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Default How to speak directly to the Lead Pastor - 10-28-2021, 06:36 PM

I have been asked how one might speak in person and directly to Landover’s beloved leader and inspiration, Pastor Ezekiel (Zeke) Flint.

This is an excellent question as Landover has, since 1620, prided itself (in a very humble way) on the accessibility of all its Pastors to all who seek Salvation. To that end, the following convenient and simple method is used:

However, before we progress, please note, that the necessity to speak to Pastor Flint will only occur if (i) you are still conflicted about the advice received from one of our many Pastors and (ii) it relates to matters that are of public interest to the fundamental issues of Baptist faith and (iii) the conflict is not addressed the Mission Statement (and supplementary documentation) of Landover Baptist Church.

If those very reasonable conditions are met, the following procedure should be followed.

At dawn, lay the carcass of a dove (not a pigeon) on the altar of the Lamentations Flint Chapel. At sundown of that day, a Pastor will appear unto you and he will ask you three questions related to your Faith. If you answer them correctly, he will provide to you a quill with which you will write your name upon the piece of papyrus provided. The Pastor will then instruct you to burn this papyrus in a fire made of tumbleweed. The following morning, Pastor Zeke will appear unto you, and at this point you may ask your question. I must warn you, show due respect and do not look him directly in the eye.





“We must reassert that the essence of Christianity is the love of obedience to God’s Laws and that how that complete obedience is used or implemented does not concern us.”

Author of such illuminating essays as,
Map of the Known World; Periodic Table of Elements; The History of Linguistics; The Errors of Wicca; Dolphins and Evolution; The History of Landover (The Apology); Landover and the Civil War; 2000 Racial Slurs.
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Default Re: How to speak directly to the Lead Pastor - 10-29-2021, 02:59 PM

Pastor Bathfire,

Asking for a friend, would a $100,000 contribution to the Jet fund be regarded as a suitable alternative pathway to being granted an audience with Pastor Zeke?

Phil


58 If thou wilt not observe to do all the words of this law that are written in this book, that thou mayest fear this glorious and fearful name, THE LORD THY GOD; 59 Then the LORD will make thy plagues wonderful, and the plagues of thy seed, even great plagues, and of long continuance, and sore sicknesses, and of long continuance. 60 Moreover he will bring upon thee all the diseases of Egypt, which thou wast afraid of; and they shall cleave unto thee. 61 Also every sickness, and every plague, which is not written in the book of this law, them will the LORD bringk upon thee, until thou be destroyed.


Deuteronomy 28: 58- 61
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Default Re: How to speak directly to the Lead Pastor - 11-06-2021, 03:18 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Phil Ander View Post
Asking for a friend, would a $100,000 contribution to the Jet fund be regarded as a suitable alternative pathway to being granted an audience with Pastor Zeke?
Yes, but you still need to sacrifice the dove.


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Default Re: How to speak directly to the Lead Pastor - 11-06-2021, 04:47 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by WWJDnow View Post
Yes, but you still need to sacrifice the dove.
Thanks. I'll let my friend know.


Phil


58 If thou wilt not observe to do all the words of this law that are written in this book, that thou mayest fear this glorious and fearful name, THE LORD THY GOD; 59 Then the LORD will make thy plagues wonderful, and the plagues of thy seed, even great plagues, and of long continuance, and sore sicknesses, and of long continuance. 60 Moreover he will bring upon thee all the diseases of Egypt, which thou wast afraid of; and they shall cleave unto thee. 61 Also every sickness, and every plague, which is not written in the book of this law, them will the LORD bringk upon thee, until thou be destroyed.


Deuteronomy 28: 58- 61
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Default Re: How to speak directly to the Lead Pastor - 11-07-2021, 08:08 PM

Please remind your friend that a dove is the minimum. A lamb or oxen would be preferable if your friend can afford it. If he cannot, well... one wonders about a friend who can only afford the minimum. Try to find a lamb, that's all I'm saying.

Quote:
Leviticus 5
7And if he be not able to bring a lamb, then he shall bring for his trespass, which he hath committed, two turtledoves, or two young pigeons, unto the LORD; one for a sin offering, and the other for a burnt offering.

11But if he be not able to bring two turtledoves, or two young pigeons, then he that sinned shall bring for his offering the tenth part of an ephah of fine flour for a sin offering; he shall put no oil upon it, neither shall he put any frankincense thereon: for it is a sin offering.


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Default Re: How to speak directly to the Lead Pastor - 11-07-2021, 08:57 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dr. Anthony J. Toole View Post
Please remind your friend that a dove is the minimum. A lamb or oxen would be preferable if your friend can afford it. If he cannot, well... one wonders about a friend who can only afford the minimum. Try to find a lamb, that's all I'm saying.
Lambs are seasonal, of course. In Godless Britain, it is quite difficult to find them until early Spring, though I dare say that if Brother Phil's friend happened to be in the Anti-Podes, an area which God has decreed should be eternally upside-down and back-to-front, it may well be Spring, or tomorrow, or last Tuesday. I honestly don't know how those people cope.

Oxen are of course plural, which is perhaps why a single dove might be preferred?


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