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Reload this Page my finger went through the toilet paper, am I gay?
Straight 4 Jesus! (Back Door Christians) At LBC, we will cure your perversion of choice (even if we have to stone you).

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Titus Templeton's Avatar
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Default Re: my finger went through the toilet paper, am I gay? - 07-09-2011, 03:57 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nobar King View Post
Newspaper works well, too, for when you run out of toilet paper.
It works even better when Obama's Face is on it.
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Default Re: my finger went through the toilet paper, am I gay? - 07-09-2011, 04:03 PM

I use Islamic toilet paper. That way, if a finger pokes through by accident, it's Moohamad's fault, not mine.



Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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Default Re: my finger went through the toilet paper, am I gay? - 07-09-2011, 05:46 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by eliot mayfield View Post
What do you use?
Nothing. I have my wife to clean up everything when she washes me and cleans my clothes.


Freedom means voting for Donald Trump!
To most "Christians" The Bible is like a license agreement. They just scroll to the bottom and click "I agree". All those "Christians" will burn in Hell!
James 2:10 "For whosoever shall keep the whole law, and yet offend in one point, he is guilty of all."
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Default Re: my finger went through the toilet paper, am I gay? - 07-09-2011, 10:00 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by eliot mayfield View Post
It seems that it is against secular law to cut off your finger! It's my body and my right as A christian to do as Jesus wants me too! If I was a liberal slut, it'd be ok to have my baby murdered, but not for a Christian to follow God's word.
It seems if I cut my finger off, I'll be put in a "mental" hospital! I knew a True Christian ™ once who was put in one of those places. They didn't let him out until he was an atheist and he was just never the same. His eyes were always glazed and he didn't talk much either.
It's all the work of Satan, mental hospitals. We all know crazy people are just infested with demons!
Apparently you can get it done in Mexico.
It says:
Quote:
Dr. Ian - Philosopher and Biblical Scholar
..but I'm not sure — anyway it's $10,000 for a leg.
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Default Re: my finger went through the toilet paper, am I gay? - 07-09-2011, 10:15 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by MitzaLizalor View Post
Apparently you can get it done in Mexico.
It says:
..but I'm not sure — anyway it's $10,000 for a leg.
I think you're supposed to do it yourself.
Matthew 5
  1. [29] And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.
  2. [30] And if thy right hand offend thee, cut if off, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.
I don't see where it says "have someone do it for you." Alas, I cannot break secular law either. I shall keep the finger duct taped and maybe it will fall off.
http://www.warts.org/duct-tape-wart-removal.html
If it'll take off a wart, it should take off a damned gay infested finger.


Matthew:
5:17 Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil.
5:18 For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled
10:21 And the brother shall deliver up the brother to death, and the father the child: and the children shall rise up against their parents, and cause them to be put to death.
10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.


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Default Re: my finger went through the toilet paper, am I gay? - 07-09-2011, 10:36 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by eliot mayfield View Post
I think you're supposed to do it yourself.
Matthew 5
  1. [29] And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.
  2. [30] And if thy right hand offend thee, cut if off, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.
I don't see where it says "have someone do it for you." Alas, I cannot break secular law either. I shall keep the finger duct taped and maybe it will fall off.
http://www.warts.org/duct-tape-wart-removal.html
If it'll take off a wart, it should take off a damned gay infested finger.
Papist Mexico has strayed so far from God's Word.

(I was forgetting that DEUTERONOMY 25:11-12 only applies to women and that a True Christian man would be trusted to do do this for himself.)

Thank you for your reply Mr Mayfield.
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Default Re: my finger went through the toilet paper, am I gay? - 07-09-2011, 10:40 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by MitzaLizalor View Post
Papist Mexico has strayed so far from God's Word.

(I was forgetting that DEUTERONOMY 25:11-12 only applies to women and that a True Christian man would be trusted to do do this for himself.)

Thank you for your reply Mr Mayfield.
It is no problem whatsoever.


Matthew:
5:17 Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil.
5:18 For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled
10:21 And the brother shall deliver up the brother to death, and the father the child: and the children shall rise up against their parents, and cause them to be put to death.
10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.


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Default Re: my finger went through the toilet paper, am I gay? - 07-11-2011, 10:37 AM

I think an update is due.

Do we have any news on the following?

a. Has the offending finger been amputated as God quite clearly demanded?
b. If not a. then has the offending finger shown any further gay tendencies such as repeated anal insertion attempts?
c. Have you noticed any gay thoughts? If so we need them describing in detail including the ways in which you imagined sodomising young boys so we can better understand and protect ourselves from the perils of inadvertent anus/fingertip juxtaposition. It would be helpful if you could give some sort of timeframe as to when you realised you wanted to pound Satan's rump so we have an idea as to the window of opportunity in which to make decision a. before irrevocable damnation.
d. No gay thoughts or amputation therefore wiping incidents are safe provided they are totally inadvertent.

Yours in hope that typing isn't too painful or that being irrevocably hellbound hasn't smitten you (in Christ's love)...



Isaiah 34:6 The sword of the LORD is filled with blood, it is made fat with fatness, and with the blood of lambs and goats, with the fat of the kidneys of rams: for the LORD hath a sacrifice in Bozrah, and a great slaughter in the land of Idumea.

John 5:46,47 For had ye believed Moses, ye would have believed me: for he wrote of me. But if ye believe not his writings, how shall ye believe my words?

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The truth about volcanos
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Faith wins over science (explained for even the very stupid)
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Default Re: my finger went through the toilet paper, am I gay? - 07-11-2011, 12:52 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Redeemed Papist View Post
I think an update is due.

Do we have any news on the following?

a. Has the offending finger been amputated as God quite clearly demanded?
b. If not a. then has the offending finger shown any further gay tendencies such as repeated anal insertion attempts?
c. Have you noticed any gay thoughts? If so we need them describing in detail including the ways in which you imagined sodomising young boys so we can better understand and protect ourselves from the perils of inadvertent anus/fingertip juxtaposition. It would be helpful if you could give some sort of timeframe as to when you realised you wanted to pound Satan's rump so we have an idea as to the window of opportunity in which to make decision a. before irrevocable damnation.
d. No gay thoughts or amputation therefore wiping incidents are safe provided they are totally inadvertent.

Yours in hope that typing isn't too painful or that being irrevocably hellbound hasn't smitten you (in Christ's love)...
A: The duct tape is still on it.
B. It hasn't tried anymore, but it is wrapped in duct tape, so it can't.
c: I don't think I've had any gay thoughts, but I was in a good mood yesterday.
D: Too soon to tell.


Matthew:
5:17 Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil.
5:18 For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled
10:21 And the brother shall deliver up the brother to death, and the father the child: and the children shall rise up against their parents, and cause them to be put to death.
10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.


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Default Re: my finger went through the toilet paper, am I gay? - 07-11-2011, 04:56 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by eliot mayfield View Post
I was low on toilet paper, so I didn't use the normal safety barrier of half a roll. A roll per session is my general rule, but I didn't have a full roll left.
Well, it happened. My finger went through the paper and I touched myself down there, actually it was more than just a touch. I think my finger went in a little.
Does this make me a homosexual?
I'd guess many men have been in this position. What separates us is whether or not you decided to sniff your finger.
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Default Re: my finger went through the toilet paper, am I gay? - 07-11-2011, 07:36 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by eliot mayfield View Post
I was low on toilet paper, so I didn't use the normal safety barrier of half a roll. A roll per session is my general rule, but I didn't have a full roll left.
Well, it happened. My finger went through the paper and I touched myself down there, actually it was more than just a touch. I think my finger went in a little.
Does this make me a homosexual?
Hi Elliot

.... No, just means that you accidently touched your own a$$ dude.

But to help you, since I know christian worry about this sort of stuff....

1) Do you think about men in any sexual way?

If yes = your probably gay, sorry...
If no = you are fine, you aren't gay...

and please don't cut off your finger! was only an accident!


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abominable works, there is none that doeth good.
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Default Re: my finger went through the toilet paper, am I gay? - 07-11-2011, 09:47 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by ajroloff View Post
Hi Elliot

.... No, just means that you accidently touched your own a$$ dude.

But to help you, since I know christian worry about this sort of stuff....

1) Do you think about men in any sexual way?

If yes = your probably gay, sorry...
If no = you are fine, you aren't gay...

and please don't cut off your finger! was only an accident!
First off, mind your tongue when adressing any True Christian™, this is our house, not yours.

Second, I'm glad that you make light of something my True Christian™Brother takes very seriously (and it is serious). It's no laughing matter, he could have gotten the AID!!!
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Default Re: my finger went through the toilet paper, am I gay? - 07-11-2011, 09:55 PM

yes.
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Default Re: my finger went through the toilet paper, am I gay? - 07-11-2011, 10:46 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by MoparManiac View Post
yes.
How do you know this for certain?


Matthew:
5:17 Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil.
5:18 For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled
10:21 And the brother shall deliver up the brother to death, and the father the child: and the children shall rise up against their parents, and cause them to be put to death.
10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.


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Default Re: my finger went through the toilet paper, am I gay? - 07-11-2011, 10:57 PM

I am probably being over cautious here. But if Eliot has picked up the AIDS through his rectal mishap is it at all possible that it could be one of those virus that can spread over the interweb? Would it make sense to at least consider that eventuality? Can a firewall stop the AIDS?

YiC

Jack


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Smile Re: my finger went through the toilet paper, am I gay? - 07-12-2011, 12:34 AM

I have been holding off on this issue as I have been thinking long and hard about the dilemmas and problems faced by society today.
I think it all has to do with the level of penetration. Is it an accidental brushing or did it cause a belly button to go from an 'inny' to an 'outtie'? Was the depth the result of an outside force (like God) pressing you forward or merely an absent minded slip of the wrist?
I myself on many occasion have had a itch that ended up being fairly difficult to get to and I have had to ask a friend to give me a hand. Of course, I returned the favor as it is the True Christian™ thing to do.

Quote:
Job 31:10
Then let my wife grind unto another, and let others bow down upon her.
Proverbs 5:9
Lest thou give thine honour unto others, and thy years unto the cruel:


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Amos 3:6 Shall a trumpet be blown in the city, and the people not be afraid? shall there be evil in a city, and the LORD hath not done it?
Numbers 21:6 And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died.
Matthew 10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
Matthew 10:35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
Matthew 10:36 And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.
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Default Re: my finger went through the toilet paper, am I gay? - 07-12-2011, 01:23 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by John Creeser View Post
First off, mind your tongue when adressing any True Christian™, this is our house, not yours.

Second, I'm glad that you make light of something my True Christian™Brother takes very seriously (and it is serious). It's no laughing matter, he could have gotten the AID!!!
Hi John

1) I assure you I was just merely stating facts, which is why I used $$ for typing the word for your own

2) Elliot is not gay, the finger was literary an accident, cutting off a finger would just be quite idiotic to be honest.

3) You can not get aids that way, I am very sure so.... no offence but this is a funny link you should watch....

[satanic link deleted]


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abominable works, there is none that doeth good.
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Default Re: my finger went through the toilet paper, am I gay? - 07-12-2011, 01:29 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by ajroloff View Post

3) You can not get aids that way,
You think you can't get AIDS through sodomy??? Son, your naivety is severe. I assure you that sodomy causes a great deal of AIDS.


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Default Re: my finger went through the toilet paper, am I gay? - 07-12-2011, 04:09 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Talitha View Post
Good call brother Nobar. The harder the better.

Of course, there are all kinds of mops and pads available, but most of them are no more than Homersexural m'ing devices.

***WARNING: LINK TO ANAL M'ING DEVICE***

OK


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Default Re: my finger went through the toilet paper, am I gay? - 07-12-2011, 04:26 AM

With a half a roll of TP stuffed in your ass, you obviously had to exert tremendous hand pressure for your finger to pierce all the way through. Were you trying to push your stool back IN ?

Yup. Definitely homosexual.

Inform your wife/girlfriend at once before you rob her of any more of her time and life only to break her heart with your impending announcement later in time.Was it easy to go in all the way? Was the sphincter muscle loose? If so, yep, you're a flamer...sorry.You can get reparative therapy from Michelle Bachmann's husband. But first he'll discipline you.


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