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Default Congregation visit to Freehold postponed due to crime wave - 09-06-2010, 05:25 AM

Brothers and Sisters:

As you are aware, my congregation has been planning a visit to Freehold for some time now. Many of my members are excited about seeing Landover Baptist Church and immersing themselves in a True Christian™ town, if only for a week. We booked 120 hotel rooms in Freehold for the early November visit, and were eager to attend Landover's post-election celebrations (after a Republican majority is elected to Congress).

Many of my local brethren and sistren subscribe to the Freehold Truth and Light. As you know, the recent crime wave is reported in the paper. In the very same issue, they read of the Freehold Man of the Year debacle, in which your duly elected Mayor ran a contest without consulting with Pastors OR praying on the matter, when a proper Christian would have done both.

After service today, several local brothers and sisters cornered me, waving copies of the paper. They said that it seems Freehold is faltering, with violent crime as bad as Detroit. High speed chases through downtown, people being duct taped to posts, vandalism!

They fear for their safety if they come visit, and also are beginning to question the faith of Freehold's leadership. In particular, Mrs. Davies pointed out that "Johny" is a traditional Indian spelling, and she wondered if perhaps Mayor Hold is a Hindu.

I can't say I've ever seen him eat beef on my visits, and he seems to like curries a bit more than is normal for a red-blooded American man.

It is with a heavy heart that I inform you that my Board of Directors has decided to indefinitely postpone the congregation's November visit to Freehold. Fortunately for our congregation, we are within the cancellation window for the 120 hotel rooms and the 75 rental cars.

I'm sorry that my congregation cannot join me on my visit in November. I am also sorry that your recent crime wave and Mayor of questionable faith will cost roughly $250,000 in lost business for the hotels, car rental companies, restaurants, and shops in Freehold.

I should also mention that Mrs. Davies has emailed the news stories to several other congregations that had planned visits to Freehold. I don't know what the fallout might be.


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Default Re: Congregation visit to Freehold postponed due to crime wave - 09-06-2010, 05:55 AM

Rev. Rodimer,

I certainly wish you'd reconsider. You see, this crime spree is being perpetrated by a single individual who is very troubled.

There is a warrant out for his arrest, and even a bounty on his head. (This is the first time there has been a bounty on anybody in Freehold in decades. Unlike the last however, this one has to be brought in alive.)

I will be elected Sheriff in November, and when that happens this town is only going to get safer, cleaner, and Godlier. I discourage you from canceling any plans you had to visit, as by the time you get here, Spring Heeled Jack will be rotting in a jail cell.
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Default Re: Congregation visit to Freehold postponed due to crime wave - 09-06-2010, 04:57 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ofc. Don W. Richards View Post
Rev. Rodimer,

I certainly wish you'd reconsider. You see, this crime spree is being perpetrated by a single individual who is very troubled.

There is a warrant out for his arrest, and even a bounty on his head. (This is the first time there has been a bounty on anybody in Freehold in decades. Unlike the last however, this one has to be brought in alive.)

I will be elected Sheriff in November, and when that happens this town is only going to get safer, cleaner, and Godlier. I discourage you from canceling any plans you had to visit, as by the time you get here, Spring Heeled Jack will be rotting in a jail cell.
I'll be coming, Officer Richards. But the Board has cancelled the congregation's trip.

Even if all the recent violent crime in Freehold can be traced to one man and he can be stopped, there's still the question of whether or not Mayor Hold is, in fact, a closet Hindu.

Is it possible that the True Christians™ of Freehold elected a man to a leadership position without first ensuring that he was, himself, a True Christian™?


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Default Re: Congregation visit to Freehold postponed due to crime wave - 09-06-2010, 05:17 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rev. M. Rodimer View Post

Even if all the recent violent crime in Freehold can be traced to one man and he can be stopped, there's still the question of whether or not Mayor Hold is, in fact, a closet Hindu.
Rev. Rodimer, after reading your post, I rushed down to city hall and barged into the Mayor's office to find out for myself if, indeed, hizzoner is what you fear.

I jumped up on his desk, leaned over, and carefully examined his forehead. I can safely assure you there is absolutely no evidence of a dot.

Here, get out your magnifying glass and verify for yourself.




The Honorable HTannor (Pro NRA, Anti-Homer Marriage), Judge, Freehold Supreme Court

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Default Re: Congregation visit to Freehold postponed due to crime wave - 09-06-2010, 05:21 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by HTannor View Post
Rev. Rodimer, after reading your post, I rushed down to city hall and barged into the Mayor's office to find out for myself if, indeed, hizzoner is what you fear.

I jumped up on his desk, leaned over, and carefully examined his forehead. I can safely assure you there is absolutely no evidence of a dot.

Here, get out your magnifying glass and verify for yourself.


The dot is removable, Brother Tannor. They take it off when they want to pretend they are normal Christian folk.

The lack of a dot is even more evidence that he's a Closet Hindu! Maybe Mrs. Davies was right!


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Default Re: Congregation visit to Freehold postponed due to crime wave - 09-07-2010, 02:44 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rev. M. Rodimer View Post
Brothers and Sisters:

It is with a heavy heart that I inform you that my Board of Directors has decided to indefinitely postpone the congregation's November visit to Freehold.
Rev. Rodimer--We are indeed disappointed that your congregation will not be coming with you to visit Freehold.

On the slim chance that the congregation might change its mind, I hope you will point out to them that Freehold's main law enforcement focus has been on keeping Satan at bay. It may be that this has allowed some of the less harmful traditional troublemakers to visit Freehold, but they, too, will be sent packing as soon as Officier Richards is elected Sheriff.

It is my hope that you will explain their safety from Satan while in Freehold and encourage the congregation to reconsider.


Isaiah 24:1-3 Behold, the LORD maketh the earth empty (2)...as the taker of usury, so with the giver of usury to him. (3) The land shall be utterly emptied, and utterly spoiled: for the LORD hath spoken his word.
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Default Re: Congregation visit to Freehold postponed due to crime wave - 09-07-2010, 03:08 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Johny Joe Hold View Post
Rev. Rodimer--We are indeed disappointed that your congregation will not be coming with you to visit Freehold.

On the slim chance that the congregation might change its mind, I hope you will point out to them that Freehold's main law enforcement focus has been on keeping Satan at bay. It may be that this has allowed some of the less harmful traditional troublemakers to visit Freehold, but they, too, will be sent packing as soon as Officier Richards is elected Sheriff.

It is my hope that you will explain their safety from Satan while in Freehold and encourage the congregation to reconsider.
Not to mention that all the hotels in Freehold have a no refund policy for cancelled reservations.


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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Default Re: Congregation visit to Freehold postponed due to crime wave - 09-07-2010, 04:54 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
Not to mention that all the hotels in Freehold have a no refund policy for cancelled reservations.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rev. M. Rodimer View Post
Fortunately for our congregation, we are within the cancellation window for the 120 hotel rooms and the 75 rental cars.
The Freehold Plaza Suites and the Landoverlook both allow cancellations with at least 30 days' notice.

Mayor Hold, I will see what I can do about getting them to change their minds, but it doesn't look good. Oh, and Mrs. Davies asked me to tell you she says "Namaste". Does that mean anything to you?


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Default Re: Congregation visit to Freehold postponed due to crime wave - 09-07-2010, 01:05 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rev. M. Rodimer View Post

Mayor Hold, Mrs. Davies asked me to tell you she says "Namaste". Does that mean anything to you?
Funny you should ask. One of my hobbies is linguistics.

The word namaste has the same root as the English word "Name". But, namaste is Spanish--the Spanish word for name.

One would say, "?Oue esta su namaste?"

Please pass along my warmest greetings to Mrs. Davies.


Isaiah 24:1-3 Behold, the LORD maketh the earth empty (2)...as the taker of usury, so with the giver of usury to him. (3) The land shall be utterly emptied, and utterly spoiled: for the LORD hath spoken his word.
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Default Re: Congregation visit to Freehold postponed due to crime wave - 09-07-2010, 04:00 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rev. M. Rodimer View Post
The dot is removable, Brother Tannor. They take it off when they want to pretend they are normal Christian folk.

The lack of a dot is even more evidence that he's a Closet Hindu! Maybe Mrs. Davies was right!
Rev,

Pastor Zeke himself has certified Mayor Hold is 100% NOT Hindu. This is just base speculation like those stories of people sexually abusing bears in their basements or keeping kidnapped girls up in their attics. People are just taking things like the phrase "I will go down on him" out of context and thinking it is something dirty.



Time to reclaim our FREEDOM from the “Mullah in Chief” and his growing activist voter hoards of socialists, communists, anti-Semites, anti-Christians, atheists, radical gays and lesbians, feminists, illegal immigrants, Muslims, anti-Anglo whites and others.

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Default Re: Congregation visit to Freehold postponed due to crime wave - 09-07-2010, 05:42 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Johny Joe Hold View Post
Funny you should ask. One of my hobbies is linguistics.

The word namaste has the same root as the English word "Name". But, namaste is Spanish--the Spanish word for name.

One would say, "?Oue esta su namaste?"

Please pass along my warmest greetings to Mrs. Davies.
Mrs. Davies would like to thank you for your interesting linguistics lesson. She was under the impression that "nombre" is Spanish for "name", as is her housekeeper Juanita.

Of course, Mrs. Davies points out that Juanita is surely not as well educated as a "Sudra aspiring to be Kshatriya" like yourself! (I don't know what that means, I hope it's complimentary. My Spanish is generally limited to "nachos grande" or "burrito, por favor". I'm sure it means "aspiring to serve Jesus in Heaven".)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bobby-Joe View Post
Rev,

Pastor Zeke himself has certified Mayor Hold is 100% NOT Hindu. This is just base speculation like those stories of people sexually abusing bears in their basements or keeping kidnapped girls up in their attics. People are just taking things like the phrase "I will go down on him" out of context and thinking it is something dirty.
Um, yes, that would be . . . er . . . of course, right!






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Default Re: Congregation visit to Freehold postponed due to crime wave - 09-07-2010, 06:26 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rev. M. Rodimer View Post
Mrs. Davies would like to thank you for your interesting linguistics lesson. She was under the impression that "nombre" is Spanish for "name", as is her housekeeper Juanita.
Actually, either "nombre" or "namaste" can be used for our word "name".


Isaiah 24:1-3 Behold, the LORD maketh the earth empty (2)...as the taker of usury, so with the giver of usury to him. (3) The land shall be utterly emptied, and utterly spoiled: for the LORD hath spoken his word.
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Default Re: Congregation visit to Freehold postponed due to crime wave - 09-07-2010, 06:30 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rev. M. Rodimer View Post
Um, yes, that would be . . . er . . . of course, right!




Exactly Revered. This is just being like that husband who threatened to bet up Revered Osborn because she told him that Osborn "sucked Satan right out of her". Figure of speech, nothing more.



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Default Re: Congregation visit to Freehold postponed due to crime wave - 09-07-2010, 06:42 PM

@Rev. M. Rodimer I am sure Johny Joe Hold loves Jesus and I have seen him eat beef at my grandfathers several times!


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Default Re: Congregation visit to Freehold postponed due to crime wave - 09-07-2010, 07:06 PM

Mayor JJ.
There is a quick, tried and true way to put these rumors to bed once and for all, ''kill a cow for Christ''. Any reason is a good reason to put a medium sized bovine on a spit and have a BBQ.


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Proverbs 30:5,6: Every word of God is pure: he is a shield unto them that put their trust in him.
Add thou not unto his words, lest he reprove thee, and thou be found a liar.

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Default Re: Congregation visit to Freehold postponed due to crime wave - 09-07-2010, 09:15 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Felicity View Post
@Rev. M. Rodimer I am sure Johny Joe Hold loves Jesus and I have seen him eat beef at my grandfathers several times!
I'm glad to hear that Mayor Hold has been seen gnawing on your grandfather's beef, Felicity. But are you sure he wasn't getting some pork instead?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Benedict A. Davis View Post
Mayor JJ.
There is a quick, tried and true way to put these rumors to bed once and for all, ''kill a cow for Christ''. Any reason is a good reason to put a medium sized bovine on a spit and have a BBQ.
What a wonderful idea! He could slaughter it himself on video, or even better on a live camera feed that my whole congregation can watch as it happens!


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Bobby-Joe Bobby-Joe is offline
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Default Re: Congregation visit to Freehold postponed due to crime wave - 09-07-2010, 09:38 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rev. M. Rodimer View Post
What a wonderful idea! He could slaughter it himself on video, or even better on a live camera feed that my whole congregation can watch as it happens!
That is a good idea. The annual 9-11 celebration would be a great time for the Mayor to have a BBQ.



Time to reclaim our FREEDOM from the “Mullah in Chief” and his growing activist voter hoards of socialists, communists, anti-Semites, anti-Christians, atheists, radical gays and lesbians, feminists, illegal immigrants, Muslims, anti-Anglo whites and others.

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Default Re: Congregation visit to Freehold postponed due to crime wave - 09-07-2010, 09:43 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bobby-Joe View Post
That is a good idea. The annual 9-11 celebration would be a great time for the Mayor to have a BBQ.
Yes, my congregation will already be getting together to watch the live video feed of Dove World Outreach's Koran BBQ. We'll just set up two screens, so they can watch the slaughter on one screen and the fire on the other.

Saturday will be a glorious day. The kids will eat this up, seeing Korans burn AND learning where those steaks come from.

I suggest he shoot the cow in the head. A fast, clean kill, and then your meat isn't all full of adrenaline. Makes it tough.

Then hoist it by the hind legs with a bucket loader or some such, so Mayor Hold can slit its throat to bleed it out before he skins it.


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