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Reload this Page Greetings from the Thomas Road Baptist Church!
The introduction forum Attention Unsaved Trash: This the ONLY subforum you can start threads in. Here is where you introduce yourself. Tell us what church you go to and what your favorite Bible verse is and how you came to find Jesus.

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Default Greetings from the Thomas Road Baptist Church! - 10-11-2019, 08:56 PM

Hello everyone. I have viewed these forums from the shadows and became immediately interested in signing up soon after reading that your Pastor Ezekiel is looking into buying a jet to spread the gospel of The KJV Bible. From the day I was conceived, I have been a Christian. I found Jesus the very first day I was brought to the good church I was attending. Currently I attend the Thomas Road Baptist Church in Lynchburg Virginia. I help manage the tithes of the church alongside my colleagues. Rest assured, even though I am an accountant, I am 100 percent not Jewish. I have several famous clients who I can’t identify for confidentiality reasons but most if not all spread the idea of prosperity theology.

I see that I am required to select a favorite bible verse. This isn’t easy as I love all of The Bible. I will go ahead and give one of my top five for you all. Philippians 4:19 But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus.

I chose this verse because every sermon I attend at my local church has this squeezed into it. It’s also very important in convincing the good men and women to go above and beyond in their tithes so they can help my clients further spread the word of Jesus Christ. Amen.
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Default Re: Greetings from the Thomas Road Baptist Church! - 10-11-2019, 10:30 PM

Welcome, Mr. Miller! It warms my heart to see someone actually following the instructions instead of just posting about how excited they are to be here. Tell us, how many Soldiers for Christ have you sired?


And thou shalt love the LORD thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might.
Deuteronomy 6.5
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Default Re: Greetings from the Thomas Road Baptist Church! - 10-11-2019, 11:07 PM

Hello, Mr. Miller, and to . We are pleased that you have found your way to , and we look forward to fellowship and studying the with you.
Goodness, you're from a rather famous church, aren't you? I'm sure most people have heard of your founding pastor and of his influence and ministry. Have you been employed at the church for long? Not that I'm being nosy or anything of the sort, but I'm just wondering if Mrs. Miller and your children are actively involved in the church, as well.

You will find that we take our commitment to serving the very seriously here. We do not mince our words. We do not cherry-pick favorite bits from the whilst ignoring the parts that make most people rather uncomfortable, such as this:

Mark 9:43-48:
43 And if thy hand offend thee, cut it off: it is better for thee to enter into life maimed, than having two hands to go into hell, into the fire that never shall be quenched:
44 Where their worm dieth not, and the fire is not quenched.
45 And if thy foot offend thee, cut it off: it is better for thee to enter halt into life, than having two feet to be cast into hell, into the fire that never shall be quenched:
46 Where their worm dieth not, and the fire is not quenched.
47 And if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out: it is better for thee to enter into the kingdom of God with one eye, than having two eyes to be cast into hell fire:
48 Where their worm dieth not, and the fire is not quenched.

We look forward to getting to know, Mr. Miller. I have no doubt that our Department of Faith is actively working on their very thorough investigation concerning you, at this very moment.

Sincerely, Isabella W.



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Default Re: Greetings from the Thomas Road Baptist Church! - 10-11-2019, 11:09 PM

I unfortunately have no soldiers of Christ yet. I am a busy man working for The Lord in other ways servicing high profile televangelists. Ecclesiastes 3:13 And also that every man should eat and drink, and enjoy the good of all his labour, it is the gift of God. To achieve the level of work I have done so far, I have had to put making a family on hold. Don’t get me wrong though. I intend to follow Proverbs 22:6 when the time comes to raise young children of my own for Jesus. Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.
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Default Re: Greetings from the Thomas Road Baptist Church! - 10-11-2019, 11:13 PM

Hello and to our friendly forum, dear! That was a very well composed introduction - I am certainly looking forward to reading more of your posts!
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Default Re: Greetings from the Thomas Road Baptist Church! - 10-12-2019, 12:12 AM

Welcome--we could use some accounting help in Landover Baptist Church Finance Department. Our current effort is to use new accounting software to track our members' tithes.


Isaiah 24:1-3 Behold, the LORD maketh the earth empty (2)...as the taker of usury, so with the giver of usury to him. (3) The land shall be utterly emptied, and utterly spoiled: for the LORD hath spoken his word.
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Default Re: Greetings from the Thomas Road Baptist Church! - 10-12-2019, 12:12 AM

Much appreciated Basilissa. By any chance, is Landover Baptist Church in need of help turning a higher profit so that the church as a whole can expand itself to reach farther masses of Christians? Are any members of your congregation behind on contractual tithing agreements? I can help with that. I can negotiate Pastor Ezekiel a spot on TBN. Jan Crouch’s television slot has been vacant since she died of a stroke three years ago. I’m more than happy to help out if it means fulfilling the duty of letting everyone know about being a good Christian. After all, the USA is founded upon CHRISTIAN VALUES.
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Jesus Re: Greetings from the Thomas Road Baptist Church! - 10-12-2019, 01:09 AM

Welcome Mr. Miller. I am surprised I do not know you, seeing I live up Rt. 29 a bit near Walton's Mountains and Charlottesville (that place is chock full of hippies and racially motivated people). Lynchburg is so sensible, not having liquor stores and all bars stopping serving alcoholic beverages at 9 PM, ensure people get home safe.


Isaiah 45:7 I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the LORD do all these things.
Amos 3:6 Shall a trumpet be blown in the city, and the people not be afraid? shall there be evil in a city, and the LORD hath not done it?
Numbers 21:6 And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died.
Matthew 10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
Matthew 10:35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
Matthew 10:36 And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.
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Default Re: Greetings from the Thomas Road Baptist Church! - 10-12-2019, 01:13 AM

It’s actually a pretty sensible long term business incentive to not serve alcohol in stores on Sunday and to have cut off times at 9 PM. Less accidents equals less liability for the good Christian business owners in Lynchburg. Petty liberal hippies down at Liberty University cry about being suppressed when this occurs. The irony deepens when they try to suppress good Christian values brought to the land by a certain client of mine who I won’t reveal due to slanderous comments affecting his properties.
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Default Re: Greetings from the Thomas Road Baptist Church! - 10-12-2019, 01:57 AM

Hello, and welcome! You remind me of poor Ohio Representative Wes Goodman. A good, conservative Christian man who's life was ruined by fake news. Are you by chance related to him?


Psalm 62:5-7 KJV
My soul, wait thou only upon God; for my expectation is from him. He only is my rock and my salvation: he is my defence;
I shall not be moved. In God is my salvation and my glory: the rock of my strength, and my refuge, is in God.
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Default Re: Greetings from the Thomas Road Baptist Church! - 10-12-2019, 02:32 AM

I refuse to comment on that. I will say though that Wes Goodman is an excellent Republican who served on the 87th district. He was forced to resign after several fake news articles circulated that he had extra-marital homosexual affairs. Any questions about that can be directed to his lawyer. Be forewarned that I have heard talk that slanderous comments about him are dealt with swiftly with civil suits. I wouldn’t know though as I am not him. He’s a good guy though from what I know about him. I know that I do look a lot like him but I assure you I am Benson Miller. Good Republican accountant/hedge fund manager residing in Lynchburg Virginia and 100 percent straight (even if I am not married yet).
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Default Re: Greetings from the Thomas Road Baptist Church! - 10-12-2019, 03:13 AM

Welcome to God's favorite forum. Too bad you look a bit retarded based on your face. You've gotta learn some effectual prayers to get rid of that. Maybe we can consider your applications in the thereafter. Do you beget? Do you have a Swedish bank account?

If you'd like to find out more about Landover Baptist Church, please read THIS thread created especially for new posters.

If you have a question, use the "search" function before posting it. Most likely it is being discussed somewhere on this Godly forum. Please don't waste God's precious bandwidth.

You will keep a respectful tongue in your head whenever addressing your betters, which includes all True Christians™. Failure to do so, or any attempt at inciting debate or mockery of God's Divine Plan, can and will result in the suspension of your posting privileges.

Your rights on this forum are listed HERE. If you feel that any of these rights have been violated, please don't hesitate to contact a Pastor at once.


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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Default Re: Greetings from the Thomas Road Baptist Church! - 10-12-2019, 01:10 PM

Hello and welcome to the forum. It is wonderful to actually meet Jesus and to have Him as a friend moment by moment. Sinners don't understand that relationship and often laugh at us. Before that however I was a dreadful heathen although I didn't know it at the time having attended a Methodist Sunday School before abandoning the Christ I didn't even know. He knew me of course but the freewill He allows us took me to the gutter. Not literally, jet aircraft saw to that, but in the opinions I formed for myself based on a very unreliable source. Satan.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Benson Miller View Post
From the day I was conceived, I have been a Christian. I found Jesus the very first day I was brought to the good church I was attending.
One thing I'm having trouble understanding is what happened in between your conception and your finding Jesus? I know that God couldn't just make Eve pregnant and kill that baby to assuage the fire of sin because the acceptable sacrifice was to come from David's line and David had not been born yet even if he existed as an atom in Adam's loins Hebrews 7:9-10 notwithstanding which he felt the need to reflect upon his own conception Psalm 51:5 which was far from ideal.

This is confusing me. At what point did you meet Jesus? Thank you for considering my question.
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Default Re: Greetings from the Thomas Road Baptist Church! - 10-12-2019, 01:56 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Benson Miller View Post
From the day I was conceived, I have been a Christian.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MitzaLizalor View Post
One thing I'm having trouble understanding is what happened in between your conception and your finding Jesus? At what point did you meet Jesus?
Hello, Mr. Miller: Our dear sister MitzaLizalor raises a very valid point here, and it's one that I, too, found to be peculiar when I had first read your introductory message earlier. What with one thing and another, I failed to voice my concern regarding this during my first message to you.

Perhaps you can clarify: what, exactly, do you mean by, "from the day I was conceived, I have been a Christian"? Are you suggesting that you were born sinless? If so, I might remind you that we, the servants of the here at , know what our blessed says about such things:

Romans 3:23 "For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God"

Or, are you suggesting that on the very day on which you were born, you confessed your sins and received the as ?

Romans 10:9 "That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved."

I do so hope that you can provide a satisfactory explanation for your outrageous claim.

Sincerely, Isabella W.



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Default Re: Greetings from the Thomas Road Baptist Church! - 10-12-2019, 07:17 PM

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Originally Posted by Benson Miller View Post
Much appreciated Basilissa. By any chance, is Landover Baptist Church in need of help turning a higher profit so that the church as a whole can expand itself to reach farther masses of Christians? Are any members of your congregation behind on contractual tithing agreements? I can help with that. I can negotiate Pastor Ezekiel a spot on TBN. Jan Crouch’s television slot has been vacant since she died of a stroke three years ago. I’m more than happy to help out if it means fulfilling the duty of letting everyone know about being a good Christian. After all, the USA is founded upon CHRISTIAN VALUES.
We appreciate your enthusiasm, dear. However, you must understand that our Pastor Zeke does not socialize just with anyone - so you will need a lot of vetting before we allow you anywhere near him. He is, after all, the spiritual advisor to none else but our beloved President, Donald J. Trump (). Hence, although a lot of people want to socialize with Pastor Zeke, only a few are chosen (Matthew 22:14).

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One thing I'm having trouble understanding is what happened in between your conception and your finding Jesus?
That is an excellent question and I think we all would like to know the answer to it.
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Default Re: Greetings from the Thomas Road Baptist Church! - 10-13-2019, 12:52 AM

Finding Jesus? I would have to say what really drew me to Jesus and Christianity overall was with how my parents raised me. I lived in a very strict household right down to inspections for my Sunday clothes. The anger heard from my pastor Jerry Falwell Sr made me believe how powerful Jesus and God really are. These sermons were unavoidable. If any of us were sick in my family we’d be sure to catch what’s going on by watching from tv. Seeing him preach was an experience I can’t even describe in words. I knew nothing else growing up. I knew to avoid sin, homers, and anything else demonic. I’m not expecting to get close with your Pastor. I am merely here because I see opportunity. I’m willing to pass on my resume to the appropriate address if needed.

PS: I’m able to find out where missing funds wonder off to. For example, if funds meant for a Pastor’s expense were to wonder into a commmittee member’s pocket or mortgage.
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Default Re: Greetings from the Thomas Road Baptist Church! - 10-13-2019, 03:16 AM

Thank you for replying. But how would you tell the difference between someone really drawn to Zoroastianism overall (or the Shinto or Báb worship) due to how their parents raised them?

They equally believe how powerful the magic fires (or their ancestors or the Báb) really are. The sermons (or rituals or window dressing of ridiculous claims as the case may be) were unavoidable for them, too. Lacking any certain means of healing, orientals probably develop ill health but there's sure to be fireworks (which they invented) for watching from the sickbed and no doubt an experience they couldn't describe in words. Especially if you didn't know what gunpowder was. They'd known nothing else growing up and almost certainly misidentified demons.

It's perhaps a small point but a significant one: how did you identify it was Jesus you were drawn to?
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Default Re: Greetings from the Thomas Road Baptist Church! - 10-13-2019, 10:36 AM

It felt right. Everything The Bible tells me is wrong, I found personally disgusting. Two men kissing each other? Makes me want to vomit profusely. I’ve looked into what other religions believe in. Not for self interest but for research to provide to a certain televangelist I work for. Muslims can’t eat pork. Well why the hell not?! It’s delicious and you’d have to be insane and a towel-head to find it gross. Hinduism’s believe in multiple gods which we all know to be unfathomable and would lead to internal conflict if that were true. Perhaps the most compelling argument I can make for Christianity to be the right religion is the fact that The Bible exists and gives a clear view of everything right and what to avoid. This, coupled with how the proof within scripture makes the most sense and is easier to understand than a high school biology course.

Also, do you think if God didn’t exist that great people like Jerry Falwell Jr would be living such a successful and rewarding life as a preacher and private Christian university owner?
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Default Re: Greetings from the Thomas Road Baptist Church! - 10-13-2019, 11:16 AM

I see. Is that the experience you had from conception?
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Default Re: Greetings from the Thomas Road Baptist Church! - 10-13-2019, 06:47 PM

I wouldn’t say I had the ability to realize it from conception but I believe that Jesus watched over me at birth and gave me a purpose. Follow the KJV Bible and work on keeping American evangelicals wealthy and successful.
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