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Default Homecoming - 09-15-2006, 07:41 PM

It's getting to be that time of year again, friends. I'm speaking of homecoming. Like prom, it is a thinly-veiled excuse for fornication and alcohol consumption. It turns millions of girls into uncontrollable harlots every year, which can only mean that the school administrators who orchestrate these events are in league with Satan.

I remember beating the tar out of my daughters for simply asking permission to attend one of these Satanic sex parties. The closest they came to a dance on homecoming night was the swivelling of their hips while they mopped the floor.

Do not let your daughter be deflowered by some testosterone-laden, pimply-faced imbecile in a suit or tux.



If she shouts, "You never let me have any fun," simply retort, "Did Jesus have fun when He died temporarily for your sins?" Then hand her a mop. Tell her she can dance with that.

Praise Jesus.

Last edited by Old Man Hatchet; 09-16-2006 at 12:14 AM.
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Default 09-15-2006, 08:28 PM

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Originally Posted by Old Man Hatchet View Post
If she shouts, "You never let me have any fun," simply retort, "Did Jesus have fun when he died temporarily for your sins?" Then hand her a mop. Tell her she can dance with that.

Praise Jesus.
Godly words Brother Hatchet, I agree, if those young women just have to have fun then strap their mops to their' hips and then they do their fun in the kitchen like a proper lady instead of rutting in somekind of teenage sex orgy.



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Default 09-15-2006, 11:48 PM

GLORY!!!

That is some sound and wise advice Brother Hatchet!! You are such a wonderful father!

Why we don't even let them swivel their hips when we have our GODLY Ho' downs here in Landover.




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Default 09-16-2006, 12:20 AM

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Originally Posted by BibleThumpinBlonde View Post
GLORY!!!
Why we don't even let them swivel their hips when we have our GODLY Ho' downs here in Landover.
Indeed, Sister. You'll always notice me to the side of the dance floor at these events, never taking my eyes off the women's bodies to make certain they are not conducting themselves in a provocative manner.
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Default 09-16-2006, 12:40 AM

Thank the LORD we have someone overseeing it. Apparently the Chastity Belts cannot function to their full potential if one were to writhe in an inappropriate manner.


They should add sides to these so that one could no longer ruin their innocence by accidentally swaying! There is no good reason why one should move side-to-side -- that motion was invented by the Homer community to ease the pain of fornicating!
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Default 09-17-2006, 06:32 PM

I'm in 9th grade, should I go to Homecoming?
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Default 09-17-2006, 06:35 PM

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Originally Posted by Ixi View Post
I'm in 9th grade, should I go to Homecoming?
Since you are not eighteen, you should GET OFF THIS BOARD RIGHT NOW!


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Break their teeth, O God, in their mouth.--Psalms 58:6


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Default 09-17-2006, 07:31 PM

course you should Ixi go out and have fun. Landover Girls are no fun to be around anyways always agreeing with me and mad I win't let them be my slave.
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Default 09-17-2006, 07:33 PM

Ummm....ok, I guess I'll go.
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Default 09-17-2006, 08:00 PM

Oh Pastor Al age doesn't mean anything
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Default Divine Retribution - 09-17-2006, 08:10 PM

Indeed, Brother Hatchet, how much did Sinful "Carrie" enjoy her prom after disregarding the teachings of her Religious Mother and JESUS?:



(And might I say as long as I'm here that your new long-stemmed pipe looks ever so Manly!!!)

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Default 09-17-2006, 11:19 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sister Sue Vera View Post
(And might I say as long as I'm here that your new long-stemmed pipe looks ever so Manly!!!)
SUV
Thank you, Godly Sister Sue. Your tiara looks as lovely and sparkly as ever. Wilfred Brimley would need sunglasses if he were to stand before your radiance.

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Default 09-18-2006, 03:17 PM

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Originally Posted by HelmsFan55 View Post
Oh Pastor Al age doesn't mean anything
It depends on the circumstances. Age alone may not mean anything, but clicking on the "I am over 18" button when you are not means you are a liar, and most likely a JEW to boot.


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God being truth, justice, goodness, beauty, power, and life, man is falsehood, iniquity, evil, ugliness, impotence, and death. God being master, man is the slave. Incapable of finding justice, truth, and eternal life by his own effort, he can attain them only through a divine revelation... he who desires to worship God must harbor no childish illusions about the matter, but bravely renounce his liberty and humanity.
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Default 09-19-2006, 07:49 AM

Judging by it's posts, i'd say it's entirely possible it's over 18 and in the 9th grade!


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5:18 For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled
10:21 And the brother shall deliver up the brother to death, and the father the child: and the children shall rise up against their parents, and cause them to be put to death.
10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.


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Default 09-20-2006, 03:48 PM

Bless you, Brother Hatchet. Although "shades" seem a little too modern for my taste for this Great Man to be affecting, still, you can see those Severe, Disapproving eyes of his quite well.

Praying I have the strength to set the new batch of Christmas Eggnog aside long enough to have a Brimley Bowl of oatmeal 'cause,

"It's the Right thing to do!"

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Thank you, Godly Sister Sue. Your tiara looks as lovely and sparkly as ever. Wilfred Brimley would need sunglasses if he were to stand before your radiance.

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Default Re: Homecoming - 11-07-2006, 02:42 AM

PRAISE SATAN!!! homecoming is NOT a satanic sex party. you don't even know what satanism truelly is. look it up: http://www.churchofsatan.com ---it's not what you think. so quit bad mouthing stuff that you don't even know what is. and i've been to homecoming. i didn't have sex or drink. neither did a lot of people there.
oh, and fyi: "beating the tar" out of your daughters is illegal in any state in the US. i feel really sorry for your daughters and i hope someone reports you...
-Satan-
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Default Re: Homecoming - 11-07-2006, 05:25 AM

Praise Satan? Why a Pastor hasn't banned you yet can only be explained by the infinite patience of the Lord Jesus. I most certainly will NOT be visiting whatever link that is, at the peril of my Eternal Soul™. Luckily, any True Christian™ would be using Landover's patented AntiVirus software, designed to protect from eDemons, and therefore cannot be damned to hell thanks to you.

Beating the tar out of one's child (or wife) is not only allowed by the Bible, it is ENCOURAGED. For, lest we forget, it is through bruises that one repents, as the Holy King James Version Bible states. What sickular law states is of no consequence. Within Landover's boundaries, the LORD's Laws outweigh those of activist LIEberal judges. Praise!


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Default Re: Homecoming - 11-07-2006, 07:51 AM

Beware of allowing your girls to be unsupervised near mop handles!!!
Accidents can happen, so better is to have your girls on their hands and knees scrubbing.

There have been deaths due to girls trying to do "gymnastics" and the handles of brooms and mops.


Matthew:
5:17 Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil.
5:18 For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled
10:21 And the brother shall deliver up the brother to death, and the father the child: and the children shall rise up against their parents, and cause them to be put to death.
10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.


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Default Re: Homecoming - 11-07-2006, 09:23 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by hellion View Post
PRAISE SATAN!!! homecoming is NOT a satanic sex party. you don't even know what satanism truelly is. look it up: http://www.churchofsatan.com ---it's not what you think. so quit bad mouthing stuff that you don't even know what is. and i've been to homecoming. i didn't have sex or drink. neither did a lot of people there.
oh, and fyi: "beating the tar" out of your daughters is illegal in any state in the US. i feel really sorry for your daughters and i hope someone reports you...
-Satan-
I already know what it is.
It is a fake "church" made up by a stupid homer named laVey. (the name should be enough evidence anyone could ever need for his homerness.)

You people might think satan is "a symbolic representation of mankinds strenght" or whatever mumbo jumbo you currently believe in..
But satan is not symbolic, he is not your friend, and he is going to rape and torture you for eternity once JESUS throws you in HELL!
Have fun, homer.


If thou be wise, thou shalt be wise for thyself: But if thou scornest, thou alone shalt bear it.
A foolish woman is clamorous: She is simple, and knoweth nothing.
Proverbs 9:12-13
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Default Re: Homecoming - 11-07-2006, 12:40 PM

I wonder if these limp-wristed satanist scumbags realize that their "hero" Anton LaVey was a polish jewboy who created his "church of satan" as a way of making money for himself. It didn't work out because he spent most of the money he made on sex holidays in Thailand where he bought and was sodomised by a string of 14 year old gook boys. He died in the gutter just a few years ago, and he is now in hell gulping scalding hot bile, Praise Jesus.


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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