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Lightbulb Jack Thompson Reviews Grand Theft Auto IV - 03-10-2009, 03:20 PM

I'm sure a lot of good parents have seen their children play that evil Satan-Spawn game Grand Theft Auto IV, yet don't have any "proof" because they refuse to be tainted by that shiny disk full of witchcraft and corruption. Never fear! The great Jack Thompson has reviewed this vile mockery of God (and in the process probably lost his soul). However, now your heathen offspring should understand why they should throw this piece of soul-defiling garbage into the endless abyss of the city dump.
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Jack Thompson Reviews Grand Theft Auto IV



I, Jack Thompson, present to you the first HONEST review.

Murder. Assault. Profanity. Defenestration. Such previously inconceivable crimes are suddenly appearing our nation's electronic television sets, courtesy of the new Grand Theft Auto IV violent video game. As a concerned American citizen and servant of our Lord Jesus Christ, it is my duty to inform and warn parents of this depraved attack on culture.

My history and grievances with the Grand Theft Auto violent video game franchise are well documented; my countless victories against Rockstar Games conclusively prove good shall always triumph over evil. Some of my more "famous" conquests, all of which attracted remarkable media coverage, include:
  • October 2001 - Placed a phone call to a local Miami radio talk show, hoping to get on the air and publicly expose a direct link between the recent Anthrax attacks and the Grand Theft Auto violent video games. Hosts were too afraid to take my call on air, but I did manage to scream out a couple Bible verses to the call screener before he hung up.
  • March 2002 - Sent several (hundred) angry faxes to the attorney general after my wife burned a birthday cake in the oven. Approximately two hours later, the attorney general phoned me, pretending to be an employee of a pizza restaurant. He claimed I had an incorrect fax number; this is attorney general secret code for "our investigation of Rockstar Games shall begin now, god bless Jesus."
  • June 2004 - Recorded the sound of my dog farting for several hours. I utilized advanced computer technology to conclusively prove similar audible frequencies exist in the Grand Theft Auto violent video game franchise. I stored this evidence on a Zip drive and mailed them to several major news outlets in an envelope labeled "IMPORTANT INFORMATION NECESSARY TO SAVE YOUR SOUL, OPEN BEFORE RAPTURE!!! PS: I'M NOT CRAZY."
  • January 2006 - Prepared lawsuit against Rockstar Games after discovering their Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas violent video game contained a malicious "miniature game." This "miniature game" let users dress their character in different clothing, which could easily encourage children to put on so many shirts that they suffocate and die. Lawsuit was rejected; I filed an appeal explaining that, since I wrote my letter on a legal pad, it must be treated as a law. I consider this event to be a victory because I found a $10 bill in the bushes near my mailbox.

Screenshot from GTA4.

So now the purveyors of filth have returned once more with another Grand Theft Auto violent video game, ratcheting up the depravity to unimaginably obscene levels. The Grand Theft Auto IV violent video game recycles each repulsive sin from the previous titles, encouraging gamers to engorge themselves upon a trough of mindless blood lust, like a pig who eats body parts. Although spasms of disgust paralyze my body each time I touch the game, it is my duty to play and review the Grand Theft Auto IV violent video game so fellow Christians can be fully aware of its pervasive immorality destroying our culture.
The Grand Theft Auto IV Violent Video Game Review
by Jack Thompson
The Grand Theft Auto IV violent video game is an "open world" game, which simply means characters across the world will open their legs to you for a price (ultimately, your soul). Like many current games, your character is controlled in virtual reality, making it nearly impossible to differentiate between the game and real life. While playing this game, I repeatedly grew confused and believed my television had somehow transformed into a window overlooking Liberty City. "Do not run over that policeman!" I would shout at the main character. I tried throwing him a Bible, which simply hit the screen and fell to the floor. My wife was forced to eventually tie my Bible to some string, which she then looped around my wrist. Now my Bible falls into my mashed potatoes when I attempt to eat dinner, another crime which I shall add to my impending lawsuit.
The Grand Theft Auto IV violent video game begins by introducing the repugnant character you will soon control, Niko Bellic, an illegal immigrant who I believe was a boat captain. This shady, morally bankrupt lowlife details his plans to construct a criminal empire in Liberty City by employing the help of his rich, powerful cousin.

At this point in the game, I grew so repulsed by its flagrant vulgarity that I had no choice but to power off the video game and seal it in a Tupperware container which I buried several feet beneath my garage. Although I technically have not played or viewed any the game past this point, I have talked to various people and conducted extensive internet research, so I can assure you the remainder of this review is completely truthful and accurate.

Niko docks at the port and meets his cousin Roman, an overweight oaf designed to encourage obesity in children. This man commands Niko to reject the lord Jesus Christ and instead worship the proverbial "golden calf" known as the U.S. Dollar. They drive to his shoddy apartment and the screen fades to black, insinuating the two engaged in explicit incestual sodomy between scenes. Developer Rockstar Games is more obsessed with sales figures than the looming threat of transforming America's youth into a nation of fat gays who only move when rolling over to hump their brother.



Screenshot from GTA4.

To build your criminal empire, you must engage in horrendous, unspeakable crimes. Each time you successfully offend our lord, a loud clown honking noise plays and you are awarded 500 points. Niko may travel through Liberty City on foot, but the developers discourage this by having thousands of seagulls relentlessly attack your character when walking around.


To survive the mean streets, Niko must break into vehicles and steal them. Sometimes these vehicles are occupied by families traveling to church. As Niko grabs the helpless driver, you can hear the man plead, "please do not hurt my wife and children, they are the love of my life," to which your character replies "now they are the love of my KNIFE" and begins violently stabbing them as bonus points fly out of their exposed chest cavity. None of the game's drivable vehicles allow you to signal turns or activate the emergency brake when parking on hills.

In addition to cars, trucks, and motorcycles, your character may pilot helicopters and planes. As a grotesque tribute to terrorism, Rockstar Games included specific code that lets players fly a plane into nearly any object in the game, including large buildings... large buildings RESEMBLING A CERTAIN WORLD TRADE CENTER. If this company had any decency whatsoever, they would have modified planes to be semipermeable. Ideally, upon boarding a plane, a very large American flag would appear and a list of all the 9/11 victims would scroll across the screen while a really patriotic midi song played in the background.

The game's inherent violence is easily apparent in the controller's design: one button punches, one kicks, one strangles people, and the last button performs an abortion. If you input secret combinations of buttons, your character gains new abilities, such as the power to covet multiple neighbors' wives at once. The so-called "trigger buttons" on the controller act like triggers in real life, further blurring the line between fantasy and reality. Rockstar Games seeks to "pause" your relationship with Jesus Christ while "resetting" your morals and replacing them with "shoulder bumpers." Soon your character gains access to more powerful weapons such as machine guns, bazookas, grenades, knives, bombs, and birth control. Your character may play "miniature games," which are nearly as perverse as the main game itself. I have compiled a sample of just a few "miniature games" offered in the Grand Theft Auto IV violent video game:
- Run over all the white people as fast as you can and earn Gamer Points which you can use to decorate your car with images of bloody penises.
- Plant dynamite in an elementary school for children who want to grow up to become police officers.
- Murder the wife of the mayor and then strip her corpse and pose it in obscene positions and use Microsoft Live to share the photos with your gamer friends who are using Microsoft Live to download pornography from the internet.

Screenshot from GTA4.

Rockstar Games concentrated on making the audio equally offensive, offering a course and vulgar selection of "music" available through its in-game radio stations. The game's radio can only be activated by breaking into an occupied vehicle and smashing an infant against the dashboard a certain amount of times. A majority of these songs focus on ho-related topics.


The radio additionally offers a talk-show channel which is free of such disgusting filth, but it is apparent Rockstar Games put very little thought or effort into this feature. The talk-show hosts claim to dislike the Jews and blacks, but their discussion ultimately comes across as an empty gesture. I had a difficult time believing these people truly hated the Jews and blacks, which ruined my overall immersion and game play experience. Also it is apparently impossible to call their show and get on the air; I called repeatedly and spent hours on the phone, yet I was never allowed a single opportunity to share my views. Looks like Rockstar Games is still afraid of this humble old man!

As you may have expected, I simply cannot recommend the Grand Theft Auto IV violent video game to anybody except perhaps sociologists interested in discovering the motivation for crime. Rockstar Games has sold the souls of our children, and soon the devil will come to collect. If anybody in their company had souls, I would wish God's mercy upon them. But considering your character Niko Bellic must ultimately track down and assassinate God Himself during the climax of the Grand Theft Auto IV violent video game, I doubt there are any "continues" left for the designers' souls.


FINAL REVIEW SCORE: 1 / 100 (the single point awarded to the score is due to the large, slow-moving boat in the first scene, since I am very fond of large, slow-moving boats)
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Default Re: Jack Thompson Reviews Grand Theft Auto IV - 03-10-2009, 03:27 PM

There hasn't been a copy of GTA sold in Freehold in years. It's been banned due to negative influence on children. There hasn't been a drive by shooting since then.


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Default Re: Jack Thompson Reviews Grand Theft Auto IV - 03-10-2009, 03:29 PM

Unfortunately, some heathens insist of keeping their vile "game". This will help the crusade to destroy every last copy.
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Default Re: Jack Thompson Reviews Grand Theft Auto IV - 03-10-2009, 03:59 PM

I still maintain Rockstar games is up some kind of subtle mockery of good Christian behavior with those games. The reviews read like some kind of world turned upside down were righteous behavior is done purely for depraved reasons. God is not mocked so Rockstar games will have to answer to Jesus for the Grand Theft Auto series.



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