[Pastor Ezekiel]

If you are a beginner atheist, there's a belief system you should embrace and a language you should learn, or you will find yourself in trouble. Here are ten suggestions for the novice:

1. Whenever you are presented with credible evidence for God's existence, call it a "straw man argument," or "circular reasoning." If something is quoted from somewhere, label it "quote mining."

2. When a True Christian™ says that creation proves that there is a Creator, dismiss such common sense by saying "That's just the old watchmaker argument."

3. When you hear that you have everything to gain and nothing to lose (the pleasures of Heaven, and the endurance of Hell) by obeying the Gospel, say "That's just the old 'Pascal wager.'"

4. You can also deal with the "whoever looks on a woman to lust for her, has committed adultery with her already in his heart," by saying that there is no evidence that Jesus existed. None.

5. Believe that the Bible is full of mistakes, and actually says things like the world is flat. Do not read it for yourself. That is a big mistake. Instead, read, believe, and imitate Richard Dawkins. Learn and practice the use of big words. "Megalo-maniacal, sadomasochistic, capriciously malevolent bully" is a good phrase to learn.

6. Say that you were once a genuine Christian, and that you found it to be false. (The cool thing about being an atheist is that you can lie through your teeth, because you believe that are no moral absolutes.) Additionally, if a True Christian™ points out that this is impossible (simply due to the very definition of True Christianity™ as one who knows the Lord), just reply "That's the 'no true Scotsman fallacy.'" PLEASE NOTE: It cannot be overly emphasized how learning and using these little phrases can help you feel secure in dismissing common sense.

7. Believe that nothing is 100% certain, except the theory of Darwinian evolution. Do not question it. Believe with all of your heart that there is credible scientific evidence for species-to-species transitional forms. When you make any argument, pat yourself on the back by concluding with "Man, are you busted!" That will make you feel good about yourself.

8. Deal with the threat of eternal punishment by saying that you don't believe in the existence of Hell. Then convince yourself that because you don't believe in something, it therefore doesn't exist. Don't follow that logic onto a railway line and an oncoming train.

9. Blame Christianity for the atrocities of the Roman Catholic church--when it tortured Christians through the Spanish Inquisition, imprisoned Galileo for his beliefs, or when it allows Papist Priests to molest children.

10. Finally, keep in fellowship with other like-minded atheists who believe as you believe, and encourage each other in your beliefs. Build up your faith. Never doubt for a moment. Remember, the key to atheism is to be unreasonable. Fall back on that when you feel threatened. Think shallow, and keep telling yourself that you are intelligent. Remember, an atheist is someone who pretends there is no God.

[Elohim]

Arrogant prick. Why would anyone bother writing something like this. It's obvious that when being isolated in your faith-head community you develope extremely arrogant and childish tendencies. Like attacks on people who people differently, not just displays of how you believe differently, but you really do your best to try to ridicule people in the only way you can. By throwing shitty remarks like "The cool thing about being an atheist is that you can lie through your teeth, because you believe that are no moral absolutes" which obviously is ridiculous. I could tell you why, but I won't bother. If you're going to respond to this post please leave the scripture out of it, seeing as it's no more than fiction to me and I won't bother reading it.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Originally Posted by Elohim

Arrogant prick. Why would anyone bother writing something like this. It's obvious that when being isolated in your faith-head community you develope extremely arrogant and childish tendencies. Like attacks on people who people differently, not just displays of how you believe differently, but you really do your best to try to ridicule people in the only way you can. By throwing shitty remarks like "The cool thing about being an atheist is that you can lie through your teeth, because you believe that are no moral absolutes" which obviously is ridiculous. I could tell you why, but I won't bother. If you're going to respond to this post please leave the scripture out of it, seeing as it's no more than fiction to me and I won't bother reading it.

Brothers and sisters, here you see an excellent example of the unbridled hatred that seethes from these atheists. They are like spoiled little children who want their way and can't have it. They reject the love that Christ offers them and instead waste their lives flailing about, throwing hissy fits like the one you see above, because they just refuse to accept the reality of God. If it wasn't for their hatred, I might almost feel sorry for them.

This is why hell is teeming over, and Heaven will be spacious, praise Jesus.

[Elohim]

Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel

Brothers and sisters, here you see an excellent example of the unbridled hatred that seethes from these atheists. They are like spoiled little children who want their way and can't have it. They reject the love that Christ offers them and instead waste their lives flailing about, throwing hissy fits like the one you see above, because they just refuse to accept the reality of God. If it wasn't for their hatred, I might almost feel sorry for them.

This is why hell is teeming over, and Heaven will be spacious, praise Jesus.

And if it wasn't for YOUR hatred, I might care that you're wasting the one life you have. Accept reality.

[VictoryOS]

Originally Posted by Elohim

Arrogant prick. Why would anyone bother writing something like this. It's obvious that when being isolated in your faith-head community you develope extremely arrogant and childish tendencies. Like attacks on people who people differently, not just displays of how you believe differently, but you really do your best to try to ridicule people in the only way you can. By throwing shitty remarks like "The cool thing about being an atheist is that you can lie through your teeth, because you believe that are no moral absolutes" which obviously is ridiculous. I could tell you why, but I won't bother. If you're going to respond to this post please leave the scripture out of it, seeing as it's no more than fiction to me and I won't bother reading it.

11. If you have no real rebuttal to a Christian's solid argument, act as if it's not worth your time to respond. Use arrogant phrases such as, "I could tell you why, but I won't bother." Hope the Christian doesn't notice that you've already spent a good deal of time explaining why you don't have time to explain.

[Bob4God]

12. Insist that the Bible is filled with inconsistencies such as conflicting statements regarding CHRIST's last words on the cross, how many people went to His grave the next Sunday, the order of what was created when, GOD's attitudes between the Old Testament and the New Testament, where Mary and Joseph fled, and so on. These are classic atheist arguments that arise from weak-minded people interpreting the Bible out of context.

13. Make it seem like Christianity borrows many of its traditions and beliefs from older, pagan religions, and that JESUS wasn't the first god to be born of a virgin, hunted by kings, persecuted for his beliefs, tried, put to death and resurrected to ascend into Heaven. Make illogical points about how Egyptian gods allegedly did the same things generations before Christianity.

14. Use the old "we are all atheists" tactic where you say that Christians are actually atheists to every other god that was ever invented, but YOU just happen to believe in one less god than the Christians. Drag up the old quote, "I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours" and then smugly act like you've made a 'valid' point.

[BeetSoup]

How to be a Christian:

1. Abandon all sense of rationality, logic, and reason. In fact, just abandon all sense altogether.
2. Apply supernatural explanations to ALL unknown phenomena. If we don't have it answer to it, that obviously means that God did it.
3. When presented with evidence of evolution, immediately start calling evolution "just a theory", because theories are untested and don't have any proof, RIGHT!?!?!?
4. Say that God gave you "divine, spiritual proof" of his existence. (The cool thing about being a Christian is that you can do whatever you want as long as you ask Jesus for forgiveness.)
5. Believe that the Bible is the only 100% absolute truth, because it says in the Bible that the Bible is true.
6. Threaten ANYONE who says anything that isn't "JESUS IS LORD" with eternal pain and suffering.
7. Finally, keep in fellowship with other like-minded Christians who believe as you believe, and encourage each other in your beliefs. Build up your faith. Never doubt for a moment. Remember, the key to Christianity is to be unreasonable. Fall back on that when you feel threatened. Think shallow, and keep telling yourself that you are intelligent. Remember, a Christian is someone who pretends there is a God.


Hey, y'know, I'm just doing the same thing you did. It's not like what you're doing is "right" just because you're rooting for Christianity.

[Ezekiel Bathfire]

Originally Posted by YeetBoikBop

How to be a Christian:

1. Abandon all sense of rationality, [...] God.


Hey, y'know, I'm just doing the same thing you did. It's not like what you're doing is "right" just because you're rooting for Christianity.

The topic is how to be an atheist, not how to be a True Christian; we know how to do that!


15: remind everyone that there are over 1000 gods and the fact that you believe in just one less god than a Christian puts the Christan close to atheism.

[Pastor Isaac Peters]

16. Argue that the Biblical commandments to commit genocide, stone rape victims to death, and the like prove that the Bible is not a fit guide to morality. Obviously, you know more about morality than God Almighty, being a clever atheist and all.

[Rev. M. Rodimer]

17. Trot out the flip side of "Pascal's Wager". Say, "OK, you say I have everything to gain and nothing to lose by following Jesus. But what if you're wrong, and I should be following the Flying Spaghetti Monster? Wouldn't I just be pi**ing off the FSM EVEN MORE by following Jesus?" (Christians are always awed by the invocation of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, and the very thought of his Noodly Appendage induces nightmares about their upcoming church spaghetti dinner.)

[Uncle Crow]

Dude, atheists get me angry because they think they're better than everyone else.

[Nobar King]

Originally Posted by cridreat

Dude, atheists get me angry because they think they're better than everyone else.

I'll help you out for this one:

18: Go around telling other people that you're better than them because you're an atheist.

[JennyD]

19. No matter how many times a Pastor explains to you in great detail how God can also be Jesus and the Holy Ghost, persist in asking, "Well, WHY would He pray to Himself?" Then add, "For that matter, why would He sacrifice Himself to Himself, so He could change His own mind?" It doesn't matter that you just answered your own question. Look at the Pastor as though he is retarded, no matter what explanation he gives. This helps communicate to him your innate atheistic superiority.

[JennyD]

20. Be sure not to put too much effort into your spelling or grammar when being an "online atheist". You see, if you write like a 733+4rd or other 4chan reject, others will realize that you are both "hip" and "with it", and that you are so secure in your knowledge that God does not exist that you need not concern yourself with whether people think you're an imbecile, a raving lunatic, or just a self-important homeless white trash (or even Negro or HisPanic) teenager with no formal education.

Special note: The most "kewl" and "groovy" atheists are such mellow "hep cats" that they don't even bother to spell "atheist" correctly. Be sure to type it as "athiest", and talk about "christains". It just shows those silly Christians how little you care what they think of you or what you say!

Say it with me, "im a athiest sooooo scary & i h8 christains cuz they luv jeebuz & u all goin 2 hell cuz u call me fuddpakr & god saz u hafta b tolrent".

21. When asked for references for your various claims of "science", be sure you don't provide anything (or, at best, Wikipedia). Tell them that they should look it up for themselves; after all, you don't need references or proof, because you know better. You're an ATHEIST. (Oops. I mean, "Ur a ATHIEST".)

[Remy Lebeau]

22. Never EVER actually take the time to educate yourself on the various theories you purport to be true. Remember, it's bad for a Christian to blindly believe their pastors, Bible and God Almighty (the Creator of everything), but it's perfectly acceptable to blindly follow some human being who claimed to have discovered this or that absurdity and any publication such men put to print. It's "cool" to be an atheist. Being an atheist makes you smart... even if all that science goes right over your head. Ignore that fact that you are NOT a scientist and have never conducted any experiments yourself.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Shout Glory!!

[Dirk]

Why again Pastor?

[Billy Bob Jenkins]

23. Spend your free time swearing in front of children and punching pregnant women in the stomach.

[iluvdarwin]

Originally Posted by BeetSoup

How to be a Christian:

1. Abandon all sense of rationality, logic, and reason. In fact, just abandon all sense altogether.
2. Apply supernatural explanations to ALL unknown phenomena. If we don't have it answer to it, that obviously means that God did it.
3. When presented with evidence of evolution, immediately start calling evolution "just a theory", because theories are untested and don't have any proof, RIGHT!?!?!?
4. Say that God gave you "divine, spiritual proof" of his existence. (The cool thing about being a Christian is that you can do whatever you want as long as you ask Jesus for forgiveness.)
5. Believe that the Bible is the only 100% absolute truth, because it says in the Bible that the Bible is true.
6. Threaten ANYONE who says anything that isn't "JESUS IS LORD" with eternal pain and suffering.
7. Finally, keep in fellowship with other like-minded Christians who believe as you believe, and encourage each other in your beliefs. Build up your faith. Never doubt for a moment. Remember, the key to Christianity is to be unreasonable. Fall back on that when you feel threatened. Think shallow, and keep telling yourself that you are intelligent. Remember, a Christian is someone who pretends there is a God.

8. Lobotomize yourself with a crucifix up your nose until you feel the *pop*. In between your incoherent raving and drooling, yell "jesus", "bible", and "hell" intermittently.

9. Judge everyone whose opinion varies from yours to be evil or a homosexual to hide your own lack of self-importance or value to society. Whenever someone turns that judgmental looking glass back at you, quote a book that has been translated hundreds of times over a thousand years by slaves forced to interpret it the way the current regieme dictated. The only true version is written in hebrew and ALL current bibles are Cliff's Notes of the real thing.

[Lisa H]

Originally Posted by iluvdarwin

8. Lobotomize yourself with a crucifix up your nose until you feel the *pop*. In between your incoherent raving and drooling, yell "jesus", "bible", and "hell" intermittently.

9. Judge everyone whose opinion varies from yours to be evil or a homosexual to hide your own lack of self-importance or value to society. Whenever someone turns that judgmental looking glass back at you, quote a book that has been translated hundreds of times over a thousand years by slaves forced to interpret it the way the current regieme dictated. The only true version is written in hebrew and ALL current bibles are Cliff's Notes of the real thing.