[Ezekiel Bathfire]

I am now out of hospital and feeling better but a little disturbed. If you have been reading any of my advice or sermons here at Landover recently, they were from a store of such things that I keep in my study and were published by my nephew Zebulun.

Two weeks ago, I went for a drive with Mrs Bathfire. She had insisted on seeing the “Colors of Fall” We stopped at one of these places where you could pick fruit and went in. I did not object to having to wander round in indifferent weather, mainly because it is called “Eden Farm”. I realised, as you will do, how Christianity has pervaded America with its fragrant scent since first our forefathers found the land promised to us by God and eradicated or pacified most of the Moabites (Redskins) and this was a prime example.

We were given a basket and told that we could fill it for $10, which I thought was fair and then came the catch. The owner handed out a brochure and started up with “Do this, do that, don’t do this, don’t do that… etc. This all became very tedious and technical and I did not understand a word and Mrs Bathfire was looking at some carved crosses as he babbled on.

When I do farming, I ring my stockbroker and buy shares in agriculture or speculate on grain futures, but this guy took it seriously. He might have had his reasons but Mrs Bathfire and I were innocents abroad and had no idea why we should listen to this guy telling us about what we could pick and what we could not. In essence his talk meant nothing to us as he had not told us the whole story. I hate people who “expect you to know.” It all needs to be written down, like in the Bible.

So, we waited until he had finished speaking and then I asked him why he didn’t allow dogs or guns. He made some reply but I could see the way it was going and I pulled one of the dogs off his leg, told him that my dogs were usually very friendly and that I had never hurt anyone other than intentionally with my rifle: I put them back in the car.

It was fortunate that, as soon as we entered the farm, the sun came out and the whole day cheered up. It was really quite warm and pleasant. So Mrs Bathfire and I wandered round unarmed and unguarded picking stuff and eating stuff. We came to a cute bridge, similar to the one that Brother Wide-Open has in his garden, and were pleased to see that this was signposted “The Bridge over the Pison”(Ge:2:11).

Once over here, there was a whole orchard of apple trees, each one a different kind demonstrating the creative powers of God. (Imagine being so thoughtful as to make millions of types of apple just for mankind!)

I had found an apple tree with small but perfectly formed fruit. These were wonderful; they had a sort of appley and sweet perfumey taste and were bright red. I regretted not having the dogs so I could explain to them and I also noticed that Mrs Bathfire was not around. I called out a few times but there was no reply, so I wandered off in search of her. I came to “The Bridge of Gihon” (Ge:2:12) and there, in a clearing, was Mrs Bathfire and a man! I reached for my rifle that wasn’t there and then marched on to confront this philanderer! As I approached, I did notice that the tree under which Mrs Bathfire and her “would-be paramour” stood was remarkable. It was broad and like unto the shape of the firmament (a dome) and its leaves were still the brightest green but these were not the most remarkable things! No! The tree had fruit and huge golden blossoms at the same time and the fruit was large, well formed and looked succulent as a sacrificial ram smouldering on the Altar of The Lord.

I was about to reached the pair, when the man turned, acknowledge me and slid off into the shrubs and bushes. I asked Mrs Bathfire what that was all about! She told me that the man was a Mr Asply who worked full-time in the garden having been appointed by the owner when the scheme first got under way. He had told her that, if she had any sense, (which I don’t think she has) she would try of the fruit of the tree. Mrs Bathfire had been hesitant, thinking that it might be poisonous, but this Mr Asply had assured her that it was not.

Well. I looked at the stuff and the only drawback seemed to be that it resembled a large pale pink zucchini or, to be quite frank, the male member. I was most doubtful that I should put anything like that in my mouth and Mrs Bathfire’s was out of the question. I looked at the flyer the owner had given me. It seemed that we were in an area set aside for experimental plants but I had never read anything like this in my years as a Biblical Scientist, so this meant little to me. What experiments can you do on plants? The famous ones of growing mustard trees, cursing figs and casting seed on barren ground had all been done!

I looked up and Mrs Bathfire had taken a bite of this fruit. I looked at the brochure to check if there were anything I should do, (e.g. place leeches on her, etc.) when I became aware that, despite her advanced years, Mrs Bathfire was “looking at me”. She smiled and handed me the fruit and nodded in a way I have not seen her do these last 20 years.

I found myself holding a somewhat flaccid pink fruit and it was dripping a milky juice over my hand. I licked it.

In retrospect, this was my second mistake. The first was listening to Mrs Bathfire.

The juice was remarkable. It was cool, slightly acidic but sweet and refreshing. It burst like small verses from The Song of Solomon over my tongue and released a scent of the flowers of the field. I bit deeply into it. Oh, the pleasure! I have never felt anything like it since Pastor Zeke denounced that harlot in front of a packed congregation! This was no ordinary fruit. This was perhaps manna. I could eat it all day, light, delicious in the mouth, watery like a melon but firmer but yielding. I swallowed. A warm glow settled inside me. My very soul seemed ready to free itself from its earthly bonds. And there, before me, was Mrs Bathfire, still with that smile on her face. She took the fruit out of my hand and moved it whole into her mouth.

It was then that the angels appeared. They were tall and beautiful and floated a few feet above the ground. There was the most beautiful music but they had no instruments and were not singing. The trees parted and I could see Noah’s Ark and beyond that Mount Horeb, snow-capped against a purple sky. And there was Mrs Bathfire disrobed on the grass in the innocence of a virgin! It was as if I were above the scene yet part of it. And there was I equally disrobed. The angels sang and I heard Jesus giving “The Sermon on The Mount” in the voice of a Fox News presenter – it was beautiful.

I remember little of what followed. I recall that Mrs Bathfire must have found it all a deeply moving and spiritual as throughout my Godly visions of Paradise were cries of “O God! O God!”

At some point, I heard a voice shouting “Mr Bathfire! Mr Bathfire! Where are you?” and then the next thing was I remember awakening, surrounded by prayer warriors in the Pastor Billy Reuben Memorial Hospital. I recalled some of what happened and immediately my concern was for my dogs and gun and my car. I was assured that these were all safe and I fell back into a deep sleep. When I awoke again, the prayer warriors were still there doing their job, although I did notice that one or two of them were watching a re-run of “The Passion” on my TV.

It transpired that Mrs Bathfire had been given dangerously false information and “Mr Asply” had been working the last day of his notice and had used us to get the owner into trouble. The fruit was not poisonous, that much was true, but it causes the eyes of the soul to experience visions.

I got straight on to the joo lawyers! Mrs Bathfire and I had been exposed to mortal danger before our allotted time on earth! The warnings given by the owner were far too complex to understand and no reasons were given. More to the point, the owner knew we knew nothing about trees and farms and let us loose after telling us to pick anything! Yes, Anything! Whilst at the same time knowing that we knew nothing!

And then there was the owner allowing Mr Asply to be in the garden! Mr Asply who is as much of an expert as the owner is. How did Mrs Bathfire or I have a chance against that sort of trickster?!

Because of my high spirituality, and because Jesus says poisons will not harm us, I was out of hospital in a week, apparently Mrs Bathfire is still in hospital still suffering from heavy breathing, body shudders and deep, low groans. She is surrounded by Prayer Warriors but there is not much I can do there. A prayer is heard whether you are at home or at the hospital.

My first job was to get back to that place and tell the owner what I thought of him and his stupid farm. When I got there, there were no other cars in the car park and two very tough looking guys armed to the teeth at the entrance. I did ask where the owner was, but nobody had seen him.

Now you may think that you see some parallels in this, but let me remind you how easily you were deceived by your weakness of faith. Do you remember that I had to put the dogs in the car? Well, is not Eden filled with all the animals, but here there were none! And so it is. Paradise is not on Earth.

[Mary Etheldreda]

I hope Mrs. Bathfire is feeling better. I was at the hospital this morning praying for her with some of the other ladies. I have to admit, last Tuesday when she was foaming at the mouth really threw me off. It was hard to concentrate when we were constantly interrupted by the hospital staff and all their tubes and beeping and what have you. Anyway, I hadn't heard the entire story of how you landed in the hospital. I hope your dogs were okay in the car that whole time.

[Ezekiel Bathfire]

Many thanks for your kind words and prayers, Sister Mary. The dogs were fine but the interior of my car will never smell the same again and we must believe that whatever happens to Mrs Bathfire will be for the best.

I, myself have having what nephew Zebulun calls “flash-backs.” In one, I am wandering around the garden naming each tree and you have no idea how difficult that is, especially when you can’t remember what you called the last 100. As if that weren’t bad enough a huge serpent with Mr Asply’s head keeps suddenly appearing and putting me off.

The owner of “Eden Farm” still hasn’t been found, so the joo lawyers say not much can be done. Bobby-Joe and the boys went round and they can’t find even the slightest clue to his ever having been there.