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Love Jesus Having Sex With Jesus: A Biblical View of Godly Marital Relations - 02-21-2014, 08:51 PM

Marriage. Jesus doesn't like it, yet it's the lesser evil when compared to fornication:

1 Corinthians 7:1-2
1 Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman.

2 Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.


Marriage, therefore, has two functions related to sex: avoiding fornication and having lots of children (Genesis 1:28); the second function is especially important for us feeble minded females, as it is the only way we can be Saved™:

1 Timothy 2:15 Notwithstanding she shall be saved in childbearing, if they continue in faith and charity and holiness with sobriety.

One thing that the spouses need to remember, however, is that Jesus is with us at all time, especially when we are not alone:

Matthew 18:20 For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.

Assuming that both spouses are True Christians™, Jesus is with them at all times - obviously, during the sexual act as well.

I'll allow myself to quote a dead woman (who burns in Hell because she committed suicide, 1 Corinthians 3:17) on this subject:

Quote:
If he believe in God, let him pray to God at that moment, not only consecrating his body to God and praying for strength, but also asking God to be the third partner.
(Ida Craddock, Right Marital Living; note - children and even adult women should not click on that link, as this lecture is unsuitable for underdeveloped minds, and there are some passages which may give females some wrong ideas).


Therefore, the sexual act within a True Christian™ marriage is actually a threesome between a husband, a wife, and Jesus. If the reader wonders, what are the respective positions of each of the participating parties, we need to look no further than to the Matthew 18:20 passage quoted above - Jesus clearly says that He is in the middle of the couple. Technically, then, both spouses are actually having sex with rather than with each other. Therefore, True Christian™ women are actually "heavenly brides" (to use Miss Craddock's terminology again).

Disclaimer: I need to clarify that what I have written here is based purely on my Bible studies, and not on personal experience. I know that there have been some unsubstantiated rumors about my virtue, spread by the heathen who was my doctor at the time (I paid him for my Certificate of Virginity™ with two tickets for a cruise, and it seems that he spent a week or so stranded on the cruiser in the middle of the ocean). Since then, my new doctor, Dr. Niles, has checked my virginity deeply and thoroughly, and he issued me a new Certificate without hesitation.

I must admit, however, that I have some spiritual experience as a "heavenly bride." There was this one time, a late evening Bible study session. I had a little bit of a headache, and Mistress Cookie brought me some soothing herbal tea (you are such a darling, Sister!). I must have fallen asleep, and I had a vision of Jesus. (He had Pastor Zeke's face). I won't describe my vision in detail, but Jesus said to me: "Not that which goeth into the mouth defileth a woman; but that which cometh out of the mouth, this defileth a woman." He was clearly alluding to His own words, Matthew 15:11. I woke up the next morning with an interesting aftertaste in my mouth.

Oh, I love Jesus so much!... I cannot wait to have a True Christian™ husband, and to be with him and with Jesus again.

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Default Re: Having Sex With Jesus: A Biblical View of Godly Marital Relations - 02-23-2014, 03:09 AM

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Default Re: Having Sex With Jesus: A Biblical View of Godly Marital Relations - 03-03-2014, 06:42 AM

God as a third sexual partner....what a beautiful concept! Seeding a woman, especially one's wife, can be a grizzly, harrowing misadventure at best. But with Christ in the room replacing the gagging stench of coitus with the sweet smell of jasmine blooms on a summer breeze, and skewing reality enough for one to imagine that he isn't pounding the slop out of a rutting beast crusted with weeping sores, and guiding one's manhood so that it doesn't keep "accidentally" slipping into the nether-hole of uncleanliness...how can we fail with Him there doing these things?
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Default Re: Having Sex With Jesus: A Biblical View of Godly Marital Relations - 03-09-2014, 05:16 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Witch Hammer View Post
God as a third sexual partner....what a beautiful concept! Seeding a woman, especially one's wife, can be a grizzly, harrowing misadventure at best. But with Christ in the room replacing the gagging stench of coitus with the sweet smell of jasmine blooms on a summer breeze, and skewing reality enough for one to imagine that he isn't pounding the slop out of a rutting beast crusted with weeping sores, and guiding one's manhood so that it doesn't keep "accidentally" slipping into the nether-hole of uncleanliness...how can we fail with Him there doing these things?
Mr. Hammer, I cannot imagine the difficult task you men face when serving your duty to the LORD (Genesis 1:28). The way you explain it sounds simply horrific. I have a new appreciation for Mr. Etheldreda's resistance to be alone with me, and understand now why only liberals use the word "intimate" as if it's a valued thing.

Sister Basilissa, I love your explanation. It seems word is getting out!



Hello, my name is Mary. I hope to fellowship with you! That is, unless you don't listen to church authority (Deuteronomy 17:12); are a witch (Exodus 22:17); are a homosexual (Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:24-32); or fortuneteller (Leviticus 20:27) or a snotty kid who hits their dad (Exodus 21:15); or curses their parents (Proverbs 20:20; Leviticus 20:9); an adulterer (Leviticus 20:10); a non-Christian (Exodus 22:19; Deuteronomy 13:7-12; Deuteronomy 17:2-5;Romans 1:24-32); an atheist (2 Chronicles 15:12-13); or false prophet (Zechariah 13:3); from the town of one who worships another, false god (Deuteronomy 13:13-19); were a non-virgin bride (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); or blasphemer (Leviticus 24:10-16), as God calls for your execution and will no doubt send you to Hell, and I have no interest developing a friendship with the Spiritually Walking Dead.

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Default Re: Having Sex With Jesus: A Biblical View of Godly Marital Relations - 03-09-2014, 05:24 PM

Quote:
Since then, my new doctor, Dr. Niles, has checked my virginity deeply and thoroughly, and he issued me a new Certificate without hesitation.
Since I got my new wireless printer hooked up to my iphone I can provide any such certificate as and when required.

God bless.


1 Corinthians 11:3 But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.

Revelation 22:15 For without are dogs, and sorcerers, and whoremongers, and murderers, and idolaters, and whosoever loveth and maketh a lie.

Leviticus 20:13 If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.
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Default Re: Having Sex With Jesus: A Biblical View of Godly Marital Relations - 03-10-2014, 02:00 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mary Etheldreda View Post
Mr. Hammer, I cannot imagine the difficult task you men face when serving your duty to the LORD (Genesis 1:28). The way you explain it sounds simply horrific. I have a new appreciation for Mr. Etheldreda's resistance to be alone with me, and understand now why only liberals use the word "intimate" as if it's a valued thing.

Sister Basilissa, I love your explanation. It seems word is getting out!

Thank you for posting this picture, Sister Mary! I'm glad that this important issue is being raised. It is such a beautiful thought, to think that instead of a dirty sinful act with another human, Christian spouses are actually having an intercourse with God Himself!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dr Laurence Niles View Post
Since I got my new wireless printer hooked up to my iphone I can provide any such certificate as and when required.

God bless.
You are so kind, Dr. Niles!
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