[H. Montague Worthington]

Dear Mr. Worthington:

I am a True Christian™ living in Freehold, and a proud, regular tithing member (Gold Status) of the Landover Baptist Church family. After some unforeseen business setbacks, I was somehow not able to pay any of my federal income taxes in 1998, 1999, 2001, 2003, 2004, 2007, and 2009. As a result, the IRS put a lien on my house, my businesses, my cars, my summer home, my vacation home, my condo timeshare, my three yachts, my wife’s collection of impressionist art, and my stateside bank account.

My question is this, Mr. Worthington, should I fly a stolen airplane into an IRS building as a True Patriot™ protest against this outrageous Big Government confiscation of my hard-earned property?

Signed,

Oppressed in Freehold

Dear Oppressed:

I feel your pain. For several years during the Clinton administration, I refused to pay federal income taxes as a protest of that outrageous, big-spending Socialist regime. For a time I considered moving to Idaho, joining militias, signing up with Randy Weaver at Ruby Ridge, and collecting .50 caliber machine guns. Yet I found that whenever I got close to weaponry, many of my Vietnam-era physical maladies that kept me from serving my country in 'Nam came back with a vengence. I finally paid up when George W. Bush came into office just to get the Gubmint off my back.

Have you thought of looking around Teabagging chat rooms to see if some disgruntled True Patriot™ is willing to do it for a small fee, a box of tea bags, and a tri-corner hat? Flying a stolen plane into an IRS building is a noble thing to do and looks good on paper, but it's something that you might personally regret as the side of the building becomes unavoidable at the last minute. So, no, don't do it. Maybe a hired hand with bigger balls than you might be interested in Teabagging glory, however.

Regards and best wishes,

Monty

[H. Montague Worthington]

Dear Mr. Worthington:

I am writing this letter to you in my basement, where I am surrounded by canned goods, weapons, gold bullion, bags of silver coins, gas masks, water purification pills, and my frightened family. They say I have gone crazy from watching too much Fox News and listening over and over again to Pastor Ezekiel's sermons, and as a former Boy Scout, I say "Be prepared!!"

The election of Barack Obama gave notice that the Negroes are preparing for a bloody race war in the streets if they can't destroy America through radical left wing legislation or systematic miscegenation-- all while Satan looks on approvingly. That's why I have planted land mines in my yard and booby-trapped my house. My family says I am overracting.

Who is right, Mr. Worthington, me or my family? Wait--- I heard a noise upstairs! It begins!!

END OF TRANSMISSION

Dear End:

There is a simple rule of thumb for planning your future beyond the bloody race war and the post-Obama apocalyptic wasteland that will surely arrive ANY DAY NOW--- devote 30% of your resources to canned goods and survival supplies, 30% in guns and ammo, 30% in precious metals, and 10% in no-load mutual funds.

[H. Montague Worthington]

Mr. Worthington:

Which is a bigger problem: Inflation or Deflation?

Yours,

Confused Christian

Dear Confused:

I think inflation is a much bigger problem. My wife Delores disagrees.

Regards,

Monty

[H. Montague Worthington]

Dear Mr. Worthington:

I live in Arkansas, and my Senator is Blanche Lincoln. Ms. Lincoln is a "moderate" Democrat, and she is experiencing a tough primary challenge. She currently has very low approval ratings because of her principled stand against the socialist, nazi, pro-child-molesting, liberal job-killing agenda of Barack HUSSEIN Obama.

Should I send Ms. Lincoln a $2300 campaign contribution to help her noble and principled battle against the baby raping, Stalinist, drug addicted homo-whore agenda Terrorist in Chief Barack HUSSEIN Obama is trying to shove sideways up our a**? I mean, seriously, what kind of commie vomit is this Nigra buck trying to pull?

Sincerely,

Emma Richardson, Teabagging at age 91

Dear Ms. Richardson:

You are really the bee's knees, darling!! I'll bet your grandchildren LOVE to see you during the holidays!!

But with regard to that uppity Nigra terrorist who used ACORN and the unions to STEAL entry to the White House, his days are numbered. He's going to lose both the House and Senate in 2010, and in 2012 he'll be lucky to get 15% of the vote against Sarah Palin. Within six or seven years he will be penniless and on the streets, sipping Ripple out of a bottle in the gutter of some alley somewhere.

I doubt the Democrat party will even exist much past 2013. In 2020 most young people won't even know what a Democrat is. If you give money to a Republican, however, you could be reasonably sure that it could be put to EXCELLENT use!!

[H. Montague Worthington]

Dear Mr. Worthington:

I am 52 years old, I have a bachelor's degree and 19 years experience in transportation logistics planning. I have been trying to find a job for a year and a half now since I was laid off from a trucking company. My unemployment benefits ran out two months ago and I have been living off my meager retirement savings.

I have applied for dozens of jobs that I am well qualified for, and many jobs for which I am overqualified. Yet I can't even seem to get an interview in spite of my many years of experience. I have been calling my friends and associates, attending networking seminars, job fairs, and conferences. I am willing to work for much less than my last job, and I would be willing to relocate. Can you give me any additional advice for landing a job in this tough economy? I am at my wit's end!

Dejected in Des Moines

Dear Dejected:

Welcome to the Obama economy!! Unless you're a homo, under 30, a militant Negro, or cross-dressing lesbian terrorist you're not likely to get a job anytime soon. Your only hope is to join the patriotic Teabaggers in your local community and fight Big Government. Just keep repeating over and over again, "Big Government is the Enemy. God. Guns. Lower taxes. I want my country back."

It's like a beautiful melody, isn't it? Try it again: "Big Government is the Enemy. God. Guns. Lower taxes. I want my country back."

Keep repeating it until you find yourself answering to the code name "Angry Patriot" while fingering the trigger on the belt of dynamite strapped tightly to your chest. That's it.... just relax and let the slogans go to work. It will all be over soon. You'll soon have your reward... in heaven and in the comment sections on right wing blogs.

[H. Montague Worthington]

Dear Mr. Worthington:

Are you affiliated in any way with Worthington Industries, Inc. (NYSE:WOR), a Columbus-based metal processing company?

Storm Lake Skeptic

Dear Skeptic:

I am no longer financially tied to Worthington Industries, Inc. in any way. The company was owned by my father, who passed it along to my mother when he died in a car accident in 1967. When my mother died cleaning a rifle in 1968, she passed the company on to my eldest brother, whose brakes failed on a winding road in 1969. He in turn passed it on to my next older brother, who accidently died falling into a vat of sulphuric acid in 1970 and who passed it on to me when none of my other brothers or sisters wanted to accept ownership. I sold the company for cash in 1987.