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Default Re: What are you offended by right now? - 02-21-2021, 07:53 PM

I am offended by almost everything taking place in Washington DC. When will True Republicans™ get around to impeaching that fool, Biden? Why is it taking so long? We have God on our side after all.

Look at what the man is doing to ruin our country! He did next to nothing for 47 years in the Senate and now he's going to destroy us! The Lord must be so disappointed in us right now.


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Default Re: What are you offended by right now? - 05-26-2021, 08:52 PM

Fork marks in the peanut butter.


RIP Republican Party as a force in American Politics for the next decade, minimum
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Default Re: What are you offended by right now? - 05-26-2021, 09:54 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Didymus Much View Post
Fork marks in the peanut butter.
No fork marks in the peanut butter in Heaven, dear heathen. Won't you consider Jesus?


Hello, my name is Mary. I hope to fellowship with you! That is, unless you don't listen to church authority (Deuteronomy 17:12); are a witch (Exodus 22:17); are a homosexual (Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:24-32); or fortuneteller (Leviticus 20:27) or a snotty kid who hits their dad (Exodus 21:15); or curses their parents (Proverbs 20:20; Leviticus 20:9); an adulterer (Leviticus 20:10); a non-Christian (Exodus 22:19; Deuteronomy 13:7-12; Deuteronomy 17:2-5;Romans 1:24-32); an atheist (2 Chronicles 15:12-13); or false prophet (Zechariah 13:3); from the town of one who worships another, false god (Deuteronomy 13:13-19); were a non-virgin bride (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); or blasphemer (Leviticus 24:10-16), as God calls for your execution and will no doubt send you to Hell, and I have no interest developing a friendship with the Spiritually Walking Dead.

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Default Re: What are you offended by right now? - 05-27-2021, 12:04 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Didymus Much View Post
Fork marks in the peanut butter.
Presumably, someone you know scoops peanut butter out of the jar with a fork. That just goes to show what sort of company you keep, Mr. Much.

Sister Mary is right. You need to leave those wretched, twisted atheists behind and accept Jesus. If He were to eat your peanut butter, He would have the common decency to scoop it out with a butter knife. . . And He would NOT pull the contents of the jar from deep within the middle, leaving the sides of the jar looking like it is full of peanut butter when actually, the jar is at least half gone. . . Speaking of things by which I am offended.


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Angry Re: What are you offended by right now? - 05-27-2021, 01:39 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by handmaiden View Post
If He were to eat your peanut butter, He would have the common decency to scoop it out with a butter knife. . . And He would NOT pull the contents of the jar from deep within the middle, leaving the sides of the jar looking like it is full of peanut butter when actually, the jar is at least half gone. . . Speaking of things by which I am offended.
And, unlike a certain WIFE of mine, JESUS wouldn't insist on getting every last bit out of the jar before opening a new one. If you have to get peanut butter on your knuckles while scraping the butter knife along the bottom rim of the jar, it's time to open a new one, damn it!


"No room for them in the inn" (Luke 2:7)?
Not if they'd come to the Blood of Christ Motel!
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Default Re: What are you offended by right now? - 05-27-2021, 03:41 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dennis Lukes View Post
And, unlike a certain WIFE of mine, JESUS wouldn't insist on getting every last bit out of the jar before opening a new one. If you have to get peanut butter on your knuckles while scraping the butter knife along the bottom rim of the jar, it's time to open a new one, damn it!
Perhaps your wive has a special half-width rubber spatula that gets to the bottom of peanut butter jars (and jelly, and fluffernutter, and honey) without sullying up your delicate knuckles. A homemaker of quality has the right tools at hand of course. I inherited mine from my grandmother. She had the skill to scrape a jar so clean it was washed only for formality sake before using to store bacon grease and the like. It's a midwestern skill, not unlike when the Eskimos know 1001 things to do with a dead whale. But more civilized, obviously.


Hello, my name is Mary. I hope to fellowship with you! That is, unless you don't listen to church authority (Deuteronomy 17:12); are a witch (Exodus 22:17); are a homosexual (Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:24-32); or fortuneteller (Leviticus 20:27) or a snotty kid who hits their dad (Exodus 21:15); or curses their parents (Proverbs 20:20; Leviticus 20:9); an adulterer (Leviticus 20:10); a non-Christian (Exodus 22:19; Deuteronomy 13:7-12; Deuteronomy 17:2-5;Romans 1:24-32); an atheist (2 Chronicles 15:12-13); or false prophet (Zechariah 13:3); from the town of one who worships another, false god (Deuteronomy 13:13-19); were a non-virgin bride (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); or blasphemer (Leviticus 24:10-16), as God calls for your execution and will no doubt send you to Hell, and I have no interest developing a friendship with the Spiritually Walking Dead.

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Default Re: What are you offended by right now? - 05-27-2021, 03:12 PM

The press in the country needs to stop bashing what is called Christian Nationalism. Only when the flag and the cross were merged was Jesus finally pleased with the trajectory of His church.

Despite the fact the U.S. is His favorite country and Jesus is the faith of the U.S. there is still regular criticism of Christian Nationalism. We at Landover Baptist continue to hold firm the flag and the cross belong together. Those that criticize uniting these two powerful symbols are headed for an eternity of hell.


https://saynotochristiannationalism.org/


Isaiah 24:1-3 Behold, the LORD maketh the earth empty (2)...as the taker of usury, so with the giver of usury to him. (3) The land shall be utterly emptied, and utterly spoiled: for the LORD hath spoken his word.
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Default Re: What are you offended by right now? - 05-28-2021, 11:02 PM

My wife's grandmother must have taken a lesson from your grandmother as she taught my wife to do this when she was a little girl.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Mary Etheldreda View Post
Perhaps your wive has a special half-width rubber spatula that gets to the bottom of peanut butter jars (and jelly, and fluffernutter, and honey) without sullying up your delicate knuckles. A homemaker of quality has the right tools at hand of course. I inherited mine from my grandmother. She had the skill to scrape a jar so clean it was washed only for formality sake before using to store bacon grease and the like. It's a midwestern skill, not unlike when the Eskimos know 1001 things to do with a dead whale. But more civilized, obviously.


Blessings,

Jonathan Wright
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Default Re: What are you offended by right now? - 07-21-2021, 03:08 AM

All of the multi-billionaires claiming that they have gone to Heaven and came back in half an hour offend me deeply.
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Default Re: What are you offended by right now? - 07-21-2021, 02:22 PM

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Originally Posted by Basilissa View Post
All of the multi-billionaires claiming that they have gone to Heaven and came back in half an hour offend me deeply.
Could not agree with you more, Sister. Why, if these self-indulgent men gave their proper tithes to Jesus via our own Pastor Zeke, then he would have the finest private jet available and they would have to be satisfied with their own private jets instead of private "space" ships.

Surely, those men will be in for a stern talking to when their time of judgment is upon them*. And it will be a little late for bribes tithes then.

* Before being consigned to their eternal torment, of course.


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Default Re: What are you offended by right now? - 07-21-2021, 05:18 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by handmaiden View Post
Why, if these self-indulgent men gave their proper tithes to Jesus via our own Pastor Zeke ...
Oh. Are some people still tithing via Pastor Zeke? But this is probably best discussed privately. I will call you later, just for a general catch-up.

But I must admit that the sight of all these silly men getting themselves shot into the air like so many monkeys and dogs is very unedifying as well as unGodly. I'm surprised that our Lord has permitted them (unlike the monkeys) to survive.


Vaccinated by the love of Jesus!!!
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Default Re: What are you offended by right now? - 07-21-2021, 05:58 PM

So Jeff Bezos lights off in a penis shaped rocket that dumps its load in "space", which proceeds to parachute back to earth - spending less time in "space" than it takes to smoke a cigarette.

While the "woke" MSM is fawning over all this, no one has yet noticed that there were no women on board the "spacecraft".

Meanwhile, Bezos keeps encouraging me to pay extra money to join "Amazon Prime" in order to get "free" shipping.

Of course Richard Branson's "Virgin Galatic" flight into "space" did have women on board, but no one is explaining what that was all about. Maybe he's trying to appeal to oil rich mooselimb sheiks for customers.


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Default Re: What are you offended by right now? - 07-21-2021, 07:34 PM

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Originally Posted by WilliamJenningsBryan View Post
While the "woke" MSM is fawning over all this, no one has yet noticed that there were no women on board the "spacecraft".
Some of them were claiming that an 82-year-old woman called "Wally Funk" was on board. Leaving aside that Wally is not a woman's name, it seems pretty unlikely that anyone that old would be allowed to go up in a rocket, even for 10 minutes, as you couldn't expect their bladder to hold out that long. So I suspect shenanigans.


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Default Re: What are you offended by right now? - Yesterday, 02:36 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Joanna Lytton-Vasey View Post
Some of them were claiming that an 82-year-old woman called "Wally Funk" was on board. Leaving aside that Wally is not a woman's name, it seems pretty unlikely that anyone that old would be allowed to go up in a rocket, even for 10 minutes, as you couldn't expect their bladder to hold out that long. So I suspect shenanigans.
Bezos was known to require that his Amazon delivery drivers relieve themselves in bottles to keep productivity up. No doubt "Wally" was similairly equipped.


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