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Straight 4 Jesus! (Back Door Christians) At LBC, we will cure your perversion of choice (even if we have to stone you).

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Default my story - 11-11-2007, 04:35 AM
Thank Moses' sweet manhood that this forum is here for people like me! I am a former homasexual who recently has seen the glorious straight light. Just one month ago, I was a trouser wearin, Rosie watching, sin hole lovin lesbeen. Until one fateful day , when Pastor Glenn of the Upstate Baptist Congregation wrastled me into the back of the Jesusmobile and we set upon a week long session of baptizin and straightifying. Thank the Lord my grandma paid him eight thousand dollars to straighten me out. After Pastor Glenn released me from the basement, even though I was bruised, oxygen deprived and half drunk on ether, I emerged a reborn Christian woman. Pastor Glenn was kind enough to let me stay on , sleeping in the basement in exchange my cleaning, cooking, and helping him with his weekly bath. Now all I need to do is find a good Christian husband (since Kirk Cameron is taken!) and try out my reborn hoo-ha with a man as the good lord intended.
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Default Re: my story - 11-11-2007, 05:32 AM
Your username would suggest that you still have a certain fondness for women.


Wake up and smell the 21st Century!!
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Default Re: my story - 11-11-2007, 05:46 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rachael Van Helsing View Post
Your username would suggest that you still have a certain fondness for women.
What? She's a cat lover is all. Nothing wrong with that...

Quote:
Originally Posted by i_love_me_pussy! View Post
Thank Moses' sweet manhood that this forum is here for people like me! I am a former homasexual who recently has seen the glorious straight light. Just one month ago, I was a trouser wearin, Rosie watching, sin hole lovin lesbeen. Until one fateful day , when Pastor Glenn of the Upstate Baptist Congregation wrastled me into the back of the Jesusmobile and we set upon a week long session of baptizin and straightifying. Thank the Lord my grandma paid him eight thousand dollars to straighten me out. After Pastor Glenn released me from the basement, even though I was bruised, oxygen deprived and half drunk on ether, I emerged a reborn Christian woman. Pastor Glenn was kind enough to let me stay on , sleeping in the basement in exchange my cleaning, cooking, and helping him with his weekly bath. Now all I need to do is find a good Christian husband (since Kirk Cameron is taken!) and try out my reborn hoo-ha with a man as the good lord intended.
Welcome friend, and good luck on your road to Salvation©. Please try and remember to capitalize properly, to show the respect that Jesus deserves.

I don't think any of us are interested in hearing any further details about your sex life, unless you made any videos or photo esssays of your lezbean trysts. We would like to hear about your favorite Bible verses.

Also, what is your Tithing level going to be? Please get all your financial paperwork in order and click on the Paypal button at the bottom of this page.

Praise Jesus for saving you from a life of rugmunching.

Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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Default Re: my story - 11-11-2007, 06:21 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
What? She's a cat lover is all. Nothing wrong with that...
Then why didn't she say 'I love my kitty'?


Wake up and smell the 21st Century!!
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Default Re: my story - 11-11-2007, 11:02 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rachael Van Helsing View Post
Your username would suggest that you still have a certain fondness for women.
Stop trying to re-queer this poor ex-she-sodomite, you accursed woman!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rachael Van Helsing View Post
Then why didn't she say 'I love my kitty'?
Because she knew freaks like you would try and twist the word "kitty" into something perverted!

O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it--for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen.
God being truth, justice, goodness, beauty, power, and life, man is falsehood, iniquity, evil, ugliness, impotence, and death. God being master, man is the slave. Incapable of finding justice, truth, and eternal life by his own effort, he can attain them only through a divine revelation... he who desires to worship God must harbor no childish illusions about the matter, but bravely renounce his liberty and humanity.
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Default Re: my story - 11-11-2007, 11:17 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rachael Van Helsing View Post
Then why didn't she say 'I love my kitty'?
Just because Fornicating with cats is your lifestyle choice it doesn't mean everyone is the same as you


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HE took the damsel by the hand, and said unto her, Talitha Cumi; which is,
being interpreted, Damsel, I say unto thee, arise!...Mark 5:41


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Default Re: my story - 11-11-2007, 11:04 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post



I don't think any of us are interested in hearing any further details about your sex life, unless you made any videos or photo esssays of your lezbean trysts. We would like to hear about your favorite Bible verses.


Praise Jesus for saving you from a life of rugmunching.
Thank you brother. There are indeed videotapes of my sinful encounters with Big Bertha (my former co-thespian) from Pastor Glenn's extensive month long surveilance sting. To get sufficient evidence of my homoism, he placed hidden cameras in my bedroom at grandma's house as well as the back of Bertha's tractor trailer truck. Unfortunately, these videos are locked up in Pastor Glenn's "sin cabinet" so I can't get them to you. Pastor Glenn only takes them out for special church deacon meetings.

As far as my favorite bible verse, this one is my favorite:

1 Timothy 2:11-12
Let a woman learn in silence with all submission. And I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man, but to be in silence.

Pastor Glenn has really helped me with this. He makes all the females in church sit on the floor and eat hotdogs lest some usurping words escape their lips during the service.

praise!!
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Default Re: my story - 11-15-2007, 04:13 AM
Can you honestly say you don't still want some puss?

Your pathetic if you, in yourself, think you can be cured of this "disease", or lifestyle as I put it.

piffle jesus off.
piffle god off.
And be your piffleing self.

Me and my boyfriends (yes, I say boyfriends because I have quite a few ) are all totally happy and honest and open, and our lifes couldn't be better.

This is the age of free speach and being yourself, not the 1900's where being gay was illegal, why not embrace yourself instead of screwing yourself up in a ball of heterosexuality?
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Default Re: my story - 11-15-2007, 04:35 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by LOLWTF View Post
Can you honestly say you don't still want some puss?

Your pathetic if you, in yourself, think you can be cured of this "disease", or lifestyle as I put it.

piffle jesus off.
piffle god off.
And be your piffleing self.

Me and my boyfriends (yes, I say boyfriends because I have quite a few ) are all totally happy and honest and open, and our lifes couldn't be better.

This is the age of free speach and being yourself, not the 1900's where being gay was illegal, why not embrace yourself instead of screwing yourself up in a ball of heterosexuality?
Can it with the vulgarity friend. You are a guest here.


Time to reclaim our FREEDOM from the “Mullah in Chief” and his growing activist voter hoards of socialists, communists, anti-Semites, anti-Christians, atheists, radical gays and lesbians, feminists, illegal immigrants, Muslims, anti-Anglo whites and others.

Hot Must ReadThreads!


Time to come clean on Benghazi Mr Obama!
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Default Re: my story - 11-15-2007, 05:36 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by LOLWTF View Post

(first part of post deleted for profanity and nasty language)

... why not embrace yourself instead of screwing yourself up in a ball of heterosexuality?
Well at least we can safely say that with your deathstyle you won't be procreating unsavory little copies of yourself, but of course you are on your way to hell, homer!

Enjoy! Sister Noddy

1st Timothy 2: 9 In like manner also, that women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with broided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array;
1st Timothy 2: 10 But (which becometh women professing godliness) with good works ...

1 Timothy 5: 16 If any man or woman that believeth have widows, let them relieve them, and let not the church be charged; that it may relieve them that are widows indeed ...

Proverbs 31: 26 She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness ...
Proverbs 31: 27 She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness ...
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Default Re: my story - 11-15-2007, 06:05 AM
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Originally Posted by Sister Noddy View Post
Well at least we can safely say that with your deathstyle you won't be procreating unsavory little copies of yourself, but of course you are on your way to hell, homer!

Enjoy! Sister Noddy
Pathetic.
You only live once, hore, so why not live it well?

Stop worshipping some being that lives inthe sky.
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Default Re: my story - 11-15-2007, 07:11 AM
Friend.
I note you reside in Melbourne. If you were a smarter fag you would live in Sydney where there are lots more of your kind, but you are quite nasty and ugly and probably couldnt get sex of any description in Sydney where the gays are spoiled for choice. Stay in Melbourne and watch those little AFL buttocks running around the field, I'm sure you'll be happy.
stop abusing the pastors, they have your eternal salvation in mind and want to save your soul and your hole.
Put down that penis and pick up that KJV Bible! Give up your glory hole romances and give your love to Jesus!

The devil, whose business is to pervert the truth, mimics the exact circumstance of the Divine Sacraments. He baptises his believers and promises forgiveness of sins...he celebrates the oblation of bread, and brings in the symbol of the resurrection. Let us therefore acknowledge the craftiness of the devil, who copied certain things of those that be divine."
Tertullian (155-222 AD) from The Prescription Against Heretics' Ch XL
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Unhappy Re: my story - 11-15-2007, 07:25 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Brother Guy View Post
Friend.
I note you reside in Melbourne. If you were a smarter fag you would live in Sydney where there are lots more of your kind, but you are quite nasty and ugly and probably couldnt get sex of any description in Sydney where the gays are spoiled for choice. Stay in Melbourne and watch those little AFL buttocks running around the field, I'm sure you'll be happy.
stop abusing the pastors, they have your eternal salvation in mind and want to save your soul and your hole.
Put down that penis and pick up that KJV Bible! Give up your glory hole romances and give your love to Jesus!
Me and my bf moved to Melbourne, baby.
We both lived ther for 16 years, then we moved out.
We like to molest kangeroos.
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Default Re: my story - 11-15-2007, 07:36 AM
each post I read of yours makes me want to take a shower. You make me feel as if I've trodden in dog filth. You detestable little queer. Eating all that semen has rotted your brain cells.
Don't you fear for your eternal salvation? You will be Satans bitch , roasting slowly on the end of his giant barbed tallywhacker for all eternity if you don't repent!
You are in the Rim of Hell as we speak! The AIDS will get you soon, and only complete repentence and good honest heterosexual marriage can assure your path to heaven and JESUS.
Have you read the Bible, friend? Do you have any idea just how long eternity is?

The devil, whose business is to pervert the truth, mimics the exact circumstance of the Divine Sacraments. He baptises his believers and promises forgiveness of sins...he celebrates the oblation of bread, and brings in the symbol of the resurrection. Let us therefore acknowledge the craftiness of the devil, who copied certain things of those that be divine."
Tertullian (155-222 AD) from The Prescription Against Heretics' Ch XL
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Default Re: my story - 11-15-2007, 07:46 AM
Can we ban this retard and wipe all his posts?

The devil, whose business is to pervert the truth, mimics the exact circumstance of the Divine Sacraments. He baptises his believers and promises forgiveness of sins...he celebrates the oblation of bread, and brings in the symbol of the resurrection. Let us therefore acknowledge the craftiness of the devil, who copied certain things of those that be divine."
Tertullian (155-222 AD) from The Prescription Against Heretics' Ch XL
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Brother Guy Bayard's Avatar
Brother Guy Bayard Brother Guy Bayard is offline
Anvil of the Antipodes
True Christian™

Heaven Bound Protected by JESUS Ex-Masturbator Ready for the Rapture True Christian Caucasian True Christian™

 
Posts: 1,269
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: policing mockery of the free internets
Brother Guy Bayard has bribed people to get these reputation points.Brother Guy Bayard has bribed people to get these reputation points.Brother Guy Bayard has bribed people to get these reputation points.Brother Guy Bayard has bribed people to get these reputation points.Brother Guy Bayard has bribed people to get these reputation points.Brother Guy Bayard has bribed people to get these reputation points.Brother Guy Bayard has bribed people to get these reputation points.Brother Guy Bayard has bribed people to get these reputation points.Brother Guy Bayard has bribed people to get these reputation points.Brother Guy Bayard has bribed people to get these reputation points.Brother Guy Bayard has bribed people to get these reputation points.
Default Re: my story - 11-15-2007, 07:59 AM
Youll enjoy Hell sinner. Its a lot like Melbourne, but it rains less, and there's more fags.

The devil, whose business is to pervert the truth, mimics the exact circumstance of the Divine Sacraments. He baptises his believers and promises forgiveness of sins...he celebrates the oblation of bread, and brings in the symbol of the resurrection. Let us therefore acknowledge the craftiness of the devil, who copied certain things of those that be divine."
Tertullian (155-222 AD) from The Prescription Against Heretics' Ch XL
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Miss Maisie Miss Maisie is offline
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One Year/1000 posts Long service medal, 3rd class Bronze Tither True Christian™ Christian Love Saved 1 Year Real American™ True Heterosexual™ True Christian Lady True Christian Homemaker

 
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Miss Maisie has bribed people to get these reputation points.Miss Maisie has bribed people to get these reputation points.Miss Maisie has bribed people to get these reputation points.Miss Maisie has bribed people to get these reputation points.Miss Maisie has bribed people to get these reputation points.Miss Maisie has bribed people to get these reputation points.Miss Maisie has bribed people to get these reputation points.Miss Maisie has bribed people to get these reputation points.Miss Maisie has bribed people to get these reputation points.Miss Maisie has bribed people to get these reputation points.Miss Maisie has bribed people to get these reputation points.
Default Re: my story - 11-15-2007, 11:34 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by LOLWTF View Post
Me and my bf moved to Melbourne, baby.
We both lived ther for 16 years, then we moved out.
We like to molest kangeroos.
I think y'all are lying, mr queer gay person, about where you actually are in the world. Unless y'all are a witch that can invoke some demon to carry you off to the northern hemisphere to post on this forum, then back down to Australia again. Which I doubt.
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