[Pastor Ezekiel]

Receive a Free Frozen Turkey By Accepting Jesus Christ as Your Personal Savior Before November 25th!

LIMITED TIME SALVATION OFFER, WHILE SUPPLIES LAST!

There is no better way we can think of to celebrate a new life in Christ Jesus than with a delicious turkey dinner given to you at Thanksgiving by a fully clothed white man! Our Christian turkey farmers in Freehold, Iowa are known throughout these United States for producing some of the most enormous fowls in America, using only the very finest of domestic steroids and experimental hormones. They have set aside former child daycare centers this season in order to accommodate this incredible new salvation offer. Unlike commercial turkey farms, we guarantee that our farms are 100% safe from turkey-buggering Native American Injuns and their wobbly-chinned offspring that can be identified by the feathers they wear as part of their Injun DNA. Each of our salvation offer turkeys has its genitals carefully removed and mailed to a synagogue or mosque of your choosing. This is done for your convenience and to avoid any unnatural temptations you might have left over from your former life before you met Jesus. This year, we invite you to use other turkey parts to make your delicious gravy! The turkeys are also quick frozen and specially packaged so they will arrive in your new Christian home only partially thawed. Since God has thawed your frozen heart, we celebrate this spiritual event with you by providing a gift that profoundly symbolizes your transformation into a reverent, genital-less being with a somewhat unfrozen heart. When you receive your frozen turkey, please share the significance of this special love offering as you witness to unsaved family members and friends! Please also use this opportunity to lead others to Christ by offering them some of your turkey. Be a fisher of men by dangling a drumstick on a string in front of a passed-out hobo's nose.

This Sounds Too Good to be True!

This offer has no strings attached other than the strings that hogtie the mouthwatering, steroid-engorged legs of this wonderful gift! We can't make it any easier for you to get a free turkey. Just accept Jesus into your heart and demonstrate your sincerity by sending us a financial pledge in the form of a cashier's check in the amount of $500 or more.

It is as easy as that! As soon as your check clears, we will send you a delicious genital- free almost-frozen turkey of a weight commensurate with your pledge amount. Yes! There are even more gifts on the way!


Free Pledge Offering Gift Packages

• $500: 8-10 Pound Frozenish Turkey
  
• $501 - $1500: 18-26 Pound Frozenish Turkey and Autographed King James 1611 Bible (True Christian™ Pastor's authentic signature)
  
• $1501 - $2500: 28-34 Pound Frozenish Turkey, Autographed Bible, and Traditional Baptist Holiday Canned Cranberry Sauce Recipe Book
  
• $2501 - $6999: 36-42 Pound Frozenish Turkey, Autographed Bible, Recipe Book, and 1 Can of Ocean Spray Cranberry Sauce
  
• $7000 - $10000: 58-64 Pound Frozenish Turkey, Autographed Bible, Recipe Book, Cranberry Sauce, and Box of Complimentary Plastic Forks
  
• $10000+: 72-84 Pound Frozenish Turkey, Autographed Bible, Recipe Book, Cranberry Sauce, Box of Forks, a Free Ticket To Church, and one can of Johnson & Johnson's NEW "Off" Injun Repellant

This offer is a stand-alone opportunity and may not be used in conjunction with any other Landover Baptist Salvation Offers. This includes the Playstation 3 offer, the Free Phone Offer, and the iPod Nano offer. Extra shipping costs will apply to Turkeys weighing over 70 pounds.

Please send your cashier's check confirmation commitment of Christ to:

Landover Baptist Church
c/o Wexler Offshore Holdings
Salvation Offer #296 Holiday Turkey
777 Soulwinner's Lane
Freehold, Iowa

[Flat Lander]

Pastor Ezekiel,
That is a wonderful and tempting Christian thing to do. I'm working on becoming a Christian, but I don't have much money or any way to get to a place to get a cashier's check.

Do you accept coins? (dirty ones)

I'm saving up. If this big really dirty coin is what I think it is, then I have 37 cents, if not, then just 14 cents.

You might not believe this, Pastor Ezekiel, you being a man of God and all, but I have heard that some people PRETEND to believe in God, just so they can get money, almost like they are taking advantage of people instead of really helping them. Shocking isn't it?

I'm glad to know that no one associated with Landover Baptist could ever do anything so terrible as that.

I might not get the full $500 saved up by this Thanksgiving, but I might be closer to 42 cents by then (17 if the big really dirty coin isn't want I think it is). If I send you all the money that I have, would it be possible for you to take the delicious smell of your Thanksgiving dinner, put it in an envelope and mail it to me?

I don't know the address here yet, but I'm going to try to trick one of the Moron leaders into giving it to me. It ain't too hard to trick Morons (or Mormons either, for that matter).

Thank you, Pastor, and keep up the good work.

Oh, are you going to be hosting a big Thanksgiving Dance this year? I remember as a boy I used to love to go to the Thanksgiving Dance, be all filled with turkey and stuffing, and the moving and grooving to the spirit of God until I vomited. Here's a suggestion - don't hold your dance where there is carpeting.

Best wishes.
Flat Lander

[SUV]

Pastor Ezekiel, I have Accepted Jesus (the) Christ as my very own personal Lord and Saviour at least a dozen times now!

How does this offer affect me, me, ME!?

[Talitha]

Originally Posted by SUV

Pastor Ezekiel, I have Accepted Jesus (the) Christ as my very own personal Lord and Saviour at least a dozen times now!

How does this offer affect me, me, ME!?

Has he sent you that Ham yet Sister Sue?

[SUV]

Originally Posted by Talitha

Has he sent you that Ham yet Sister Sue?

Not yet, Sister. I wait for Delivery, each day until three.

I have Faith! Faith!

With JESUS all things are possible. So just watch that Ham and Hitonmi's poo-poo platter arrive at the same Blessed moment!

[Talitha]

Originally Posted by SUV

Not yet, Sister. I wait for Delivery, each day until three.

I have Faith! Faith!

With JESUS all things are possible. So just watch that Ham and Hitonmi's poo-poo platter arrive at the same Blessed moment!

It's just like I watch and wait every day for Jesus to return.
I have Faith too Sister. I know that one day, if I wait for long enough HE will return

[Lola Handcock]

I will pledge $1,000 dollars please send my turkey and KJV 1611 Bible to Mr. Flatlander, as a Welcome gift from Emil and my self.I transferred cash electronically

May Peace be with all
Lola

[Flat Lander]

Originally Posted by Lola Sledge

I will pledge $1,000 dollars please send my turkey and KJV 1611 Bible to Mr. Flatlander, as a Welcome gift from Emil and my self.I transferred cash electronically

May Peace be with all
Lola

Well, Glory Be to God, Thank you Lola.

That'll be a treat indeed. A turkey, actual meat to eat again. Since coming to the Moron Church compound we have had some pretty unusual food, I don't want to describe it in too much detail, but many of you who are familiar with the Midwest may know what kinds of small mammals frequent the wooded areas in this part of the country.

I'll work real hard to get an address where Pastor Ezekiel can send the turkey. Shouldn't be too hard to get them to give me the address, after all, it is the Moron Church. How bright can they be?

It's been so long since I had turkey I have one question. Do you eat the bones? Or spit them out?

[Emil Sledge]

That's my girl! Lola you beat me to it! Every day she shows me why Jesus brought us together. Flatlander, you give your address to Lola and we will make sure you get some of the finest pecan pie ever baked. Lola will be making pies all next week and there will be plenty for you and your loved ones.

GLORY!

Oh, don't eat the bones. Wash them up real nice and the kids can play with them!

[Rev. M. Rodimer]

Originally Posted by Flat Lander

It's been so long since I had turkey I have one question. Do you eat the bones? Or spit them out?

My housekeeper, Rosa, breaks the bones with pliers and then simmers them in a big stock pot with carrot tops, onion skins, and all that sort of leftover stuff. Usually for about 2 hours.

Then she strains the broth and makes the world's best turkey soup!

[Pastor Ezekiel]

This offer is still good, folks. Shout GLORY!!!