother, she is the choice one of her that bare her. The daughters saw her, and blessed her; yea, the queens and the concubines, and they praised her.

Ok, this might be Solomon talking about the girl now. She is an only daughter. She is the best of them... but isn't an only child the best one anyway? She was apparently good looking enough that the rest of the girls said "If i were a lesbian, I'd go down on it".

Song of Solomon 7

1 How beautiful are thy feet with shoes, O prince's daughter! the joints of thy thighs are like jewels, the work of the hands of a cunning workman.

She looks good in shoes. I'm not really a foot guy either. The joints of thy thighs... where do thighs have joints, does that mean her crotch?

3 Thy two breasts are like two young roes that are twins.

Exactly what part of the roe makes him think of boobies?

6 How fair and how pleasant art thou, O love, for delights!

How pleasant thou art, indeed, thankfully you don't have breasts like a moose!

7 This thy stature is like to a palm tree, and thy breasts to clusters of grapes.

A palm tree has a narrow trunk that goes from the ground, up to the top where the leaves then explode out. So the girl looked like she had some gigantic breasts on a skinny body.

I don't see those grapes looking much like boobies, unless they are really saggy boobies.

8 I said, I will go up to the palm tree, I will take hold of the boughs thereof: now also thy breasts shall be as clusters of the vine, and the smell of thy nose like apples;

He's going to play with her boobs.

9 And the roof of thy mouth like the best wine for my beloved, that goeth down sweetly, causing the lips of those that are asleep to speak.

The french kiss should actually be a Solomon kiss.

12 Let us get up early to the vineyards; let us see if the vine flourish, whether the tender grape appear, and the pomegranates bud forth: there will I give thee my loves.

Pomegranates taste good, but I don't really see them being an erotic plant.

Oh... it's not the fully ripe big old pomegranate. It's the young immature pomegranate.

It looks kind of like a .. penis.

Song of Solomon 8

1 O that thou wert as my brother, that sucked the breasts of my mother! when I should find thee without, I would kiss thee; yea, I should not be despised.

Actually, kissing your brother is a good way to become despised.

2 I would lead thee, and bring thee into my mother's house, who would instruct me: I would cause thee to drink of spiced wine of the juice of my pomegranate.

Pomegranate juice is good for the libido, it contains a lot of vitamin c and other anti-oxidants. Also, it looks like a penis.

8 We have a little sister, and she hath no breasts: what shall we do for our sister in the day when she shall be spoken for?

She's got the big knockers like a palm tree, her little sister (even though she's an only child) is flat as a board.

9 If she be a wall, we will build upon her a palace of silver: and if she be a door, we will inclose her with boards of cedar.

Well, maybe not a board, but flat as a wall, or a door. Then they talk about getting her a wonder bra.

10 I am a wall, and my breasts like towers: then was I in his eyes as one that found favour.

Of course she found favor, she's got big ole titties.

11 Solomon had a vineyard at Baalhamon; he let out the vineyard unto keepers; every one for the fruit thereof was to bring a thousand pieces of silver.

Wait, did Solomon allow other people to tend his vineyard? When we're talking metaphorical sex, isn't letting someone pay 1000 pieces of silver for fruit, like pimping out your wives?

12 My vineyard, which is mine, is before me: thou, O Solomon, must have a thousand, and those that keep the fruit thereof two hundred.

Does Solomon have 200 men on standby to keep his 1000 women satisfied?

14 Make haste, my beloved, and be thou like to a roe or to a young hart upon the mountains of spices.

She's horny and wants it now.

Or, the church is ready for Jesus to take it now. Or, Israel is ready for the LORD to come.

So what have we learned today?

1. The author (woman) has a really really flat chested sister.

2. Grapes and pomegranates are sexual fruits.

3. If a man leaves his vineyard unattended for a while, someone off the streets will probably pick the grapes.


Judges 9:21 And Jotham ran away, and fled, and went to Beer, and dwelt there, for fear of Abimelech his brother.
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