[Pastor Ezekiel]

TAKE BACK YOUR SECULAR SCHOOL IN THE NAME OF JESUS!

It's that time of the year again! True Christian® young people who don't have enough money to attend Landover Baptist Academy for the Truly Saved will be storming secular schools across the Nation! Here are some great tips for fighting Satan on his own turf and claiming your school in the name of Jesus!

Wear the Full Armor of Christ!

No True Christian® student is complete or whole without being modestly dressed and groomed. A collared shirt and tie for the boys and a skirt (covering the knees) and a thick, sturdy blouse for the girls. Remember gals: the Lord told you to show your faith, not your bosom. Your Godly appearance should be capped off with a large black leather bound Bible (1611 KJV). Carry this in your right hand. Do NOT put the Bible in your backpack, and do NOT EVER put it on the floor or under your desk. If you get picked on by an unsaved bully, whack him across the noggin with your Bible and yell, "DEMON OUT! I plead the power of the blood of JESUS over my life!"

Stand up For Jesus and Testify!

In the Library: As any truly saved person will tell you, the only book any educated person needs to read is their Bible. Therefore, you should regard with great suspicion any of the many extraneous other books that have been written since. You will find that your school library is little more than a landfill for rancid secular trash. Pornographic ideas and sights lurk behind almost every binding. For example, "Gray's Anatomy" is little more than a dirty little excuse to ogle body parts too crude to mention in something ladies might be reading. This book purports to show the inside of the human body, but not one single peel-away transparent layer is devoted to the most important thing in everyone – their soul. This omission is nothing short of Christ-hating propaganda. If your school library has pictures of naked statues in any of the books, do the right thing and use a large-tipped black marker to cover the offending images, or, better yet, rip the pages out completely (your Daddy's old fashion razor works nicely!). Many schools have large, leather bound books containing so-called "Greek art"-- these are full of smut. Check these books out, using another student's name, and burn them. Do the same with books mentioning in any way the other (false) non-Baptist religions, attempting to teach demonic tongues like Spanish or French, and books that lie and say anything positive about democrats, homosexuals and unions. Likewise, destroy all books containing negative information on Richard Nixon or any republican. In many cases you can simply rip out the insides of the book and glue a Bible in its place.

In the Computer Lab: At your first opportunity, load the "Jesus is Lord" worm onto your school system's server. This spiritual software will deny access to all who do not confess Jesus as their Lord and Savior. The Internet is full of unmonitored ideas, making it an unacceptable place for True Christians. You must do your part to get Internet access shut down from your school so that children are not exposed to dangerous ideas that may cause them to question their faith or George W. Bush. Download pornographic photos (without actually looking at the images – Jesus knows), print them out and give them to your Mommy when you get home. These disgusting images will help her Christian fight at the PTA to get computers shut down in your school system. Download gruesome pictures of abortion victims (make sure the images are from abortions performed in the third trimester or later--otherwise they'll just look like a bunch of cells or a tadpole). Print out these images and place them in other students' lunch bags. Also, do research on the Internet to find out If any student in your school lives with only one parent. Confront the student in a public place and tell them that their mother is a godless whore who will burn in Hell. If any student claims to have "two mommies," be sure to tell them their lesbian mothers will burn in Hell. This works especially well with younger elementary school students.

In the Cafeteria: Whenever you are in the school cafeteria sit in a very conspicuous place, alone or with other True Christians®. Before you begin to eat, announce to your classmates that you are about to begin your meal with public prayer. Pray LOUDLY and CLEARLY so that everyone can hear you. End your prayer by thanking God that you are not like the publicans and sinners around you who are caught up in human pride and only want to be noticed by other people.

In Biology Class: If your biology teacher ever says the word, "evolution," stand up and scream, "LIAR!" at the top of your lungs. Slam your bible down on your desk and walk out of the class. Make sure to SLAM the door behind you. If the glass in the door breaks, it will even give a better effect, and nobody present will ever forget the stand you made for Jesus.

Homos in the Hallways!

The only recruiters in this world more pervasive than Jehovah's Witnesses are homosexuals. Watch for 50-year-old effeminate men, dressed as little boys, wearing shorts and beanie caps, trying to pass themselves off as students in your math class. You will know them by their hair-plugs and lascivious wink. They are only there for one reason – and, frankly, we are too Christian to talk about it. Report these prowling perverts to your teacher immediately! Identify any other students who may have decided to be a homosexual in your school. Some good indications of homosexuality are: shyness, unwillingness to undress in front of others or eagerness to undress in front of others; lisping; talking like black women; walking abnormally (prancing, skipping, slumping, limping, using crutches or a wheelchair); wearing clothes that are too loose or too tight, wearing pants so loose they are hanging like some kind of colored "rapper"; carrying books in a manner unbefitting their sex; being too fat or too thin, too short or too tall; or anyone who just makes you feel "funny." As Christians, we can trust our feelings--not through "instinct," but because Jesus lives inside us, and he can spot a homo a mile away!

Make a list, including home address and phone numbers if possible. Make several copies for your pastor, who will then call all these homosexuals' parents and make sure they know that their child is going to burn in hell. Your pastor will also counsel the parents, giving them a list of Christian reparation ministries, and will have the local newspaper publish the names of all who refuse.

Be sure to distribute the list of potential homosexual students to the football team by leaving copies in all the gym lockers. Ask your Christian friends to help distribute the list to everyone in school, and ask the principal to read the list over the intercom. If he refuses, he is persecuting you for your religion, and may be a homosexual himself. Report him to the Christian Coalition and your local Republican Party representative.

Replace the School Spirit With the Holy Spirit

At football or basketball games, don't forget that an opportunity to show school spirit is also a chance to advertise your true faith. When playing the Cougars, try a banner that says: "Jesus Hates the Cougars!" When playing St. Vincent's Boys School, try a handheld sigh that says: "Mary Worshipers are deceived pedophiles!"

Demand that the school offer trophies to honor the school's Best Christian, then make sure your friends are in charge of counting the votes. True Christians® like Katherine Harris swear by this method.

Prom season is little more than a fancy excuse to remove the underpants of the opposite sex. Arrange a boycott. Remind your little classmates that you don't need a Prom King; you already have the King of Kings. If your boycott does not work, you then must, of course, simply ruin the sinful occasion for those so seeped in sin they attend. In ruining their prom, you will be saving their souls. Do anything to stop them from placing their hands on each other. Snip loudspeaker wires used to carry suggestive Negro music, tip over spiked punch bowels, "sweeten" the gas tanks of rented limos, call the fire department if things are getting "too hot." Bring stink bombs and Bible tracts to the coronation then stand outside the exit door and tell everyone the Good News as they exit. Exercise those lungs--say it loud! Convert some of the bigger boys on the football team to Jesus and have them make sure no one interferes with your impromptu church service or tries to escape from hearing the Word.

Ask your Principal to read Bible verses over the intercom at least five times per day. If he refuses, he's violating your rights and persecuting Christians. Turn him in.

Identify Wiccans, Muslims, Catholics, Buddhists, Mormons and other Satan worshipping students at your school. Offer them each 50%-off Bible coupons from your local Christian bookstore. If they refuse the coupon then bring some stink perfume to school the next day and pour it into their lockers or, if possible, pour it on their clothes during the jostle of changing classes, when the halls are packed. Then, when they are ostracized by the other children, hold your nose and tell them all about Jesus. If they refuse to repent, bring a small container of paint, motor oil, vomit or dog feces and repeat the process, and organize your friends to flatten their tires or T-P their house until they beg for salvation.

[Justina Thyme]

Pastor, I can only express my thanks and admiration to you for this excellent guide for our children who, after all, are our future. Here's to Jesus our LORD and a happy, Godly new schoo year!

[Glendora Christianson]

What a wonderful post, Pastor Zeke. I know this should go without saying, but with young kids, you need to be clear...

Beware of Younglife and Younglife.org many of our innocent Baptist students are lured in by these false-Christian John 3:16ers. I have even seen them use their own female members are Jezebels to lure in young men. Remember these Younglife hussies are after your soul!

While it might be handy for a True Christian student to commandeer a few Younglife members to rough up a homer or Goth, remember they are not suitable as True Christian schoolmates. Perhaps True Christians should decorate their lockers with pictures of LBC friends?