[Gabriel Reproba]

Friends, we all know that when sweet baby Jesus blessed us with his everlasting and infinite love and placed us on this Earth and instructed us in how to behave in a kind and gentle manner, he made one thing perfectly clear: God hates fags and they must die a slow and painful death. the Bible is EXTREMELY clear on this:

Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is an abomination.(Leviticus 18:22 KJV)

If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.(Leviticus 20:13 KJV)

And for any fuzzy-bunny Christians who might object to these rules of morality, saying that they are outdated or superceded by the New Testament, you need to read your Bible! Jesus made sure that they were made clear in the New testament as well. Here is but ONE of the New testament passages commanding us to continue to deal with "vile" homos appropriately:

Romans 1:26-27

26For this cause God gave them up unto vile affections: for even their women did change the natural use into that which is against nature:

27And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another; men with men working that which is unseemly, and receiving in themselves that recompence of their error which was meet.

This is an unbelievably clear message as to how importance the "stone the gays" rules are. By comparison, consider for a moment the fact that not even the Ten Commandments are listed in the New Testament. THAT is how important it is for us to learn that gays are evil and must die and burn in Hell. Doubt me?

With such great emphasis on the evilness of gays in teh Bible, it should come as no surprise that the single greatest fear of a True Christian™ parent is that their child will not learn to love Jesus and end up in Hell because he is gay. Since the liberal gay agenda can be so subtle and insidious in its slow takeover of children, True Christian™ parents live in constant fear that their child will become indoctrinated into the homosexual cult without the parents even knowing it. I hear these questions every day: "How can we tell if the Hollywood ass-bandits are having a negative effect on our children? Are our gated communities, home schooling, and prohibitions against exposure to any and all liberal media enough? IS MY SON GAY?"

Fear not, proud parents of young soldiers of Christ! A new app on the Andriod market helps True Christian™ parents answer the single most important question a parent can ask. In fact, the name of the app is the question it helps you answer: "Is my son gay?"

The scientific app uses a list of 20 questions that are derived form hundreds of years of tested questionnaires. For those of you who have not adopted an Android phone, I have listed them below, along with the appropriate True Christian™ answers in red along with recommended corrections that will save your son's soul. If you get any "gay" answers, even one, your son is probably gay. Follow the associated instructions and contact a pastor immediately! If you get an unthinkable TWO affirmative answers, you may need to make an appointment with Michelle Bachman's husband!The questions are:

1. Does he like to dress up nicely? Does he pay close attention to his outfits and brand names? Yes = gay. Black suits and and ties from Target or Wal Mart is all he needs. Burn the rest. Have him read the Bible more.

2. Does he like football? No = gay. Sign him up for a fantasy football league and give him football trivia tests at dinner time. One rap across the knuckles for each wrong answer. (Also, see question 7, below.) Have him read the Bible more.

3. Before he was born did you wish he would be a girl? Yes = gay AND you should have yourself checked out. All True Christians™ pray for sons. Have him read the Bible more.

4. Has he ever gotten into or participated in a fight? Depends. If he was punching queers, then not gay. Getting bullied for wearing pink = gay. Make sure he punches queers if they bother him. Have him read the Bible more.

5. Does he read sports magazines? No = gay. Subscribe to SI, Men's Fitness, ESPN Mag, Muscle Builders Mag, etc. Have him read the Bible more.

6. Does he have a best friend? Yes = gay, unless his best friend is Jesus. Home school him and only let him out for church. Have him read the Bible more.

7. Does he like team sports? No = gay. Sign him up for football. They will beat the gay out of him. (Also solves question 2, above.) Have him read the Bible more.

8. Is he prudish/modest? Yes = gay. True Christian™ men know that they are right in all things because the Bible tells them they are. Have him attend some Town Hall meetings of the closest LIEberal politician you can find and get him to stand up and scream Scripture whenever the demoncrat tries to speak. Have him read the Bible more.

9. Does he like diva singers? Yes = gay. Burn his cassette tapes and records. Have him read the Bible more.

10. Does he spend a long time in the bathroom? Yes = gay. Install nanny cams to see if he is using skin products or...even worse....abusing himself. If so, lock him in your best prayer closet because he is already "in the closet." Have him read the Bible more.

11. Does he have a tongue, nose or ear piercing? Yes = gay. Rip them out. Have him read the Bible more.

12. Does he spend time getting ready before being seen in public? Yes = gay. Have him sleep in his work clothes and don't allow him to even go to the bathroom before leaving the house. Have him read the Bible more.

13. Have you asked yourself questions about your son's sexual orientation? No = gay. NOTE: This may seem counter-intuitive to some. Any True Chirstian™ parent will ALWAYS worry that their son is gay and do anything they can to make sure he is not. It is the guiding prinicple of all parenting decisions for a True Chirstian™. If you never question his sexuality, he won't know what to do when he is hit upon by a queer and he will end up gay. Ironically, just by reading this article and this exact question, you are answering it in the affirmative. Good job! Regardless, have him read the Bible more.

14. Are you divorced? yes = gay, unless you got a Matthew 5:32 divorce, you should stay together in a loveless marriage so your son will grow up well-adjusted. By remaining with a woman you can't stand, you demonstrate what a successful Christian marriage is and you show your son how to treat women the way God tells us to treat them. Also, have him read the Bible more.

15. Does he like musical comedies? Yes = gay. Burn all VHS tapes that you can find of Fred Astaire movies and, God forbid, South Pacific. Have him read the Bible more.

16. Has he introduced you to a girlfriend ever? No = gay. Arranged marriages work wonders in keeping the gay away. Have him read the Bible more.

17. Is the father (you) very strict or authoritarian with his son? No = gay. Spare the rod, spoil the child...and make him gay! Follow Proverbs 13:24: "He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes." Beat the gay out of him as God tells you to do!. Also, have him read the Bible more.

18. In your family is the father absent? No = gay. Again, to some this may be counter intuitive. But think about it. If you are home all the time, you are obviously not going to church enough. You are not going out after work with your buddies to "develop leads" or "take care of clients" while you wine and dine on your company's dime. It is the WIFE'S job to be at home with the children while you take care of all the things that you need to! Your job is to work all day, go out with your fellow promise keepers after work to proselytize to the unsaved, wine and dine clients till you are exhausted, etc. When you DO get home, you should eat the hot meal your wife has made for you, beat your children if your wife tells you they have misbehaved, then go to bed. THIS is what it means to be "absent." You make a sacrifice to be away from your family as the money maker so they they can have a safe and Godly environment in which to grow up. Also, have him read the Bible more.

19. Was he shy as a child? Yes = gay. If he is still shy, start forcing him to do street preaching and set a quota on how much donation money he has to bring home every day. If he doesn't make your money for you, beat him. Even if he does bring in the cash, have him read the Bible more.

20. Is he close to his father? Yes = gay. A True Christian father-son relationship is to be silent and awkward and filled with stress, just as God intended. See question 18, above. Have him read the Bible more.

I hope this helps! May God bless you with gay-free sons!

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Say now, that's a handy gadget.

I don't suppose it could be misused by queers looking for their fellow perverts to sodomize each other, could it?

[Gabriel Reproba]

Good thinking, Pastor! Gay developers are probably working on an iPhone version right now since Apple products are the preferred platform for back-ticklers.

[Georgina]

how many questions need to be wrong for my son to be gay. he is 4 but got 5 questions wrong any advice?

[Jack O'fagan]

Originally Posted by georgia

how many questions need to be wrong for my son to be gay. he is 4 but got 5 questions wrong any advice?

You could ask him if he finds women attractive? If he says no or just looks confused or embarrassed by your question I would say he is probably going to be a sodomite,

YIC

Jack

[Georgina]

Originally Posted by Jack O'fagan

You could ask him if he finds women attractive? If he says no or just looks confused or embarrassed by your question I would say he is probably going to be a sodomite,

YIC

Jack

he did look confused! any good straight camps for infants you reccomend?

[Good Christian Woman]

Originally Posted by Georgina

he did look confused! any good straight camps for infants you reccomend?

I have three suggestions:
1. B.A.S.H.
2. B.A.S.H.
3. B.A.S.H.

All the other straight camps are far too wimpy. They just encourage the problem! B.A.S.H. is the way to go!

[Good Christian Woman]

Do they have one for daughters too? I don't want my sweet girls to become lezbos!

[Bobby MacBob]

Cool App. It would be awesome if they used them in schools.

On an offnote, Can you believe my sister thinks its natural for someone to be gay?!

YIC

Bobby

[Cranky Old Man]

Originally Posted by Bobby MacBob

On an offnote, Can you believe my sister thinks its natural for someone to be gay?!

Of course. She is female so she is by definition an idiot.