[Pastor Ezekiel]

After a busy summer of tending to the YMBC (Young Mens Bible Camp) and my Missions to Save the unwanted and forgotten street trash is the sordid Pacific Rim I have returned to Landover and the Crystal Cathedral for some soul searching with our members.
Rev. Osborne has a hearty 'Hello' for the faithful. He has been working tirelessly in the communistic countries bring Gods Turgid Love™ to those who are able to receive it.

Psalm 139:13-16
13 For thou hast possessed my reins: thou hast covered me in my mother's womb.
14 I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.
15 My substance was not hid from thee, when I was made in secret, and curiously wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
16 Thine eyes did see my substance, yet being unperfect; and in thy book all my members were written, which in continuance were fashioned, when as yet there was none of them.


Luke 18:15-17
15 And they brought unto him also infants, that he would touch them: but when his disciples saw it, they rebuked them.
16 But Jesus called them unto him, and said, Suffer little children to come unto me, and forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of God.
17 Verily I say unto you, Whosoever shall not receive the kingdom of God as a little child shall in no wise enter therein.


I have been reviewing reports from Bobby-Joe and his crack team of Religious Security Professionals as well as updates from Miss Cookie and most importantly, the State of the Church financial reports. Needless to say, God (and through Him, me) are not pleased.
It seems Tithing is down and some Platinum members have been complaining that they are not getting the 'Bang for the Buck' that they'd like. Do they think that Jesus was able to get Golden Spikes© through His ankles and palms? No, He had to make do just like the common folk, even though He had to die for three days to get His point across. So there will be a few empty seats up front. Therefore, I am opening up enrollment in to the exclusive Platinum Tithers Club®. Please contact the church office for an application and be sure to include a cashiers check, payable to 'Cash' in the amount of $50,000 USD (BitCoins accepted) for processing fees.

Remember, do not joo Jesus! You waitresses, we expect Tithes based on a minimum of 20% tipping earned based on reported and restaurant gross revenues. The more you give to God, the more He will give back to you, in most cases, many times over. So that 'rainy day fund, invest it in your Salvation® and not a dishwasher. You wife has hands, have her clean the dishes and service God. Do without today for a fulfillment for all of eternity!

Leviticus 27:30 And all the tithe of the land, whether of the seed of the land, or of the fruit of the tree, is the LORD'S: it is holy unto the LORD.
Leviticus 27:31 And if a man will at all redeem ought of his tithes, he shall add thereto the fifth part thereof

Psalm 24:1 The earth is the LORD'S, and the fulness thereof; the world, and they that dwell therein.

Haggai 2:8 The silver is mine, and the gold is mine, saith the LORD of hosts.

Now to the part that breaks my heart. My sermons take a long time to prepare. It is not as easy as it looks for me to get up in front of the 10's of thousands of the faithful and provide a Perfect Sermon®. For those that want to relive the moments, DVD's are available for a nominal cost, box sets get a free Christmas pageant special along with an out takes from behind the scenes. They would be cheap at half the price! Well, Bobby-Joe discovered that a ex-Church member had been duplicating my Holy Message and giving it to non-LBC people.

John 10:10
10 The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.


Proverbs 10:2
2 Treasures of wickedness profit nothing: but righteousness delivereth from death.


Revelation 1
1 The Revelation of Jesus Christ, which God gave unto him, to shew unto his servants things which must shortly come to pass; and he sent and signified it by his angel unto his servant John:
2 Who bare record of the word of God, and of the testimony of Jesus Christ, and of all things that he saw.
3 Blessed is he that readeth, and they that hear the words of this prophecy, and keep those things which are written therein: for the time is at hand.
4 John to the seven churches which are in Asia: Grace be unto you, and peace, from him which is, and which was, and which is to come; and from the seven Spirits which are before his throne;
5 And from Jesus Christ, who is the faithful witness, and the first begotten of the dead, and the prince of the kings of the earth. Unto him that loved us, and washed us from our sins in his own blood,
6 And hath made us kings and priests unto God and his Father; to him be glory and dominion for ever and ever. Amen.
7 Behold, he cometh with clouds; and every eye shall see him, and they also which pierced him: and all kindreds of the earth shall wail because of him. Even so, Amen.
8 I am Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the ending, saith the Lord, which is, and which was, and which is to come, the Almighty.
9 I John, who also am your brother, and companion in tribulation, and in the kingdom and patience of Jesus Christ, was in the isle that is called Patmos, for the word of God, and for the testimony of Jesus Christ.
10 I was in the Spirit on the Lord's day, and heard behind me a great voice, as of a trumpet,
11 Saying, I am Alpha and Omega, the first and the last: and, What thou seest, write in a book, and send it unto the seven churches which are in Asia; unto Ephesus, and unto Smyrna, and unto Pergamos, and unto Thyatira, and unto Sardis, and unto Philadelphia, and unto Laodicea.
12 And I turned to see the voice that spake with me. And being turned, I saw seven golden candlesticks;
13 And in the midst of the seven candlesticks one like unto the Son of man, clothed with a garment down to the foot, and girt about the paps with a golden girdle.
14 His head and his hairs were white like wool, as white as snow; and his eyes were as a flame of fire;
15 And his feet like unto fine brass, as if they burned in a furnace; and his voice as the sound of many waters.
16 And he had in his right hand seven stars: and out of his mouth went a sharp twoedged sword: and his countenance was as the sun shineth in his strength.
17 And when I saw him, I fell at his feet as dead. And he laid his right hand upon me, saying unto me, Fear not; I am the first and the last:
18 I am he that liveth, and was dead; and, behold, I am alive for evermore, Amen; and have the keys of hell and of death.
19 Write the things which thou hast seen, and the things which are, and the things which shall be hereafter;
20 The mystery of the seven stars which thou sawest in my right hand, and the seven golden candlesticks. The seven stars are the angels of the seven churches: and the seven candlesticks which thou sawest are the seven churches.


So with a heavy heart, management has had to toss this worthless scum to the wolves of despair, to walk Gods Earth for the rest of his days to find his way back to righteousness. Thugh I do not think they will fand their way back to Gods Good Graces and instead face a eternity of torture under Satan's ever watchful greedy eyes.

[Joanna Lytton-Vasey]

Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel

Well, Bobby-Joe discovered that a ex-Church member had been duplicating my Holy Message and giving it to non-LBC people.

So with a heavy heart, management has had to toss this worthless scum to the wolves of despair, to walk Gods Earth for the rest of his days to find his way back to righteousness.

Oh my goodness, this would be more than shocking if it involved a person who was not already worthless scum! But I digress - my dear husband Matthew has urged me to cut to the chase.

Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel

I have been reviewing reports from Bobby-Joe and his crack team of Religious Security Professionals as well as updates from Miss Cookie and most importantly, the State of the Church financial reports. Needless to say, God (and through Him, me) are not pleased. It seems Tithing is down ...

Matthew points out that, given dear Cookie's seeming inability to answer the phone, or email, or any other form of attempted communication, those TCs™ who tithe offshore are at a loss as to where to direct their funds. He currently has cash in Swissies, riyals, Nipponese yen and whatever they have in China, all on call-deposit awaiting a destination. If you just want them sent to the US account (and he thinks you probably don't) then he needs to know.

Yours with great love and affection in Christ,
Joanna

[Johny Joe Hold]

It is the right time to remind LBC members and member wannabes this is not the first time heads have rolled. When Pastor Zeke sees revenue down or when his intellectual property is stolen someone has to pay.

God bless you Pastor Zeke for leading us down the path of righteousness.