[Dr. Anthony J. Toole]

Australia is the drunkest country in the world, survey finds

While French drank most times a week, Australians got drunk an average of 27 times a year, almost double the global average

Australians have been named the heaviest drinkers in the world after spending more time drunk in 2020 than any other nation. An international survey has found Australians drank to the point of drunkenness an average of 27 times a year, almost double the global average of 15. Almost a quarter of Australians reported feeling regret for becoming intoxicated.

Frequency of being drunk – top 10 countries

1 Australia
2 Denmark
3 Finland
4 US
5 UK
6 Canada
7 Ireland
8 France
9 Sweden
10 Netherlands

This should come as no surprize to anybody familiar with any Austrians. Only twenty seven times a year?!? Probably during work hours, not counting weekends. And Austria, that's not "regret", it's a hangover. Stop praying to the porcelain Gods and get on your knees for Jesus.

[Joanna Lytton-Vasey]

That glue wine they are so fond of is awful stuff!

Almost a quarter of Australians reported feeling regret for becoming intoxicated.

So more than three quarters of them didn't?

[Didymus Much]

So what about the ones that just never sober up? How did they account for them?

Originally Posted by Joanna Lytton-Vasey

That glue wine they are so fond of is awful stuff!...

No lies detected.

[handmaiden]

They also have high incidences of skin cancer. It's just nice to know that God is on task with punishments against those awful people.

[Dennis Lukes]

According to Google there seem to be dozens of beer halls in Vienna alone. No wonder they keep claiming to have seen duck-billed beavers, egg-laying hedgehogs, large creatures that move by bouncing, and other obvious drunken foolishness.

[Johny Joe Hold]

Isn't Austria the country with jackrabbits and kangaroos? If I had to look at those ugly animals I'd get drunk too.

[WilliamJenningsBryan]

The Australians drink so much that they use their leftover brewers' yeast mixed with vegetables to make their food - a vile and disgusting product they call Vegemite.

Years ago we sent a Mission over there to try and Save them, but it looks like we didn't succeed.

Now the country has been taken over by communists, and their citizens are being taken away in the middle of the night and put in Covid concentration camps. Now they are crying for someone to come and save them and restore their freedom. They also listened to the LIEberals and gave up their guns (Jesus says everyone should have two of them). I'm afraid it's too late.

[Dennis Lukes]

Originally Posted by Johny Joe Hold

Isn't Austria the country with jackrabbits and kangaroos? If I had to look at those ugly animals I'd get drunk too.

Wait, they're real?

[handmaiden]

Originally Posted by Dennis Lukes

Wait, they're real?

I think that may be a camel with some chromosome deficiencies. . . Or maybe a moose with rickets.

[Dr. Anthony J. Toole]

Brothers, Sisters, I think you've fallen for the famous Wiener Schmäh humor. It's a joke animal! They have 36+ jokes in Austria; the cabaret artist Josef Hader suggests that Schmäh unites charm and a certain kind of unfriendliness that are normally incompatible. It is considered to be subtle, indirect and full of hidden innuendo. For example:

An Austrian joke: Arnold Schwarzenegger gets a call from his agent...

Who tells him that an up-and-coming director is looking for German- and Austrian-born actors for a movie.

"It's a little different than the stuff you're known for," the agent says, "It's a period piece about classical music composers. Should I arrange an audition?"

"There is no need," Arnold says. "I'll be Bach."

It's even funnier in German, I'm told.

[Unfalsifiable]

Austria was the place that the monster Josef Fritzl came from? They anointed him as an Australian hero at the time:

Looks like God is taking his timely revenge.

[Phil Ander]

Originally Posted by Dr. Anthony J. Toole

It's even funnier in German, I'm told.

There were zwei peanuts walking down the strasse and one was....


No-one could ever tell me how this funny story ended.

[MitzaLizalor]

Originally Posted by Phil Ander

There were zwei peanuts walking down the strasse and one was....

No-one could ever tell me how this funny story ended.

....saying to the other, “My dog has no nose.”
To which the other replied, “How does it smell?”
“It can't.”

[Dr. Anthony J. Toole]

Originally Posted by MitzaLizalor

....saying to the other, “My dog has no nose.”
To which the other replied, “How does it smell?”
“It can't.”
"I'll be Bach."

Sister, I added a punchline to your joke - it seemed to be missing one. Please let me know if you need me to explain it.

[MitzaLizalor]

I'm not sure whether Austrian jokes have punchlines. Or whether "It can't" is the springboard for a serious expression, the local equivalent of laughter. And let's face it, anywhere coming up with Quandong Obstler needs serious reevaluation in the jokes dept.

"Pootie Tang" (it says here)

3 parts sloe gin
3 parts quandong obstler
3 parts sweet vermouth
1 part lime juice
1 part quandong berry syrup
+ ice

Stir.
Serve in a martini glass with fish.

I'm guessing that shape glass hurls the stuff down your neck so fast before you get what it tastes like you've drunk it. Makes you envy the dog doesn't it?

[Didymus Much]

Originally Posted by MitzaLizalor

...Serve in a martini glass with fish...

Where the heck are you getting fish small enough to fit in a martini glass?

[The Attention Seeker Jen (On Moderation)]

Maybe it was one of these pesky little bastards - apparently, they swim up your urethra and eat you from the inside out. You can't make this up, one would think these fishes came out of the Bible.

[MitzaLizalor]

Originally Posted by Didymus Much

Where the heck are you getting fish small enough to fit in a martini glass?

In the header,

"Pootie Tang" (it says here)

look for the parenthetical it says here. The idea is that I'm copying a recipe which I don't fully understand myself. Presumably the beverage is to accompany fish dishes. I've tried to channel the drunken Austrian by rearranging words for you. There are 5,040 combinations of which I'll post 7 because there's 7 words; the other 5,033 you can write in later but all of them reflect the Austrian mind running on schnapps.


1. Serve in a martini glass with fish.
2. In with martini glass serve a fish.
3. With a fish in martini serve glass.
4. Martini serve in with glass fish a.
5. A glass fish martini in serve with.
6. Fish glass martini a in with serve.
:
:
:
7! With fish a martini glass serve in.


It could be intended to add a rollmop herring though. The ingredients I reported did not mention that however.

[Dr. Anthony J. Toole]

2 martinis, hold the fish.

[MitzaLizalor]

Originally Posted by Joanna Lytton-Vasey

So more than three quarters of them didn't?

Probably the ones not drinking antifreeze.

And of course Austria has the thickest and most comfortable overstuffed 2’ thick down mattresses. It's like sleeping in clouds. Obviously after a few fermented fish martinis walking is also like sleeping in clouds and I won't mention their ridiculously overpowered cars. Clouds would be the least of your problems.

EDIT: reduce volume