Go Back   The Landover Baptist Church Forum > Church Forums > Promise Enforcers - Men Only!
Reload this Page Sinless Masturbation after Hand Transplant
Promise Enforcers - Men Only! We make Promise Keepers look like homers! No homosexuals or women allowed!

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
(#1)
Old
Elmer G. White's Avatar
Elmer G. White Elmer G. White is offline
Distinguished Professor of Prayer Healing and Creation Zoology (Baraminology)
Victim of atheist scientific persecution
 

Protected by JESUS Heaven Bound Friend of Jesus Christian Love True Christian™ Touched by Jesus Persecuted Honorary Ex-Eskimo Ex-Scandinavian Ex-eurotrash True Scientist™ 1st Year Bible College 2nd Year Bible College 3rd Year Bible College 4th Year Bible College Doctor Super Soaker Baptism Award Ready for the Rapture Flat Earth Prayer Warrior Ex-Masturbator Tell her once True Christian Caucasian Real American™ Porn Resistant The Al E. Pistle Award for Excellence in Rebuking One Year/1000 posts 2014 Witch Hunt Award Mower Mission to Korea Uber Angels Driver Trump of GOD Roper Crossburn Donald Trump 2016! Pancake Dinner Mission to Messico Saved 1 Year Platinum Tither Eats the Most Pork True Heterosexual™ 2015 Witch Hunt Award Pastor Ezekiel Crown of Glory BFF of Jesus Loves a GODLY Chic-Fil-A Proud Survivor of the Overwatch Wars Probing for Jesus Wall of Jesus Crown of Righteousness Alternative Facts True Christian Nerd GLORY Saved 5 Years Hold re-election 2020 for Jesus Team Fortress Rebuker Extraordinaire Get Behind Me Doctor - NO TEAM FORTRESS!

 
Posts: 8,828
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: On a mission in Godless Europistan
Elmer G. White will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Elmer G. White will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Elmer G. White will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Elmer G. White will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Elmer G. White will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Elmer G. White will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Elmer G. White will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Elmer G. White will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Elmer G. White will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Elmer G. White will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Elmer G. White will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Jesus' eternal love Sinless Masturbation after Hand Transplant - 10-02-2019, 03:19 AM

Sinless Masturbation after Hand Transplant - A Case Study.
Elmer G. White
Landover University, Department of Creation Science
Peer-reviewed by Prayer and God


Previously, our own impeccable community has determined that male masturbation is gay sex due to the inescapable fact that the hand giving the satisfaction to the copulatory organ is that of a man (Leviticus 18:22). I present here an important exception to this general rule based on the experiences of a good friend, a Godly man and a relatively good preacher, who wishes to remain anonymous, as he frequents these discussion boards and does not wish to raise too much envy (Job 5:2).

This anonymous man, one of our own, was spreading the gospel in the South American (Messican) with his obedient wife (who took care of the catering) jungles when they were attacked by a group of local savages armed with machetes. After the resulting mayhem and a lot of efficient prayers, the life of the man was saved, as Jesus still had plans for him. However, his wife perished after a well-landed precise strike of the weapons, and the man suffered serious injuries, the worst of which was that his right hand was amputated.



But he had lots of preaching to do, blessings to give and sermons to write. And he was - similar to all God-fearing men, right-handed. What to do?

Fortunately the mission had a gasoline-driven generator and a portable fridge to cool their refreshments. So the man preserved some crucial body parts of his wife, while the savages apparently consumed the hand that had given blessings and healings and invited more heathens to Jesus than the number of fingers of that hand had been.

To cut the story short, the man had wisely married a woman of the same blood type to avoid marriage across racial boundaries (Deuteronomy 7:3). Thus, the deceased wife was the perfect donor for a hand transplant. After a quick Prayer with Jesus informing that, indeed, in this rare case he should trust the doctors, the man received the hand of his wife and was, once again, able to do the Lord's Work in an efficient manner. Praise Jesus who let his wife to die in the hands of the savages to give this man a new hand!



Philippians 4:5
Let your moderation be known unto all men. The Lord is at hand.

Revelation 5:7
And he came and took the book out of the right hand of him that sat upon the throne.




Now, Brethren, a man needs release but only within the Godly heterosexual marriage (1 Corinthians 6:18). I am happy to tell you that this man has become an avid masturbator. He gets release at least once a day, even more often in-between his sermons. And IT IS NOT SIN. The hand he is using is a hand of a WOMAN. It is NOT homosexual. Furthermore, it is the hand of HIS WIFE! It is NOT adultery (Leviticus 20:10). You might raise the objection that the seed is spilled (Genesis 38:9), but it is NOT. Praise Jesus! In fact, the convulsions of this man during the phase of release are so weak that the spurts only travel a very short distance and most of the discharge lands on his wife's hand that is just performing her marital duties. (I know that it is complicated.) By the Grace and Miracle of Jesus, it is possible that the touching of his seed on his wife's now transplanted hand may lead into the miracle of pregnancy and birth, and I am proud to say that this man is trying this most vigorously.

And as the sense of touch in the transplanted hand will remain feeble, he fulfills the promise of Jesus!

Matthew 6:3
But when thou doest alms, let not thy left hand know what thy right hand doeth:


Conclusions: Masturbation includes marital duties performed with a transplanted arm and in this case it is WITHOUT SIN. Jesus sees all this and smiles approvingly and enjoys to watch how one of His chosen ones continues to do His work even after this unfortunate incident. God IS Great!




Yours in Christ,

Elmer


2 Kings 18:25 - Am I now come up without the LORD against this place to destroy it? The LORD said to me, Go up against this land, and destroy it.



PREPARE YOURSELF TO RAPTURE WITH THIS MANUAL!
Check out our Research in Creation Science:
Reply With Quote
(#2)
Old
Kyrre Eliasen (On Moderation) Kyrre Eliasen is offline
Foul Sinner on Moderation

LDS Fool Incel Swiss Skull

 
Posts: 51
Join Date: Dec 2017
Location: Åmli
Kyrre Eliasen is a sorcerer and idolater who follows false gods and will rot in Hell.
Default Re: Sinless Masturbation after Hand Transplant - 10-02-2019, 01:27 PM

Hallelujah.I wish all the savages the best.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Find Additional Forums Here



Powered by Jesus - vBulletin® Version 3.8.9
Copyright ©2000 - 2019, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
vBulletin Skin developed by: vBStyles.com
Content Landover Baptist Forums © 1620, 2018 all rights reserved