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Reload this Page Greetings from Grandma!
The introduction forum Attention Unsaved Trash: This the ONLY subforum you can start threads in. Here is where you introduce yourself. Tell us what church you go to and what your favorite Bible verse is and how you came to find Jesus.

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Jesus Greetings from Grandma! - 12-29-2015, 05:07 AM

Hello! I am a grandma of 8 grandchildren. I have tried to teach my grandchildren the True Christian™ way, but my children have abandoned their beliefs after being fed propaganda by the liebral media and/or have been seduced by New Age pagan witches. They have moved to non-Godly areas of America such as the Northeast and Left Coast, and abandoned me. Now I live among fellow True Christians™ in the Godly South. I go to Church everyday, I volunteer in Church services, I read the Bible, and I teach the good children as a substitute at a Godly private school untouched by the liebral agenda.

Feel free to ask Grandma any questions!


Proverbs 3:5
Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.
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Default Re: Greetings from Grandma! - 12-29-2015, 05:10 AM

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Originally Posted by TrueChristianGrandma View Post
Hello! I am a grandma of 8 grandchildren. I have tried to teach my grandchildren the True Christian™ way, but my children have abandoned their beliefs after being fed propaganda by the liebral media and/or have been seduced by New Age pagan witches. They have moved to non-Godly areas of America such as the Northeast and Left Coast, and abandoned me. Now I live among fellow True Christians™ in the Godly South. I go to Church everyday, I volunteer in Church services, I read the Bible, and I teach the good children as a substitute at a Godly private school untouched by the liebral agenda.

Feel free to ask Grandma any questions!
Hi sweetie, and to our Godly forum! How about answering these questions:

Attention Unsaved Trash: This the ONLY subforum you can start threads in. Here is where you introduce yourself. Tell us what church you go to and what your favorite Bible verse is and how you came to find Jesus.

I put them in big bright letters because apparently your old age made it difficult to see letters on the top of this page.
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Default Re: Greetings from Grandma! - 12-29-2015, 05:13 AM

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Originally Posted by Basilissa View Post
Hi sweetie, and to our Godly forum! How about answering these questions:

Attention Unsaved Trash: This the ONLY subforum you can start threads in. Here is where you introduce yourself. Tell us what church you go to and what your favorite Bible verse is and how you came to find Jesus.

I put them in big bright letters because apparently your old age made it difficult to see letters on the top of this page.
I go to the Best Church™, Landover! My favorite Bible verse is Jeremiah 29:11. I came to find Jesus my good True Christian™ parents homeschooled me to teach His way. We also went to Church regularly. I spent most of my spare time as a child reading the Bible.


Proverbs 3:5
Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.
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Bible Re: Greetings from Grandma! - 12-29-2015, 05:18 AM

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Originally Posted by TrueChristianGrandma View Post
I go to the Best Church™, Landover!
Now I am truly intrigued, where in the south is that church of yours that has the same name as our Godly congregation? (Because I do know you are not in our Landover Baptist church).

You aren't one of these deceitful people who lie on the internet, are you?

Quote:
My favorite Bible verse is Jeremiah 29:11.
I like Jeremiah, too. It often shows that our God is not some sort of a softie but a real, angry God (Jeremiah 33:5) who deceives His enemies (Jeremiah 4:10).

Quote:
I came to find Jesus my good True Christian™ parents homeschooled me to teach His way. We also went to Church regularly. I spent most of my spare time as a child reading the Bible.
Good for you, sweetie. I look forward to reading more of your deep knowledge of the Holy Bible.
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Default Re: Greetings from Grandma! - 12-29-2015, 05:27 AM

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Originally Posted by Basilissa View Post
Now I am truly intrigued, where in the south is that church of yours that has the same name as our Godly congregation? (Because I do know you are not in our Landover Baptist church).

You aren't one of these deceitful people who lie on the internet, are you?
I did not know that my superiors were lying to me. They stole the name of this great Church, and then claimed that it was another congregation. How can I join the True, Legitimate Landover Baptist Church?


Proverbs 3:5
Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.
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Default Re: Greetings from Grandma! - 12-29-2015, 05:36 AM

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Originally Posted by TrueChristianGrandma View Post
I did not know that my superiors were lying to me. They stole the name of this great Church, and then claimed that it was another congregation. How can I join the True, Legitimate Landover Baptist Church?
In time, our Department of Faith will find out everything important about you. Just remember, we receive many applications daily so it may take some time.



In the meantime, post wisely!
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Default Re: Greetings from Grandma! - 12-29-2015, 05:42 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Grandma View Post
I did not know that my superiors were lying to me. They stole the name of this great Church, and then claimed that it was another congregation. How can I join the True, Legitimate Landover Baptist Church?
Help Ma'm I my self am also new here, It is inspiring to see someone of your age here to help the lost find their ways. I hope you would share experiences and advice for us younger ones to help let the LORD guide our life!
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Default Re: Greetings from Grandma! - 12-29-2015, 05:50 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by TrueChristianGrandma View Post
I did not know that my superiors were lying to me. They stole the name of this great Church, and then claimed that it was another congregation. How can I join the True, Legitimate Landover Baptist Church?
Hello TrueChristianGrandma.

Many Pastors lie but not the ones here they tell the truth because Jesus told us not to lie in the Ten Commandments they are in Exodus and Deuteronomy.

Moses climbed Mount Sinai and stayed for 40 days and 40 nights and came down with two tablets that God had written the Ten Commandments on with His finger so you know He is strong.

Moses broke the tablets because when he came down from Mount Sinai people were dancing around a golden calf that was made out of earrings they were naked too.

Thank you.

Rusty


Psalms 116:6 The LORD preserveth the simple: I was brought low, and he helped me.
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Default Re: Greetings from Grandma! - 12-29-2015, 08:23 AM

Welcome to God's Favorite Forums™, Grandma! I just know Christ Jesus has led you here for a reason. Perhaps the deceit you've experienced in your previous places of worship served to direct you here! God works in such mysterious ways!

I understand your grand-boys are being led astray by their demon-possessed parents. The 2016 Spring Has Sprung All Boys Revival Tour is just around the corner! We'll be Christ-Crossing the nation looking for young men to lure to Jesus and we'll definitely add your youngsters to the list! They aren't "husky" are they?

Praise Jesus!


Slathered in the Fresh Hot Blood of the Infant Christ,
-Youth Minister Harry Lester
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Grammar Nazi Re: Greetings from Grandma! - 12-29-2015, 01:23 PM

Welcome young lady, please put your husband on so a real conversation can take place. Thank you. Also, bring me a snack.


Isaiah 45:7 I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the LORD do all these things.
Amos 3:6 Shall a trumpet be blown in the city, and the people not be afraid? shall there be evil in a city, and the LORD hath not done it?
Numbers 21:6 And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died.
Matthew 10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
Matthew 10:35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
Matthew 10:36 And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.
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Default Re: Greetings from Grandma! - 12-29-2015, 02:53 PM

What is your best pie, Grandma?
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Default Re: Greetings from Grandma! - 12-29-2015, 07:58 PM

A rousing HELLO, Grandma!

As a young, unmarried man, I learn much from my elders in the faith. Some have been around since Methuselah in this place. Nowhere will you find the TRUTH about serving the LORD like you will find in these inspired forums. In fact, if God hadn't already written the Bible, I truly believe He would have used some of the writings of the True Christian™ people from Landover Baptist Church.

You don't, by any chance, have any unmarried granddaughters, do you? They must be appealing to the eye, submissive, fabulous cooks, and able to remain quiet for long periods of time. They must also not crave s-e-x other than for the purposes of becoming "pg." (Sorry, good ladies, for my forward comments)

Tell us of your husbandman and a bit more about the day you decided your sinful, lustful, filthy soul deserved a thorough cleansing using Christ's Blood™ as the everlasting detergent. I never shall forget the day when He entered me as I was crying out to Him; a wretched papist I was, but His saving power made me toss aside all the rosaries and crucifixes (He is OFF the cross, Hallelujah!) and depend on JESUS to save me and not the ritual absolving that came from the pedophile priests of my parish. Heaven rejoices when a cathylick becomes a real Christian.

COME, LORD JESUS!
BrotherLarry


Proverbs 21:31 KJV 1611:
“The horse is prepared against the day of battell: but safetie is of the Lord.”

Lord, may I serve my equine brothers and sisters just as I do my fellow man.
Amen and Amen
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Rebuke Re: Greetings from Grandma! - 12-29-2015, 09:16 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by BrotherLarry View Post
A rousing HELLO, Grandma!

As a young, unmarried man, I learn much from my elders in the faith. Some have been around since Methuselah in this place. Nowhere will you find the TRUTH about serving the LORD like you will find in these inspired forums. In fact, if God hadn't already written the Bible, I truly believe He would have used some of the writings of the True Christian™ people from Landover Baptist Church.

You don't, by any chance, have any unmarried granddaughters, do you? They must be appealing to the eye, submissive, fabulous cooks, and able to remain quiet for long periods of time. They must also not crave s-e-x other than for the purposes of becoming "pg." (Sorry, good ladies, for my forward comments)

Tell us of your husbandman and a bit more about the day you decided your sinful, lustful, filthy soul deserved a thorough cleansing using Christ's Blood™ as the everlasting detergent. I never shall forget the day when He entered me as I was crying out to Him; a wretched papist I was, but His saving power made me toss aside all the rosaries and crucifixes (He is OFF the cross, Hallelujah!) and depend on JESUS to save me and not the ritual absolving that came from the pedophile priests of my parish. Heaven rejoices when a cathylick becomes a real Christian.

COME, LORD JESUS!
BrotherLarry
My dear husband died after contracting HIV when a fag donated blood to him.


Proverbs 3:5
Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.
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Default Re: Greetings from Grandma! - 12-30-2015, 12:10 AM

I'm so sorry Ma'am. Goes to show that God's wrath upon those homos is mighty, that he indirectly struck your poor husband and now has a death upon the gay "man"'s soul. Tell me about your cooking, Grandma!


"Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands." Proverbs 14:1
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Default Re: Greetings from Grandma! - 12-30-2015, 01:48 AM

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Originally Posted by Grandma View Post
My dear husband died after contracting HIV when a fag donated blood to him.
That disease is sort of like the Aids. It is a punishment sent by God to scourge the wicked and sinful. It is not got by accident. What sinful behavior was your husband involved in?


God judgeth the righteous, And God is angry with the wicked every day- Psalm 7:11
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Default Re: Greetings from Grandma! - 12-30-2015, 01:59 AM

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Originally Posted by Alvin Moss View Post
That disease is sort of like the Aids. It is a punishment sent by God to scourge the wicked and sinful. It is not got by accident. What sinful behavior was your husband involved in?
That I am not sure. He never was very religious. He might have had a sodomized affair. I'm sure that he is resting in , damned for eternity. He was a horrible husband anyway. He didn't even beat me!


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Default Re: Greetings from Grandma! - 12-30-2015, 05:12 AM

My apologies for spamming, dears. My old age makes it hard to see the edit button.

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Tell me about your cooking, Grandma!
I am not able to cook as much as I used to. So I choose quality over quantity. Lots of meat, of course! I'm not a pretentious homer man!
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Originally Posted by Titus Templeton View Post
What is your best pie, Grandma?
I do make an excellent Witch pie. When I go on witch hunts, I take them home with me and make pie! Why don't you come by on Satan's Night? Or as the unsaved call it, Halloween.

Also, I need a proper masking so I can enter this wonderful Church! How do I receive it?


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Default Re: Greetings from Grandma! - 12-30-2015, 05:36 AM

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Also, I need a proper masking so I can enter this wonderful Church! How do I receive it?
Hello Grandma, and welcome to God's Favorite Forum! I can sympathize with you wanting to enter the gates of our esteemed church, from which you can see Pastor Zeke in person! As you know, he's a close, personal friend of Jesus, so it's almost like seeing Jesus right there on the stage! By the way, you're not a cripple, or anything like that, are you? Just thought we should get that out of the way.

Anyway, Landover Baptist Church has been named "Most Select Church In America" by U.S. News and World Report, "Now Harder To Get Into Than Harvard." Our Holy Church is modeled after Heaven, and isn't open to the general public. However, once the Holy Ghost reveals the identity of Saved Soul worthy of joining us, an invitation is sent out and a the entire town rejoices in anticipation of the Heavenly Wedding Feast where we will each one of us become Brides to our Divine Bridegroom (no homo).

Continue glorifying the Lord Jesus Christ and sharing the Good News that He is going to send every single person on Earth who doesn't believe in Him straight to Hell. Scripture is always welcome, as it is the perfect means by which the Mind and Will of God is revealed.


Hello, my name is Mary. I hope to fellowship with you! That is, unless you don't listen to church authority (Deuteronomy 17:12); are a witch (Exodus 22:17); are a homosexual (Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:24-32); or fortuneteller (Leviticus 20:27) or a snotty kid who hits their dad (Exodus 21:15); or curses their parents (Proverbs 20:20; Leviticus 20:9); an adulterer (Leviticus 20:10); a non-Christian (Exodus 22:19; Deuteronomy 13:7-12; Deuteronomy 17:2-5;Romans 1:24-32); an atheist (2 Chronicles 15:12-13); or false prophet (Zechariah 13:3); from the town of one who worships another, false god (Deuteronomy 13:13-19); were a non-virgin bride (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); or blasphemer (Leviticus 24:10-16), as God calls for your execution and will no doubt send you to Hell, and I have no interest developing a friendship with the Spiritually Walking Dead.

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Default Re: Greetings from Grandma! - 12-30-2015, 05:48 AM

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Originally Posted by Mary Etheldreda View Post
By the way, you're not a cripple, or anything like that, are you? Just thought we should get that out of the way.
No. I'm not lazy! Most folks say they're crippled so they can get food stamps!


Proverbs 3:5
Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.
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Default Re: Greetings from Grandma! - 12-30-2015, 09:21 AM

Hello, Grandma! Welcome to the forums!

I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but have you got your funeral planned? I only ask because I know what a burden it can be on the family when a loved one passes unexpectedly.

I'm opening up a funeral home in Freehold soon. If you're ever accepted into the fold, I'll send you my card. You never know, one day I might embalm your wrinkled body and sew your mouth shut so you're 8 grandkids can say their final goodbyes.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Grandma View Post
No. I'm not lazy! Most folks say they're crippled so they can get food stamps!
Well, praise Jesus! It says a lot about your character that you don't take advantage of the welfare system. A lot of people make up ailments as an excuse so they can sponge off of the government. I take it because you're old and have no husband, your nephews support you financially.

First Timothy 5:4 But if any widow have children or nephews, let them learn first to shew piety at home, and to requite their parents: for that is good and acceptable before God.
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