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Reload this Page 2020: My Worst Easter EVER!
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Sinner 2020: My Worst Easter EVER! - 04-12-2020, 03:49 PM

JESUSMe. F. Christ!

This is THE worst Easter ever. I, my Dad and Satan (who doesn't know that we use him for our ultimate purposes, ha!) send you a tiny little plague that kills ONE FREAKING % of the victims and whaddya know! 99% of the Churches in the whole world are empty. Of curse, my good friend and Cong-Fee-Dung Zeke will be holding his sermons on the Big Screen but what about the others?

A Christian trusts Me! A Christian is someone whose prayers I hear. A Christian pays me homage whatever the most recent plague. A Christian does not run into her ICU rabbithole immediately when she starts to cough her lungs into smithereens. A Christian prays and - sometimes - I answer.



This is really the worst Easter ever and you should know that I had quite a nasty one 1990 something years ago. I actually hung on a freaking cross. With buttplug-size nail through my hands and ankles. But. This. Easter. Is. Worse. Of course, Zeke is still my good friend and whoever He chooses into His flock, I won't turn away. Of curse I did know that this was gonna happen. I'm omniscient, capiche? FYI, my second coming is now delayed. The world does not deserve me. I died for it to Save mankind from what I'd do to it if I hand't died for it! This is Me during those begone years. I was sizzling HOT. And now my ANGER burns as HOT.



But my Landover Flock! You are and remain my favorites. You may pray for anything this Easter and I shall answer! Maybe.


Blessed is Me.
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Default Re: 2020: My Worst Easter EVER! - 04-12-2020, 07:48 PM

Jesus, I spent most of the morning driving around the state of Georgia until I stumbled upon a Baptist church in Savannah where I could attend(Paula Deen was there). The nigra churches in Georgia were all closed. I’m telling you this so you can take swift action. I’m sure you already knew though.
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Default Re: 2020: My Worst Easter EVER! - 04-12-2020, 08:00 PM

Dearest Lord and Savior - thank You for blessing Us with Your Holy Presence on this, the most important day of the year.

As You obviously know, not all so-called churches failed You today. Here in this worthless little corner of England (a small island formerly in Europe), Pastor Steve refused to be bullied by the forces of Big Atheism and church was packed. We trust in You!

I don't know if You bothered to watch over us - we really don't deserve it - but after several hours of praise, worship and celebration in Your Beloved Honor, everyone came back to our place for a feast. We observed social distancing by feeding the tin-tithers (and those of the congregation who don't even have the means to sit in the cheap seats) in one of the more remote fields.

I have no requests to make of You at this time, for I feel truly blessed by the knowledge of Your conditional love.

Yours in You,
Joanna


Vaccinated by the love of Jesus!!!
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Default Re: 2020: My Worst Easter EVER! - 04-13-2020, 03:31 AM

Dear Jesus, it is great to see you again this Easter! I'm thrilled to be among one of the few services that continues to give thanks and praise to You even during this pandemic! Terrific sermon from Pastor Ezekiel as always.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jesus View Post
FYI, my second coming is now delayed. The world does not deserve me.
Unfortunate but understandable. Thank You for this update. I had been staying up on Wednesday nights with anticipation thinking "Maybe this is the Wednesday that Jesus will finally return!" only to be disappointed when Thursday rolls around to think "Darnit, it's going to be at least another 6 days until we see Jesus in the flesh".

At least now I'll know we still have a ways to go.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jesus View Post
This is THE worst Easter ever. I, my Dad and Satan (who doesn't know that we use him for our ultimate purposes, ha!) send you a tiny little plague that kills ONE FREAKING % of the victims and whaddya know! 99% of the Churches in the whole world are empty. Of curse, my good friend and Cong-Fee-Dung Zekewill be holding his sermons on the Big Screen but what about the others?

https://www.rawstory.com/2020/03/chr...ie-from-virus/


I'm curious as to what happened to this pastor.

Quote:
One of the first deaths of a Virginian from coronavirus was a 66-year-old Christian “musical evangelist” who fell ill while on a trip to New Orleans with his wife. As the Friendly Atheist’s Bo Gardiner points out, Landon Spradlin had previously shared opinions that the pandemic was the result of “mass hysteria” from the media.


On March 13, Spradlin shared a misleading meme that compared coronavirus deaths to swine flu deaths and suggested the media is using the pandemic to hurt Trump. In the comments, Spradlin acknowledged that the outbreak is a “real issue,” but added that he believes “the media is pumping out fear and doing more harm than good”


“It will come and it will go,” he wrote.


Defend democracy. Click to invest in courageous progressive journalism today.
That same day, he shared a post from another pastor that told the story of a missionary in South Africa who “protected” himself from the bubonic plague with the “Spirit of God.”


“As long as I walk in the light of that law [of the Spirit of life], no germ will attach itself to me,” read a quote from the post.
I've spoken with some other pastors encouraging them to hold service, and this example seemed to have scared them away. I let them know he probably sinned in some way we didn't know about and not to worry as only a measly 1% die from this illness but they didn't seem to be satisfied with my answer.

Some have even been saying "Perhaps it's Jesus's will that people view our sermons from the comfort of their homes and not congregate in mass while we have a global pandemic." Sounds absurd in my opinion, but I am doing my best to lead others to You.

Ordinarily I would assume he did something sinful, but given the circumstances I thought it might be quite possible he was collateral damage from You/Your Dad's bet with Satan (like Job's children), so I didn't want to rush to judgment.
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Cross Re: 2020: My Worst Easter EVER! - 04-13-2020, 03:52 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Prayer Warrior View Post
Dear Jesus, it is great to see you again this Easter! I'm thrilled to be among one of the few services that continues to give thanks and praise to You even during this pandemic! Terrific sermon from Pastor Ezekiel as always.

I'm curious as to what happened to this pastor.
...stuff...
I'm still in a bad mood and I'm only answering prayers this Easter, not having a Q&A session. Bad karma from the Easter past, y'know...


Blessed is Me.
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Jesus Re: 2020: My Worst Easter EVER! - 04-13-2020, 01:19 PM

Oh, my! What a tremendous thrill this is, dear , to have You grace with Your wondrous presence! You know, I just can't wait to tell the girls about this when we meet at our Wednesday Afternoon McGill Street Ladies' Prayer Meeting, Bible Study and Tea & Social. I do hope that You are in a better mood today, now that we're about to commemorate Your glorious ascension to Heaven above, after having risen from Your dreary, dead state yesterday.

Speaking of rising, dear , and since You say that You are answering prayers today, I'm wondering if You could kindly bless the yeast that I use in my baking. You see, my hot cross buns did not rise properly, so I suspect that the yeast is not activating properly. Goodness, was I disappointed and annoyed! I might as well have been making chapati (not that I would ever entertain the notion of making any type of bread that they eat in those bound nations that deny Your blessed offer of salvation.) And, I know that You will be only too willing to take care of this for me, to keep Your heavenly Father happy by seeing us being in obedience to instruction! Thank you, Dear, and may You bless You.

Ecclesiastes 9:7 "Go thy way, eat thy bread with joy, and drink thy wine with a merry heart; for God now accepteth thy works."




(Mrs.) Isabella White

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Default Re: 2020: My Worst Easter EVER! - 04-13-2020, 01:30 PM

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Originally Posted by Isabella White View Post
I'm wondering if You could kindly bless the yeast that I use in my baking.
Ok.


Blessed is Me.
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Default Re: 2020: My Worst Easter EVER! - 04-13-2020, 02:22 PM

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I'm still in a bad mood and I'm only answering prayers this Easter, not having a Q&A session. Bad karma from the Easter past, y'know...
In that case, I pray 2021 is Your best Easter yet!
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Default Re: 2020: My Worst Easter EVER! - 04-13-2020, 02:27 PM

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Originally Posted by Prayer Warrior View Post
In that case, I pray 2021 is Your best Easter yet!
Maybe later.


Blessed is Me.
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Bible Re: 2020: My Worst Easter EVER! - 04-13-2020, 03:47 PM

As the kind of guy that tries to look at the bright side of things, all the Easter foods and such remained on the shelves at the store, enabling me to buy it at steeply discounted prices and and store away to sell during a later Holiday. God does provide. I also managed to locate a massive amount of hard boiled eggs and the Hutchins females will be making a lot of egg salad.


Isaiah 45:7 I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the LORD do all these things.
Amos 3:6 Shall a trumpet be blown in the city, and the people not be afraid? shall there be evil in a city, and the LORD hath not done it?
Numbers 21:6 And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died.
Matthew 10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
Matthew 10:35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
Matthew 10:36 And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.
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Default Re: 2020: My Worst Easter EVER! - 04-14-2020, 09:49 AM

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I actually hung on a freaking cross. With buttplug-size nail through my hands and ankles.
My apologies, Lord, but, as a True Christian™, I have no recent experience with one of those. Is there a preferred size?

Praise you!


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Bible Re: 2020: My Worst Easter EVER! - 04-14-2020, 11:44 AM

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Originally Posted by WWJDnow View Post
My apologies, Lord, but, as a True Christian™, I have no recent experience with one of those. Is there a preferred size?

Praise you!
Yes. There is.

And you're not too good at this prayer thingy, are you? I should probably know as I Created you. And made Matt my Pal write about you in his Gospel 5:3. Anyways, I'm off to see Disney's Onward. It has some nice ideas I might re-cycle into the New Heaven and New Earth.


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Default Re: 2020: My Worst Easter EVER! - 04-14-2020, 11:50 AM

I am so ashamed. I was asked about Easter.

"Who is Easter?"

I didn't know. What should I have said?
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Default Re: 2020: My Worst Easter EVER! - 04-14-2020, 12:16 PM

Dear Jesus;

Could you please help with this cough that has been plaguing me--sorry, poor choice of words--that has been hanging around for the past month?


Also could you multiple my toilet paper and turn water into hand sanitizer? Actually, that was a dumb question. I know that you could, but would you please?


Thank you in advance for your consideration in these matters. Please feel free to reach out to me with any further instructions or concerns.


Sincerely,
Handmaiden, TC ,BA 2010 AD


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Cross Re: 2020: My Worst Easter EVER! - 04-14-2020, 12:30 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by MitzaLizalor View Post
I am so ashamed. I was asked about Easter.

"Who is Easter?"

I didn't know. What should I have said?
Me Christ, woman! You should have simply Praised Me!


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Default Re: 2020: My Worst Easter EVER! - 04-14-2020, 12:31 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by handmaiden View Post
Dear Jesus;

Could you please help with this cough that has been plaguing me--sorry, poor choice of words--that has been hanging around for the past month?
Yes.
Quote:
Also could you multiple my toilet paper and turn water into hand sanitizer? Actually, that was a dumb question. I know that you could, but would you please?
No.


Blessed is Me.
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Default Re: 2020: My Worst Easter EVER! - 04-14-2020, 03:58 PM

White Jesus you sure are amazing. As a devout Baptist I hope to be cured of being a nigra and to become on par as the fine Christian White folk here. I could care less about the Chinese virus and am saddened that a lot of people decided to abandon their Christian duties of attending church in person this past Easter. It’s almost as if they cared more about themselves than you.
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Default Re: 2020: My Worst Easter EVER! - 04-14-2020, 05:42 PM

Dear Jesus,



I realized You were upset at mankind when you sent a plague of locust to Kenya. You confirmed this by flooding Englandistan in February, and I was half expecting this. It is unfortunate, but mankind must learn the error of his ways.

I have made the assumption that you will cause the Potomac to run red with blood, frogs will be everywhere, and the death of the firstborn is a foregone conclusion.

However, I am writing this as my numerous, air-headed granddaughters have firstborns with birthdays throughout the year. If You could see Your Way clear to giving me a clue as to when the deaths will begin, I could avoid unnecessary expense in presents and tithe more towards Your inevitable and eternal expenses.

Thanks in advance

YIY

E Bathfire





“We must reassert that the essence of Christianity is the love of obedience to God’s Laws and that how that complete obedience is used or implemented does not concern us.”

Author of such illuminating essays as,
Map of the Known World; Periodic Table of Elements; The History of Linguistics; The Errors of Wicca; Dolphins and Evolution; The History of Landover (The Apology); Landover and the Civil War; 2000 Racial Slurs.
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Default Re: 2020: My Worst Easter EVER! - 04-15-2020, 09:00 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Uncle Rutherford View Post
White Jesus you sure are amazing. As a devout Baptist I hope to be cured of being a nigra and to become on par as the fine Christian White folk here. I could care less about the Chinese virus and am saddened that a lot of people decided to abandon their Christian duties of attending church in person this past Easter. It’s almost as if they cared more about themselves than you.
Maybe later.


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Default Re: 2020: My Worst Easter EVER! - 04-15-2020, 09:01 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ezekiel Bathfire View Post
...If You could see Your Way clear to giving me a clue as to when the deaths will begin, I could avoid unnecessary expense in presents and tithe more towards Your inevitable and eternal expenses.

Thanks in advance

YIY

E Bathfire
They've begun. It'll take a while.


Blessed is Me.
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