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MEET CHRISTIAN SINGLES! Who knows? The love of your life might be here! All the single men are GODLY and all the single ladies are virgins...........for the most part.

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Default Requesting Good Christian Ladies to wed my sons! - 02-05-2018, 07:21 AM

Hello to you all.

I come with a very pressing request to find suitable young ladies to court my eldest sons so they can have wives to wed, bed and further Christ's Army with the pitter patter of infant feet!


Whether they like it or not, they cannot stay single and grow up to become 40 year old untouched, unwed weaklings. I won't allow it. So ladies, pay attention, here's a preview of viable Christian could-be husbands that can soon be yours!


This is Rush Moans. He is 18 and attends a reputable Christian military college. He is a quarterback in their football league (and pumped for their annual Jesusbowl!) and he is most adept of weeding out the fags lurking among his peers, so he can beat the stuffing out of them!


We took this photo of him last summer on a hunting trip. Ladies, take note, he is a budding marksman and won't tolerate sloppiness when you clean his rifles! He won't want your oily prints all over the shaft!





This is Rush with his brother, Crusher (age 17, he's a big boy!), who also attends the same college.



Crusher also enjoys crushing fags, a habit we noticed in his tender twos when he caused one of the other boys at his Sunday school to be taken to ER with a fractured skull. Crusher had him pinned under an ass from the Nativity diorama during that Christmas. The lucky woman who takes Crusher as her man may be in for a few surprises, and perhaps a black eye or two!


Now here's Lloyd who is sixteen. I showed this photo to one of our fellow members who was tempted to take all my boys on a camping trip, and I mentioned that this photo, Lloyd was complaining about some pains in his side. We had Dr. Toole examine him for demons and performed a miracle operation. I can assure you gals, little Lloyd is now demon free and at your service!



Now, personality-wise, Lloyd is more social than some of my other boys. He expresses his spirituality in a very oral manner, and takes the pulpit during youth gatherings to spread the Word of God to the younger ones. I know he will be a terrific father. He's charismatic, conservative, brave, and has a gentle manliness about him to round him out. You couldn't find a more lovelier man!


Now I come to a special case; this is Mildrew.



He is 13, going on 14 and I am particularly anxious to find him the right woman, as normally he doesn't seem too interested in girls. I can't even get a decent photo of him because he spends all his time in his room, and gets especially salty with me when I try to come in. Mr. Moans has taken Mildrew out back once, stripped him butt naked, and beat his rear end, whipping his belt with his left-hand, and reading Scripture in his right. Rush and Crusher even spent the better part of an afternoon, sitting on top of him, threatening to break his brittle hand bones if he continues to scream like a little siss. I could overhear Rush tell him (I was in the kitchen when this happened), he said, "If you continue to act like a soft pussy, bro, we are just going to have to treat you like one!" In spite of our efforts, we fear Mildrew will turn out gay (note the suspicious rainbow looking cloth behind his head in the photo), unless we intervene.

Please ladies, come claim my Mildrew before it's too late, or else we have to disown him or send him to the Landover Correctional Unit for shock therapy. Better yet, bake him an apple pie and let him taste it. If you've been skilled properly in the culinary arts, one taste of your pie should send Mildrew packing, and he won't ever want to come back home to freeload of his hard-working folks again!!

So, that's it for the Moans market for now. I shall catalogue my youngest sons; Scooter, Bud, Carson, Boomhauer and Donald when they come of age, or before they get drafted.
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Default Re: Requesting Good Christian Ladies to wed my sons! - 02-05-2018, 01:33 PM

I couldn't help noticing that Lloyd seem to have a different shaped head. Is this a topic he's ever raised with you? It's difficult to compare the 4th photo due to its being out of focus.
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Default Re: Requesting Good Christian Ladies to wed my sons! - 02-05-2018, 02:32 PM

I smell something demonic because I cannot see any pictures. Are your sons invisible?
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Default Re: Requesting Good Christian Ladies to wed my sons! - 02-05-2018, 03:02 PM

As a manly, masculine, born again male, I would caution you about trying to marry these guys off until you are certain they know Jesus and the Biblical way a True Christian™ should treat the weaker gender. Otherwise, they will grow weak and acquiesce when their "female" begins to complain about discipline, not having enough clothesline, his refusal to purchase cosmetics for her, etc.

Once that weakening happens, it's very tough, though not impossible, to regain the macho we dudes are supposed to have.


I think our Wilderness Camp is a great idea for your boys. Because our counselors do not actually interact in person with the campers (since they are not True Christians™ ), the attendees are given daily agendas they must complete in order to successfully achieve "Real Man®" status. The activities include Fast Rapids Rafting for the younger set and Wilderness Hikes for the older ones. The hikes are held in the Colorado Rockies, generally above 12,000 feet, and take place in January and February. Transportation is included in the fee.


We also offer bear hunting (ages 9-13) and elk taming (all ages), which helps develop structure, mental awareness, and courage in the campers.


I strongly suggest not sending ALL of your sons at the same time, but that's up to you, of course. I'll be distance-counseling a set of campers in just a week or so, and space is limited. Let me know.


Proverbs 21:31 KJV 1611:
“The horse is prepared against the day of battell: but safetie is of the Lord.”

Lord, may I serve my equine brothers and sisters just as I do my fellow man.
Amen and Amen
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Default Re: Requesting Good Christian Ladies to wed my sons! - 02-05-2018, 05:09 PM

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Originally Posted by Basilissa View Post
I smell something demonic because I cannot see any pictures. Are your sons invisible?

Hmm, it works on my end. Brother Lombardo told me they weren't working on his computer, but worked on the church computers and his laptop. Do you have filter settings on your JesOS or a tricky firewall perhaps?
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Default Re: Requesting Good Christian Ladies to wed my sons! - 02-05-2018, 05:20 PM

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Originally Posted by BrotherLarry View Post
As a manly, masculine, born again male, I would caution you about trying to marry these guys off until you are certain they know Jesus and the Biblical way a True Christian™ should treat the weaker gender. Otherwise, they will grow weak and acquiesce when their "female" begins to complain about discipline, not having enough clothesline, his refusal to purchase cosmetics for her, etc.

Once that weakening happens, it's very tough, though not impossible, to regain the macho we dudes are supposed to have.


I think our Wilderness Camp is a great idea for your boys. Because our counselors do not actually interact in person with the campers (since they are not True Christians™ ), the attendees are given daily agendas they must complete in order to successfully achieve "Real Man®" status. The activities include Fast Rapids Rafting for the younger set and Wilderness Hikes for the older ones. The hikes are held in the Colorado Rockies, generally above 12,000 feet, and take place in January and February. Transportation is included in the fee.


We also offer bear hunting (ages 9-13) and elk taming (all ages), which helps develop structure, mental awareness, and courage in the campers.


I strongly suggest not sending ALL of your sons at the same time, but that's up to you, of course. I'll be distance-counseling a set of campers in just a week or so, and space is limited. Let me know.


Indeed Brother. I am going on limb, putting my boys out there in a public forum. Though I put my trust in the integrity of Landover's dating service, as we well know, our Godly site isn't impervious to the common trollop.

Ideally, my boys would find women on their own time, and not leave it to their mother to do the grunt work for them. In this case, I would be delighted to periodically turn them over to you, one at a time, to attend your back bush excursions.

How much will it cost, per camper to attend this adventure? I will defer the bill in the name of Mr. Moans of course.
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Default Re: Requesting Good Christian Ladies to wed my sons! - 02-05-2018, 05:25 PM

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Originally Posted by MitzaLizalor View Post
I couldn't help noticing that Lloyd seem to have a different shaped head. Is this a topic he's ever raised with you? It's difficult to compare the 4th photo due to its being out of focus.


Hmm, this is the first time I've shown Lloyd to you all? I'm not sure what you might be comparing him to, dear. Of course, if you think his head is odd...well, I admit I have some concerning doubts in the matter of his parentage. It could be a freak occurrence, but there's something vaguely swarthy; Hispanic about his complexion that doesn't ring true with the adage of our sons looking like their mothers. There's also the matter that he is uncircumcised, as so often is with Latinos, but most unlike the manhoods of all my other boys.

It's a niggling detail Mr. Moans and I have chosen to gloss over, to keep the peace.
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Default Re: Requesting Good Christian Ladies to wed my sons! - 02-05-2018, 05:52 PM

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Originally Posted by DolliMoans View Post
Hmm, it works on my end. Brother Lombardo told me they weren't working on his computer, but worked on the church computers and his laptop. Do you have filter settings on your JesOS or a tricky firewall perhaps?
My working hypothesis is still that it's demons. It's the simplest explanation, you see.
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Default Re: Requesting Good Christian Ladies to wed my sons! - 02-05-2018, 06:05 PM

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Originally Posted by Basilissa View Post
My working hypothesis is still that it's demons. It's the simplest explanation, you see.
The simple reason is usually the truth, Sister. I just don't want no Devil messing with my boys' photos.
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Default Re: Requesting Good Christian Ladies to wed my sons! - 02-05-2018, 09:02 PM

I was going to suggest some precautions but I see you're putting your sons first and are aware of what could befall the unwary.
PROVERBS 7:27 Her house is the way to hell, going down to the chambers of death.
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Default Re: Requesting Good Christian Ladies to wed my sons! - 02-05-2018, 11:28 PM

My husband and I are the proud parents of five Godly sons. I'd help you out, but we already have a line of parents waiting to marry their daughters to our sons, many of them with huge dowries. Perhaps I can send you a list of the less desirable girls?
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Default Re: Requesting Good Christian Ladies to wed my sons! - 02-06-2018, 03:40 AM

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My husband and I are the proud parents of five Godly sons. I'd help you out, but we already have a line of parents waiting to marry their daughters to our sons, many of them with huge dowries. Perhaps I can send you a list of the less desirable girls?
My sons don't need any help attracting good women, but we'll humor you. You may lobby your dowdy daughters, sure, but I'd like to count their teeth, and ensure their virginity first, before we can proceed.
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Jesus Re: Requesting Good Christian Ladies to wed my sons! - 02-06-2018, 11:49 AM

Sister Dolli,
The cost of the camp varies depending on the boy's age. From ages 4-7 the average is $30,000. 8-11, $45,000. 12-15, $65,000. From 16-17, $124,319.83.


This covers transportation, materials for the various activities offered, meals, primitive lodging (tents), and use of the "special" shower room and bathroom privileges. So I can properly order uniforms for the little gents, I ask that you provide me with pictures of them clad only in their little boxers or briefs. I have a computer program that will then automatically size them up.


We do require signed consent forms and proof of health/accident insurance. While accidents do happen from time to time, and despite our Better Business Bureau rating, most campers return home safely. Which of your sons can I count on this session?


Brother Faith Machine, are you also going to be a virtual counselor?


Proverbs 21:31 KJV 1611:
“The horse is prepared against the day of battell: but safetie is of the Lord.”

Lord, may I serve my equine brothers and sisters just as I do my fellow man.
Amen and Amen
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Default Re: Requesting Good Christian Ladies to wed my sons! - 02-06-2018, 05:09 PM

Hello Ms Dolli,

I am on tour right now promoting my new album, Sinless-Sing-Along Psalms for Shithole Countries! (Ironically, we cannot perform in said shithole countries yet for legal, and health reasons), and I would personally like to extend to you proceeds from our tour, to help fund sending you boys to summer camp! I suspect your husband, Mr. Moans, is a tin-tither who cannot afford such extravagances, so let me (and Jesus) help you and your family out. I had once been in a similar financial situation, so I can understand what it must be like, growing up in that environment. It would do my Christian heart good to slip you a little tip-out for the sake of your sons' well-being and development.

(Psalms 112:5) 5 A good man sheweth favour, and lendeth: he will guide his affairs with discretion.
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Default Re: Requesting Good Christian Ladies to wed my sons! - 02-07-2018, 05:12 AM

Hello. I am the father of Wendy, pictured on this account. I allowed her to have this account under my strict monitorization. I think she would be suitable for either one of your first two pictured sons. She is 17 years old and very submissive and docile. She will make an amazing homemaker and wife. Let me know if you’re interested.
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Jesus Re: Requesting Good Christian Ladies to wed my sons! - 02-07-2018, 03:49 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by blondebiblelover View Post
Hello. I am the father of Wendy, pictured on this account. I allowed her to have this account under my strict monitorization. I think she would be suitable for either one of your first two pictured sons. She is 17 years old and very submissive and docile. She will make an amazing homemaker and wife. Let me know if you’re interested.

Sister Dolli,
I feared this solicitation might start. Every harlot in the world is going to be chasing your sons. Please let me have them before you release them to these hellcat whores. The things I can do for them are not possible with the weaker gender. I beg you - don't give me sloppy seconds.
BrotherLarry


Proverbs 21:31 KJV 1611:
“The horse is prepared against the day of battell: but safetie is of the Lord.”

Lord, may I serve my equine brothers and sisters just as I do my fellow man.
Amen and Amen
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Default Re: Requesting Good Christian Ladies to wed my sons! - 02-07-2018, 04:06 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by blondebiblelover View Post
Hello. I am the father of Wendy, pictured on this account. I allowed her to have this account under my strict monitorization. I think she would be suitable for either one of your first two pictured sons. She is 17 years old and very submissive and docile. She will make an amazing homemaker and wife. Let me know if you’re interested.
I could very well maybe let the likes of your little Wendy near my sons, provided she isn't a skipping little pixie with any prior history of sluttery. A two-finger purity test by you is mandatory. I will also need an income statement, and a prenup dowry before we can proceed with any courtship.


She will absolutely have to put down her puppies and her clothes burned with new attire for her bought at your expense, of course. I can't stand mutt hair.
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Default Re: Requesting Good Christian Ladies to wed my sons! - 02-07-2018, 04:11 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by BrotherLarry View Post
Sister Dolli,
I feared this solicitation might start. Every harlot in the world is going to be chasing your sons. Please let me have them before you release them to these hellcat whores. The things I can do for them are not possible with the weaker gender. I beg you - don't give me sloppy seconds.
BrotherLarry


Brother Larry,


As soon Brother Lombardo's love offering to send my boys to camp clears, I will shuffle them your way.
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Default Re: Requesting Good Christian Ladies to wed my sons! - 02-08-2018, 03:21 PM

Dolli,

I would be most excited to help you!


My eldest, Josephine, is 9 (going on 10), and I've been anxious as of late to marry her off. However, I agree that BrotherLarry should train them in the arts of true Manlihood before considering, especially Mildrew, the poor boy!


I'm sure that Josephine could be trained into being the perfect wife!


NOTE: Despite similarities in likeness and name, I am NOT famous Evangelist speaker Jack Redmond. That is a DIFFERENT Jack Redmond.
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Jesus Re: Requesting Good Christian Ladies to wed my sons! - 02-09-2018, 04:21 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by crazyjack13 View Post
Dolli,

I would be most excited to help you!


My eldest, Josephine, is 9 (going on 10), and I've been anxious as of late to marry her off. However, I agree that BrotherLarry should train them in the arts of true Manlihood before considering, especially Mildrew, the poor boy!


I'm sure that Josephine could be trained into being the perfect wife!

Yes, my special training will show them what it means to open up and take things like a man. Of course, I could do more if I was able to be with them in person, but since they aren't True Christians™ my virtual supervision through Skype has to suffice. I am still hoping Brother Faith Machine can assist. He has to have a temporary lift of his ban on social media and webcams, and that takes time.


Sister Dolli, just a heads up that space is going fast - and you still haven't sent those pictures I requested of the little lads in their skivvies. If you aren't comfy doing it, ask your husband or another trusted male. Close ups are best.


Brother Jack, would you want to do a virtual speech on manliness?


Proverbs 21:31 KJV 1611:
“The horse is prepared against the day of battell: but safetie is of the Lord.”

Lord, may I serve my equine brothers and sisters just as I do my fellow man.
Amen and Amen
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