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Default How to cook for ones self - 08-10-2008, 04:21 PM

I know this isn't really "school" any more, being University and all, but is there any advice you can give me for cooking for myself in my house next year? I spent all last year in a hall of residence and mainly ate take away Chinese food.
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Default Re: How to cook for ones self - 08-10-2008, 05:07 PM

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Originally Posted by Unfalsifiable View Post
I know this isn't really "school" any more, being University and all, but is there any advice you can give me for cooking for myself in my house next year? I spent all last year in a hall of residence and mainly ate take away Chinese food.
Shouldn't you be getting married so your woman will do your cooking for you?
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Default Re: How to cook for ones self - 08-10-2008, 05:10 PM

Don't listen, Falso. He is trying to seduce you!


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Default Re: How to cook for ones self - 08-10-2008, 05:18 PM

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Originally Posted by Tallywacker Hater View Post
Shouldn't you be getting married so your woman will do your cooking for you?
No:
1 Corinthians 7


1Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman.

---------

7For I would that all men were even as I myself. But every man hath his proper gift of God, one after this manner, and another after that.
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Default Re: How to cook for ones self - 08-10-2008, 05:23 PM

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Originally Posted by Unfalsifiable View Post
No:
1 Corinthians 7


1Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman.

---------

7For I would that all men were even as I myself. But every man hath his proper gift of God, one after this manner, and another after that.
I didn't say you had to touch her! Just get her to cook for you!

Now, if you want to get into details, I can tell you how she can make little Soldiers for Christ with you without the two of you touching, but the discussion would probably get pretty graphic and I don't know if some of the people here would want to hear that talk.
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Default Re: How to cook for ones self - 08-10-2008, 05:25 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tallywacker Hater View Post
I didn't say you had to touch her! Just get her to cook for you!

Now, if you want to get into details, I can tell you how she can make little Soldiers for Christ with you without the two of you touching, but the discussion would probably get pretty graphic and I don't know if some of the people here would want to hear that talk.
But you'd have to touch by proxy, and to touch by proxy is to spit at Paul, you might as well get married.
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Default Re: How to cook for ones self - 08-10-2008, 05:54 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Unfalsifiable View Post
I know this isn't really "school" any more, being University and all, but is there any advice you can give me for cooking for myself in my house next year? I spent all last year in a hall of residence and mainly ate take away Chinese food.
As it appears you have no servants, chef, the pastry cook, wine cellar or your sommelier, you need to think an approach that is advantageous in terms of quality, quantity and convenience.

You calculate how many meals you will need in your first term. Having decided on a figure of, say, 100, then, at the start of term, you throw a feast for 200. You sell 150 tickets and invite, for free, 50 others. Yes, there’s some work and initial expense involved and you also need to have a band and much drink but bear with me.

The paying guests should cover the cost of all expenses; the invited guests are there for another reason so be solicitous to them during the evening. Once the feast is over, you announce that you will now be visiting each and every one of the invited guests for a meal – twice… (I do not need to tell you that the topic of conversation at each of the meals will be Jesus.)

Thus, you appear to be a star, your costs have been covered, you build up contacts, you keep in touch with them and you get fed for an entire year, it has cost you nothing and there is no washing up.

Repeat each term, your fame as a host will precede you and each term will be more successful than the last.


If during any term you find a fine Christian woman who will not only cook, clean and fix ridge tiles on days when ennui sets in or there is inclement weather, take advantage here and repay her by inviting her to each of the free meals you will receive.





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Default Re: How to cook for ones self - 08-10-2008, 07:25 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Unfalsifiable View Post
I know this isn't really "school" any more, being University and all, but is there any advice you can give me for cooking for myself in my house next year? I spent all last year in a hall of residence and mainly ate take away Chinese food.

If you aren't familiar with how to operate a stove, you can always buy bread, cold meats and cheeses and make sandwiches for yourself.


Now that Obama has won the election there will be big black cock for every white woman!!!
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Default Re: How to cook for ones self - 08-10-2008, 07:59 PM

You could go prophetic on the school's ass and suck honey from the rock, and oil from the flinty rock. But that probably requires you to quit university and live in a desert.

Step 1: Go a thrift store. Buy a pot large enough to cook soup in. Buy a smaller saucepan for ancillary cookage. Buy a skillet large enough for stir-fry. Buy a soup ladle, a spatula, a sheep's chine, a chef's knife, a paring knife, and an ephod's codpiece. (For wrapping fish-and-pud.)

Step 2: Find a store that has cheap food. Look for signs like "Overstocks" and "Used Food" and "Stuff Nobody Else Will Buy" and "Water Damaged Goods" and "Nearly Edible".

Final Step: Buy the food and cook it.

Instant rice works fine for stir-fry. Just cook the rice (as per simple instructions on the box), pour off the water, and then dump it in the skillet along with stuff of your choice: shrimp, chopped cabbage, sprouts, squid testicles, celery, chicken, soy sauce, water chestnuts, kohlrabi, limestone, Turks, whatever. Pancake mix is almost fool-proof, you just add water until it looks right and then blop some into a hot greased skillet. Turn the pancake over when Jesus says to. Lobster thermidor is not as hard to make as it sounds, especially with a miracle from the Lord. Soup (carrots, onions, green beans, potatoes, black pepper, oregano, sage, beef bouillon, etc) is easy to make and it freezes well in those small cheap containers you can get at the Dollar Store. Thicken it thusly: Cook the vegetables until they are soft, then take a dollop of margarine or cooking oil in a small bowl and stir a couple of spoonsful of flour into it. Then -- with the soup bubbling hot -- stir the flour mixture into it. It should thicken nicely in about 3 minutes; then turn off the heat to keep from scorching it. Spaghetti is easy: make a batch of sauce by dumping cans of stewed tomatoes, tomato sauce, mushrooms, ground gerbils, Italian seasoning, garlic, okra (NOT REALLY!), minced onions, tree limbs, manna, and anything else handy into a big pot and simmering it. Cook just enough noodles for one meal, and freeze the rest of the sauce.

Don't forget anti-oxidants, fiber, and omega-3 oils! They help you pick up girls. Fresh beets are cheap and nutritious, but remember that when you poo after eating a bunch it will look like the toilet bowl is full of blood. Shock your friends! The prophet Zephaniah freaked out the first time that happened to him. Fresh spinach is good salad and sandwich greens, and often cheap, especially if tainted with E. coli. Snapper is a wonderful fish simply fried in a skillet in oil, garlic, black pepper, and salt; and even the humble farmed tilapia is good that way. Canned sardines and herring are rich in omega-3 oils, and the smell will drive away the squeamish. You don't want squeamish friends. Remember the parable of the loaves and the fishes -- Christ had no time for those put off by the smell of seafood. For fiber, swallow whole heads of cabbage, burlap sacks, bean soup, oatmeal, and theology professors. Red wine in moderation is good (take a little for thy infirmities, said Paul).

Some foods have no nutritional value. Summer squash, for one instance; plaster of Paris and Paris when plastered for two more. Eschew zucchini unless you are on a diet. You will die of malnutrition on a diet of cucumbers. Iceberg lettuce is useless. Red delicious apples are not much good.

IMPORTANT: wash your damned dishes right away after cooking. If you don't Jesus will think you are slothful (a mortal sin) and besides that the next time you need to cook you will have to wash the dishes first. And that ends with yet another trip to Lung Rot's Chinee Buffet and Nude Takout. You don't want to end up in the hospital with an MSG overdose again, do you? And the dishes will still be dirty when you get back.

Anyway. It's a long time since I was at college. Good luck with that.

~~ OEJ
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Default Re: How to cook for ones self - 08-10-2008, 09:29 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by tidal wave of warm spit View Post
If you aren't familiar with how to operate a stove, you can always buy bread, cold meats and cheeses and make sandwiches for yourself.
Dear Lord, a lifetime of sandwiches? It would be like a lifetime of listening to you drivel on!





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Default Re: How to cook for ones self - 08-10-2008, 10:38 PM

Thank you Zeke and OEJ for your Godly advice . Needless to say this page is "favorated" for later reference in my web browser (isn't that how you spell it, no U?).

Now I just need to find where they might sell manna...
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Default Re: How to cook for ones self - 08-11-2008, 01:54 AM

Have you tried using the subscription feature in your user control panel?


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Default Re: How to cook for ones self - 08-11-2008, 01:56 AM

I have no idea what you're talking about. I've never even cut an apple in my life.

Cooking is for women and servants.


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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Default Re: How to cook for ones self - 08-11-2008, 04:16 AM

It's really a shame that our young friend doesn't go to the cafeteria. Aside from the custodial staff, food service workers tend to be some of the most heterosexual, good Christian types one can find in state run schools.
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Default Re: How to cook for ones self - 08-11-2008, 05:09 AM

Lots of American type pasta.


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Default Re: How to cook for ones self - 08-11-2008, 04:19 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Glendora Christianson View Post
It's really a shame that our young friend doesn't go to the cafeteria. Aside from the custodial staff, food service workers tend to be some of the most heterosexual, good Christian types one can find in state run schools.
Has that tramp bejeweled her ears? Thanks, but I prefer modesty and good works, despite the stirring in my loins.
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Default Re: How to cook for ones self - 08-13-2008, 02:47 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
I have no idea what you're talking about. I've never even cut an apple in my life.

Cooking is for women and servants.

That's a shame Pastor, because you clearly have a nack for it:

Quote:
Originally Posted by BibleThumpinBlonde View Post
Twasn't me. However, I whole heartedly admit that I deserved the spanking Pastor Zeke gave me the other night for burning his perfectly good steak. He kept telline me I kept it on too long! I just kept saying 2 more minutes.
Perhaps we lost the world's best chef in you, luckily thanks to that we gained one of the world's best pastors! So absolutely no harm done.
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Default Re: How to cook for ones self - 08-13-2008, 09:53 AM

I'll bet you're taking welfare like most of THESE students.

I don't know why you go to seccular school at all.


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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Default Re: How to cook for ones self - 08-13-2008, 02:53 PM

I don't think you can do that here...
 

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